A simple nom for workplace Christmas parties, as it’s that time of year again. (Almost)
A load of old cunt these are.
I hate enforced corporate bonhomie with every fibre of my being. Come to think of it, being a miserable northern cunt I generally hate any form of geniality. They are usually populated with people sucking up to the boss or cunts who think it’s amusing photocopying their tits/arses.
I’ve been to some of these dreadful soirées and attempted to ‘enjoy’ myself. I usually end up pissed and attempting to feel up some lucky filly. I detest them and all they stand for.
Fuck off parties, and fuck off Christmas.
Nominated by: Bertram Cuntatious DCO
Good cunting. Thank Dog, those days are long past for me.
17
I remember one Christmas a boss I hated brought his guitar in to entertain us,
Like David Brent, the absolute cunt.
Management Unplugged.
Nowadays I just have a mince pie in the van.
24
Brent is based on many, many cringey bosses that Gervais and Merchant encountered in the 80s and 90s.
“Free Love on the Free Love Freeway” is a hilarious song!
9
Peacefuls don’t do Christmas do they? It’s all a bit raaaay-sist innit fam?
With Her Maj’s rapidly declining health I was thinking the other day about “The King’s Christmas Message.” Fuck me! ……who is going to listen to the ramblings of that jug eared fucking wokie spazmo on Xmas afternoon?
As for office parties, surely they will all be cancelled?……covid crisis, climate crisis, some other fucking crisis, feminism crisis, sexual assault epidemic, w*gs might be offended or some such bollocks? Best not to bother with it I reckon. We don’t want cunts enjoying themselves.
27
I have been invited to a few in the past and always said no, my reasoning being that I already spend over 40 hours a week with you lot as it is and I don’t really want to socialize outside of work.
Who would want to go to a Christmas party anyway? They probably have non-alcoholic booze, vegan nibbles and every cunt walking about on eggshells terrified of misgendering the office weirdo. That’s if they the call it Christmas at all in case of being non-inclusive.
33
My sentiments exactly, LL.
When I first started working in the late ’80s, things were different. As I’ve got older I’ve become more selective about who I spend my time with. The more life and work experience you gain, the more you realise most people at your place of work are not your kind of people. Walking on the same bit of carpet and drinking the same coffee is not the basis upon which to spend a social evening.
The only thing you really only likely have in common is you work at the same company. The talk therefore often revolves around work. How bloody boring is that in a social setting which ought to be fun, relaxed and entertaining? I’ve never been one for small talk either. I don’t care where you live or how many kids you have, where they go to school, what your wife/husband does, what hobbies you enjoy, where you went on your last holiday, blah blah blah. I don’t care and have no interest in hearing about it. Equally, asking me about these types of things is prying and feels like a court room cross examination. Leave it out.
Best they fuck off home and mind their own business and I’ll do the same. Happy Christmas!
10
I have arranged a simple meal for my 4 new colleagues and partners at a nice local restaurant.
My existing work; the owner is too tight to arrange anything, not even a compensatory hamper for employees. Can’t wait to leave the place. A fortnight today and counting!
18
That’s the best idea. Cherry-pick your colleagues, scoff something, drink some booze, then go home. No listening to shop talk, no whingeing spinster lashing out, no over-emotional idiots, no angry fatties, no scowling Dooshka saying how much better Christmas is in Poland, and no smelly weirdos from I.T.
18
Excuse me Captain Mag! Agree with all your points except the last one. I was an IT field engineer for almost fifty years. I may be a weirdo but I just checked with the wife and she confirms I don’t smell too bad.
11
You’re a credit to yourself, Arfur. I only wish there were more like you.
6
We (the station) sometimes try to have an evening out, but, some crews will be working so we’re never all off at the same time. Shame, as what seems to be a miracle, we all get on.
12
Sorry to drift the thread, but the leftie Direly Wail has announced on its front page that the Liverpool bomber was a Christian convert.
Yeah, yeah, my round hairy arse.
(We have a nomination covering the bombing story due to go live very soon – Day Admin)
14
The Times, Torygraph and Express are running the same ‘exclusive’. Seems it may be more to do with his asylum application than religious beliefs.
15
Yeah and some gullible cunts will believe it.
5
Same cunt of a god, same bunch of cunt disciples.
10
Haven’t been to a company Xmas party in about 6 years.
30 years ago they were pretty cool because there was no internet, no social media and very little political correctness. So basically you get drunk, ogle the office secretary, get lucky with giving her a good fingering, scoff all the mince pies, and then suffer the consequences in the morning, but no one would really care about what happened the night before!
Today, you don’t dare say anything, do anything, sing anything, eat anything, touch anything for fear of being cancelled via social media or hauled in front of the HR muppets the following day.
22
You can’t even think about getting in any food either – there’s always someone that’s dicing with death if they so much as see a peanut or someone else that is offended by alcohol or meat. It is fucking emotionally exhausting. Our office manager has already told us to think carefully about socialising over Christmas ( meaning don’t dare fucking do it) as she would hate for us to be responsible for a local spike in Covid cases ( meaning if anyone ends up off sick or self isolating there will be fucking trouble). A customer gave us a very large and expensive box of chocolates at Christmas last year, I was told I couldn’t hand them around so I had to count them, divide them by the number of people in the group then put latex gloves on and put these chocolates into individual plastic bags which I then had to tie up, then these bags were put on a shelf for 72 hours before anyone could touch them. It was one of the most depressing experiences I’ve ever had.
You have the best job ever! – NA
6
One of the very few benefits of retirement is not having to attend work parties. It reminds me of one of J.B. Priestley’s “Essays on Delight” called ‘Not Going’ Fuck Xmas. The spouse will be watching Xmas Emmerdale, Xmas Coronation Street and Xmas Eastenders. I will brood about the might have been, like I do every December
9
Some cunts have Christmas trees 🌲 up already!!
I like going getting the tree.
Always have a real one.
The thrill of digging it out at 3am,
Hoping the farmer hasn’t heard the van!
But its not stealing,
I always fly tip it back where I got it in January.
26
3am… Fiddler’s usually passed out on the Bushmill’s by then. 😀
13
Good grief no.
9
I’m self-employed now so my plan for Christmas is to get drunk and potentially feel myself up, depending on my mood
19
Admin: are you sure the header photo is “diverse & Includive” enough?
There is a White man in that conga-line!
Although on second inspection, it appears he has a large, red ❌ painted in his abdomen-obviously for the ensuing game of “Sick da knife in de Honky”.
After which, the two white girls will be gang banged and subsequently impregnated, resulting in some more, fine, upstanding, potential architects.
The men responsible will, of course, demonstrate their legendary parenting skills, in the usual manner.
🤔
(We tried our best to be as inclusive and diverse as possible with the header pic. We opted for the token white man, so typically seen in most TV ads these days. There could be a transgender in there somewhere; but regrettably we couldn’t find any underage schoolgirls from Rotherham – Day Admin)
26
That comment as started the day on a high note.
12
Christmas? CHRISTMAS?? Don’t fuckin’ start me off! In my yoof I went to a few of these festive fuckwittery do’s! What a pile of rancid dogs eggs they were, too. All the little cliques on their tables, talking about work and slagging everyone else off. As a junior I was always banished to a table so far at the back, I had to get a fuckin’ bus to the bar. At least I couldn’t hear the sound of tongues polishing the assholes of senior management.
16
I wonder if companies will allow the customary Christmas fairy to sit atop the tree this year? Or is the use of a fairy somehow offensive to some cunt, unless its non-binary?
I suppose the Three Wise Men, are now Three Wise non-gender-declared Persons; one carrying an iPad with built-in Google Maps, the second person is carrying a FitBit (renamed “GretaBit”) that also measures Co2 levels, and the other cunt has a £50 vegan gift voucher
And Jesus probably wasn’t born in a stable as it probably didn’t meet health & safety requirements; Mary was probably “Sparkletits” black, and Joseph a rampant bisexual with transformer yearnings.
The pulling of Christmas crackers will also be banned as people will think its either a terrorist attack by some far-right nutter; or the noise is far too sensitive for our “safe place” snowflakes.
Bollocks to all of it – time for a Full English (which will soon be banned etc.)
19
Any office / works social do, not just Christmas parties, is a ghastly experience. Avoided them like the plague whenever I could and never touched the booze at one when attendance was compuslsory, e.g. a retirement party. They only ever served one purpose in my experience and that was to out the ones never to trust. Tongues loosened by a few too many drinks soon revealed the gossips and backstabbers.
10
You must be as old as me Dickie to remember “retirement parties”. Place I worked continuously from 1996, last year I had a phone call from my boss telling me not to go in any more. Truth is I wasn’t much bothered ‘cos I was 69 years old and planning to jack it in shortly anyway. The leasing company collected the car and the only contact I’ve ever had since with my former employer was when they sent round a junior manager to collect the kit I carried in the car.
A friend of mine left school in the mid sixties and went to work for a big multinational and stayed with them for fifty years. In his later years there he was on the road like me, but in a different business and working regular hours. On his last day before retirement he ended up a bit later than planned at his last call. When he returned to the office everyone had left. On his bosses’ desk was a note which said; “Goodbye Dave. Good luck. Just leave your keys on the desk”. He left the car in the car park and went home on the train.
15
Arthur: As much as i like to see young people working hard and trying to get on in life, I would always offer this pearl of wisdom:
“Employment-purely an agreement to carry out a prescribed task, in a prescribed time frame, for procurement of reimbursement”
Many young people would do well, to read your post👍
12
Xmas parties, a distant memory for me. When I was younger and out on the hunt I remember a particular year when I received an amazing five knuckle shuffle by the office motorbike in the stationary cupboard.
Oh, those were the days!
8
Christmas parties … what a tragic waste of … well everything.
Said it on here before … I find everything about Christmas fuckin’ abhorrent. If it were focussed on a max of two days and wasn’t driven by commercialism it might be slightly more acceptable but the UK gen pop just use it as a fuckin’ excuse to do dumb shit. If any event showed humanity as the worthless festering heap of shit that it really is it’s Christmas … the perfect blend of fantasy and fuckwittery.
Just so as not to offend the Crizztions of on here the same goes for any religious sects and their wretched festivals. Cunts the lotta yooz.
8
My current company insist on fancy dress to the Christmas do.
The final nail in the coffin.
Even more cost. Bah humbug.
3
It’ll only cost you if you go
1
I hated parties, e en as a kid.
When I was about 14, a boy I’d known from a previous school started at my then school. He showed me a photo of a miserable looking cunt-child sitting on the arm of a 3 piece suite, while all others were rug ratting around on the floor.
Yes, it was me!
Christmas is for nearest and dearest, sod any mis buggers that try gatecrashing. I’ve always managed to avoid office parties, Thank Dog.
6
The Christmas party used to be brilliant, back in the days when most people were semi-drunk on Friday after lunch and came in fucked on Monday mornings. These days, alcohol and work are verboten, so the idea of getting pished with sulky Linda from accounts and “Mad Mike” the new guy who has piercings can get to fuck. That will NOT be fun in 2021. In 1984, it was fun, even in 1994, but these days you should avoid socialising with people who aren’t 100% trusted, known for years, “get you” as cunts are work will get you sacked for fuck all these days and when you’re on your 11th vodka and tonic in Paul Simon’s “deep and dark December” and painfully shit music is cumming in your ears in a packed pub, ANYTHING can happen.
Bloke: “Eeeehhhrrr, here comes Large Linda and Mincing Mike! Hey, French and Saunders, get the drinks in you tight cunts!”
Bloke then blacks out for 20 minutes, comes to in the toilets of a different bar with 17 texts messages and 8 missed calls on his phone. One shoe is missing. Merry Christmas!
13
Russ Abbot’s masterful, “Atmosphere” put everyone in a good mood in the 80s…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QEkUINpAsg
3
I avoid like the plague, can’t deal with some of the snowflake tossers I previously worked with and always ends up with a brawl and someone getting fired or some pretty girl getting hit upon by the creepy boss.
4
It’s even worse here in the States I reckon. It’s so woke and PC it’s not even called Christmas. You can go all December without hearing the actual word Christmas. The Christmas party is called ‘year end celebration’ or some such crap.
Instead of the nativity, kids learn about ‘Kwanzaa’ some bollocks made up by a rayycist marxist in the 60’s with the expressed intent of replacing a Christian festival.
8
Yeah, it’s sad. December has been month of festivals going back into the mistiest mists of time. December 25 was chosen as the birth of Jesus as that was already a festival for most of Romans. I think we should just have a month-long festival in December and include all the dieties, gurus, ceremonies, etc.
3
Christmas partying and colds go together and have the same antidote; Self-employment. The 1st Christmas party i went to was in 1999, and it was shit. i’ve been to a couple of meals but left early from one at the local because i was fucking knackered after working outdoors and it was mid December, increasingly drunk, starving hungry and the office cunts didn’t turn up until gone 8.30, so i left and ordered a fucking huge kebab on the way home.
I would quite happily work until the evening of Christmas eve if it weren’t for family and clients.
3
I’m not what you’d call a social kind of person, I avoid people if at all possible. I wouldn’t go to a christmas party if everyone had to take a Covid test on entry, the booze was free and beautiful girls were begging to suck my dick. Well ok I might, but they’d have to provide Guinness and brown splits, none of that gassy lager shit.
3
Oh the works do/office party how I do not miss those escapades of drunken bonhomie.
Call your line manager a slap head cunt and fall over a table, vomit copious amounts of booze and mince pies out the window overlooking managers car park. The awful realisation that not only have you spent the night in the caretakers cupboard but you missed the mop bucket when you had a piss, but fuck, the hangovers so bad you really could not give a fuck and your fucking cars been clamped as well. Very happy that all that’s in the dimming past.
2
You want to try organising one!
It was part of my job years ago. I’m retired now, thank all the Deities.
First the date, endless argument.
Next the venue, endless argument.
Finally decide a date and venue, usually Indian because they cater for vegetarian /vegans.
Work day ends at 6, try to get everyone there and seated for 7. Early shift have been in the pub since 4.
Get everyone seated and food ordered by 7:45. Waiters panicking because they’ve another booking at 9.
Someone forgets what they ordered and eats someone else’s food, minor fight breaks out.
Does any cunt say thanks for sorting it, mate? Do they fuck!
4
Fucking love a good xmas party me!! Do you lot of cunts ever fucking enjoy yourselves? Or is this it?
This is it – NA.
6
haha thought so!!
1