Sequels Which Stink

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My daughter recently gave me a bag of old dvds for her mother and I to watch then pass on to a charity shop once we’re done.
(Do charity shops accept Swedish schoolgirl lesbian porn DVDs? I’m asking for a friend – NA)

Last night we watched ‘Basic Instinct 2’, which left me asking of those responsible for this cringeworthy effort of a film, ‘are you joking, or what?’. There’s laughably bad plotting and dialogue. There are sex scenes more risible than raunchy, and acting performances so wooden as to resemble the efforts of a set of cricket stumps. All combine to make this a stand-out effort when it comes to the production of stink the place out sequels.

We know why they do it, of course. A studio lands itself a smash hit, and straight away the suits and bean-counters are looking to cash in with a sequel or sequels. This invariably results in an inferior re-tread of the original, which may end up exploiting the initial concept to the point where the audience’s credibility is stretched to the limit. Think ‘Jaws 3-D’, or ‘Die Hard; Die Harder Another Day With a Vengence’ or whatever the hell it was called.

The missus chipped in with a couple of her ‘favourites’ which have my complete endorsement, these being the shameful cash-in ‘Speed 2; Cruise Control’ and the shite ‘Independence Day’ follow-up.

I’ve come to the conclusion that any sequel to a much-loved film should be avoided like a dose of the clap. I prefer to remember the originals of ‘Die Hard’ and ‘The Matrix’ in all their glory, mentally consigning the follow-ups to the bargain bin in Tesco.

I’ll leave all connoisseurs of film sequel cuntitude with a reminder of my own ‘favourite’, the utter nadir that is ‘Grease 2’. Enjoy!

Don’t click this – you’ll thank me later.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

111 thoughts on “Sequels Which Stink”

  1. “Leave them wanting more” is an old adage and one that film directors would do well to follow.

    Meanwhile W. C. Boggs Porno (Taiwan) Ltd have no plans to follow up on their Charles Dickens porno “A Tale of Sue’s Titties” starring Lisa Nandy, which, I confess, I only made to get lovely Liza on the casting couch.

    • Son of Jaws
      Return of the good,bad,and the ugly
      Sequels are terrible.
      The most outrageous one was Steve Martin playing Inspector Closeau a role that only Peter Sellers can play.

      Painfully unfunny, Martin must of known he was committing sacrilege and whats tantamount to a hate crime?
      It couldn’t of been more disrespectful,
      He may as well of dug up Sellers and pissed on his corpse.

    • That was recently recut into a different, slightly shorter version re-titled, Coda: The Death of Micheal Corleone. It’s said to be better, I haven’t seen it yet.

  3. I think the most tedious sequels must be Police Academy – up to sequel number 7. Steve Guttenberg had long since departed the ‘franchise’.

    The 80s series made the Benny Hill Show look more like Weekend World.

    The Police Academy sequels must be one of the stinkiest piles of cinematic shite ever produced.

  4. Watch the latest sequel to the predator franchise The Predator. A predator dog is in it that once banged on head becomes human friendly. Yoiks! For a laugh though watch The Critical Drinker review of it first. Then see how bad it really is.

    • Shane Black should have been taken out and shot.
      The Drinker was spot on with his review…

    • Totally agree Onceacunt, Danny Glover’s worst film. The original with Arnie was brilliant. All of the others have been utter poo poo.

      • I didn’t mind the predator remake definitely not as good as the original classic

        The robocop remake on the otherhand was totally lacking in any substance of the 80’s robocop could of just called it futuristic cunt cop and be done with it and of course Samuel L Cuntson was inserted in to it somehow fucking twat

      • The ‘Robocop’ re-boot was a pale shadow, lacking any of the original’s bite or pitch black humour. However if you think that was bad, the short-lived tv series was abysmal; made for the Saturday tea-time ‘A Team’ audience, by the look of it.

  5. I certainly didn’t find Blek Lies Mither 2:Who stole all the trainers any fucking good at all.

    The cunts.

    • Dirty Hairy- what if Harry Callaghan was a gibbon?!!!

      Fighting crime in San Francisco this no nonsense monkey deals out rough justice!
      The long arm of the law !

      In cinema this November
      Starring Idris Elbow

    • Assault on KFC 13 (the Ilford cut) wasn’t a particularly worthy sequel.

      Not even guest appearances by Diane Abbott (as a tube train riding alcoholic social justice warrior) and David Lammy as Jaffa, the violent, North London revolutionist gang leader couldn’t lift this film out of what should have been one of the inferior Dixy Chiggun film franchises.

      Chiggun.

      • I went to Ilford once – took daughter to a kids party there. Decided to kill time by walking dogs up to local park. Fuck me – walking two dogs up the High Rd was like Moses parting the Red Sea. Peacefuls backing way, pointing and kids hiding behind their parents. They were only two collies for fuck’s sake.

      • We know them for rounding up sheep.
        They know them for hurding his-lambs!

        Boom-tish!
        😙

      • Assault on Precinct 13 was remade some time ago and it was utter crap.
        I mean like REALLY crap.
        As in cinemagoers demanding refunds levels of crap….

  6. They’re not all shit but I can only think of one that isn’t. Manon Des Sources, the follow up to Jean de Florette, two French dramas which lay bare all the human emotions. Two brilliant films but hardly suitable for today’s audience with the attention span of an anorexic’s fart.

  7. “Tamara Drew Rides Again” is a vast improvement on the original. Gemma Arterton stars as a filthy tart utterly beguiled by a vast land-owning,debonair Northumbrian Gentleman….it starts with Tamara jiggling along in just a pair of shorts pursued by The Gentleman who happened to be out on his gigantic country-estate doing a spot of fox-hunting that day, when he spotted Tamara trespassing on his extensive land-holdings…it then moves on to an hour and a half of the most debauched sex scenes ever dreamt up by the sickest of minds.
    Gemma is magnificent but it is The Gentleman who steals the show of course…banging away like a nuclear-powered Nodding-Donkey… still retaining his debonair manner and sophisticated appearance while sweating and grunting like Diane Abbott in a wheelie-bin full of fried chiggun.

    The film is a classic…a “magnificent tour-de-force” according to the critics….or at least it will be when it’s made.

    • The as yet unreleased “The King’s Man” has a large helping of Ms Arterton for your delectation,
      if it ever makes it into theatres…

      • That girl is so fucking hot that her doctor forbids her to so much as scratch her hand in case she spontaneously combusts…

  8. Steve Gutenberg didn’t even stick around for Short Circuit 2.
    Speaking of which, do any cunters remember when Johnny 5, the mechanical star of the films, met Princess Di? The unconvincing soulless stick-thin subhuman was very pleased indeed to meet the robot!

  9. Some sequels are arguably better than the original….Terminator 2, Aliens, Three Mules for Sister Sara?

    • Totally agree Spanky with Aliens, but all the other sequels were shit. Prometheous, the prequel was excellent though.

      • Terminator 3/Genysis/Salvation/Dark Fate were all misbegotten shite.
        Talk about flogging a dead horse…

      • ‘Aliens’ was an absolute stonker. Saw it at the flicks and the wife spent half of the film gripping my arm so tightly it just about cut off the circulation.

      • James Cameron may be a massive cunt, but he knew his stuff.
        Until “Avatar” anyway…

      • Apart from the thick South African bint not side stepping the cart wheeling engineers ship.

  10. It’s fucking Prequels i can’t stand.
    Except “Better call Saul “
    What’s the point when you know what’s going to happen

  11. It is even more ridiculous when the original was crap anyway. The classic example of this would be ‘Highlander’. A dud ‘starring’ Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery. Hopeless historico sci-fi drivel about sword fighting sweatie cunts that got by in the ratings based on slick marketing and a popular score.

    Then along came ‘Highlander II, The Quickening’ and then Highlander III; The Sorcerer’ and then ‘Highlander !V: Endgame’, but, of course, it wasn’t, there was the telly series, then ‘Highlander: The Raven’ ffs. Now Connery is dead we will probably be treated to a fucking re-boot. Aaargh.

    Good morning, everyone.

    • Connery was a joke in that.
      What I could never figure out is how does an immortal get to age so much as Big Tam in the film?

  13. How about againquels?
    Anyone see ‘Return of the living dead, part 2’?
    Released 3 years after the original and set…. at exactly the same time as the original! Same premise, same actors, even those who had died in the original (spoiler, all of them)
    They essentially reran the film in a slightly different way. Genius. No where near the subtle humour of the first but the part I remember the most was when a zombie got electrocuted and danced around like Michael Jackson to a Michael Jackson song. Shame that didnt happen to the real MJ in 1988. Would have saved everyone a lot of bother.
    I understand that ‘part III’ is actually quite good but I’m reluctant to invest any time finding out that’s not true.
    Any other againquels?

  14. Well if it comes to the most unutterable cuntish pile of steaming shite, what about the jackal with Bruce Willis?

    OK cunters, it could possible be argued that this wasn’t strictly a remake being “based on” (or is that worse?) Given that, Get Carter with Sylvester Stallone?

      • How anyone thinking that fat charmless fuck Winstone could inherit the role of Jack Regan is beyond me.
        Clueless.

      • Bruce Willis takes the piss for most uninterested unskilled actor ever His last 20 films hes been surgically glued too look so piss poor in content just fucking retire already you bald bastard

  17. When The Madness of king George was made it was to be called George 111.
    This was changed because the Americans would have been wondering if they’d missed George 1 and George 11.
    I’ve no idea if this is true but it wouldn’t surprise me seeing as they have mats on cruise liners stating what fucking day it is.

  18. The remake of Psycho. Same music, same titles, same dialogue, same camera angles. Other than the colour and the actors the only difference is the scene where Norman is peeking through his spy hole. In the remake he is jerking off but not in the original obviously. What’s the fucking point?
    I read somewhere that some cunt was thinking of remaking Zulu. No no no no fucking NO!!

    • I can just see it Fred; all those noble Zulus socking it to the racist imperialist white man.
      A Hollyweird wokefest.

  19. The Dark Knight Rises.
    Arse numbingly overlong, with plot holes you could drive a batmobile through, not enough actual Batman and rather too much Tom Hardy giving speeches into a tin bucket…

    • I honestly don’t get the whole Batman thing. They’re so mind-numbingly dreary and depressing.
      Fucking hell, is odd laugh out of the question?

      • Everything has to be po-faced and serious now.
        Apparently it’s “more intelligent” according to the multi millionaires who produce films and prefer the public to feel hopeless and demoralised.
        The latest Bond film probably won’t make it’s budget back, but as long as it gets the “message” across…

      • Couldn’t agree more, Ron.
        Batman onscreen to me is Adam West (RIP). With greats like Burgess Meredith and Frank Gorshin as the baddies. And Jullie Newmar is the definitive Catwoman. Batman was fun when I was a lad.

        The Batman TV series also influenced the 1980 Flash Gordon film, which I also loved. Apparently a sequel was planned, but Sam .J. Jones was allegedly difficult to work with. Dino Di Laurentis and Sam had a big falling out, so Flash II was never made.

        And Ornella Muti as Princess Aura? Oh, dear me, yes.😍

      • “I honestly don’t get the whole Batman thing….
        Fucking hell, is odd laugh out of the question?”

        Bought the LEGO version for the kids, … well I laughed…

      • @ Norman;

        Couldn’t agree more. The Adam West ‘Batman’ was brilliant; sly, deadpan humour at its finest. I bet the cast had a ball camping it up.
        ‘Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb…’

        ‘And Robin…’
        ‘Yes, Batman?’
        ‘Try not to look too conspicuous’

  20. Every MCU film after the reasonably well thought out “Winter Soldier” instalment.
    Just give it a fucking rest…

    • According to yesterday’s paper there’s a whole new fucking batch of Marvel ‘movies’ and telly series in the works. Surely it’s only a matter of time before Joe Public decides that enough’s enough, esp. if they continue on their ‘woke’ crusade.

      Does anybody remember the ‘Sex and the City’ ventures onto the big screen? I didn’t see ‘2’ but have it on good authority that it hummed like an Outback privvy. Well apparently, ‘SitC 3’ is in the pipeline. The Chinese water torture sounds like a more favourable alternative.

      • The last couple of Marvel films haven’t done all that well. Killing off Robert Downey Jr’s Tony Stark character was a huge mistake.
        Declaring that they were going all female didn’t help either.
        Serve em right. Cunts…

      • Agreed and Sergio’s Once upon a time in America his last film was brilliant De niro was really good in it

        Tarantino is a fucking cunt for stealing that title for his lastest stinker Once upon a time in Hollywood I don’t recommend that one at all just as bad as Django maybe even worse

      • It is Tarantino’s weakest film. Good moments, but way too long. The Sharon Tate scenes are pointless. I’d watch a 6-hour version of Inglourious Basterds, but In Hollywood should have been a 120-minute movie. Ir felt knocked together, but Tarantino is working on a Rick Dalton biography and there might be a Cliff Booth spinoff movie. I wish that he had made his horror movie he has talked about instead and he may still make that if he can be fucked making his tenth and last movie as he has said. I think he should work on something for a few years and put out a true masterpiece. He and Roger Avary (who co-wrote Pulp Fiction with him) are doing a podcast soon on movies circa. 1970-1990s. That will be fun.

      • Sergio Leone was literally about to sign the contract to make a film, Leningrad: The 900 Days with De Niro as a photo-journalist during the siege of the Russian city when he died of a heart-attack in 1989. The budget was $100 million. It would have been an AMAZING epic, Leone was a true genius, poetic, quirky, immense knowledge of everything, so sad that he died at 60, he could have made another three masterful movies.

      • I would much prefer Tarantino to do a zombie film too. Death proof/ planet terror was good bloody fun flims Thats what I respect about Tarantino he is himself a avid film buff but I hope he does something decent I didn’t know about Leone’s last project with De Niro thats really sad to hear

        I still have a double vhs copy of once upon a time in America lol which I think is the euro cut I still have yet to see A fistful of dynamite hoping netflix would add it the cunts so I don’t have to fork out dosh for it or find a used copy at salvation army

  22. COP26 the arse kicking sequel to COP25.

    Literally arse kicking because the proles in the UK are going to get their backsides taxed off to achieve sweet fuck all change to the climate while China, India, Pakistan, Indonesia et al continue to ramp up their pollution outputs with impunity. Only the Tories already rich mates are going to benefit from this with lucrative contracts worth £billions of taxpayer’s money. COP26 the ultimate class divide camouflage and the worst sequel it’s possible to imagine!

  26. I know it’s part of the original Star Wars series, but Return Of The Jedi is shit. That happy clappy ending, Vader gets let off at the end, and those fucking Ewoks?! Like a bunch of teddy bears with spears could beat the Empire’s elite troops. It should have ended like a Western. With a massive shoot out, everyone copping it, and a disillusioned Luke walking away into the sunset.

    Rocky II and III were OK. But IV was complete crap.

    Back To The Future is the best trilogy. Mary Steenburgen as that school ma’am. I’d have loved a bit of that…

    Oh, and Mutiny On The Buses and Holiday On The Buses. I fucking ‘ate you, Butler!

    • Loved On the Buses.
      You’ll be the death of me Butler, go on get those bleedin buses out .

  27. The original idea for Jedi was for it to be a planet of Wookies, but that didn’t work out. And Lucas wanted Paul Verhoeven (Robocop, Total Recall) to directed it, bur then he actually saw Verhoeven’s shocking Dutch films like Spetters and shit his pants!

    Rocky 4 is okay, Sly shouldn’t have made Drago dumb. Dolph is a highly intelligent guy (masters degree in chemical engineering, very humble) and it would have been better if Drago had also been a loudmouth wit like Creed, Thunderlips, Clubber and not a monosyllabic moron, that always kills a movie. Sky has recut Rocky 4, I think it’s out in a couple of weeks. The robot has been cut out and the cheesy music montage in the car is gone or redone. But you can’t fix those clunky scenes with the Russians. And I hope that “let’s be friends” ending is improved upon. Rocky 5 is awful, Sly went further in creating an awful adversary in that one. That Tommy dude died 10 years ago, btw. Sad.

    Back to the Future trilogy is great. I used to think that part was goofy and weak, but I know think that it works well. I’m glad they never made any more and Zemeckis and Gale have said there will NEVER be another move, it ended beautifully.

      • Total Recall was fucking ace Verhoeven is brilliant. The remake with Colin Farrel was just a blurry CGI disappointment, a huge steaming pile of poop

        Jessica Alba ass or tits couldn’t save that one That film probably killed both their carreers lol

      • Shocking that they rebooted Robocop and Total Recall as kids films, just… WTF? I can’t bring myself to watch them. I actually can’t stand Colin Farrell. Why did Oliver Stone cast a confused-looking Irishman as Alexander the Great?! LOL! Stone has recut that movie THREE times and still can’t see that it sucks because Farrell sucks. Imagine if Javier Bardem had played Alexander and John Milius directed it? Stone is great but he needs to make crazy political films. He came close to making a Martin Luther King movie and Hollywood is still shit-scared about making that one, despite BLM hysteria. Yet a Malcolm X movie was made!

        “In Hollywood, no one knows ANYTHING!”
        – William Goldman, legendary screenwriter

      • Even tho back to th future 3 is weaker and absurd in parts Christopher Lloyd and Mary Steenburger are loveable side actors and was pretty decent but yeah the first 2 are still the best

        Oliver Stone has really outcunted himself Gordon I’m so sick of his political films watched half of jfk turned it off from boredom no desire to watch either Nixon or W.. Yeah Alexander was very silly saw it at the cheapies with my dad years ago. I remember the gay kissing scenes with Jared Leto lol

        I’m so glad he didn’t direct Conan the Barbarian who knows how he would of fucked that one up or even scarface for that matter. The upcoming remake of scarface sounds utterly fucking horrible just why?

  29. Richard Donner’s Superman and Donner’s cut of Superman II were ace.

    Donner leaving the project and Richard Lester’s butchery of ‘II’, however, was a huge balls up. That Benny Hill type slapstick he put into it was shit. Sarah Douglas was sexy as fuck as Ursa though.

    Superman III had just two things going for it. The Superman/Clark Kent scrapyard brawl, and Pamela Stephenson’s knockers.

  30. Planet of the Apes was brilliant. The Charlton Heston original, of course. Not that CGI remake shite.

    I also liked 1970’s ‘Beneath’ too. The soundtrack is as creepy as fuck. And Chuck’s last line ‘You bloody bastard!’ is one of the best endings ever.

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