Last Friday afternoon I made a big mistake. Collecting the grandkids, and feeling in a bit of an expansive grandad mood, I said that we could go for lunch, anywhere they wanted.
‘Yaaaahy!’, they chorused, jumping up and down. ‘McDonald’s!’. I was cornered. Never say something to your grandkids and then back out. So off we went to experience the delights of the McDonald’s ‘dining experience’.
Things got off to a great start, with a twenty-five minute wait to get in. There was no one there to take our order. You have to line up again and make your choice from items displayed on a big electronic board, and put in your table number for them to deliver.
Your ‘meal’ duly arrives, looking something like how I imagine prison rations might appear. No knives or forks; you eat with your fingers. Tomato ketchup in little plastic containers, drinks in paper cups or drunk straight from the bottle.
The kids had burgers and ‘fries’. The order board had shown a picture of a chunky burger in a fat bun, with a thick slice of fresh tomato and crispy lettuce. What arrived were flabby, messy concoctions smothered in some sort of goo, with a nasty looking ‘cheese’ slice that bore a distinct resemblance to piece of half-melted plastic. The disparity between the image and the reality was indeed startling. All in boxes with the logo ‘McDonald’s’ emblazoned on the side, lest we forget.
All the time you’re surrounded by fat cunts and their whinging offspring, and unruly bunches of schoolkids acting up. Miserable spotty-faced teenagers in their McD’s prison-like garb slouch about despondently, shifting piles of discarded rubbish from tables and swabbing them down, and sweeping crap up from the floor. ‘Happy to help’ and ‘loving it’ are their mottos, I hear.
Later on I tried to find a McD’s site that I could go on to post my observations. What I did find was a copy of the McD’s ‘mission statement’. Get this, cunters;
‘Our mission is to make delicious, feel-good moments easy. This is how we uniquely feed and foster communities. We serve delicious food that people feel good about eating. We work hard to offer the speed, choice and personalisation our customers expect. We don’t just serve food, we serve moments of feel-good, all with the light-hearted, unpretentious, welcoming, dependable personality our consumers know and love’.
Fucking hell, I’ve heard some shithousing in my time but this takes the biscuit, and there’s plenty more of this ludicrous bombast if anyone can be arsed to look.
The reality is that McD’s is about junk food produced and served in a production line environment, all conforming to the lowest common denominator of ‘service’. It’s all about the sacrifice of care, quality and individuality to drab uniformity, speed, and the maximisation of profit.
Let’s take the knee and bow down to one of the gods of American corporatism. Amen to that.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
Sorry for your dining experience Ron.I only drink their black coffee. The look on the twats faces anything else? No it’s shite sets me up for the day.
8
It could have been a lot worse Ron. In the Brixton McDonalds there’s a corner which is occupied all day by the local drug dealers. They come and go, occasionally buying something, with deals being done all day.
If you want to use the bog you have to ask for the key because they don’t want cunts snorting up or shooting up and dying on their premises. Everybody knows about it including the old bill but they do fuck all because it would be raaaay-sist.
You won’t hear this from Priti Useless or Commissioner Strapon because, as Suckdick says….it’s all part of living in a big city.
Oh…..and you won’t find it on McDonalds bullshit mission statement either.
24
Sounds like a fun place Freddie. Also sounds like a typical plod attitude these days.
9
When I was working in Anglesey in around 2003, I found a McDonalds in Holyhead for a bite. It was staffed by older women and, no word of a lie, the burger that was served looked like one of those pictures on their ads. It was very tasty too – like one of those upmarket affairs.
Fast forward to 2021 and the franchise is more than likely to be staffed by dooshka dooshka types and the food is likely to be inedible. I’ve never been back there.
The McDonalds local to me is useless. Staffed with clueless dooshkas and ragheads. The food is always cold, half the order is usually missing and the queues through the drive through are always so long (any time of day) that the cars spill out of the premises and block the main road. I avoid it. There is a small cafe around the corner that has been open for 6 weeks and does a smashing cooked breakfast and tea. This is my go to now for breakfast.
14
Couldn’t agree more about the local café.
Iremember the days when you could go somewhere and get a cracking bacon or sausage roll and a good cuppa.
These days nobody seems to do that; it’s all avocado and cream cheese on chiabatta, with an iced fucking mocca.
But I want a fucking bacon roll…
11
Back in Attercliffe when steel was still produced in Sheffield you could get an absolutely amazing bacon and egg butty, with the option of having the bun dipped in a pan of tomato goo that had been reduced to the point that it tasted incredible.
Do you want the yolk broken or do you want yolk running down your chin?
Fucking AWESOME stuff.
I think I’ve managed to re-create the tomato goo.
1
Your experience sounds a bit like Michael Douglas’s character in a Whammy Burger restaurant from ‘Falling Down’, Ron, although you managed to refrain from shooting up the place. I love a burger and normally buy patties from a butchers, as for the big chains, I would rather eat the box they came in.
11
Great film if you snip off the last ten minutes when they discover he has all these crowbar’d-in mental ailments, otherwise it would’ve been brilliant.
“I want a burger that looks like one in the photo.”
Why couldn’t they have just left him as a modern, pissed off customer.
“I’d like some change, please.”
– No give change, you buy somesing. You wanna co-ra?
12
Totally agree, fucking brilliant film. As you say, don’t bother with the last 10 minutes. That’s put in there to reassure the female members of the audience. Especially the feminazis.
11
Thought Douglas and Robert Duvall were terrific in the film.
6
“FOUR”!
Click, clack
“FIVE”!!
4
The funniest bit was on the gold course where Michael Douglas’ character was berating the old codger who was having a heart attack on the green.
“Now your gonna die wearing that stupid little hat!”
Priceless.
8
“Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with this picture, anyone at all”
A fantastic film that is even more relatable the older I get!
7
These days I am starting to feel like Douglas when he says ‘I am the bad guy here? How did I become the bad guy ‘
6
I’ll go against the grain, here, and admit I don’t mind a McDonalds. We get 50% off in our local one and free coffees. Can’t say fairer than that.
11
If you’re suffering from constipation, go and have a Big Mac.
Overnight relief.
Happy to help.
Get To Fuck.
8
I’m not a violent person but that little cunt in the photo needs a good slap.
10
He looks like one of the splitheaded Canadians off South Park.
11
Now you mention it I’m amazed I didn’t see the resemblance. Canadian Cartman.
2
Who? Pugsley?
Leave him alone hes gonna have a short life.
7
I think he’s wearing an earring unless i’m mistaken. Who does he think he is?…….Elton fucking John?
5
Peter Kay on the right must have a new Christmas single out.
8
Superbly written nom, Ron (that rhymes!).
You evoke the dystopian horror that is McDonald’s perfectly. When I was a child in the 70’s and McDonalds first appeared on these shores the place was incredibly exciting. McDonalds in Golders Green, North London, (one of the first ones) was the place my parents took me to on my birthday and I loved it – particularly after a tedious trip to Brent Cross shopping centre.
Now McDonalds is bland, plastic, corporate horribleness personified. Like the kitchens of the Gulag Archipelago. Simply dreadful.
8
The race to the bottom continues apace.
5
Thanks MMCM.
To be honest if people want to eat their shit it’s their choice, but what got my goat was McD’s ludicrous, self-satisfied ‘mission statement’; so far removed from the reality that it’s laughable.
Ironically yo can bet that the suits back at corporate hq somewhere in Yankland actually believe their own nonsense.
6
They take it too seriously, Ron. There is a McDonald’s University where you can take a degree in “hamburgerology”.
Has anyone seen that excellent film “The Founder”, about the businessman, Ray Kroc, that bought into the small existing McDonalds restaurant, took it over and converted it into the bland behemoth it is today. He was a bit of a cunt. He treated the McDonald brothers very badly. ‘They wuz robbed”. Great film, though.
5
I like the vegan salad.
Ban the fucking place.
7
An excellent well crafted nom.
4
Most of us could happily retire on what someone got paid to write that ‘mission statement’…
6
I know. You couldn’t make it up.
Er, hang on…
6
This muck and the rest of the easy to buy junk food kind of chooses its own customer…I refuse to spend any of my money on this filth.
I understand why it appeals to people I simply refuse to line the pockets of these people by purchasing expensive food that tastes like dog shit.
People say “ahhh, but it’s cheap”…well, you pay for what you get and if you want to eat slop then go there.
9
I’d rather go to Burger King. A Whopper looks like its picture and lives up to its name.
7
Agreed. Coming back from sparky level 3 evening classes, Burger King hit the spot nicely, and believe me, I can be a picky eater! I think the main diff is that BK grill, which helps.
Oddly, I was looking at possible places to live in the Highlands (of Scotland) last night, and one flat appeared to have a “Wimpy” underneath. Has anyone else stumbled across a Wimpy recently? Maybe that flat has just been on the market for 50 years…
2
Drove past a pub in the neighbouring village the other day. They had a sign outside ….
” Beer shortage ! Panic buy here, now ! ”
Ho ho ho !
11
Went past a riding school nearby, sign said
“Horse shortage!! Panic ride here!!”
Morning Jack👍
4
Morning, MNC 👍
3
Good one. There’s a sandwich/deli shop in Streatham High Rd had a sign outside that said “The worst sandwich in Streatham. Disgusting. £6.50”.
So you’re thinking ……fuck me, what kind of sandwich costs that much and why are they slagging it off? I was intrigued and was just about to go in there when the bus turned up. I’m sure I would have ended up buying it but then i’m a cunt.
Good idea though.
7
You often hear tv chefs pontificating about food being made with “love” or “passion”. I’m not sure about that, but it certainly improves the experience if those cooking or serving your food show a modicum of interest. Maccy Ds food is mostly cooked and served by those who couldn’t give a fuck, dooshkas, peacefuls and architects mostly. There are some about, mostly staffed by more senior citizens, that produce something half decent if you like that sort of thing. Where I live, I reckon we have one of the country’s worst.
7
Maccy Ds.
Feeding the nation ,
They do one thing thats good,
A sausage and egg mcmuffin.
Had it a few times👍
I dont sit inside obviously.
Eat it in the van.
Im not a fuckin dosser!!
7
Dog shit is dog shit no matter what pavement it sits on.
13
When I was a kid I used to spend my Saturdays going to Kensington Market and browsing the stalls for records, flairs, huge collared shirts and platform shoes.
On the top floor there was a hippy, trippy cafe. All purple lights, joss sticks and Jimmy Hendrix being played on vinyl.
Besides the LSD and top notch cannabis they used to serve the best burgers you could buy.
One week we decided to try the new McDonald’s which had opened almost opposite the market.
The food was disgusting.
We never went back.
Happy days.
10
I don’t mind McDonald’s occasionally because you at least know what you’re getting. But they’re certainly major cunts.
7
Don’t mind the coffee, they can stuff the ” food” up their arses.
6
The famous McLibel trial that happened here twenty years ago forced out a lot of uncomfortable truths. Any meat from the burgers comes from the worst bits of the dead cow: tail, horns, and genitals. Potatonpiwdervthivkens the milkshakes, sugar is put in the salad, and fuck knows what those gay chips are. You’d have to be out of your box to eat this shit.
10
Sloppydoppy custard
Greensnot pie
All mixed together
With a dead dogs eye
Slap it on a buttie
Nice and thick
Swallow it down
With a cup
Of cold sick
Or eat that McDonald’s shite.
6
We used to chant that at junior school.
Memories.
4
Yep, but if it referred to school food it was unjustified. In ours anyway.
2
I wonder what the McDonald’s punters would think if they were served a proper burger.
Something home made with real ground beef in a lightly toasted bun with proper relish. Served with well cooked chips that come from an actual potato.
I suppose that they would prefer their sickly, tasteless burger in a bun made to the Bimbo bread recipe that never moulds and can last for months.
The horrible sauce that disguises the awful taste of the burger.
And the ‘chips’ that are pure starch.
100% pure beef?
Well that’s if you class a cow’s tail, toe nails and arse flaps as being beef.
9
Schwartz in Bath is well worth visiting if you’re ever round my part of the South West. Love going there with friends every so often.
0
I like the gherkins they put on the burgers too.
Think its classy!
But then ive a very refined palate.
6
Have to agree about the pickles. I very very occasionally have a Mc D’s plain hamburger* when out on the bike, and that’s why.
*Their cheapest, smallest option, minimal cholesterol. Not heavily advertised.
2
One of the issues here is that people used to see this dirt as a “treat” but now will think nothing of having it multiple times per week.
I worked in an office for many years and was often the subject of ridicule for not joining in the daily ritual of gathering in fast food slop at lunchtime….I actually preferred a cheese sandwich but people couldn’t understand I would prefer that to a rat burger…takes all sorts I suppose.
My daughter who works a well paid job and is very bright thinks nothing of having stuff brought to her door and paying through the nose for it….modern life I guess?
I had sea bass and new spuds last night for less than the cost of a McDonalds “breakfast”….go figure.
9
Been in once. As a treat for my daughter. I think it was the Manchester Arndale just before Gerry Adams redesigned it. Fucking revolting food flavoured pap.
6
You have the leek burger?
😁
3
No, pie in a bun. With extra gravy.
2
Heehee 😀👍
0
Does anyone know what the main business of McDonald’s is?
No doubt you’ll say “hamburger’s”. Only it’s not. It’s land.
Most of the restaurants are run as franchises by franchisee holders. McDonalds owns the land on which the franchised restaurants are situated. The land is leased to the franchisee’s at a huge markup. Over 80% of McDonald’s revenue comes from this. If McDonalds goes out of fashion the company still collects its rent. It’s future is assured.
Sharp cunts.
6
Absolute shite, eaten by people on a suicide mission.
Halal meat. Massive amounts of salt and sugar.
What kind of food outlet needs to bribe it’s consumers with free toys?
I remember driving past the local drive through, when they reopened during the first lockdown-queues down the main road. Fucking lower order cunts!
7
Rarely bother with McDonalds or Burger King, unless I’ve had a few beers and fancy something stodgy and tasteless.
I remember watching “Supersize Me” a few years back about a guy who does some kind of social experiment by spending an entire month eating only from a Mcdonald’s menu for breakfast, lunch, dinner and tea.
As expected he puts on a ton of weight, becomes more lethargic and short tempered, but also more addicted to the food, or whatever chemicals they allegedly add to the ingredients.
You can understand how the advertisers try to entice kids into taking their first bite into a Big Mac by using toys and free gifts as the carrot. And once the kids have become addicted they own your ass!
4
Good way to melt your liver as well👍
https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/abcnews.go.com/amp/Health/PictureOfHealth/story%3fid=4286176&page=1
1
With regards to what I said above:
Conversely-increasing the salt and fat content, then making it available at subsidised rates to Dark Keys, Peacefuls and other social parasites👍👍👍👍👍
5
Anything that MacDonalds does to assist in the fatal coronary of its customers (who are seemingly always black ( on the adverts ) is ok with me.
3
Whoever is keeping McDonald’s relevant it’s not me. I prefer to eat actual food. I would eat canned fish and beans before anything from that place. They have huge banners begging for workers at UP TO $11.00 per hour to start. Is that for a manager in the different colored shirt? Cheap bastards.
1