The Banjo String

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The Banjo String

The old chestnut has it that there’s a first time for everything. Last night I learned the truth of this axiom to my cost. I only effing well went and snapped my banjo string.
The first hint of trouble came in the form of a searing, burning sensation, which soon settled down to a throbbing ache. Then there was the bleeding, which went on for hours.

My cursing and carrying on led the wife to get on Ol’ Doc Internet pronto. “Mmm”, says she *tap tap* “…yes, it’s called the frenulum” (like I really needed to know that). “It says that it’s common for it to tear, that it’s usually not serious, and that it will heal by itself. Bind to contain the bleeding. Consult your general practitioner if you’re concerned “.

“Flaming arseholes” I curse, limping off in search of lint and surgical tape. “Concerned? Fucking twats. It feels like I’m ruined for life”.

“Can I do anything?” asks she, trying not to get the giggles at my hopelessly inept attempts to bandage my tadger. “Should I try to fashion a sling…?”.

“Piss off” says I testily. “Go and fetch me a Glenfiddich large enough to stun a gorilla. I’m off to lie on the bed”.

Fast forward to the morning. Following a night’s sleep broken by discomfort and worry, I decide that it is indeed proper to consult our GP, who duly phones me back. “What’s the problem?” she asks, in her usual, cheery way.

“Well *ahem* says I. “I’ve got one of those ‘down there’ problems”, and proceed, somewhat haltingly, to describe my dilemma.

“It’s a common occurrence” she confirms, “and it’ll heal itself, but I can tell that you’re anxious, so pop round at half ten and I’ll have a look to be on the safe side and set your mind at rest”.

So off I go, and duly suffer the indignity of having the family jewels examined for the purposes of medical investigation. “No, it’s nothing to worry about” says she. “It’s one of those things which causes distress out of all proportion to the actual injury. I’ll give you some antibiotic cream, and you should refrain from ‘risky’ activity for twelve days or so. I’ll diary you for a follow up call a week today”.

So now here I am some twenty four hours later, mincing about like Elton John’s houseboy, and with a face which looks (according to the wife) “like Wee Jimmy Krankie’s slapped arse”.

On the debit side, I’ve learned that the banjo string can be a cunt. On the credit side, I live in hope that the wife will be stricken by remorse for her giggling, and kiss it better at the earliest opportunity. Every cloud, it’s all part of life’s rich tapestry etc.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

47 thoughts on “The Banjo String”

    • Surely it should be his father who answers the question with “that’s my banana” The boy then says “ so how come you don’t eat your own instead of Uncle Joe’s?”
      You’re not very woke are you Mike?

      • Ive had my Banjo string snapped Ron.
        My a heavy handed over enthusiastic young lady when I was younger.
        Stings like fuck doesn’t it?
        And bleeds!!
        Now my nudger has a rather fetching scar!
        Sort of like Al Capone in a loose fitting rollneck jumper.

      • Ps
        Admin@
        This is Banjo string 2!
        Maybe 3?
        Hey thatd look great on the wall of cunts!
        A shredded foreskin 😂

    • Made me think of an old Limerick

      There was a young man from Tashkent
      His dick was so long that it bent
      to save himself trouble, he put it in double
      and instead of coming, he went.

    • The small triangular bit of skin that attaches your bellend to the shaft and foreskin,
      The frenulum.

      Dr Miserable

      • Morning Ruff,
        Wonder if theres a term for this act of amourous injury?
        Love atrocities
        Courting wounds
        Dating disability
        Something like that?

      • I am glad I had a late night and an early breakfast, bowels last week, foreskins this and (my own fault as it was my own nom) one of Starmer’s horrors – ISAC is not the place to be if you’ve just eaten and have a queasy stomach.

        Hope you are soon feeling better, Ron

  4. My condolences Ron.
    This occurred in my youth whilst I was giving a Spanish lady a very vigorous and romantic seeing-to.

    Very very upsetting indeed.

    Never mounted a Spanish since.

  5. When I was about 13 a mate of mine snapped his banjo wanking in a Geography lesson. It was fucking hilarious.

    • Geography lesson? He wasn’t a Peaceful was he? What were you studying?…… goatherders of the Hindu Kush?

      • I seem to remember we had a supply teacher for several weeks in Geography Freddie. She was this little wizzened old dear who didn’t have a bloody clue what the fuck was going on and we all used to sit there taking the piss basically.

        Before the lesson word went around that he was going to do it so we were all aware of what was going on. Then he shrieked and ran out!!!

        The wanker in question wasn’t really a ‘mate’ as such and was actually something of a bully and arch-cunt which added to the hilarity of the whole event.

        A few weeks later he took an enormous dump in a wash-hand basin in the bogs during Chemistry.

      • Then as soon as he was old enough he fucked off to join up with the Royal Marines. This was fine but I’d lent him my copy of Physical Graffiti so I never saw that again….

        From what I heard in later years he joined Deutsche Bank in New York to become their US Head Of Paperclips or something and was actually on his way to work in the WTC when the first plane struck.

        The cunt was always late for everything…..

  6. It’s the amount of claret involved that is truly distressing.

    Just be aware that it takes a long time for it to heal up and be as strong as it once was.

  7. I suddenly feel very ill and will have to go out to clear my head. I may be some time.

  8. Happened to me in my early 30s after banging a 23 year old stunner from work with a bit too much gusto (I think it was the third or fourth bang in a few hours – I basically broke my nob in her).

    Loads of blood, it shocked me an ‘all. I was too embarrassed to see a doctor. If it’d been serious I’d have probably died rather than get it looked at.

    Luckily, it cleared up in about a week or so but I was off hanky panky for about a month. Have a slow ‘test wank’ after a few weeks, before trying to bang a minge, that’s my highly unprofessional advice.

    • To be direct Ron at your age the chances of this healing are slim to none .
      Youll have to fashion yourself a ‘support tourniquet’.
      2 lollysticks and a bootlace maybe?
      Has to be tight though or next its your bellend falling off.
      The frenulum /banjo string is the essential support for your manhood,
      Without it?
      Just a bag of broken biscuits!
      😁

  9. Did it years back in my 20s when taking an young minx enthusiastically in her tradesmans. Lots of claret but a clean up and a tight tourniquet, akin to what the army used on severed limbs in Afghan stemmed the flow. Healed up in about 10days but need a couple of gentle road tests before going full power again. The stinging burning pain was a true cunt to experience.

  10. All this talk of snapped strings, and the ensuing pain thereof, has really put me off my Sunday morning wank over a teasing Analeze Dodds on all 4s (joking, of course!)
    The admins are sadistic bastards scheduling this on a Sunday morning and making me feel rather queasy at the ensuing comments and imagery!

  11. The breadth of knowledge,experience and advice available on this site is impressive and more than a tad worrying.

  12. Thanks Ron

    I sympathise with your predickament. It’s probably something I’d not have thought to share. Put on some tears for fears. Sounds like it’s looks worse than it so.

    Maybe I’ve missed it but what were you doing when your string broke? Ripping into a solo? Is it a symptom of a severe stroke?

    Hope it heals soon Ron.

    • Thanks Six
      It was a strange one. The amount of pain and bleeding at the time made me think that something awful had happened, but after about three days, there was little sign of anything but a small mark, sort of like a paper cut.
      The wife found that she’d got a frayed and ragged nail, and her theory is that she caught me with it. This seems the most likely explanation; I reckon in hindsight that I never actually snapped it at all, just nicked it. Still painful at the time mind.

  13. I’m sure my banjo twang was a result of putting the meat in the oven before it was up to temperature. Lucky mine was only a little tear, and not too much blood.
    Far worse was a friend who snapped his cock. His girlfriend was riding him vigorously when it popped out on the upstroke, and missed the bullseye on the downward thrust. It actually snapped. Let that sink in…..

    • Yeah I’ve heard of that. Sounds like your worst nightmare come true.
      Can this heal or be ‘fixed’?

      • It did heal eventually, but it would never be the same, and now he has a bend in it.
        I’m glad I never saw it, but my mate who did said it was horrific.
        It’s made me weary of that position ever since.

      • I hope he finished with her.

        If she’d have done that to me, know d make sure she was forever known as ‘the cocksnapper’ to ward fellas off.

        Jesus, I think the shock of that would’ve killed me.

  14. My condolences Rip Van Winkle.

    Don’t worry, the cunters of IsAC will have plenty of tales of their own war wounds to cheer you up whilst you recover and more sympathetic than your Mrs!

    Must be one of those things that only blokes can truly appreciate.

    (Just for you, Ron. – Day Admin Naughty Secretary )

  15. Snap. Just a heads up Ron, you’ll experience an alarming chill at some point in the not too distant future as you realise your old chap isn’t wearing its usual roll neck jumper. Probably shorts or an unzipped fly.

    • Thanks Fish lol!
      After a sore couple of days, it seems that the damage is nowhere near as bad as it felt at the time, thank Dog, more like a small cut, caused I think by the wife’s ragged nail.
      If that’s how a cut there feels, I hope that I never get to experience the proper job…

      • Burst arse grapes was a shocker, especially when good-looking female GP stuck her finger in the hole. Like a red-hot poker and barbed wire going up.
        Worst I had with crown jewels was ejaculating lood in universitt days. Apparently “just” a burst blood vessel…
        It sorted quickly.
        Get well soon, Mr. Knee!

  17. Being from Milton Keynes, I’m still processing the fact you managed to
    a) Get through to a doctor
    b) See your doctor
    c) Snap your fucking banjo string
    d) You got through to your doctor???????!!

    Hope you’re well tho

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