Steven Seagal (3)

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Steven is a action hero and sex idol, maybe you’ve seen one of his excellent well crafted films?
Hes also a bit racially fluid.
Hes been italian, Japanese, American Indian and occasionally slips into a black ghetto voice.
Amongst Stevens claims are
He was born clairvoyant
He can speak four languages fluently
He might of been a Navy Seal,
He trained CIA operatives and went on missions.
He is a expert on swords
He fought the Yakuza singlehandedly.
None of which is backed up with evidence.
Now im not ex forces but I doubt they have dyed ponytails and weird Dracula widows peak hairdos?

Id expect them to have a proven, traceable military history, maybe I’m naive?
And as a martial artist id expect them to be in reasonable shape?
Not a big fat sweaty cunt in cowboy boots?

Steven also likes to be a police officer.
Deputised for reality show ‘Steven Seagal:lawman ,
Things soon got out of hand.
Some genius convinced them to allow Steven to drive a armoured tank used in seige situations during a raid on someone suspected of illegal cockfighting.

Steven drove the tank right through the blokes house killing his puppy and causing 115 chickens to be euthanised.
Stating “one thing I cant abide is animal cruelty”.

He seems to be out of favour in Hollyweird circles, but can’t think why?
Maybe he should take up a hobby?
Maybe running?

https://youtu.be/nkskuSXqUD0

Nominated by: Miserable northern cunt

70 thoughts on “Steven Seagal (3)”

  3. Good early Saturday morning cunting, Mis.

    Didn’t Seagal play Casey Roebucks or was it Porky Roebucks in Under Sage (and onion)?

    Fat, muttering cunt.

    • Erika Eleniak as ‘Miss July ’89’ appearing topless out of giant birthday cake was my abiding memory of that.

    • Cheers Paul 👍
      What I find no end of fun is Steves fondness for quasi mystical bollocks,
      He thinks he’s being deep and oriental, while being one of the shallowest men on the planet.
      That and his outrageous hair.
      😀

      • He is more famous for his catchphrase; “do you want the role or not?” as he unzips his fly.

      • A fine nom Miserable. He was never big time really, not a Schwarzenegger, a Stallone or a Bruce Willis. More Jean- Claude Van Damme or Dolph Lundgren.

  6. Some of his early films were quite entertaining.
    Unfortunately his background is a fantasy and the only action he’s capable of now usually comes with melted cheese slices.
    Fuck knows what he thinks he’s doing.

    Make an excellent Home Secretary.

  7. Surely that is ex snooker supremo, Ray “Dracula” Reardon?

    I wondered what he did after retiring from the green baize.

    Navy seal, cop, martial artist-not bad for a boyo with an extending cue👍

  8. What happened to him? Looks like a fat rubberised Fu Manchu? Needs to lay of the Big Macs – although that won’t help his dementia.

  9. His best film from my point of view was Executive Decision.
    He was sucked out of an airplane within the first few scenes, never to be seen again.

    Anyone trained in martial arts can see when watching his fight scenes that he hasn’t got a fucking clue.

    As far as his language abilities are concerned, I have seen him play various foreign characters and the best that he can manage is to speak English with wierd accents.

    Fluent in 4 languages?
    ¡Vete a la mierda!

  11. Just watched that clip, MNC, and snorted a mouthful of tea down my nose!
    Priceless.
    Read the comments, they’re wonderful.

    • Hehehe 😀
      Runs funny doesn’t he Jeezum?
      Sort of Basil Fawlty!!

      Some producer bloke on set was walking past Steves trailer and checked in on him,
      Steve wàs sobbing!
      The producer asked if he was ok?
      “Ive just read the greatest script ever written” says Steve.
      “Oh ok, who wrote it?” Asks the producer.
      “I did” .
      True! Hahahaha 😀

  12. Reminds me of the James Bond film where he puts a compressed air line into the baddy and literally blows him up!

  13. I met Mr.Segal while on a spelunking holiday in The Peak District. He accused me of “disrespecting the native culture” when I threw an egg and tomato stottie at a rambler so I kicked the shit out of him and rammed his head down a handily sited Portaloo.

    These Hollywood Hardmen are soft as shite in real life..as Sylvester Stallone and Clint Eastwood also discovered when they tried to push in front of me while queuing for the “Teacup Carousel” at the local fairground.

  16. Word is that he owes his whole career to Hollywood agent Michael Ovitz, who made him a star in order to win a bet that he (Ovitz) could do so with anyone.

  17. Morning Dick👍

    Good for you.
    These LA action men think they can push us normals around.
    I myself had a run in with that jean Claude van damme，
    Pushing in the queue at the chippy.
    I hit the little cunt that hard,
    I detached his shadow,
    And it ran off.
    Its all in the wrist action isnt it?
    Ive built up very flexible wrist through training.
    Well wanking.
    But still counts.

  18. I used to watch a lot of his older movies which always seemed to have three-word titles:
    Above The Law
    Hard to Kill
    Out For Justice
    Straight to Video
    Ate the Pies
    Putting on Weight
    I’ve only seen bits of some of his more recent films and, from what I’ve seen I reckon he’s become a Jedi master. He just has to flap his hands about in front of his face and stuntmen hurl themselves across rooms.

  21. His name on a cast list, like Aniston or Grant, ensures I dont waste my time watching so havent seen more than 30 seconds of the cunt. Didnt know or care that he’s a Walter Mitty. I never met him when I was in the SAS and seconded to the US Navy Seals. At the Alamo.

  22. I grew up on Action films from the likes of :-
    Stallone
    Eastwood
    Berenger
    Van Damme
    Seagal
    Arnie
    Willis

    And thriller/drama actors such as:-
    Pacino
    De Niro
    Michael Douglas
    Nicholson
    Gibson
    Hackman
    and Tom Cruise

    Assuming these cunts are still alive, I wonder how many of them are about as far removed from their famous tough-guy action characters as you can get!

    Walk up to Arnie today and call him a cunt, and he’d probably blub to the old bill.

    “I won’t be back!”

    • I’ll take Eastwood any day. The rest of them can fuck right off…

      (To paraphrase old Dirty Harry, “Go ahead, make my cocoa!” – Day Admin)

      • I recently re-watched some of those 70s & 80s action films from some of the stars listed above, and OMG they really haven’t aged well (both the films and the actors!)

        Eastwood was always my favourite, but I preferred in those old “Man with no Name” spaghetti westerns compared to his Harry Callaghan films, probably because the latter do look dated and even a little creepy!

  23. I’ve always suspected that he’s a shitstabber.
    Wooden cunt.
    Good morning.

    (No idea why this ended up in the MQ. Might be for “shitstabber”, but then again it could be just your turn, JC – Day Admin)

  24. Great nom MNC, perhaps the best of the year so far.

    Never understood why The Academy always overlooked Steven;s fine work. His ability to use martial arts without seemingly moving at all is true genius. I love that one about oilfields (or some such) where he wears a ‘Redskin’ outfit (or ‘Eskimo’ or some such) and gives a rambling speech about nature (or the environment or some such) at the end is particularly memorable! That Greeta Thundercunt girlie gets all her ideas from Steven, she is just a copycat.

    Good morning, everyone.

    • Morning 20!👍
      Steves Hollyweirds answer to mr Benn isnt he?
      Chameleon like in his approach to race,
      Is he red indian?
      Is he a chinaman?
      Hes all things to all men.

      The puddled twat.

  25. Under Siege was ok thanks to a capable director and good supporting cast, but every thing else he did was shite.
    Just another washed up fat cunt…

    • Any film that has Gary Busey in drag, saying “do I look like I need a psychological evaluation?” has to have something going for it… 👍

  26. Well ,Since his shite b movies dried up,they can always cast him as a walrus drifting on an broken ice sheet towards LA land.
    Suddenly Greta squash face arrives in a zillion dollar yacht
    Sepal says ‘ I’m need to get to Hollywood to save my career “
    Greta ‘ No your a walrus and I’m going to save you ‘
    Segal ‘but you don’t understand ‘
    Greta ‘ I understand everything and I’m going to tow you back to where you belong you Artic ham.
    Greta goes on to win an Oscar for saving Hollywood from having to listen to the ham forever more

  27. I’ve never seen any of his films. He was fanous for having a pony tail and was always a bit creeoy and kooky which is ironic as he now resembles something from the Addams Family.

    • He was handsome as fuck in the 90s, but at some point he went on the Orson Welles diet and started getting delusions of grandeur worthy of Walter Mitty on grade-A coke.

  28. Steven Seagal is a man of many, many, many talents…

    (6 minutes)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isNRZJ6icwc

    (14-minute version with clips from Seagal movies)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycZeO7wkM9o

    I recently heard that the reason Seagal has made so many shitty movies is that his movies in the 90s were funded by the Mafia and he owed them massive favours, hence the deluge of shitty straight-to-DVD badly-titled movies he has made in the last twenty years. Makes sense as he is so fat now and needs to sit down most of the time in scenes. Great story about Segal literally shitting his pants…

    (3 minutes)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuqpR7BK3M0

    Oh man, Seagal is a cunt, the Gene Simmons of cinema.

    (This went into the MQ because of the multiple hyperlinks. A real PITA sometimes, but prevents spamming I suppose – Day Admin)

    • There’s just so many hilarious YT videos on Seagal that you could be here all day posting them! I think I got across how ridiculous this guy is fairly concisely.

  29. Wait … what? Isn’t he Vlad da Meer Poootins best mate? I think so … he recently acquired Russian citizenship. So he must be a right hard cunt! Right?

    Anyway, isn’t he a cook? Yeah pretty sure they said he was a cook in Under Seige … Casey Ryback. So real I thought it was news footage … well that was until I discovered that ‘news footage’ was in fact fake … making Mr Segal just as real in my opinion. 😳💥💥💥

  30. Also this cunt playing buddy buddy with chechen dictator Ramzan Kadyrov who has death squads to terrorize his nation and political rivals with Also has supposedly done several massacres

    Also claimed that no homosexuals are in checyna lol well yeah thats because you jail or kill them all. Can’t be fucked to spell their stupid backwater islmo Slavic country right get fucked Steven Stegal you piss poor Stallone knock off you

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