Daily Express Heatwaves and False Dawns

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“We’re having a heatwave,
A tropical heatwave,
The way that she moves,
The thermometer proves
She certainly can….can-can”

It seems the Daily Express and Daily Star have overdosed on this Irving Berlin song – since May they have been predicting a heatwave “next week”. Here is the latest prediction from today, 16/8/21.

News Link

The trouble is – they never materialise.

Fuck the Express for raising my hopes. I suppose they hang a bit of seaweed out of the bog window at their office.

Nominated by: W.C. Boggs

 

61 thoughts on “Daily Express Heatwaves and False Dawns”

  1. Same with weather forecasts that turn out totally wrong. The easier way is just to stick your head out of the window in a morning and see for yourself.

    • Interrupting myself – did anyone have Charlie Watts in their Deadpool. Gone to the great rim shots in the sky at 80 (Wireless 4 news 1730)

    • notice how temperatures such as 14C are now orange on the map instead of green like they were 20yrs ago?

      also meteorologists are not scientists, they look at a computer prediction. Then predict the weather inaccurately. Oddly, they never say that after three days their accuracy is little more than 5%. Yet ‘know global warming is happening’, no geologists are ever asked.

      It’s like saying I’m a qualified fire chief, because you once made a camp fire.

  2. No doubt the Express will backtrack and suggest the lack of any heatwave is due to CC.

    Of course had there been a heatwave it will have been due to CC

  3. It’s strange that they can predict what the climate will do over the next 100 years but they can’t get tomorrow’s weather forecast right.

  4. They did have (still have?) some wanker by the name of Nathan Yao working for them who, every winter without fail, predicted some sort of cataclysmic “snowmageddon” and every year he is wrong.
    At least about the south of England. I couldn’t pontificate about the 3rd world (anywhere north of Worcester!)

    • Snow is waycist!

      Jon Snow has never seen so few white faces in Londonistab.

  6. Nice to see Kate in the header pic. That’s my afternoon tea-time wank sorted! 😊

  7. A shit summer. A normal British summer that isn’t “ the hottest ever” “ wettest ever” “ coldest ever” . Just normal Shitty weather as per normal.. Hysteria is just a normal but very un British part of modern life.

    • Who in their right mind wants a heatwave? Next we’ll be walking round in singlets, growing mullets, and being workshy cunts like the Convicts.

      20° is best.

  8. Moreover, I’m pretty sure I spotted Alan Whicker loitering outside a branch of Hays Travel the other day. You just can’t trust the Express.

  10. The Express seem to be obsessed with fake weather reports.
    Every winter they tell us it’s going to snow so hard that it will be end of days

    • I love their comical UFO articles that are surely just a way of keeping people of the trail of where those craft REALLY come from, ie. Earth not out in space, piloted by humans from an advanced society. It’s not scary or exotic-looking Star Trek critters!

  11. Im glad theyve got it wrong.
    Hot enough as it is.
    My bollocks are like 2 boil in the bag dumplings.
    Fuckin summer.
    What I want is a proper winter!
    6ft snowdrifts, abandoned cars,
    Pensioners eaten by wolves,
    Food parcels air dropped,
    Proper weather.
    The MSM couldn’t find its arse with both hands.
    Ive forgotten more about weather than them twats knew.
    Meteorologist?
    Meteorologist!
    What like Piers Corbyn?
    Fuckin sexcase looking scarecrow cunt.
    Tells me its sunny ?
    I’ll twist his fuckin head so he can see his arse the posh mentalist twat.

    • Nowt like a foggy morning Miserable, good trespassing weather! Sneak past Fiddler while distracting the hounds with some cut price Lidl bangers.

      • Too true, LL.
        Breaking the ice on the wash basin of a morning.
        The touch of icy wind on your helmet as you piss on mr Aktars grave.
        Magical.
        Fiddler has said I’m allowed to have a wander on his land anyway,
        Said in my case “im special”.
        Hes just shy,
        Heart of gold really,
        Or some form of metal at any road…

      • “The touch of icy wind on your helmet as you piss on mr Aktars grave.”
        Or through Mr Iqbal’s shop letterbox?

    • Despite us agreeing on just about everything, MNC, I have to respectfully say “what the fuck?!” about your most peculiar attitude toward summer…it’s brilliant! Flowers, sunshine, fit birds in skimpy clothes, what’s not to like?!
      I dread winter…freezing misery and dark depressive months…and that’s in god’s country (the south). I can only imagine what it’s like in Northumberland…having to wear snowshoes on your huskie sled, 27 hrs of darkness per day.
      And then there’s the legend of the evil Abominable Snow Påķi of East Cramlington to scare your kids with.

      • Thomas,
        I stamp on flowers, I see a fit bird in skimpies?
        Say
        ” you little whore! Your a disgrace! Cover up!
        Have some decorum!”
        Little hussies, flaunting themselves.
        Summers ok if youve a touch of the tarbrush or water for blood,
        But I like weather like I like my wimmen.
        Frosty, cold and barren, and white.😁

      • You’d not turn down a nosh from the alluring Rustie Lee, surely?
        Or Floella Benjamin? It’s part of the Comic Relief charter for ethnically diverse wimmin telly presenters to travel round the country administering noisy fellatio and other assorted sexual favours to underpriviledged married men with frigid wives.
        I myself received a particularly forceful rimming from Tessa Sanderson.

      • Most certainly would!
        A tyre swinger?!!!!
        Oh no sirree.
        Id distract Flo or Rusty with fresh fruit and phone Chester zoo to check for escapees!
        Ttce@
        Thomas!
        I got a massive boner the other day watching a film with the missus,
        A female wrestler no less!!!
        Called Paige.
        Lemme find a link!👍👍

      • This alleged “massive” boner…
        You’re sure you weren’t watching Brokeback Mountain again? 😄

      • That a spaghetti western?
        Sure they were a bit…you know,
        Light in the Stetson?
        Fond of line dancing….

    • Wonderful quote, FF.

      Funny how all deceased rich people are suddenly into suspect practices.

      Hum, let’s think about why that might be?

      • Well, there were allegations against Hope by a woman named Cathy O’Brien and a woman named Brice Taylor in her book, “Thanks for the Memories: The Truth Has Set Me Free” which is about her being mind-controlled through trauma and raped by Hope and Henry Kissinger.

        Hope was one of those untouchable icons of showbiz in the so-called “Golden Age of Hollywood” and he fucked everything: women, men, kids and was generally an asshole to everyone, even troops in Vietnam when he visited to “entertain” them with his crappy comedy.

        The more you look into showbiz “legends” the darker it gets. Kirk Douglas raped Natalie Wood when she was 16, her mother and sister were in the car waiting for her for hours outside that den of degeneracy, the Chateau Marmont (where John Belushi died) and had to keep quiet for years as Kirk became a power player in Hollywood.

        Hooray for Hollywood!

      • I don’t know nuffink abaaat Bob’s dirty business. I do know that a money spider moved shop into my right eyebrow yesterday while I was sweating my bollocks off up a ladder. Cheeky bastard.

  15. The way some people talk about the weather these days needs to be cunted. They are not content with just briefly remarking on the rain, they have to try and come across as a meteorologist or 19th century whaling captain.

    • Talking about the weather is proper!
      Its what we do and have always done.
      Its British.🇬🇧
      Some cunt doesn’t Im suspicious of them!
      Is he foreign?
      Maybe a spy?
      Whats he upto?
      Is he plotting?
      You know where you stand chatting about the weather!

      • “Went the day well?”

        For the same reason, I don’t carry my gas mask with me. Brits just didn’t.
        Only needed for Navy Lark evenings with Penny, or a session in Charlotte Church’s dungeon.

      • That’s all fine, but some people turn small talk into the Gettysburg Address, but without the humour.

  17. The Daily Express… With their strange obsession with the long deceased Diana Sloaney Princess of Hearts. Not forgetting their strange fetish with the weather and also nonexistent little green ‘aliens’ from the Planet Zog. I think that would be the ultimate front page headline for the Express: ‘Diana’s corpse having tea with the Mekon in scorching heatwave!’

    What a set of pathetic cunts.

    • I reckon that the Express is a satire comic masquerading as a newspaper. Maybe all news rags are just that – a superficial glance at the world that makes you feel informed. And some headlines are like magic spells, especially the punning wordplay of The Sun and Daily Star. A lot of slogans are like spells that work on your subconscious mind. Media is mind-control. Government means mind-control: govern (to steer, control); ment (mentation, mental, mind).

      But they stopped us seeing tits on Page 3. That was weird. Yeah, let’s put TITS in a newspaper. Seems surreal when you look back on it. Amazing that it took until 2015 for it to be stopped. It used to make women REALLY uncomfortable if they saw you gazing at page 3, I had some awkward encounters at work with frumpy Claire Rainer types.

    • Norman, I’m guessing as far as the princess of tarts goes, that “having tea” is a euphemism.
      I wonder if Mekons are “Milk, then just as it comes?”, apologies to Sir John Betjeman.

    • I have a good headline for the Express:

      MADDIE McCANN: “WASHOUT SUMMER IS HINDERING US”, SAYS PRINCESS DI MURDER COP”: “It’s Shameful” says Sir Keir. Harry & Meghan Statement

  18. It’s the whole of Reach PLC. Seperate papers have different views. I dont go on the guardian and chat bollocks. However you’d think the weather being the weather they’d all have the same consensis.

  19. ‘ What are you forecasting about ? ‘
    ” What have you got ? ”

    JTC ….. cool and dry.
    Get To Fuck.

    • A remake of The Wild One with Oliver Reed (your avatar) would have been awesome! Have you read the biographies of him – Evil Spirits and What Fresh Lunacy Is This? Great actor and great eccentric.

      • Not read those. Don’t seem to have the time for reading much, lately.
        Reed claimed to be a descendant of Peter The Great.
        I’d like to think that was true.
        Great actor, did ‘ menace ‘ really well, as did Donald Pleasence, another favourite of mine.
        Evening, Mr. Gordon.

      • Robert Shaw too.
        Did menace well.
        As did John Quade!
        (Leader of biker gang The Black widows in Any which way but loose)

        Cholla “you Filo Beddo?”
        Clint “I know you?”
        Cholla “your gonna…”
        😀
        Evening Jack👍

      • If I still had those books I’d mail them to you, but I put all my books to a charity shop a few years ago.

        What Fresh Lunacy goes into the Peter the Great claim. It’s plausible, but not verifiable, alas. A lot of the misunderstanding of Ollie are sorted out in the book. He is still seen as a drunken buffoon by most people, but he was a caring, sharing, sensitive, hilarious man of the people who suffered for years with dyslexia but could memorize the entire script and nail his lines first time on set after a night on the piss. He was considered, but not offered, to play Bond for, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. That would have been amazing, unlike wooden Peter Lazenby in what is maybe the best Bond movie, plot-wise and in terms of action and drama with the tragic ending. After that the Bonds became camp and silly until the Daniel Craig films.

        Donald Pleasence was great at playing oddballs. Cul-de-Sac (1966, Roman Polanski) features him at his oddball best. Lo and behold, it is on YouTube in glorious HD…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfaYgKBwd88

        Worth watching if you get the time one enchanted evening!

      • Thanks for that, Mr. Gordon.
        I think he gave people what they wanted / expected.
        Shame, really.

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