The reasons to avoid travelling on public transport if you can are many and varied. No doubt one of the most compelling is the desire to avoid contact with that elusive, anti-social individual known only as ‘The Phantom Farter’.
I had to go into town earlier today, and was obliged to return by bus. This led to an encounter with that sinister, will o’ the wisp figure, which proved to be only slightly less traumatic than a near-death experience.
As I was nearing the end of my journey, one of ten or so passengers on the lower deck let off one of those silent-but-deadly guffs which suggest that the culprit has stuffed an over-ripe piece of Stilton up their arse and left it to rot.
The effect on the social dynamic among the passengers was subtle yet immediate. Heads turned uneasily from side to side, as individuals visibly sort to direct attention away from themselves by implying that the source of the atrocity lay elsewhere.
The cheeky cunt in the seat behind me got up and opened a window, in what I took to be a blatant attempt to point the finger of blame at me. Then an elderly Asian woman pressed the bell and shuffled towards the door. The collective consciousness of the remaining passengers immediately formed the opinion ‘CURRY!’, and a silent verdict of ‘guilty’ was inferred.
Shortly it was my turn to get off, and as I walked away from the bus stop I was at pains to avoid glancing in the direction of any pavement-side passengers, lest this be seen as an admission of guilt on my part.
Take it from me ladies and gents (and others), this really was a rasper of the most eye- wateringly noxious kind. I mean, what kind of diet must some people be on to produce such an effect?
The worst of it is, you never know where this anonymous misanthrope may strike next; in the supermarket, the cinema queue, the post office,the coffee shop… before fading into the wild blue yonder once more.
‘They seek him here, they seek him there, they seek the bastard everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell, that elusive farting pimpernel’.
I think I need some air…
Nominated by – Ron Knee
LOL 😂
14
Sounds like a mass tooting, Ron.
9
If I had to put money on it, Ron, it would be the elderly, shuffling Asian woman. Likely the gaseous remnants of the bhuna she wolfed down the night before, alongside a cauliflower bhaji.
Elderly people love dropping their guts before serruptiously ambling away from the miasma they have just given birth to.
16
The thought of traveling on public transport, appals me, especially if it was in a peaceful area.
One would certainly be advised to wear an NCB suit.
Most unsatisfactory.
Good morning.
14
The odour is no better in Kassim or Iqbal’s taxi.
13
I think it was the old Asian woman.
Sort of halfarsed terrorism.
They’re all like that.
Slack arsed from spicy food.
Although in the name of cultural misappropriation I also like to drop my guts when in crowds.
But mine are healthy steak& ale pie flavoured,
Proper English scent.
17
I once farted in a minibus comes back from the races…most people were asleep and I thought that it was safe to let rip…the smell resulted in the driver screeching to a halt,jumping out and vomiting..closely followed by a couple of others who had got a waft as we violently braked…the bus was abandoned..like a scene from the sinking of The Titanic,men scrambling over women to get to safety…they stood at the side of the road with all the bus doors open while I sat roaring with laughter…alas,the laughter died when I realised that I had actually slightly followed through and had to decamp and disappear behind a hedge to ditch my slightly moist and sticky skiddies…not that I admitted it…said that I just went for a shit to avoid any more rancid farts…A Gentleman has some pride,you know.
28
Well done Sir Richard, so very well done.
6
A true classic of the genre, Sir Dick!
5
Words worthy of entry in Pepys’ diary!
3
I think your phantom is hiding in my car, Ron.
8
Ron,take my advice.
If having to resort to the bus always sit upstairs wearing a top hat smoking a very large cigar.
You may wish to close all the windows as well.
11
You are I.k. Brunel and I claim my £5 voucher to witness your next wonder of the mechanical age: the worlds largest Cunt-oven👍
12
Excellent Nom. Ron, as always👏
I had a mate who could drop his guts at will-a it fucking honked 😢
I told him that a young chap should not have those sort of problems-turns our hw gas colitis, the poor cunt.
My money is on the shuffling peaceful-they fucking stink at the best of times.
Dirty old terrorist dropped a dirty bomb, then departed.
“Allah “Quackbar”!!!
🤔
11
Nicely put, Ron.
I heard somewhere that Prince Charlie employs someone in his entourage/train solely to take the blame if HRH should drop his guts while on public walkabout. Apparently this royal protocol dates back to Henry VIII’s time, when the food was so rich that the air at court was truly acrid.
Of course, there is no such post or tradition in the French court as no one took any notice of farting, everyone just shat behind the curtains. Filthy cunts.
10
Nothing like letting out a quick Tommy Squeaker, getting a whiff of it, theatrically looking at the person next to you, in disgust and walking away shaking your head.
9
Alas DCI I cannot do that. I can squeeze one out with no guilty look whatsover, but if it stinks and anyone notices i just piss myself laughing and its game over.
8
You’re a bounder and a cad, sir!
5
Muah ha ha you’ll never stop me. I’ve recently discovered the joyous effects of pickled seaweed, like the Swan river foreshore on a 40°C day and as per the curry lady all eyes stare daggers at the nearest Oriental leaving me to revel in my own crapulence.
12
Do farts get stronger the older you get?
It seems that way.
Not done any scientific research into it,
But when younger they were sort of healthy smelling,
Hops and Alpen sort of.
Now theyre potent as fuck.
Dangerous even.
I once farted and the dog went blind for 3 days.
10
I’ve had the Hounds give me a disgusted look and leave the room when I’ve farted….bit rich considering some of the smells that they release after eating a raw rabbit or a lump of sheep’s afterbirth…I politely ignore their social faux-pas…I don’t seek to “fart-shame” them.
Morning,Mis.
Morning,All.
11
Morning Dick,
That thing that dogs do,
Where they fart then look startled?
Never ceases to make me laugh.
😁
Funny but only me and the dog fart in our house?
Apparently the missus has never farted in her life…
8
Nice girls don’t fart, Miserable. Except inadvertently… then it smells like parma violets.
Morning lads.
7
Morning Ruff.
You know where they make Parma violets?
Here. New Mills😀
6
Years ago (and this is straight up) I remember reading in the paper that some cunts at a uni had done research into farting. The main finding was that men’s farts are louder, women’s are smellier.
I’ve always been intrigued to find out the methodology behind this dramatic finding, but I’ve had no luck tracking the article down (it was also reported on the news!).
Now you know how your hard-earned tax money gets spent…
4
Probably in The People’s Friend or The Listener.
Dunno why, but they just strike me as likely choices.
Oh dear. A solemn voice from the idiots’ lantern intones that “terrible things are happening to donkeys. Will YOU do something now?”
I’ve just let rip. This one’s for Ned.
1
Stimulating nom, Ron. In the interests of transparency I must confess to farting several times while watching GB News this morning. Crybaby marathon runner and street urinater Paula Radcliffe was on. Apparently she is now an expert on the Environment and tells me I have to shell out £10,000 on a new boiler and loads more on an electric car or billions of black people living in the turd world will die a horrible death next week. Cheeky little has-been white saviour! I bet her farts stink worse than Dawn Lardbutt’s
13
Whenever there is ‘Green’ type on the box it’s always ‘we have to take action NOW’, never actually saying exactly what action is required Now.
Maybe stop all these athletes jetting round the world, they can run in their own neck of the woods, that Max Whitlock bloke seems to be able to perform his routine on the back of his sofa. Maybe let all the skateboarders fuck off to Tokyo so they aren’t pissing people off trying to do high street shopping whilst jumping out of they way of the clattering cunts.
I have ordered my heat pump for the 30th December 2049, can’t say I am not doing my bit 😂
Good morning RTC.
7
Morning Sickie. Can’t say I’m not doing my bit either: to preserve precious water resources I only flush the toilet when the bowl is overflowing or the stench is overpowering. The fact we’re on a meter is immaterial. Even my lawnmower’s electric, ffs!
5
I was in a lift once with a colleague, we were on training for a few days residential. My floor was next and he was on a higher floor. Just as the door was about to open I released the most fragrant guff that Satan himself would have been proud of. As the door opened a really fit bird walked in as I walked out. His face when we met at dinner was a picture, he didn’t know whether to hit me of piss himself laughing. She obviously thought it was him as the air biscuit had a delayed reaction rendering him as the culprit.
9
It’s known that a lift fart is wrong on so many levels.
I’ve released my own fragrance, nobody in the car seems to like it.
7
A private fart in a car is a thing of beauty lol
6
As a person with Pancreatic Failure, and in spite of medication ( PERT ) my farts are legendary. I am barred from certain establishments and family gatherings ( excepting funerals )
My shit floats and does not flush, it sticks and it lingers. Its stench is resemblant of a freshly revealed mass grave.
Nothing gives me greater pleasure than dropping one in the rear of a “Carpet Taxi”. Joy. Sheer Joy.
(On reflection it probably wasn’t the greatest idea to schedule this nom during breakfast – Day Admin)
12
Exactly what I thought. Not had my porridge yet and not likely to. Fucking disgusting is what it is!
6
Noticed this a lot at gigs immediately after the smoking ban came in. Turns out that the noxious gases from cigarettes are far more appealing than the noxious gases from the arses of sweaty metalheads
11
Gwyneth Paltrow is currently flogging candles smelling of her fetid minge, so it will only be a matter of time before she branches out and flogs perfume originating from her farts!
Just hope it doesn’t give the likes of Flabbott, Phillips and Anal Eaze any ideas!
6
Yes, she’s already given us the classic ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’, so I suppose that ‘This Smells Like My Arse’ is inevitable.
And you can bet your boots some daft cunt would buy it…
3
My business partner is one of those little guys who has become a bodybuilder, you the small man syndrome type.
To do this he eats shit like Tuna and rice which he microwaves in out tea room [stinks to high heaven for an hour at least] they he drinks protien shakes and whey and all manner of other shit.
He then farts like a fucking bluderbuss, so its not covert at all, but wet rips that would have anyone else needing to go and wipe, the smell is fucking unreal, words cannot describe, it makes you want to Araldite your nostils shut, to the point where he dosnt get invited around to peoples houses anymore.
If he did this on a public bus, the anti terrorism police would have to be called….
12
I’m sure SAGE will be on the case very soon, and insist the country goes into another lockdown due to Fartid-2021.
Social distancing and face masks have never been more appealing!
7
Michael Caine’s legendary line “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!” springs to mind
2
Ron, it was obviously the Asian woman, all those spices with god know what will have produced a lethal cocktail, but weren’t you wearing your mask, surely that would have been adequate protection against the disgusting foreign odour 😂
4
I think this was the unspoken consensus reached by the others on the lower deck Sick.
That makes us all waycists of course…
4
Nothing better than holding one in and when needs be walking down the management corridor and letting it slowly slip out knowing at some point the CEO or medical director ( stuck up bitch, give us our fucking table and 4 chairs back in our little reff room) will walk out and get a lungfull.
7
Never fails to make me chuckle when we shift a pensioner and they let out a ripper! I just say “Better out that in, I always say”, in my best Kenneth Williams voice! I always remember taking one cunt in who’d sat in a chair for a couple of days. Couldn’t move. The smell was like opening the gates of fucking Hades!! We put a shit-load of inco sheets on the stretcher, shoved him in the back and threw the student in with him and jumped in the cab with the windows open… Kids have to learn.
7
As my late, very much lamented father-in-law always said;
‘where ere ye be, let yer wind gang free’
or
‘better an empty hoose than a bad tenant’
8
Saw a documentary about Kenneth Williams where they told a story of how he was shooting a Carry On film and had a love scene with Joan Sims. He let rip during the scene and Sims complained. Williams got on his high horse about how it was perfectly natural to fart and everyone farted, “Even Valentino farted!” To which the director replied, “Yes, but they were silent films.”
10
Superb anecdote Grumpy!
5
Brings back memories of the return journey on the away football coach. A while day on the beer…..
5
I reckon her Maj doesn’t fart at all.
When I first joined the RN and was later alongside the royal yacht an old salt told me that one day a diver had captured a royal turd and had it in a glass box. Even as a sprog it’s hard to believe I was naïve enough to believe it
7
I used to work in a college and we had a real miserable bastard of a janitor who, despite him being a grumpy, obstructive sod, I had to admire because of his ability to fart and keep a straight face at the same time.
He’d be listening to some pompous arse of a lecturer complaining about something trivial (someone in a house across the street had a red car in their driveway which was distracting the lecturer because it was an angry colour was one classic moan) and he’d stand there listening to them.
Then there would be a sound like canvas ripping and he would still be listening and nodding his head. Then the canvas ripping sound would turn into something sounding like a duck with a machine gun followed by a stench that would curdle concrete. And still he kept a straight face and acted as if nothing had happened.
The man was an obnoxious git but a genius too.
10
Have just gone back to my car. It still smells as if someone has opened their lunch in it.
3
It wasn’t me, my farts don’t smell.
3
The best argument I’ve seen yet against the use of face masks. Considering the gaseous MOAB had made it’s way through a pair of shreddies, denim….or sari in this case. Infected the “pure” air of a bus !!! Got past the “face covering” and exploded the senses. May as well have chicken wire as a mask.
4
The one’s that come out silent and hot are the worst. Once I feel that heat I have to turn up wind to avoid the potent knoxtious black cloud.
4
Silent and hot are a good indication that you have gambled and lost and the gradual realization you have followed through.
6
Oldest joke in the world.
“Doctor, I think there’s something wrong with me. My farts don’t smell.”
“Let me see. Do one.”
“Oh yes, you’re going to need an operation.”
“What, on my arse?”
“No, on your nose.”
4
Haha yep, or the doctor says pass me that long pole with a hook on it.
Are you gonna shove it up my arse?
No open a fucking window.
2
I reckon vegetarian/vegan output must be as lethal as the German shake ‘n’ vac.
Chilli con carne always raises the ambient temp considerably at Hubbard Hall, as do sprouts.
2