Pissing In Middle Age

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I’m now on some sort of register for having to Google search for people pissing.

Pissing in middle-age is a total cunt.

A mere 9 years ago when I was 40, I was pissing like a racehorse as soon as my helmet was free of my undies and now, despite really needing a slash, I have to wait 20-30 seconds before the first pathetic dribble appears, increasing to a full ‘torrent’, which is about as vigorous as lumpy gravy strained through an old sock.

And wanking? What the fuck is up with wanking?
20 years ago I used to shoot my toxic jizz a country mile and regularly managed to land some in a bird’s hair.
But now?
Jesus wept, it ‘erupts’ with all the force of dripping thick porridge off the edge of a cold spoon.

Getting older sucks. But I’m sure in another 10 years as I rocket towards 60/the grave, I’ll get my second wind and will be flinging bodily fluids around with gay abandon.
Right, slightly elderly cunters?!

Nominated by: Thomas the Cunt Engine

Seconded by: Hard Brexit Cunt

I second your nomination as I know how you feel. I once shot my load in my own mouth but now struggle to squirt my man milk past my belly button.

My first piss in the morning is miserable. It comes out in dribs and drabs and not where I am aiming. Gone are the days when my piss went in all directions after a great night’s shag.

62 thoughts on “Pissing In Middle Age”

  1. This all sounds very familiar to me i’m afraid. If I were you i’d get down the Doc’s pronto or you might not see that 60th year. I’m not fucking about just in case you thought I was.

  2. Not just the flow, the entire bastard hardware package seems to have become a nuisance. Whilst the plums and undercarriage are expanding and hanging lower, the once Python like appendage is rapidly turning into not much more than a giant skin tag that occasionally cries yellow water.
    Definitely a cunt.

  3. No Fun is it Thomas?
    Getting older.
    I piss like a Karcher jetwash still but noticed my baby gravy is a flat white nowadays,
    Used to have a frothy head on it like a pint of draught ale!
    And where birds used to look at me with lust it tends to be alarm nowadays.☹️
    Made a pact with the missus,
    If either of us get dementia we dont go in a home.
    Im not being mistreated by some fuckin minimum wage Africunt!

  4. The good Dr (Mrs M) tells me that the male prostate gland grows as you age and puts pressure on the bladder and urethra. As a result, fluids don’t enjoy travel at the same high velocity as they did before.

    One thing all us over 50 cunters need to be aware of is prostate cancer. So if you begin to get up in the night for multiple dribbly pisses then you would be best letting a medic have a rummage down the back of your sofa for some pesetas to see if the prostate has any cancerous nodules on the surface. I am told it should be smooth like a Victoria Plum.

    Good morning all!

    • Perfect job for chutney ferrets, bring your trunks, awight?!!

  5. Nah getting old is a real cunt. And painful one Arthritis etc and getting to death will be a total cunt.” It’s only just begun” sang Karen.

  6. Speaking as a medical professional, Thomas, with those symptoms, as Paul said, you need to see your GP and get it checked. Now. It might be fuck-all, but, it might not be.

    (Personally, my first piss of the day is always taken sat down…).

    • “Personally, my first piss of the day is always taken sat down”

      Gene, that reminds me of a line in my guilty pleasure, the TV series “The In-Betweeners” – it’s about four sixth formers, in pre PC days. One of their number does the same thing:

      Neil: “I can do it sitting down. I do that sometimes – as a treat”

      For all the vexations of the world, I turn to that show, because it is real, smutty and totally unselfconcious. I doubt they would be allowed to make it now 🙁

  7. Sadly, all the doom on this thread is justified. For the past few years I have to start my day with a “Dutrozen” tablet and a large glass of water, to “encourage” the bladder – the problem is after about an hour, for the next three or four hours, it encourages the fucking thing too much, and there are constant trips to the lavatory. I wouldn’t dare go out till about 9.30 a.m., as I have too much pride to wear rubber knickers.

    I bet old Izzard will soon have to don the TenaLadies, girl mode or no, and, sadly for him they don’t do them in pink frillies.

  8. ” I used to shoot my toxic jizz a country mile and regularly managed to land some in a bird’s hair”….I still can…..of course it means getting on a bus,sitting 3 seats behind the blissfully unaware object of my affections and flicking it off my fingers after a pocket-wank but faint heart never won fair maid…the dirty tarts love it,of course.
    I don’t do it so much these days…bus fares are exorbitant and I don’t much like the class of person who travels on Public Transport…they tend to be common.

  9. Prostate examinations.
    Rigid cystoscopy”s
    Flexible cystoscopy’s.
    Urine flow tests.
    Scans of varying types.
    Blood in bodily fluids.

    It’s a wonderful life.
    So, you cunts,get checked out, if anything’s amiss.
    Thank fuck for the NHS.
    Good morning.

  10. @Thomas. As we get older, the old bedroom shenanigans become more fraught with difficulty.
    Sometimes to the point of becoming more of a chore.
    The good news is that there are lots of other ways to enjoy yourself.
    The stamps of the old Eastern Bloc countries are particularly colourful, cheap and readily available, so I’m told.
    Welcome to the club.

  11. Pipes get corroded with age.
    Important to keep ploughing on regardless.

    • Tommy Cuntengine@
      Lots of lads suggesting you get a prostate examination
      If your shy about having another mans fingers up your arse (id guess not!😀)
      Then ask a friend or someone sat next to you at work.
      If still not comfortable with that,
      Self examine!!
      Stick a a Cadbury s chocolate finger up there and give it a swirl about.
      On second thoughts maybe a Mars Bar……

      • Last time I had a finger up the nether regions, it was a gorgeous female GP, rather Dewberryesque.
        Sadly, I was there because of exploding arse grapes, and the finger felt like a white-hot cheese grater. Hb

  12. At 68 I appear to be in good health, able to piss in a steady stream , all my own teeth etc. However, there is a nagging doubt that something is lurking around the corner to fuck up my life completely and that nasty thought does lessen my pleasure at an otherwise enjoyable existence.

  13. 👍 Great header pic, Admin – that’s my post breakfast wank sorted, cheers!

  14. Difficult business this prostate diagnosis. Careful not to be a pretend doctor although I was once a bogus gynaecologist.
    As has been said the prostate gland grows over time from a plum size to a fucking grapefruit. If it is just BHP then although no cure there are a few things that can help ie. Finasteride etc.
    Getting up in the night is normal with age so maybe no late drinks with caffeine, booze etc. Problem here is you need to keep the tract flushed so ffs have a word with the doc.
    It’s more likely to be an enlarged prostate but if not you’ll be early doors.
    For what it’s worth I take a pint of water each morning with vit C + zinc and it helps me.
    .btw. Why don’t wimminz get this problem?

    • Cos they dont have to alternate between sperm and piss out the same japseye

      • Why do women rub their eyes after they wake up in the morning?

        Because they don’t have any balls to scratch. 😀

  15. I misread the original nom as “Pissing in the Middle Ages”, which struck me as a remarkably niche subject!

    • It sounds like a subject in Just A Minute: Margaret Beckett – you have just a minute to speak on Pissing In The Middle Ages, starting from now, and, after all you have an advantage as you were actually there.

      • Obscurely, perhaps, this slightly left-field nomination brought to mind Sir William Carr, the erstwhile chairman of the sometime Red Top News of the World.

        I knew a chap who shall remain nameless at College. He was from a scion of the illustrious Carr family dynasty; he was also one of many drinking companions. Although never “bezzie mates”, he once confided in me about Sir William being known in the family as “pissing Billy” due to his mutual “penchant for the sauce” and its regrettable ramifications.

        Fortunately, I have never shared Sir William’s infamous involuntary micturition; enuresis has happily not been an affliction – so far. I have however referred to Carr’s Table Water biscuits, to which I am quite partial, as “Pissing Billies” ever since.

  16. And here’s me thinking it was just me…I can still piss fairly well, but when it comes to blurting I’m pathetic, can’t even reach my own navel – never mind accidentally shooting myself in the eye like I did when I was a teenager…

  17. I’ve yet to have this but have had the morning sensation I like to call the phantom piss. You go forever, there can be nothing left then 10 mins later the sensation appears again but there’s nothing there when you get there.

  18. Thomas: I’ll wager that if it was a stunning 25 year old bird you were ploughing, then you would be “going off” like a Jackson Pollock paint bucket👍

    (Also: how often? The days of 4-5 times a day are a mere dream for most men, post 40-50.)
    😢

  19. Always get a checkup. Last time he put two fingers up my shitter and I asked what the F*&%K that’s for? He said, ‘instant second opinion’.

    Anyway it’s true, the pipes will go rusty if they are not given a good flush out which sadly most post menopausal women don’t understand. Lot’s of nasty s can grow there and make troubles. Better regularly flush the pipes.

    Pissing is ok for me but it’s that last drip that annoys me.

  20. Bloke has his prostate check and doctor leaves the room. Nurse comes in and says “,Who the fuck was that?”

  21. Went through a horrendous patch after Mrs Fugly got over exited and nearly snapped mine in half, it was a nitemare, ended up in hospital to have a thing that looked like a cross between a golf tee and a step drill jammed down the old cock nostril [fuck me the most painfull experience of my life] then a catheter, then a spell where taking a piss was like having 3 feet of barbed wire pulled out of my now battered sausage, [ so you avoid drinking, pee gets so acidic i could melt plastic and stings like fire] and now you have to shove metal rods down the hot dog like a bbq skewer to keep the tube open, not fucking recommended.
    Getting older is a bastard, aches and pains and whatnot, at least i can still throw a leg over the motorbike, but one day when i cant manage that i will have to consider a fucking Harley or harry-karry, the latter sounds better to me ……

  22. I suffered from pissy pants
    Waking up in the morning with dampness in the nether regions
    It was only when working one day in an enclosed small space my nephew remarked “there’s an awful smell of piss in here”
    I gave up the booze after that realizing I was a piss head
    My leaky valve seems to have sealed and the pile on my arsehole that had enlarged to vagina size has disappeared.
    I know longer have to shower daily
    Once a week bath time , it’s like the old days 😉
    Tomato’s contain a certain acid that helps keep the prostrate lubricated and clean
    I still get pissed but only occasionally and I certainly get that old feeling of pissing through the eye of a needle when I wake up after a session

  23. This nom inspired me to look up the NHS treatment for enlarged prostate. Two of the strategies sound like going back to being a baby:

    1)Wearing urinary sheaths.. to help with dribbling or wearing absorbent pads.

    2) Bladder training and recording your pees – you’ll be given a target, such as waiting at least 2 hours between each time you pee.

    The only good thing I read was that they can give you drugs to reduce the size of your prostate. If I was a chap, then I’d want the drugs.

  24. Well, thanks for all the responses, chaps! As I’m 50 next year, I’m planning to pay for a private personal health MOT anyway. Hopefully then, I’ll get a fit nurse popping her fingers up my balloon knot.

  25. Taking a shit is my problem, as sometimes my arse can’t be bothered to propel the last third of the turd out, and it hangs there like a homesick otter, and I have to use the cigar cutter, making a mess of my towel holder. Two thirds of a roll of Aldi’s finest and I’m kept wondering if I’m a fucking crayon.

  26. Morning all.
    When you get to a certain age, the prostate can really start to act the cunt. Had to get mine checked out with a biopsy a couple of years ago. Mercifully got the all clear, but I’d say to any cunter on here, if you’re experiencing the aforementioned symptoms, it’s better to get checked out sooner rather than be sorry later. Peace of mind is worth any temporary discomfort that a fun day out at the hospital brings.

  27. Growing old is a can if can’t to some but I don’t mind it. Pace of life is slower but I do keep active. Nothing too vigorous. Most things are the same but done a bit more gently no rushing.
    I remember in my youth everything was fast fast,
    As time went on I became more relaxed and not worried what others thought.
    In the race of life I used to be the hare in my youth but I enjoy being the tortoise.
    As my uncle Rastus Chickpea Jones would say, ‘Relax mahhn. Let others worry about demselves’,

  28. A bit of advice to you allYou could all no doubt do with a better toilet experience all round. Something to bring a smile to your face once again
    You are all probably slouchers in the taking a shit department,with hands placed firmly on your knees and leaning forward a tad.
    To improve on things immeasurably during shitting operations, try looking up at the ceiling and leaning back.
    What a difference it can make to the passing of solids. But be careful not to piss through the crack between seat and pan.
    Enjoy…

  29. Gentlemen – if you’re of that age where your rumpy pumpy days are largely behind you, then see if you can step up your masturbation rate. DIY has become more popular during lockdown.
    If you can hit an R number between 0.9 and 1.1, then you can ease the symptoms of a swollen prostate( still a need to be checked out though)
    This directs protein wastes away from your body. It will ease but not cure a swollen prostate. Think about it. Who would you rather empty your waste tank?
    Yourself or a GP resembling Flabbott’s moma?

    • Masturbation is a Sin…God doesn’t like Wankers and won’t let the hairy-handed miscreants into Heaven…I don’t expect I’ll see any other “..isaCunt” members when I eventually get my angel-wings….you’ll all be judged on your self-abuse habits and be found wanting.

      Afternoon,Bertie.

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