Pissing In Middle Age

Posted on by

 

I’m now on some sort of register for having to Google search for people pissing.

Pissing in middle-age is a total cunt.

A mere 9 years ago when I was 40, I was pissing like a racehorse as soon as my helmet was free of my undies and now, despite really needing a slash, I have to wait 20-30 seconds before the first pathetic dribble appears, increasing to a full ‘torrent’, which is about as vigorous as lumpy gravy strained through an old sock.

And wanking? What the fuck is up with wanking?
20 years ago I used to shoot my toxic jizz a country mile and regularly managed to land some in a bird’s hair.
But now?
Jesus wept, it ‘erupts’ with all the force of dripping thick porridge off the edge of a cold spoon.

Getting older sucks. But I’m sure in another 10 years as I rocket towards 60/the grave, I’ll get my second wind and will be flinging bodily fluids around with gay abandon.
Right, slightly elderly cunters?!

Nominated by: Thomas the Cunt Engine

Seconded by: Hard Brexit Cunt

I second your nomination as I know how you feel. I once shot my load in my own mouth but now struggle to squirt my man milk past my belly button.

My first piss in the morning is miserable. It comes out in dribs and drabs and not where I am aiming. Gone are the days when my piss went in all directions after a great night’s shag.

62 thoughts on “Pissing In Middle Age”

  1. I get up sometimes 4 times in the night and its dribbling like a leaking tap. Until I was put on these tablets that turn the clock back 20 years.
    I listened to my son pissing the other night , I thought he was running a bath. Was I ever like that ?

  2. Sirs:

    The worst part of the colonoscopy was drinking the depth charges the night before. Every 10 minutes I had to Sprint to the can. Shaved a couple seconds off my time though. Pro tip: Don’t try this in socks. Traction is essential. Also ditch the belt.

    • I agree. The bowel prep, together with feeling as thirsty as fuck and ravenously hungry is 100 times worse than the procedure .
      The drugs that they inject into your arm are marvellous. You feel no pain and can’t remember a fucking thing.
      Having said that, I was somewhat taken aback when,12 hours later I noticed a condom hanging out of my hoop.

  3. Usually have two large mugs of tea (no sugars) at around 9-10pm and best part of a pint of water just after I have brushed my teeth before going to bed.

    Very rarely do I have to get up for a slash during the night.

    Remember about 10 years ago when returning from Japan back to the U.K., no slashes the morning of the flight, during the flight nor the two hour drive home back to Suffolk.

  4. Reading all these posts about the frailties of the human body convinces me that animals’ plumbing is designed to be far more efficient. My cat hasn’t used her litter tray in two years, she does it all outside to mark her territory, and when the weather’s been bad she’s gone as long as a day and a half without having a piss.
    They roll around in all the muck and dirt and then lick it off and swallow it. If we did that it would fucking kill us.

  5. Growing old isn’t for softies God knows how the millennial generation will cope.
    The main thing is to have plenty of memories in the wank bank to see you through your old age.

  6. I hate it when you’ve had a piss in the middle of the night, shook the drops off like a maniac but when you get back in bed the piss starts leaking down your leg. As you say in the nom, when pulling the pud when you were young, the jizz bolt could put someone’s eye out. Now it comes out like it’s a chore. Saying that though the diamond cutter I get looking at Jennifer Lawrence would put an 18 year old to shame.

  7. Well the wanking thing is quite helpful, I thought it was only me, I was expecting a dairy lea triangle to pop out next.
    At this point I would like to say that I do not regularly wank and only had an experimental one for scientific reasons.

  8. Approaching my mid 60s I’m drinking plenty of water before bedtime. It means a few nocturnals to the shithouse but it also promotes a healthy stool after morning coffee and whatever (toast, pastry etc). Growing old definitely has it’s challenges. I’m finding the unknowns Re. future health and wellbeing to be among the greatest. But fuck it, I’d still rather be here and having a go than otherwise.
    “Lockdown” (dread term) here in Sydders, Australia at the mo. The weekend is just starting so I’ll continue with a few home renos. I’ve not commented for some time here, although I always look in for a laugh. Head down arse up work-wise.
    Hope you’re all well. Keep having a crack at life, and don’t let the overlord media cunce convince you of any-bloody-thing.

  9. I’m all seriousness, if you are having trouble pissing, get your prostrate checked.

    I know four people who got prostate cancer in their 50s – three survived it but one had it diagnosed late on and died from it.

    Get your doc to get his (or her!) rubber gloves out😁

  11. There must be a medical reason for this. If I drink diet coke during the day I have to go for a pee after an hour which is inconvenient if driving. I prefer to drink Robinson’s Orange Juice which keeps my hydrated but less likely to need to go to the toilet. When I was 18 I could go 5 hours without having a pee. In my mid 40s I have to go to the toilet about 4am but less if I drink lemon tea 1 hour before bed.

    If I have a pint of beer after my dinner on a Saturday I can go an hour without a pee but then I’m pissing like a Clydesdale twice. Sometimes I get dribbles then a good long piss 20 minutes later. I don’t want prostate problems. Has anyone invented a robotic prostate gland?

  12. I had a terrible 15 year problem with getting an erection, I cured it by getting a new women.

Comments are closed.