Insect Bites

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Went out for a walk yesterday evening after sunset, just now noticed five large red lumps on the back of my leg, itching like fuck.

Even more annoying is their ability to produce five bites in an exact straight line, as if they used a midge sized ruler.

Fortunately I have plenty of TCP. Bastard midges, or whatever they were.

Nominated by: mystic maven 

and this from Cuntologist

May I second this?

Woke up with 12 bites up and down both legs, made for a very uncomfortable day and my legs look like they have leprosy.

Some of those bites swelled like balloons (albeit tiny balloons made by The Borrowers.) Brought out the Jungle Formula; seems to repel the little bastards. Rubbing alcohol works on the itching, perfume will do as well.

And a third, from The Big Chunky Cunty

Thirded

Fucking biting black flies in the park. If I stand still it takes about 15 seconds for a mass of black flies to come out of nowhere and blitzkrieg my shins and triceps, stabbing me up good. Absolutely relentless little cunts.

I swear I was never appetizing to the bastards years ago.

(Black Flies Matter – Day Admin)

 

And a fourth, this time from Dick Dribbler

Admin, if you’re going to run this nom you might want to consider adding the link below (same story running on many local rags). As we’re in peak horsefly season they are probably to blame for Mystic Maven’s nibbled leg.

Nasty Horsefly Bites

and there’s more, this time from Merlin’s Droopy Sleeve

So-called “Fruit” Flies

Hello cunters! I would like to draw your attention to these little bastards.

Once upon a long ago, these flies used to just land on (and also squeeze a little fly dump on) your fruit – especially bananas. They were a bit of a pain in the arse – nowhere near as bad as your average wasp, but still annoying.

Well not anymore, now they land on anything they can fucking find: empty beer bottles that still smell of beer, teacups, empty pot noodle pots, full dustbin bags – basically anything that smells like food or drink. Occasionally they remember that they are supposed to like fruit too and actually land on a banana once in a while.

Since they are not just after fruit anymore their original name is out-of-date, I think it should be changed to something more appropriate. I have started calling them Pita Flies: PITA stands for “pain in the arse”. Or as a homage to ISaC, I guess I could call them Cuntflies.

72 thoughts on “Insect Bites”

  1. All flies are cunts.
    Fruit flies
    Horse flies
    Superfly
    Blue bottles.
    No time for the dirty wee cunts.
    Horse fly bits can go gamy.
    Swell up, because they dont clean their teeth after snacking on horse shite.
    Jeff Goldblum has 50 fly DNA.
    Been that way since he was just a maggot.

    • I dont go abroad any more.
      1) I despise foreigners
      2) I despise foreign food
      3) its to hot
      4) im a mozzy magnet.

      Dunno why but the little Dracula fuckers love my blood,
      Missus and kids hardly bitten.
      Me? Lost about 5 pints of blood.
      Probably got superior blood?
      Like a fine vintage,
      Rhesus plasma champagne.
      Little bastards.

    • Those greenbottles are also dirty cunts. The metallic green looking fuckers that hover around wheelie bins and dog turds. And the common black housefly (smaller than a bluebottle) are fucks. The fly spray I had merely dazed the housefly (whereas the ‘blueys’ would spaz about and die), so I found an alternate spray called Tox and it kills the houseflies stone dead. Nippon spray is also a good fly killer.

      Bono also became The Fly in 1991. One of their better tracks actually. And it did knock that Satan’s Fart , Everything I Do by Bryan Adams off the number one spot after fucking ages. So, U2 aren’t all bad.😉

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HDPenYIPtg

      • Once while jogging on a bright summers day, I thought I could see a dazzling emerald just up ahead on the path.

        Turned out to be a dog link covered in dozens of green bottle flies.

  2. There’s a nice country lane/footpath right near where we live. But if you stand still for a second those horsefly cunts will be on you. I once felt a sting on my arm, and I saw the little cunt sucking blood out of me. I killed the vicious little fucker and a tiny pinhead sized gush of blood spurted out of me where the horsefly had been feasting.

    The Dragonflies never bother you and neither do the butterflies or the bees. But horseflies and fruitflies are fucking mithering nasty little cunts. One night, I also once felt like my leg had been cut with a razor, that’s what it felt like. Then I checked and there was a strange looking white blob there but no blood at all. Turns out an orange wasp or hornet thing had got into the bed. The day after I saw it on the curtains and I took my shoe off and twatted the shit out of it. ‘Sting that, you fucking cunt!’

    I still have the wasp/hornet sting mark on my right leg. Fucking bastard.

    • I took a swig out of a can of lemonade I had opened while out in the garden and some cunting wasp had crawled inside the ring pull. Stung me right on the fucking tongue which meant I was talking like Harvey Price for a day or two but (painful) lesson learned.

  3. Mystic
    Cuntologist@

    Have you had any clothing from the Salvation army?
    It might just be flea bites?
    😀

  4. I’ve been bitten and stung by just about every type of British insect over the years…midges,cleggs,bees,wasps,spiders etc…even found a well-fed tick attached to my nutsack one night when I was in the bath.

    Best I remember though was knocking over a rotten tree stump containing a wasp’s-nest when I was a child….I kicked it over towards my brother and ran like fuck before he realised what I’d done….he was stung to fuck…the memory of his howls still brings a warm glow.

    • I had to take a tick out my hubby’s arse the other day. This living in the country is not for the light hearted. Urban snowflake free zone in the main though I saw one visit the other day – it was out walking dressed in shorts, vest and trainers; got bitten by a horse fly.

      • I’ve got to watch out for fucking adders at the moment…my newest hound hasn’t come across them before and I’m just waiting for him to get bitten.
        Nasty fucking things.

        Afternoon,Cuntologist
        Afternoon,All.

    • My brother “accidentally fell” off a wall into a wasp’s nest in the neighbouring garden. He was six, I was thirteen.

      Gave me fits! 😁

    • I watched this television programme about an American that had gone on holiday to South America and then went back home.

      Not long after he’d got home, he started having terrible pains in his under carriage and when he finally went to the Dr. found out he had larvae of a certain type of fly that had burrowed into his scrotum.

      I’m never going to South America.

      Sleep well everyone 😈

  5. Had a very bad day at the allotment about a month ago.

    Several cunt Eastern European families have now got plots within earshot of my own. By that I mean two or three hundred yards away. Part of the reason I got my own growing space (250 square yards) was to escape from people generally and to be on my own. In quietness, peace and tranquility.

    One of the cunts started a bonfire right next to the railway line- which is a breach of the rules- several years ago the trains which run alongside were cancelled because of smoke on the line.

    After experiencing piss poor water pressure yet again with which to refresh my crops, whilst weeding I was attacked by a seemingly large number of insects- always going for the face. Over 300 plots at the allotment and the cuntish insects decided to descend on me and ruin what was already a disappointing day.

    After shouting “fuck off cunts” many times, I had enough and decided to return home.

    • Occurs to me that’s an odd size for an allotment WS. they are normally 10 square poles which is of course 302.5 square yards. 250 yards is a bit over 8 square poles. Just saying.

      • 25m x 10m Arfurbrain. Measured it with a tape measure.

        Some are smaller but none larger I think.

        Plenty big enough for me, takes me two full days to weed it by hand.

        All for £49 a year.

    • Know what you mean WS, allotments are nice and cheap but they’re bloody hard work. My wife had one for a few years until one of her hips gave out. She’s got a metal one now, hip that is. By the way, 250 square metres equates to 299 square yards so it sounds like you have a standard 10 pole plot. Apologies for being a nerd. Anyway, enjoy the allotment and the really fresh produce; I miss diigging it out of the ground, taking it home and eating it the same day.

  6. Some fucking beetle thing fell out of a tree and latched onto my arm.
    It had big pincers so I knocked Fuck out of it.
    Tough black bugger it was.
    Arm swelled up like a bastard.
    I wrote to Cuntryfile about but never heard back.
    Wankers.

    • One flew into my kitchen the other day.
      A big black fucker with a bright yellow head and what looked like a pair of antlers.
      I caught it with a piece of kitchen roll.
      When I folded the bastard in half it was like cracking a nut.

  7. Stay out of the highlands this time if year. Holy fuck the midges are huge and leave massive lumps on you. Skeeter repellant is a must or better still say home.
    I’ve been infested by flying ants. I had to get out the old Raid. It’s nasty stuff but it kills the fuckers pdq.

    • Flies are the only living thing that I kill on purpose.

      They always get two or three verbal warnings, only then do I apply the Raid.

      Got a nasty bite a few weeks ago, and a bumpy rash appeared on my left hand. Itchy as fuck.

      Contacted the doctor by phone- receptionist told me to fuck off and see a pharmacist. Of course Indian- who wanted me to buy some stuff for about a tenner. Tool some cheap antihistamine, which did the trick.

  8. I guess that some people just attract the little fuckers.
    I often see people with their legs covered in bites.
    It can’t be pleasant.

    I think that a diet high in beer and Benson & Hedges is a good repellent as I rarely get bitten.

    It’s strange that whenever you see a programme on the telly where they are in a jungle or rain forest, that the presenters always wear shorts.
    It may be OK for the locals who have some immunity, but putting that amount of skin on offer is fucking stupid.

  9. Whenever ex-pats start getting bragging about living abroad, I always imagine the fuckers being stung daily by mozzies or horse flies. Thank fuck we don’t live in a hot climate.

    • Mostly just mozzies, not that many of em but they do bring gifts like malaria.

      I have to wear shorts longs just get too fricking hot.

      Always getting a bollocking from the OHS guy who is deaf to the words “heat stroke”. Wanker

  10. I was once bitten by horse flies on the thigh and calf on the other leg. Don’t know if I was a cunt or it was bad luck. Next day my legs made the elephant man’s look normal…….. Life’s rich tapestry.

  11. For years there has been a rumour that people in London have reported seeing a giant butterfly.
    Probably just an urban moth….

  12. Since moving to the Lake District a couple of years ago, I have had to face to:-
    horseflies
    wasps
    bees
    flies
    dragonflies
    hornets
    jelly fish
    adders
    grass snakes
    gnats

    Haven’t been bit by any of them, but its only a matter of time.

    • Jesus Techno, its not Jurassic park!
      Thats normal buglife.
      Although know a bloke who had a bad reaction to a spider bite,
      His forearm was like Popeye’s!
      Had to go to hospital.

      Ps
      ALL spiders can bite🕸️

      • Could be worse I suppose: could be living on Oz, and they have some right vicious, sneaky, poisonous, venomous bastards over there.

        And the insects aren’t very pleasant either.

      • Yeah, id be a nervous fuckin wreck in Aussie.
        Everything is murderous.
        Cute little kitten?
        Probably spits fuckin acid in your face.
        But its the crocs that scare me.
        Fuck that.
        True fact,
        In WW2 they used Black Widow spider silk to make the cross hairs in gun sights.

  13. I thought someone had nominated my ex wife’s tits but this is about other annoying waspish creatures not her or her tits.

    I like insects on the whole, but the annoying biting cunts can fuck off. Every time I go to the dales on what passes for a summers day there the little cunts try and eat me.

    Cunting totally applauded.

  14. My cat likes to practice attack strategies on my feet and hands and thinks it’s great fun to wake me up in the morning by putting one claw into my chin, the point being I have many little holes in my skin but none cause by insects.

    Many years ago whilst visiting the Greek isles I was told that plenty of garlic repels the mosquitoes, maybe it works but eating plenty of Tzatziki didn’t make me invulnerable to the little cunts.

    • Had the same cat problem recently, so I clipped the sharp tip off each of the little fuckers claws. The cat still tries to kill me but the claws don’t penetrate.

  15. Last week, as we got some decent weather, the flying ants turned up. They don’t bite, but there is fucking loads of them and they are everywhere. They crawl all over the ground and then take off and land on whoever is out there at the time. I recall Wimbledon being halted once, as the cunts were on the grass, on the equipment, on the players, and even on the TV cameras. The horrible little frigs turned up at our place last week. So I made a lethal solution out of bleach, weedkiller, fairy liquid and parafin. I filled one of them water guns with it and sprayed the shite of them before most of them took off. A small few survived, but my size 12s took care of them pretty quickly. Flying ants are mega super deluxe cunts.

  16. No-one has yet mentioned thunderbugs (Scots: corn lice). Theses start getting pestilential about harvest time (now onward), bite like midges but are little long cunts and the bites itch like fuck.
    Oh and if anyone thinks only honeybees sting, you’re wrong. Bumblebees do too, but they’re just less stroppy. One got me last year. Positive ident as the crushed remains fell out of my sleeve, up which the cunt had crawled. Further handy hint: never use a strimmer anywhere near beehives.

    • On the other hand, bumblebees can sting multiple times, unlike honeybees.

      Also, only female bumblebees can sting, so rejoice at that news and congratulate our forces and the marines.

      • Only the gender-neutral workers. The queens (pronoun: Ma’am) use their ovipositors as God intended. There’s a moral there, or possibly an analogy.

      • I remember that lot. A rarity, as they actually played their instruments. I wouldn’t have minded a couple of them playing mine back in the day.

      • That’s a blast from the past. I do remember that.

        I used to like Hepburn. I thought the lead singer and bass player were hot.

  17. Top tip,
    Wasps are allergic to syrup.
    If your scared of wasps or allergic to the stings,
    Coat yourself liberally with Tate&Lyles finest!
    Treacle also works.
    If your not wealthy enough to afford syrup,
    Jam works also
    Just shake the tree the nests in maybe gently wake them with a few taps on the nest with a stick and theyll up and leave.

      • Steve Earwig?
        Kinda.
        but im not Downs!

        Hey, true story.
        Years ago as a young fella (18/19yr?) Id been to a free festival to see Hawkwind down near Bristol.
        Hungover and skint I hitchhiked back northwards.
        It got late and I got tired,
        No one stopping to give me a lift in the dark,
        I decided to get a bit of kip and start out early morning.
        I was at a service station and there was some woods behind it, so kipped in the woods.
        In the morning I woke up itching,
        Covered in fuckin earwigs!!!

      • Hawkwind MNC.

        That’s a blast from the past.

        Seen them a few times back in the early to mid seventies.

        Lemmy was more or less unknown back than.

        I was completely battered most of the time on tabs and shrooms.

        Remember that 6 foot bird they always had dancing around on the stage,- I think her name was Stacia?

      • Evening Dickvandyke!
        Yeah,..Stacia.
        Proper pair on her eh?
        Last time I saw Hawkwind they had Crazy Arthur Brown on stage as a special guest.

  18. Maybugs are a pain, as they just delight in swarming and dive-bombing, but I don’t think I’ve ever been bitten by one. Horse flies, however, are an abomination; got bitten several times when living in Switzerland, during a period when might time temp was never below 28. The bites, just two of them, itched like fuck, and really swelled up, left calf oozing liquor endlessly.

  19. Red ants are utter cunts.
    Loads down at my allotment.
    Always manage to get bitten by them, and they have an amazing knack of getting up my shorts and biting my nether regions.
    Got bitten on the leg the other day by a bug which looked like an earwig.
    Do they bite or is it some bastard thing similar?

  20. Some years back I was in my Indiana Jones period and working in the South American jungle (some savage fucking insects there by the way!). One evening I arrived in camp by boat with two compadres after evening meal, so I knocked up a quick garlic omelette (food being pretty basic) for the three of us. We spent the night, along with about ten others, sleeping on a pontoon moored on the river. In the morning we were the only three on board who hadn’t been bitten by bats, yer actual vampire bats that is. Garlic you see, they don’t like it.
    I did subsequently get bitten on two occasions by Cristopher Lee’s distant furry flying cousins, which was a bit of a worry viz rabies, but apart from the occasional frothing at the mouth I think I got away with it.

  21. Being a non-whinging about bites and stings sort of bloke, I didn’t moan about getting a whole bunch of mozzie bites a couple of weeks back and then dismissed it when my whole arm went hot and infected.
    Lesson learned though: the pain was so great I actually went to A&E and had to spend a day and night in hospital on an antibiotic drip.
    Mozzies and muzzies: both species of cunt.

  22. Being a non-whinging about bites and stings sort of bloke, I didn’t moan about getting a whole bunch of mozzie bites a couple of weeks back and then dismissed it when my whole arm went hot and infected.
    Lesson learned though: the pain was so great I actually went to A&E and had to spend a day and night in hospital on an antibiotic drip.
    Mozzies and mużzīes: both species of cunt

    • Evening mr Cuntengine.
      Hope your well?
      Mozzies love me, but im a married man.
      I even got bit in Amsterdam,
      My arm swelled up, and once drained of gunk has left a small scar.
      Bet it was stoned as fuck for few days😀

    • While on a fishing trip to Potatoland in 1988, me and my dad stopped at a little shop in Cong, Co. Mayo. The shop window was filled with wasps. Scores of them, alive and dead. The Mick who owned the shop didn’t seem bothered. But fuck knows what the wasps were after in there. It was the dirtiest little shithole, and it sold snowglobes of Ronald Reagan, JFK, and Pope John Paul II. It was like the local shop from The League of Gentlemen and to this day I don’t know how or why there were so many unchecked and loose wasps in there.

  25. What the fuck are these insects multiple biting in a straight line? I noticed five on my leg yesterday, red as fuck they were with raised hard scabs? I never felt a thing.

    Now guess what? Tonight, I notice that there is another fucking line of four parallel about 5/6 mm away? Once again I never felt a thing. WTF is going on?

  26. I never used to get bitten by anything. My fucking legs last week looked atrocious. I blame Climate Change. Greta.

  28. While working in the middle east, one of our works crew got stung by what the locals called ‘the eastern wasp’.

    Turns out it was one of those 2″ long, very agressive hornets that have turned up here in the last couple of years.

    Poor fucker spent two weeks in hospital on painkillers and antibiotics with his arm looking like it was about to burst and fingers that resembled Walls sausages.

  29. Cunt Mozzies, the sound of them little fuckers sends me into a controlled state of panic, i have a new born fear of the misery them high pitched bastards can do to me.
    After getting stabbed by them little fuckers, more than 40 times in one sitting, with nothing in the house to help with reducing the itching, that was slowly but surely turning me into a demented psychopath on pcp.
    I went against all sound advice and started scratching the yellow headed lumps forming, claret was present and the nightmare continued.
    So as the evening progressed, the count grew as the earlier totals of the damage the cunts of Dracula had set about me with grew, I searched for anything to help with controlling the insanity.
    Then I spotted the pump bottle of hand sanitiser, 70% alcohol it stated. So fuck it I scratched the forever sealing heads of the incisions into my arteries, and splashed the sanitiser on, like henry cooper applying Brut aftershave.
    Fuck me what the fuck, I dunno if any of the other cunts that have been molested have tried this, but be warned it fucking smarts, not a little bit, a lot like when I told a former fuck buddy I wanted hot sex, that she provided by pouring Tabasco sauce down me Jap’s eye, but thats another translation mistake.
    So after reciting the extended four letter dictionary of the cunter’s dictionary and variations loudly for about 3 minutes, all the madness disappeared, like the bottle also contained a spirit from a higher power.
    This remedy, is not for the faint or limp wrist olympian rear back flip quick dip babbling types. you gonna need to grit your teeth before you commit.
    But it did stop all the itching, with almost immediate effect after the initial spasm, and the welts usually left disappeared in about a 1/3 of the normal time.
    Best part is, you can buy in anywhere fo a couple of quid, and not have to have a chat with the dolly at the chemist shop, thats not gonna relieve you of a desire to shag her, but the best part of a 20 spot.

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