Spiders (2)

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(It was a toss up between using this spider for the header pic, or Anneliese Dodds. But I felt the latter would be too much to bear for an early morning nom – DA)

I saw it this morning. A huge Arachnid squatting on my living room wall waiting to jump into my hair or fall into my mouth while I was having a doze.  I immediately ran away, too scared to tackle the ferocious beast.

The living room is now off limits to me until I can be certain my wife has hunted down and killed it. Yes, to my shame, when it comes to spiders my wife is the man of the house.

Not only do spiders invade our homes but they reduce grown men such as myself to jelly so that I have to wait for my wife to save me.

How embarrassing.

Spiders are cunts.

Nominated by: Marvellous Mechanical Cunting Machine 

85 thoughts on “Spiders (2)”

  1. Remind the spider it owes you a fiver – you’ll never see the fker again! 😀
    Right, time for a bike ride

  2. Admin – that picture is already giving me nightmares and I have only just woken up. I would have preferred Dodds. At least she only has two legs.

    • I like spiders.
      They kill flies, are hard working,
      And have panache.
      Theres a big one that every evening walks through the living room into the kitchen then back again, (fixing a snack?)
      Theyre harmless.
      Not keen on pakistanis though.

  3. Man the fuck up you cunt. Have you ever thought how fucking big we look to spiders? Get a shoe and smash the fucker or leave the cunt alone and it will fuck off. I NEVER kill them mind cos they eat flies and mozzies but catching them can be a cunt especially if it’s a Huntsman and i’ve had a couple of beers.
    Bit of advice for you mate, never move to Australia….

    • I don’t plan on it. Although I like Australia and had a fantastic trip when I visited. I’m not a cunt. Fuck off. And I’m a man about everything else – except fucking spiders.

  5. Admin:

    Spiders vs Anal-ease Dodds.

    -Both spin webs of deceit

    -Both have the ability to reduce grown men to tears

    -Hairy legs

    -One catches flies, one attracts them

    -Spiders are 4x better at doing the “hokey-Cokey”

    -Anal-ease more likely to fill a glass*

    *i bet MMCM would tackle a spider after 3 pints. He would need 8 pints to tackle Anal-ease😢
    And feel dirtier afterwards…

    Etc, etc

    • One serves a useful purpose and are harmless, the other is a complete waste of space and would be very dangerous to our fiscal health if ever allowed to run anything.

  6. Looking at the header photo, we now know the inspiration for “Rocky” from “Mask”
    Cher must have been inspired by the Easter Island statues😚

  7. Does your wife also remove those really tight lids from jars for you?

    You sir, are a disgrace.

    • No. I can do that no problem. I can face up to anything. Except spiders.

  8. Magnificent creatures.

    I don’t mind having them in the house at all and watching the little cunts construct a web is one of nature’s wonders.

    I certainly prefer them to flies and most homo sapiens.

    Good Morning

    • They are amazing I admire and respect them but by fuck do they give me the willies

      • “It’s only spiders.”
        Exactly – that’s what everyone keeps saying!
        I think you’re developing a complex about them now.

  10. Anneliese Dodds looks far more like a fucking scarecrow than a spider for my money .
    Personally I’m not keen on spiders or insects in general as I’m never sure what the little fuckers can do , sure dogs can bite you , snakes too but at least your aware of their potential and take sensible precautions to limit that happening, tiny little stingy poisonous cunts can get you anytime, we’re lucky in Blighty as dangerous creatures are few and far between I’ve been to Australia and other countries where that is certainly not the case……..

  12. Well I’ve seen some pretty shameful admissions on here over the years…rambling, “Uni” degrees,pushbiking,mobile-home ownership,an “appreciation of The Arts” are just some of the horrors that spring to mind…but a grown man getting his wife to tackle a house-spider takes the biscuit.

    The ignominy of it all,MMCM….although I,of course, wouldn’t dream of telling the odd “white lie” in this case I may well have broken the rule of a lifetime…..Now,who wants to hear about the time I was stuck up the Orinoco in a cavern containing priceless relics from the Mayan civilisation that was guarded by giant tarantulas who had been genetically fiddled with by visitors from the future?

    • No thanks Dick. I look forward to the book though.

      If I see a spider my heart starts racing. I become quite ill. Even dizzy. There’s nothing else that has this effect on me. A grizzly bear – no problem, bring it on. Other insects – ok, but I’m not keen. But spiders! No way. It’s a psychosomatic reaction. Very weird.

      • I’m frightened of rats…fucking petrified..went into the chicken coop to gather a few eggs and touched a rat when I poked my hand into a nesting-box…screamed like a Nun getting touched up by a Rabbi…ended up demolishing the coop when I tried to move it with the tractor to let the hounds get in at the burrows underneath..fucking thing had tiny little metal rusted-up wheels and hadn’t been moved in years.

        Think we all have that one phobia that we can’t get over.

        Morning,MNC
        Morning,All

      • Mice…no bother..bur rats?…no fucking way….it’s the tail that does it…fucking cringing just thinking about it.

      • Fiddler@
        I hate rats too.
        Not a phobia just hatred of the dirty fuckers.
        I have a bird table (hand carved,artisan made by craftmen obviously) and theyve sussed it out.
        Theres thick Buddleia bushes then grass land nearby and theyre seeking in for a free meal.
        Im going to rain down death and destruction on them.
        😡😡

      • They are using my modest shooting-lodge..Alnwick Castle..as a location for the new Indiana Jones film…a scene of a geriatric “Indy” attempting to get his cripple-chariot up the disabled ramp into the gift shop in order to buy some Werther’s Originals,a cardy with leather elbow patches and a set of driving gloves apparently.

    • Gentlemen:

      I will come and destroy your spiders, rats, etc, etc-in exchange for giving me free reign in your Cellars / Single malt collections👍

  13. Lady Creampuff is arachnophobic. Spiders are cool, hut hur…

    Morning all!

    • These cunts know if you are arachnophobic, Ruff. They can sense it and their behaviour becomes more outrageous as a result. I had one spider chase me once. Wherever I moved to dodge it, it followed me and ended up charging at me. Little fucker. My wife got that one as well.

      • Did not the WHO release an album with a song “Boris the Spider”
        “Creey Crawley…” Came to a sticky end I belive…
        Boris eh? How Prophetic.

  14. I used to be a complete Wendy with spiders till I got married. Problem was, the missus was a bigger Wendy than me so some fucker had to deal with them. When the kids came along, they developed arachnophobia too, so it still fell to me to deal with the eight legged fuckers. In that situation I had to learn to get over it I suppose, but I’m still not overly keen if they’re big bastards.

  15. All spiders are venomous and can bite.
    Some more venomous than others, Australia being the best for toxic wallcrawlers.
    Apparently we all swallow the occasional spider when sleeping!!

    Hope this sets your mind at rest MMCM.😀🕸️🕷️🕷️

    • I’ve heard that before MNC. It gives me no comfort. Of course I’m not proud of my aracnaphobia. It’s a real cunt. But spiders make my skin crawl. My cousin has aracnaphobia as well. He undertook hypnosis. For a while he was better. Than it came back. Now he’s worse than he used to be.

      • MMCM@
        Did your mum have arachnophobia?
        I think it might be a ‘learned’ phobia,
        Where as toddlers we pick up a fear of something by the reaction of parents to something?
        A survival mechanism,
        Dont pick up snakes
        Dont eat brightly coloured berries & toadstools etc

      • Conditioning Mis👍

        Fortunately my Mum hates “cunts”, politicians and lying fuckers👍

      • Yes my mum had it in spades. Could well be Inherited from her. My dad wasn’t keen but could get rid of them. My mum swears she saw a huge spider on the carpet once. She panicked and through a large plastic bowl over it. Gradually the bowl started to creep towards her. She swore this was true.

      • That card reminds me of the scene in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall where Annie calls him around in the middle of the night to get rid of a spider. The spider near ended up defeating him. Very funny scene in a very funny movie.

  17. I have one over my wife though. She’s shit scared of snakes. They don’t bother me at all and I’ve held a few in a zoo, no problem. Unfortunately snakes never invade our house.

  18. MMCM:
    Get yourself an air rifle that works in compressed air-a (no pellet) blast of air from 2-3 feet away turns pedky insects/wasps/eight leggers into artwork that Jackson Pollock would be proud of👍

    • I’ve got an air rifle. Sounds a bit messy though and will also damage the wall.

      However since last week I have armed myself to the teeth with the latest anti-spider technology.

      A spray which freezes the little fuckers and makes them drop of the wall dead. And a sort of long stick with a type of grabber at the end for removing them.

      All I need is a protective suit, like an astronauts kit, to protect me.

    • CG@
      A jittery MMCM carrying a pistol around because of spiders isnt going to end well.
      A arms race against the insect world!!
      Im calling for a ceasefire!!
      Cooler heads needed here,
      Not calls for war from ISACs answer to Chuck Heston.

      • It won’t end well MNC. One of the symptoms of aracnaphobia is seeing spiders everywhere. I can see one out of the corner my eye, I can feel the panic rising, only to realise it’s a light fixture on the ceiling or even Mrs Cunting Machine. I’d be shooting left, right and centre, 24/7. The house would be a wreck.

    • “I’ve got an air rifle.”
      Caveat: If it’s a spring-piston gun, firing it without a pellet will wreck it in short order.

      • No it’s a compressed air one that I’ve had since I was a kid. BSA I think. It’s only ever been used on tin cans.

      • Ideal, MMC. I had a Webley PCP once and it was fucking useless for rabbits, but it would have been ok for spiders.

  19. Spiders are cool, no fear for me. Wasps on the other hand are right cunts. Apparently they only sting when they’re angry but they’re always fucking angry
    One sunny day I was painting whilst perched on top of a ladder when a wasp went up my shorts and started stinging like fuck. I managed to get into the bathroom and dropped my shorts, total agony. The bastard fell to the floor and I took about 20 minutes killing it.
    The missus of course asked if I could retain the swelling.

    • I was stung by a wasp the other week. I squashed it with my slipper. I picked it up with a paper towel and it stung me through the towel as it must have still had some life in it. Washing and rubbing the sting usually gets rid of it. Nasty sting though.

  20. According to this Wikipedia entry watching clips from the Spider-Man movies can help cure aracnaphobia. It’s not worked for me.

    It also says the latest treatment for the aracnaphobia exposes the patient to augmented virtual reality spiders. No thanks. Feeling ill just thinking about that.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arachnophobia

    • I can’t imagine watching clips from spider man movies to do anything useful about anything

  21. I’m in good company. JRR Tolkien was terrified of Spiders. Hence the giant spider Shelob in Lord of the Rings and Ungoliant in The Silmarillion.

    Also Justin Timberlake, Rupert Grint and Derren Brown. Maybe not such good company.

    At least I’m not as bad as my aunt. She was fine with spiders but terrified of tea leaves !!

    • Terrified of tea-leaves?
      You are the nephew of Enid Blyton and I claim my £5 book voucher for an unadulterated copy of “Sambo”👍

      • I am indeed the nephew of Blyton and heir to the Blyton millions. Unfortunately business is not looking good.

    • It’s easy to say that Cunstable. It’s an irrational phobia.

      Every time I go to the toilet I have to check there are no spiders under the rim.

      I know it’s pathetic but what can I do?

  23. I do still have fond memories of sitting watching the TV with Mrs Terry when quite a large spider sprinted across the floor.
    I’ve never seen the lass move so fast nor make so much racket.
    Not downstairs at least haha
    Anyway it completely ruined Bruce’s Price is Right.

  24. As a young teenager remember waking one morning (it could have been afternoon though) to find a huge huntsman spider flattened on the mattress. Used to wear just pants in bed so would have been skin on skin.

    Never liked the huge ones that run at you, both the late and current Mrs Stroker have no problem picking the bid bastards up in their bare hands.

    Find then fascinating to observe outside and wonder at the fantastic construction of their webs.

    • This is where cats earn their pay. Our cats used to eat spiders.

    • Vastly preferable to cats indeed K.

      Seems I’ve possibly mistaken these spiders for the Harvestman species in the past.

      (Mrs J is almost as bad as me when it comes to regular dusting)

  26. True story.

    There was a sumo wrestler in the WWF called Yokozuna, and he was so scared of spiders he would have them swept out of his hotel rooms before he settled in. He was terrified that they would crawl in between the flabs on his body. The cause of his death: his exact fear, he spotted a spider and since he was so huge, he had a heart attack and died.

    I empathise.

    • Well, I say it’s true. I don’t know for sure. But it’s on the internet so it must be true.

      • I have an internal vacuum system which is great for sucking up spiders and sending them through the pipes into the receptacle outside. I couldn’t kill them, they’ve got as much right to live as I have. I just hope they’re able to escape.

  27. When I was a child I was scared of spiders. After a while I gradually got used to them and quite like them. I had read books about them which helped me understand them and be less frightened of them.
    I think it was the fear of the unknown.

    There was a spider in the old house. Very good at getting rid of pesky insects.

    They are good guard dogs keeping unwanted callers away.

    • They perform a very useful function, it’s true. I read that if it were not for spiders we would be knee deep in flies.

      When I was at university, my college accommodation was full of spiders. I’m sure many of them dated back to the 16th century and had grown fat on a diet of decaying old dons and books. I think that’s where my phobia ratcheted up by a few degrees.

      It’s not really spiders that are the cunts. It’s aracnaphobia that’s the cunt.

  28. I’m with MMCM on this…I can’t stand most spiders with the exception of the jumping ones. They show some interesting problem solving and are acrobatic how they get about. I have no phobia of anything else and I especially like rats. They’re survivors who will get out of a corner or die trying. I wouldn’t want to get too close to a venomous snake or frog but I’d be interested more then fearful. But spiders? No ta.

  29. Spiders are massive cunts. Just look at the fucking thing. If that’s not evil I don’t know what is, probably give me a nightmare now. Only solution for that is a bloody nuclear bomb up it’s arse. Kill it with fire!

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