What is wrong with door slammers?
Why can´t they just pull the door behind them and click it shut silently? It´s not so difficult. Are they in such a hurry to get home or escape from it? To rush to the bog for a crap? To rush to the bedroom for a quickie? To switch on the TV and watch the BBC coverage of Black Lives Matter? To flee to the pub after a row? To escape a nagging wife?
I can tell when my neighbours are going in or going out as they slam the door every time. In fact, the whole building must know.
Hotels are the same. I don´t know how often I have been in a hotel where it appears that every other guest is taking part in a door-slamming competition.
At least, my neighbours don´t have a dog but others do and I will save my distaste for cunts who let their dogs bark non-stop for another post. With the kind administrators’´ leave that is as I don´t want them to think I am taking them for granted. Grovel, grovel.
Nominated by: Mr Polly
I can never tell whether they are inconsiderate cunts, stupid cunts or doing-it-on-purpose cunts.
Or all of the above.
13
Oooohh shut that door!
I know a door slammer.
A dramatic, im not happy ive not got my own way type.
A millenial
A redhead
A not left home yet
And if they crack the plaster around the door frame,
A why did you boot me up the arse type.
9
Knock and the door shall be open to you Miserable.
Save for JWs.
Must be discouraging that. Always having the door slammed in your face.
I suppose death is an open door or a closed one.
Or a locked door.
I suppose you you have to study the width of a door. No, what do they call the space of a door a closes into?
We had difficulty with our bed getting it up the stairs into the bedroom. I yanked it at one point and it damaged the base. No patience.
I wouldn’t make a good removals man.
3
That’s it the door frame.
1
Morning Miles,
Im a big fan of the Doors.
Some say they’re guilty but I think they were framed…
Do you know Miles that footballers have giant headboards on their beds?
No joke, and don’t know why,
Or where they get them,
But 6ft tall and 7ft long heavily padded headboards.
I thought it might just be a one off but no.
Every footballer I work for…
Giant headboard!
Wonder what thats about?
5
Actually this one is for Miles, do you smoke some heavy shit? or are you an intellectual ? struggle to get your drift at times buddy.
3
No @Everyone just ‘quirky’. I hate drugs.
3
Has Mrs Plastic forgotten to administer your medication again Miles?
4
I feel your pain Mr Polly.
Wimminz are the worst offenders-it’s like a girly version of a punchbag.
Wrong time of the month?
Slam.
Starting an argument that they know they cannot win?
Slam.
Refusing to accept your apology for shagging their best mate?
Slam.
Coming home at 5.am, covered in lipstick.
Slam.
🤔
10
Wimminz eh? They’re funny cattle
1
You can add cunts who don’t know what the handle is used for to this list an all.
6
I own a dog and he slams the door – proper cunt he is.
5
Worst cunts are those who slam your car door.
“Fucking hell, leave the cunt on its hinges please”, I have been known to utter.
7
I’ve been known on occasion to do the exact opposite and close the car door too lightly when returning home by taxi after a night on the tiles. Whenever I’m faced with a driver who won’t shut up and feeds my pickled brain his life story when I just want some peace and quiet, I repay them by getting out the rear passenger side door on arrival and close it so light that it doesn’t close forcing him to get his chatterbox arse out his car to walk round and close it. I often stop my journey a street away from home whenever I get a yappy cunt as they often beep the horn and holler out at me in an attempt to have me return and close it properly. Bad enough the cunts have woken me up and I don’t want my neighborhood woken up too
3
An excellent subject for a nom, Mr P.
Door slamming can do great damage to architraves. It can mean that gaps will eventually occur between the architrave and edge of the door enabling annoying drafts. Door slammers are, therefore, not only inconsiderate cunts but vandals too. On the subject of architraves, cobwebs above the architrave are a sign that you are in the house of a slattern.
Good morning, everyone.
8
I thought it just meant there were spiders in attendance.
3
It’s not just annoying noise- everyone knows that ‘as one door closes, another one opens’ , so the selfish cunts are creating havoc elsewhere,with doors of bank vaults, prison cells , medical fridges etc popping open.
5
Talking of prison cell doors. I read on some Oz website a couple of years ago that prison guards will no longer be allowed to “slam” cell doors, as it causes anxiety/distress to prisoners.
No idea if there’s any truth in that. And I can’t find the article via Google anymore to verify. But it wouldn’t surprise me in this age of the delicate snowflake, including snowflake prisoners!
3
That’s the whole idea Innit? heavy iron doors clanging shut with inevitable finality and aural assault every night to remind lifers of their hopeless fate
1
Quite right mr Lentil!
Probably most crime stems from door slamming.
Its like that ‘if a butterfly beats its wings”…
Next thing a hurricane abroad!
Butterflies are probably the natural worlds most dangerous animal!
7
Morning MNC – wise words, I do my bit by entering/leaving buildings via windows and chimneys where possible
4
If more people took a leaf out of your book the world would be a better place Vesper.
The missus went mad when I nailed all the doors shut,
But I told her to think of others.
2
MNC@ – Adolf Hitler and Ted Bundy were both well known door slammers!
Bundy got more girls though..
4
I know Foxy, pol Pot, peter Sutcliffe, joe Stalin, too.
Starts with door slamming,
Before you know it.. millions dead.
3
I was told ‘as one door opens another slams in your face’. This was by a bloke whose glass was always half empty.
2
I suppose the maids and butlers at Fiddler Towers, have been well versed in how to open/close doors without any noisy disruption on pain of a damn good thrashing bent over the aga!
My wife has the annoying habit of slamming kitchen cupboard doors, even though they’re self-close. Same with the tailgate on the car. She slams it shut, even though it has a quiet self-close mechanism.
And same again with the wardrobe doors. Even though they’re on a roller mechanism and slide along a track rather than come out, she still insists on slamming the fucking things shut!
Doesn’t matter how many times I tell her she still keeps on doing it!
5
Your female needs training. Luckily for you I have 5,000 unsold copies of my self-published instruction manual available…” Training your woman to be as obedient as your Hound”. It contains many handy tips on teaching them basic commands such as ” Sit,Stay,Stop that infernal yapping etc” and pointers on where you are going wrong…such as letting your Hound/ Female eat before you have finished your own meal.
It also comes with a handy old riding-crop to help even the most recalcitrant beast get the message.
Good Morning,Techno
Good Morning,All
14
I remember a few years ago when a bloke dropped dead sitting in the bar. The landlord asked us to carry the corpse into the pool-room so as not to put his other customers off their ale while we waited for a Doctor to turn up. Unfortunately the pool-room door had a vicious spring and as we attempted to wrangle the body through the door, Jim who was holding it open let it go…it slammed shut with the force of Dianne Abbot savaging her way into a KFC Bargain bucket, right on to the dearly-departed’s head. Jim calmly announced..”Well, if he wasn’t dead afore..he fucking well is now”.
Happy Memories.
19
“They’ll be a lot of car door slamming in Kensington tonight.”
From Monty Python’s Upper Class Twit of the Year.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGxSM5y7Pfs
5
I’d forgotten that MP were occasionally very funny.
1
I read somewhere that holding a door open for a woman is ‘male empowerment’ and ‘sexist’ because you’re having to open the door for them. No it’s polite and common courtesy you dozy cunts.
7
Yes. I recall an incident in M&S years ago (posh cunt me innit?) when I held the door open for a woman carrying about 4 bags. As she got near the door she said, in a stroppy cunt voice, “Women do know how to open doors for themselves you know!”
I was fucking pissed off with that so I shouted back “I’d hold the door open for a man carrying lots of bags too. It’s called common courtesy. You should try it sometime.”
I had to really hold myself back from adding ‘you fucking bitch!’ on the end though lol.
7
Hold it open but only to slam it shut before they can go through. If they protest just furiously point at the glass ceiling.
4
Ah yes. Door slammers, whilst I sit here reading this nom, a cunt is outside slamming his various car doors.
Oh I would also like to include wheelie bin lid slammers.
The World is full of CUNTS!
3
Good point, I have a couple of neighbours who do this religiously every ‘bin day eve’. They drag their bin out kerbside and insist in one last lifting of the lid not to actually put any more rubbish in but just to have a last farewell moment with the trash inside before the slam finale.
2
It’s a stroppy teenager thing to do. Many millennials are like teenagers still so they do it.
That’s something that needs cunting an’ all. Every other fucking TV series or film seemingly involving superheroes nowadays. These are shows and film mostly aimed at ‘adults’ (kidults) too.
Fuck off you big babies.
4
Good cunting this one.
At least half of Mrs Jelmet’s family are guilty of this cuntishness.
Myself, on the other hand, can open and close doors with the stealth of a Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon.
3
sounds like a rather rude movie mind you it would take some courage
0
I used to do this all the time as a teenager, as well as stomping up and down the stairs with the force of a herd of elephants. Drive my poor father to distraction. I know better now.
3
I ran down the stairs like a herd of elephants to the dinner table, which was like feeding time at the zoo.
1
The sound of doors or drawers, toilet seats etc being slammed annoys me and makes me jump.
I’ve seen some anti door slamming and soft close drawer and toilet seat devices for sale on the internet.
Or a cheaper option: Remove the doors, drawers etc. There’ll be no more slamming. But someone could come into your home and steal things.
2
Slamming a door says “I am here! Take notice!”
They’re just attention seekers, that’s all it is.
1
It would be cheaper still to remove their hands.
1
You’ve kept very quiet about your hobbies and pastimes until now Spoons.
I would never have guessed that removing drawers was one of them!
😊
2
Cor, Bertie. That reminds me of a particular time of my youth.
2
Thats enough Spoons
You mucky pup.
Disgraceful 😀
4
Anyone found slamming a door, car door or garden gate round here gets the Vinnie Jones (Bullet Tooth Tony) treatment, Cunts!
1
I had an ex wife who would go out the back door for a cigarette after any argument and would slam the door on her exit everytime. Good riddance to the vandalising cunt who broke everything she fucking touched. Super glue share price must have been influenced by her clumsyness / stupidity.
3
Excellent nomination. Applies to my cunt neighbours, bad enough that they slam the door, but the bloody thing also screeches on un-oiled hinges. I’ve told them enough times to stop doing it but they claim they don’t understand, stupid Italian cunts. Their landlord is also a cunt for not fixing it. French cunt.
1
I have a squealing pantry door not too obtrusive but then I noticed the budgie was mimicking it. TEN TIMES as often.
0