The adverts will tell you that by using a certain brand of bog roll you can spend the whole day feeling squeeky clean and walk around with a little twerk.
The reality is that it is impossible to effectively clean up shit with a piece of tissue.
Imagine, if you accidentally swidged a turd with your hand, would you wipe it off with a piece of paper and happily go about your day?
Of course not.
You would go looking for some soap and water to do the job properly.
Mrs Cunter used to sell properties and she would tell me that her UK clients used to be horrified at the mere sight of a bidet in a bathroom.
Their faces would screw up, rather like Kenneth Williams before he says “disgusting” in the Carry On films, and they would demand that the bidet must be removed by the builders before they make their purchase.
What is it with these people?
Do they think that they have a rose garden growing in their underwear?
Standard procedure for any golfer is a bacon roll and a cup of coffee before teeing off.
Not so for one fat bastard that I used to play with.
For him it was an enormous, full English breakfast followed by a huge mug of tea with a few sweeteners in, and then off he would go for a shit.
For the entire round of golf he would have a swarm of flies buzzing around his poorly wiped arse.
If you have no room for a bidet then fair enough, time your shit for just before your shower.
If you do have space for a bidet then buy one, you filthy arsed, smelly bastard.
Nominated by: The Artful Cunter
One to wipe, one to clean and one to polish. Unless you drink alcohol, in which case its a fucking disaster of toxic shock every morning. Mind you its clears you out. Shower off the shower of shit off in the shower.
6
What the fucks a bidet?
Sounds suspiciously french?
Noel Gallagher had a band called Bidet eye.
I just wipe my arse.
Not bothered on what,
Curtains, a discarded shirt,
Grass, not fussed.
Wiping is the sad aftermath.
Its all about a pleasurable shite.
Bit like a one night stand!
Your wiping the baby gravy off your cock with her knickers,
An feeling a little melancholy,
“£3 on bedside for your busfare”…
12
You old charmer, MNC 😜
5
Good Afternoon MNC
When HIGNFY was funny some years ago Michael Grade was on and was getting a bit of shit about being a non-executive director of somewhere, possibly the BBC. He was asked what a non-exec did and replied. “They are a bit like a bidet, no-one knows what they are for but they add a bit of class to the place.”
8
The bidet is one of the true useful inventions the French have come up with. I agree that toilet roll is not the best solution to that perineal problem – how do you keep your ass clean? Not a problem for Mudslimes though – they just use their hand.
10
I don’t like anything squirted up my arse.
6
Elton John swears by it.
9
I don’t know how the bidet works.
Is it a sharp jet of water that ‘clears the debris’ away? Or a soft jet and you use soap?
If you use soap then that will take more time. You could never just go for ‘a quick dump’.
A great British tradition.
5
Hiya Miles, your thinking of a karcher jetwash.
8
As I suspected!..French!
They love stuff up the arse,
Its the national pastime.
No way im having some french appliance that gosses up my Harris!
Unthinkable….
9
Jhonny foreigner sticks their medicine up their arses. Unthinkable at my club. Black ball the fuckers
6
You and my Red Setter. Poor old girl had the vet shove a thermometer up her arse this morning, she tried to nip him. She preferred his finger (well gloved) in her vag.
8
Redheads are like that Wanksock.
Dont like any french tampering,
Just straight to being fingered.
6
You don’t know what your missing
5
I wish i had room for an arse & balls water fountain.
7
Just use a squeezy bottle with some Listermint in it.
7
When I was at school the toilet paper there was hard and shiny and felt like tracing paper. Truly horrible. I used to hold it in rather than have to use school toilets. Not a bidet in sight – unless you wanted to use one of the drinking fountains in the school corridor.
13
Our school ‘bog roll’ was what the teachers called ‘paper towels’. Muddy looking pink or purple stuff that was like sandpaper. They used these paper towels for everything, including in the (kids) bogs. That and the red carbolic soap. No handwash in that shithole.
One nutter at our school once wrote the word ‘Shit’ in actual shit on the toilet wall. It was that sort of place.
7
Did he dot the i ?
And what with?
2
Izal. Kids now don’t know they’re born. Mind you, I would never have a shit at school fro fear of having my head shoved down the bog. I even made myself bad once by not going all day.
6
Izal was only good for throwing at a football game.
Slippery enough to spread shit half way up your back!
Funny smelling greaseproof paper.
2
A hotel I once stayed in asked me why I took a shit in the bath.
I explained that it was because I was too short to do it in the sink.
16
The sink was already full of piss might have been a better answer!
1
Piss in the sink?
What do the think the beds are for?
3
*you
1
Correct. I never dump in a public bog. Always at home followed by the shower on full blast with my trusty bar of dove. Aaaaahhhhh clean.
7
Agreed. I only use the bog at work in absolute emergencies.
I have my private bathroom at home. Well stocked with Andrex and but one short step away from the shower and a fresh bar of Dove soap for ensuring anal cleanliness.
0
I am an after number two washer! Anything less is disgusting!
Fuck off!
6
Each to their own. Having an arse like Bigfoot a bidet suits me. Can cause bacterial infections around the fanny but last time I looked I’m ok on that front. Arse shaving isn’t an option either, it’s fucking dangerous.
What a load o’shite.
6
You’d think with our disgusting processed diets and legions of disgusting fat bodies that bidets would be seen as a gift from god himself!
Now that summer is here, pestilent swamp ass beckons for thousands of redundant fat asses crammed into shorts too small.
7
I used to work with this lad. He was a right lazy cunt. Used to get up and just roll into the place. He only lived 10 minutes away from the workplace, so he just got out of bed, turned up without washing and did next to fuck all when he arrived. But the worst thing was he used to do a massive Jimmy Knapp, and the stench from his shitty arse was unbearable. I don’t think he even washed his hands. In the summer months, it really was a nightmare. What a dirty cunt he was.
8
Brilliant cunting.
As Mr Uttercunt says, ‘never dump in a public bog’. Top tip. Disgusting. No one wants hear/smell that. Wait to go before venturing out.
Watch what you eat. Only eat proper food (none of that vegan/veggie nonsense or you will lose control of your arse). Some margarine and butter substitutes make your arse leak (Mrs Twenty advises, something to do with trans fats). If you need more than one shit a day, see a doctor.
6
See a doctor? Fat fucking chance!
Trust “trans fats” to make your arse leak. 😆
6
Living a remote cottage Paddy wins a competition and has to collect his prize where he’s put up in a nice hotel. After a night on the Guinness Paddy finds the bathroom but can’t understand what toilets and bidets are, so he shits in a bag and hides in the drawer then returns home.
Following year he wins again and the same thing happens, this time hiding it under the bed.
A third win the following year Paddy has no problems with the toilets as he’s spent his prize money on renovation to his cottage So he uses the toilet and flushes.
On the train home Paddy gets a message from the hotel on his newly acquired phone……Ok you dirty bastard, where have you hidden it this time?
19
“Their faces would screw up, rather like Kenneth Williams before he says “disgusting” in the Carry On films,”
I love that description, AC. It reminds me of Alistair Campbell – whenever he appears on TV he always has that horrible sniffy look on his face, a look of distain as if somebody had just shoved a pair of Emily Thornberry’s soiled bloomers under his nose.
8
was staying with a mate this week and had the misfortune to see Thornberry on question time (which I never usually watch as it is full of cunts). What a fucking turd she is.
5
We had some Arabs on a project I was working on in London. The dirty fuckers used to squat on the bog seat and shit from height. Of course, much of it went on the seat or their shoes. They then wiped their arses with their hands from a cup of water – I know this as, if I went in afterwards, the whole bog had water everywhere and there were umpteen cups left inside. I stopped going as used to wait til lunch and go to Tescos for a tom tit. So, what did management do? Put in shower sprays next to the bog so the cunts could make even more mess. The management sucked up to the fuckers as they were the client – dirty filthy Arab cunts. Glad the oil price has collapsed and they have no money for new projects.
7
They truly are filthy fuckers. Shitting from a height into a Nile pan.
Some countries (not ours) have signs up that demonstrate no standing on the seat. Like that will stop the cunts.
One of mudslimes many religious rules is enter the toilet with the left foot and exit with the right. Good Jihn and bad Jihn shit. Fucking nutters.
7
But without all that lovely oil money, however will they be able to afford cups?
5
My old housemate spent some time in clink and he said that there was a certain religious cohort of a generally tanned-persuasion after whom you would not want to use the communal khazi.
Let’s just say they would go in the cubicle with a full squirty water bottle and leave the cubicle with an empty water bottle and a supposedly clean arse as the contents of both bottle and arse would have been transferred to the floor, the seat, the rim etc. But pigs are dirty animals apparently so what do I know.
Thanks but I’ll stick with double-ply bog roll doubled over in hand.
8
Some africa countries its the custom after having a shit to raise it as one of the family.
They send it to school, tuck it up in bed at night, read it a story etc.
Funny because with their kids they usually fuck off at the first sign.
8
The bidet is traditionally reviled in this country due to its links with prostitution.
All the higher class whores in France, had bidets ,which they would use to freshen up, between clients.
This scandalised British society of yesteryear. Hence, the bidets tarnished reputation.
It is imperative, nay incumbent on the English Gent. To keep his arse clean, similarly, his cock. Which should be washed thoroughly, twice daily.
What’s that you say ?
You dirty cunt.
Go and do it.
NOW !
Good evening.
6
Got the weekend off relaxing at a pub.No masks no social distancing just like the old days!!
4
Apologies thought I posted that as a separate comment.
2
That’s ironic because I’d pay good money for a high-price French prostitute to lick my rim clean.
4
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought using water only was pretty unhygenic, soap makes everything better as there is proper chemistry going on – hence all this covid advice etc. Hate being told by a Stanley I’m the dirty cunt! Paper is way better than water as – that’s the bit I’m not sure about, I believe it is better but not sure why, sort of ingrained culturally. Is it? Can I save a few quid and stop buying paper? – this appeals to the Yorkshireman in me 🙂
5
Those clean and clever Japanese folk have two basic types of toilet.
Very common are ones like this
https://youtu.be/rcJG6DcVGJE
The other sort being is a simple hole in the ground which you squat over to do your business.
I understand that the plumbing can easily cope with Japanese sized solid waste but can struggle with a fat Western turd.
Good evening.
5
I Imagine that the Khazi in a Sumo Wrestlers’ training camp is a sight to behold for any inquisitive, very brave, Cunt.
2
All a bit prissy isnt it?
Just leave it to dry out!
Itll flake and drop off.
Saving money on extravagant soap and expensive loo roll.
Thats what Jess Phillips told me,
and if its good enough for a lovely lady like Jess its good enough for me.
3
News just in.
The Blob married Horse-face this morning in secret.
Can’t think where else to put it other than the dirty asses nom.
Dylan the Dog was best man.
6
Bozza will be getting it up the arse tonight then. She probably carried him over the threshold too.
5
He’ll be getting it up the ass from Dylan then. Carrie does nothing without that mutt in tow.
5
Hes been bummed most his life,
He loves it!
Its the turk in him.
4
Let’s hope there’s a bidet in Downing Street.
4
There is.
Its called Michael Gove and hell lick your arse till it gleams.
9
Thinking that a bit of tissue will provide adequate anal cleansing is a joke.
So basically if a seagull dropped its load on your head you’d just dab it with a hanky. (presumably with the intention of combing the dried white bits later on)
Came across this thread (no I don’t know how either) which I thought was amusing :
https://saafe.info/main/blather-and-babble/whats-the-grossest-thing-that-has-happened-to-you/
4
Happy to report we have 5 bathrooms at the homestead, 4 of which have bidets.
Remember what Rik from the “Young Ones” said: “Clean Bottom, Dirty mind!”.
Or was it the other way around?
🤔
Fuck it, clean is best!
I remember pulling the panties down on a beautiful English rose, back in the day, when I was a teen at home. She had just been to the bathroom, to “freshen up”.
As I eagerly slipped my fingers into the side of those panties and gently eased them down, I spied a piece of Andrex stuck to her Lady Parts.
Completey killed the moment😢
Bidets are ace😃👍
8
” 5 bathrooms”….is this “homestead” an abandoned boarding-house that you and other members of your commune have broken into and are now claiming squatter’s rights ?
Good Evening,General.
🙂 .
8
Ha ha!
Evening Lord Fiddler.
It has been a fairly “boring house” thanks to lockdown.
Thank goodness for Isac, alcohol and sex.
6
They’d better not try and extend lockdown due to a load of fucking Indians being allowed to fly in and out at will.
6
Bidet was Peter Butterworth’s character in Carry In Don’t Lose Your Head.
Easier to use those specially formulated (flushable) ass wipes to ensure your winking walnut is chemically clean and fresh as a daisy.
2
I would love a bidet in my karzi. I am extremely OCD when it’s comes to my balloon knot hygiene. Use wet wipes (don’t flush down the shitbox). Sometimes have a shower after a particularly bad dump. I have quite a hairy arse so tagnuts can be an issue. I always fear the knock on the door from the Bottom Inspectors. It’s feels like I’m shitting a house brick lately with my Plymouth’s. And remember kids, no cheap toilet paper, you don’t want a push through and your finger looking like Bungle’s.
7
The ‘brown finger push through syndrome’, often referred to as a ‘taxi driver’s tan.’
4
When I was in Greece, there was sign next to the toilet that said.
“ if you have touched the food, please wash your hands before wiping your arse”.
0
What on Earth do you do with the shitty wet-wipes if you don’t flush them ?
Good Evening.
3
When I was in Greece there was a sign next to the shitter saying to put the arsewipe in a bin next to it….how fucking typically foreign I thought as I flushed it down the pan. I couldn’t give a fuck if it blocked the system further down the line but no fucking way was I putting up with shitty arsewipe sitting festering in a bin until housekeeping bothered to empty it.
6
Evening Dick. The wet wipes are placed carefully in nappy bags, tied up and then thrown with abandon into the cunts garden straight across from me.
4
LOL….that’s the spirit.
4
In occasion, when trespassing on golf courses, farmland, or a hard day flashing on the moors,
The excitement gets my tummy squiffy.
Ill drop my strides curl out a wrist thick George Floyd then drag my arse on the grass like a dog.
My harris is immaculate.
Its the most effective and scientific way to clean properly.
But dont do it near nettles
Or if your a bit gay and have hayfever.
3
I fell asleep in a nettle-bed one summer night while walking back from the Pub….lost my fucking cap too…possibly wiped my arse on it and chucked it away.
2
Round here, they end up in the sausages.
1
My brother works for a water board, he says those wet wipes are the worst. Clogs everything and have a half life longer than Thorium 232.
2
I am of a certain age now where i find a good shit more pleasurable than a Shag.
It certainly requires less effort 💩💩💩
5
A bad fuck is overrated, a good shit underrated. Ahh the wisdom of forestry smoko chat.
0
Read that again tomorrow and see if you can understand it.
1
I once took a dump in a church vestry in full view on a table. I wanted someone to find it . Some might say it was a cry for help.
3
I’ve left one on the grave of a nasty, bitter horrible old neighbour who was an utter cunt.
After the auld bastard died i reconnoitered the burial plot and took Mr Brown along in a sandwich bag and rolled it out one evening.
Relatives were still visiting and tending the plot so fuck knows what they thought when they spied Mr Brown in all his glory.
4
Are you listening Fiddler? Unless you are to be cremated or laid to rest in the family crypt, angry villagers might pay visit to exact a belated revenge on your years of cuntishness.
3
I’m hoping that the Hounds’ll have eaten my corpse before anyone gets the chance to get the bunting out.
No way that I want any greedy funeral director to get as much as a brass farthing from my undoubtedly eagerly anticipated carking.
Evening,LL.
5
‘get the bunting out…’
Hehehe 😀👍👍
2
Evening Dick ,the hounds will return you to nature in a roundabout sort of way.
3
On the subject of dirty arses, the result of the 2021 Champions League Final.
Up yours, Berties.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGau8RBMNG8
3
Ha ha-well done Chelski
1
What a strange nomination. Don’t you cunts use soap and water?
Anyhow as for the shit, always best to go at work, get paid for it and if on weekday overtime it was worth time and a turd.
At home I save it up and launch it over the wall into the neighbours garden. They let their fucking cats roam and shit everywhere so they can have some back.
That is all. Fuck off and good evening.
3
I don’t have a bidet but I have an enema bulb, or anal douche, whatever they call it. Bought it from Amazon for about £6 hoping it would ease my constipation. And it worked. I can recommend it. Even though I don’t have that problem any more I still use it after a shit to keep my arse clean.
3
The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me was when i was driving my Mini Cooper along a built up street in Eastbourne.. I had this Vindaloo the previous night and i was so desperate to excrete that i pulled over slipped my trousers down to my knees , stuck my arse out and pebble dashed the pavement. At the same time two young girls in their teens happened to be passing. That was 40 years ago . Those poor girls probably still suffer with nightmares to this day.
9
These days that’s a Saturday night.
4