They don’t tell you at school about the shit you suddenly find yourself putting up with once you hit middle age.
Plenty of stuff for wimminz and kids about what comes next for them. Pubes, the change and all that shite.
For us blokes? We can fuck off.
Well, I’m ok really as I don’t want a fuss being made, but here are some of the delights I’ve found in the last couple of years.
1. Raised blood pressure. Out of fucking nowhere that one. No reason for it really, just ‘middle age’.
2. Piles. I recall waking one morning to feel like a broken bottle had been heated up to 450 degrees and shoved up my ringpiece. What a fucking joy that was.
3. Itchy arsehole. Nobody warned me that I would need at least one visit a day to the bog to wipe my arse. Nothing happened. I don’t need a shit. I’m not a fat cunt. I didn’t follow through. I just really need to wipe my arse for no fucking reason it seems.
4. Pissing like a racehorse. Two cans of lager and I’m pissing like Red Rum on his stag (nag?) do. Mind you, I get pissed quicker so that saves me money.
5. Exercise. Running a mile now feels like I’m carrying Harvey Price on my back at 14,000 feet above sea level for 60 miles.
6. Sounding like my grandad. I now like watching things ‘about the olden days’. Can’t stand modern music and say things like ‘In my day…’
7. Groaning. It’s true what Billy Connolly said about bending over and going ‘Eaaarrgggh’ for no reason when you hit middle age. I do it all the fucking time.
8. Slipping standards. I’ve always had high standards when it comes to ladies. I’m married and she’s a good un. Still, I like to look. Nowadays, I can find Anne Widdecombe appealing on a dark winter’s afternoon when the Mrs is at the hairdressers. I can definitely feel a trouser tingle when she ends her EU Parliament rant with “We’re off!”
But fuck them all. I’m older and wiser and I can now have that smug, all knowing grin my grandad had when I would talk shite as a youngster.
Fuck off.
Nominated by: Cuntybollocks
Hey Bollocks: You may think you are “older and wiser and I can now have that smug, all knowing grin my grandad had when I would talk shite as a youngster.” But you’re probably still a young know-it-all cunt who knows about 10% more than when you were 20. You need to be 65+ before you can be smug and deserve to be smug. And those horrible physical problems you complain about — wait another 20 or 30 years and then you’ll see how good you had it in middle ages. Stop your whining. I’d give just about anything to be middle aged again. You lucky cunt. Sincerely, An Old Boomer Cunt
2
Well that’s me told fucking ‘ell 😉
Some of my nom’s tend to be for a bit of a laugh, try not to take them too seriously.
You didn’t fucking know that did you?
But points taken…
1
Nobody mentioned hangovers, not being able to stay up late and the urge to eat supper at 5 or 6pm.
6
Flatulence,
Suddenly thinking when did I stop taking the stairs 2 at a time,
Feeling a twitch at 50 year old women,
Sounding like your dad when getting out of bed,
Glad you have an en-suite 20 feet away,
and the real shocker…yawning and telling the wife you are going to have an early night, she gets that look in her eye, you tell her to fuck off you intend to sleep !!
What a cunt.
10
hmm, getting old.
Not something that I expected to happen, I did my best to avoid the alternative and succeed.
so fuck knows how many years from then to now the signs.
tabbed from Guildford to mayford in steel toe caps.
result cramp for 2 days.
next tomfoolery a brisk hike from old Woking to Leatherhead when my car broke down, being senile I mistook Cobham for Bookham and added miles to my Journey.
My then wife retrieved my body from Effingham.
Later well life took its toll and a number of “Health complications” appeared, My mother informed me that it is hereditary ( hence her addiction to gordons gin)
so basically I am fucked..
The mind of a 26 year old in a rather fucked up body.
fun isn’t it !
And dont get me going on my very past sex life, The tunnel of love seems to be on par with the Ethiopian famine.
6
The writhing ons the wall so stop pretending Going a creep on youaaaa yaaaah
0