They don’t tell you at school about the shit you suddenly find yourself putting up with once you hit middle age.
Plenty of stuff for wimminz and kids about what comes next for them. Pubes, the change and all that shite.
For us blokes? We can fuck off.
Well, I’m ok really as I don’t want a fuss being made, but here are some of the delights I’ve found in the last couple of years.
1. Raised blood pressure. Out of fucking nowhere that one. No reason for it really, just ‘middle age’.
2. Piles. I recall waking one morning to feel like a broken bottle had been heated up to 450 degrees and shoved up my ringpiece. What a fucking joy that was.
3. Itchy arsehole. Nobody warned me that I would need at least one visit a day to the bog to wipe my arse. Nothing happened. I don’t need a shit. I’m not a fat cunt. I didn’t follow through. I just really need to wipe my arse for no fucking reason it seems.
4. Pissing like a racehorse. Two cans of lager and I’m pissing like Red Rum on his stag (nag?) do. Mind you, I get pissed quicker so that saves me money.
5. Exercise. Running a mile now feels like I’m carrying Harvey Price on my back at 14,000 feet above sea level for 60 miles.
6. Sounding like my grandad. I now like watching things ‘about the olden days’. Can’t stand modern music and say things like ‘In my day…’
7. Groaning. It’s true what Billy Connolly said about bending over and going ‘Eaaarrgggh’ for no reason when you hit middle age. I do it all the fucking time.
8. Slipping standards. I’ve always had high standards when it comes to ladies. I’m married and she’s a good un. Still, I like to look. Nowadays, I can find Anne Widdecombe appealing on a dark winter’s afternoon when the Mrs is at the hairdressers. I can definitely feel a trouser tingle when she ends her EU Parliament rant with “We’re off!”
But fuck them all. I’m older and wiser and I can now have that smug, all knowing grin my grandad had when I would talk shite as a youngster.
Fuck off.
Nominated by: Cuntybollocks
🎶
The sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over
Thought I’d something more to say… 🎶
17
You morbid little bleeder!
Upsetting us in a sunday with pink Floyd lyrics.
Bleedin hippies.
Getting old is shite isnt it?
Ive been working for 3 weeks with a poorly foot, I’m lame!
Its not healed!
Where in my 30s it would of been sorted after a few day.
No fun limping carring furniture about☹️
When younger id walk up the peaks whistling, pass all the prefessional walking types and be the cock of the peaks!
Strong as a ox
Mean as a lion
Like a fuckin mountain goat I was!
No im hobbling about like fuckin long John Silver.
Its a fuckin shame,
And I feel well sorry for myself.
I’m nearer to death than birth☹️
Youth is wasted on the young,
The orrible little cunts.
15
Ps
Great nom Cuntybollocks.
That itchy arse thing definitely!
Thought id got worms at first.
Turns out my harris sweats more than my armpits nowadays,
Ive stuck a glade plug in up there.
17
By strange coincidence, I am listening to “Breathe/Time” as I read this.
Spooky🤔
10
Well THATS hardly fucking cheered me up
3
Sirs:
About to turn 59 here. Heartily agree with all of the above.
And I would like to add the sudden appearance of ear hair. Hair sticking out of the ear, hair all over the outside of the ear. Not little stray wisps, mind you, but great thickets, reminiscent of the jungle along the Congo, or the eyebrows of the late Leonid Brezhnev.
18
🎵”I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger.
I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was stronger.”🎵
Or so sang Steve Marriott and Rod (I know naffink abaaaaaaht that Charlie Mullins bell-end..honest!) Stewart.
Sort of think they had a point though the older I’ve gotten.
5
bugger I got it wrong it was written by Ronnie Wood and Ronnie Lane.
7
When I was 12 I fancied my best mates mum. What I wouldnt have done to fuck her! It went round and around in my head and came out as spunk about ten times a day. Middle age is a blessing. Having said that if you dont keep shagging or wanking your prostate will shrivel and youl be dead from cancer (if you ride a bike your fucked).
9
Just turned 62 but so far only recognise 5 and 6 now.
Other noticeable things that have developed: vindaloos which once remained in the system for hours now have to be ejected within 30 minutes, and hairs growing out of the years.
So much more to look forward to. ☹️
10
Not as clever looking when walking through city traffic. The old spring in the step is worn even though I trian
5
Cunty, a couple of things you mention suggest that you should get your blood tested to see if you have diabetes. Everything else sounds normal.
5
Cheers Alan.
I was checked for everything about a year ago due to increased blood pressure. Heart is fine. Liver fine. Kidneys fine. No diabetes or hyperactive thyroid (I think they said that was summat they looked for too..can’t remember).
The verdict was ‘just happens sometimes – watch your salt intake and eat a healthy diet/don’t drink too much.’
It’s only ‘a bit high’, not dangerously high or anything.
5
Now that I’m getting on a bit I’m covering all the bases and have even gone as far as joining The Reincarnation Society.
The two grand joining fee was a bit steep but I thought fuck it, why not, you only live once….
15
Imagine how fucked up the country would be if you live twice, fuck me I’m only just tolerating it now the first time around, if things get much worse in my old age I’m gonna be glad when the first life is over, fucm coming back for seconds, unless I could be invisible and then I could have some serious fun….
6
Nearly 50 and everything you say is absolutely true.
Can’t go through the night without at least 3 trips for a piss.
Knees ache, back aches.
And definitely number 8, though I would draw the line at the delectable Ms Widdecombe.
Worst thing is feeling like your 25 and think your still attractive to younger women only for them to say you remind them of their dad/grandad.
13
UM, seriously 3 x a night for a leak might suggest a trip to the GP, unless you are quite a heavy pint-drinker… better safe than sorry. I recently turned 59, maybe I’m lucky, but the leakiness is upon me only occasionally. Take care, and hope all is well…
Mentally, I feel mid 30s, which is certainly a pain around birds…
11
Getting older-its better than the alternative.
That is all😢
11
Agreed.
Trying to cut toenails is a total bastard now, as they are like corrugated iron (I started using my spark’s sidecutters, I kid you not) – reminds me of my Gran (the “hanging and flooging’s too good for ’em” one) – she said that in WWI she signed up as a VAD in the hope of meeting a handsome colonel; she spent 4 years cutting dirty old men’ s toenails… Careful what you wish for!!
Which brings me to La Widdecombe… I loathe doormat wimmin, but on the other hand, living with an opinionated one might be a sod. Well, it is, I can tell you! And I reckon Widdie is a duvet-hogger…
8
Rather than going to see a rip off podiatrist, you might like to try using a Dremel with the drum sander attachment to thin your nails. A proper podiatrist’s nail cutter doesn’t go amiss either – a mere £11 from Amazon. They have a nice, thin pointed end for accuracy, work like a dream.
3
Seems that middle age is the dark era. Purgatory. Old enough that the lower regions start to malfunction, but not old enough to blame the pissy and slightly shitty smells on being an old fuck.
2 & 3 definitely a western disease. We weren’t designed to sit, strain, and shred our cornhole with wads of barren paper with a puppy face on it. Get a bidet, or at least finish off with a wad of wetted paper.
6
Wokey, bidets are a bit french and posh?
Try a karcher jetwash!
Sparkling finish.
14
I want one of those high-tech star trek all-in-one captains chairs the japs have. Sophisticated piece of kit. Air dryer, lights, music, probably tickle your nuts too.
9
I find that one of the biggest indignities is the depressing failings in both force and volume of my ejaculate! No more throwing ropes for my good lady to marvel at and applaud. Just the tiny trickle of something akin to a mouse’s tear these days.
17
Spiderman days are gone, now I can on shoot 6 inches past my toes, that’s standing up, I was lying down I would be lucky to make it as far as the belly button….. Well this is cheery isn’t it
10
Like a warm puff of boiled potato water😀
5
Gone are the mega shooters of my 20’s now it’s a pathetic tap drip 🙁 getting older sucks 🙁
0
If you can still get a stiffy over pics of Flabbott and Angela Merkel, then you’re not quite dead yet
7
In that case I’ve been dead for 68 years.
14
Reading glasses ,face mask and fog fucking eyes
8
Great cunting Cuntybollocks,
Am I middle aged at 42? Not sure, I look forward to reading (and trying to avoid) some of these depressing things us men have to endure. I suppose it beats the menopause though.
12
I’d love to know the oldest cunter is on this site?
I’m 57
7
Don’t you believe it B&WC! Any suggestion that men don’t suffer with the menopause is the same as the lie that men don’t suffer with periods! Just cos it’s not us having them, doesn’t mean the consequences don’t mess with our lives big style!
12
BWC@
You get phantom pregnancy too.
Ive had three, named em Bertie jr, Fiddler jr, and Ruff jr.
Headless Bethan babysits.
7
You’re getting there B&WC, at your age I was mostly fully functional but at 44 I had two prolapsed discs in my back which have left their mark in loss of upper body strength and numbness in my left foot, at 46 my eyes decided I needed glasses, seemed to happen over night. 54 now but for the first 30 minutes of the day I feel 70, takes a while to get the motor running
I think we all have to accept things ain’t what they used to be, aches and pains and all but less fucks are given.
11
B&W:
The differences between 30 & 40 are insignificant, compared to those between 40 & 50.
😗
12
I fell asleep earlier and shat myself…does that count. 😂
21
Must have been all that white lightning and thunderbird 😂😂
6
Lol great replies lads. 😂😂😂
7
Absolutely. I hardly noticed anything change between 30 and 40, apart from not being able to sprint fast.
40 to late 40s? Fucking hell. It’s like the difference between 10 and 40.
5
I’m mid to late 40s. I’d say watch out for 45-47.
2
I think some women have a really bad menopause, I am most of the way through mine and it hasn’t been too bad. I was going to say mood swings but if I’m honest I have always been easily irritated by people and the other half says I am to the right of Attila the Hun. I had to cross the road the other day because there was a bloke walking ahead of me and his walk irritated me like fuck (elbows going everywhere) and I wanted to batter the cunt.
14
I’m 45 and piles are the bane of my life. Every time I wipe my arse the big roll looks like the Japanese flag. Plus my eczema is playing up more, fuck knows why, head constantly itching.
11
I’m 31 and I get the bastards too. Popping anasol up your bum losing your arse virginity for the first time isn’t fun.
Piles are cunts.
5
salt and forcing a shit . Im nearly 60 , no Chalfonts
3
Lucky Cunt
3
Toe nail clipping becoming more of a challenge
11
On the plus side: I wouldn’t swap being a lad doing my “wenching” in the 80’s & 90’s for being a young in today.
Not for all the fucking money in the world👍
I don’t envy the kids their youthful vitality, whatsoever. I truly believe I gad the best era to be a randy young twat😀👍.
Fuck yeah!
10
If they acted like we did in the 70s, be on the sex offenders list. Beer and grope. Now sit in the greenhouse with a bottle of Hobgoblin IPA…….
4
You havent reached the farting like a walrus stage yet then Cunty?
Something to look forward to and take pride in.
9
Is 42 middle age? I’m panicking mildly as I tick over half your boxes, ACWCC.
This past week I’ve been practically laid up with a right foot that’s been giving me seemingly unprompted inflammatory gip of all hours of the night keeping up kind. I haven’t even been drinking (yet), so no it’s not gout.
If this is what I’ve got to look forward to, combined with never being allowed out to do anything sociable now, strap me to a chair with the old eyelids propped open on matches watching loops of Love Island until me cerebrum go boom boom.
4
Middle age is generally defined as being between the ages of 40 and 60.
6
Fuck me!! I am an old cunt then.
5
As a gout enthusiast (!) I can assure you it’s not just the drink that brings it on. I went from beginning with Guinness (yes, I know) then prawns, then seafood so now I take a pill every day. It’s a rotten sod of an ailment, if your foot feels hot, skin stretched and you can’t bear the slightest touch then it’s gout. Without doubt.
6
My dad had gout in his right knee. He couldn’t even have a bed sheet over his knee when he had it, as he was in fucking agony. He put an ice lolly (in its wrapper) on it and it melted in seconds. It really is nasty and a cunt of an ailment.
10
In the summer of 2009 just prior to visit to Japan did a spell of delivery driving. Clearly didn’t drink enough fluids on the rounds and became dehydrated.
Several days after arriving in Japan (which was hot and humid at at around 37 degrees) and partaking in much alcohol provided my my wife’s father, began to notice an ache in one of my big toes. Incredibly uncomfortable and excruciatingly painful.
Diagnosed later as gout. Haven’t had it since and I know to always drink plenty of water.
4
Gout is indeed a cunt of an ailment however whenever it flares up I drink cherry juice and that work well for me.
Try cherry juice next time.
5
It’s not just any cherry juice though Dick is it?
Is Morello cherry juice the best because it is tart?
2
Sorry, yes sour cherry juice works. Not sure what’s in it but something about cherry juice helps with gout.
Read about it years ago after being plagued by gout it worked for me so first sign of gout these days and straight on the sour cherry juice.
3
Oh cuntbuggery. It may well be gout. Just as well I’m back on the voddy then, but have a full pack of cherries and a battalion of purine-busting cyder vinegar and beetroot juice at hand… come and ave a got if you think you’re ard enough, pansy crystalines!!!
3
The turds the turds…. So rough! Guinness is a anus destroyer in the true sense of the word.
2
Have you perhaps overindulged on tomatoes? A surprising number of seemingly innocuous foods can be the cause of gout.
4
Yes tomatoes seem innocent enough but soon ketchup on you…
Ow! Stop hitting!
15
Sadly, it may be gout… Honest to Dog,, I knew a genuine teetotaller who suffered b awful gout. With hindsight, I think mine may have started in v early 30s, and I wasn’t really drinking to excess…
2
You were alive in the 1930’s HBH?
😀
6
I’m 48. My wife still loves to run her fingers through my hair during coitice. Except that now that hair is on my BACK!
Thank God she let’s me climb on her even though I’ve turned into a fucking ogre.
15
The good side of middle age not that there’s many is being able to navigate a task or chore or work in the most efficient and correct way with the least amount of effort and still receive acknowledgment for a job well done , while you don’t give a flying fuck anymore about people. That’s when I really enjoy my cigarette on the drive home.
10
I have mellowed a bit in recent years. I stopped the football related shenanigans in the late 90s and I don’t hit the beer anywhere near like I used to either. I haven’t been on the pull for a bit and I am lucky to have Mrs Norman, who is a cracker.
The knees suffer a bit in the colder weather though and they click like a Rubiks Cube.
And I am always going on about how great things were in the 70s and 80s (because they were). And I fucking hate the millennial cunts with their stupid luminous hair, holes in their designer keks, their woke bollocks and their worship of phones, social media and Saint Chiggun Floyd George.
19
Good thing about middle age is your comfortable in your own skin.
No teenage angst, no self doubt,
Confident,
And dont give a flying fuck what others think of you.
If id gone bald in my 20s or 30s id of been gutted but now couldnt give a shite.
11
At the grand old age of 55 I feel marvellous – fit, strong, healthy, good eyesight, hearing etc – I am incredibly fortunate.
I stomp around the local nature reserve last thing before I go to bed – the 5 miles I walk are doing wonders for losing weight (I am a vain old Queen! 😃) and being a Yorkshireman I am determined to get my moneys worth out of these new hiking boots!
I do a big circle around the Town I live in the daytime – human contact, fresh air, exercise and daylight are the best things possible for physical and mental health and I intend doing so until I am not able to any longer.
I count myself very lucky I was blessed with a good body – and rogering the living daylights out of a very attractive gal considerably younger then me is an excellent way of keeping in shape as well! 😃👍
9
Many a good tune etc…
👍
4
When I was a lad I used to tell myself how great it will be when I grow up, I’ll be rid of this self doubt, uncertainty and shyness. I can imagine if that was worse in other people nasties like suicide could come into it.
It took a while, and now in my fifties those feelings have finally slipped away, and yes now I am quite comfortable with who I am. A lot of my progress has been to learn how to not give a fuck, and to say so as required.
7
Welcome …..
5
I hate the following with a vengeance…
Modern football
Glastonbury (crammed with cunts)
Ed Sheercunt
Game Of Fucking Thrones
Black Lives Matter
Social Media
Doctor Whoke (with Jodie Whittakunt)
Lana Del Twat
Phoebe Waller Cunt
Parking Stannits in period dramas
Darkeez as historical figures like Anne Boleyn
Daniel Craig
Meghan Markle Honey Child Ike and Tina Fucking Ono
LGBTXYZ Nazi Propaganda
Harry Potter
All music after 1997
The BBC
Saint Chicken Floyd George
Anything and everything woke
I am basically a grumpy old cunt who thinks almost everything that has come out in the past 20 or so years is crap.
17
I say 1997 because of the Verve’s Urban Hymns album. I can’t think of a decent one after that.
5
Good list Norman.
I’d add modern cars and other flimsy plastic gadgets to that list, because they’re designed to frustrate the poor cunts like me who get asked to fix them.
Sadly motorcycles are going the same way but I only work on vintage machinery nowadays, thankfully…
5
Norm –
I get your frustration and loathing. As for the music thing, may I direct your attention to 3 stunning albums by Suede, all made since ’97:
Bloodsports (2013)
Night Thoughts (2016)
The Blue Hour (2018)
Also, the last Killing Joke album Pylon, released in 2015 is particularly epic and poignant.
Cheers – IY.
2
Suede supported my mates band back at the beginning of their career-I actually thought they were shit, live. Fortunately they improved 😉
3
Might I further recommend the following:
The Pretty Things – Balboa Island (2007)
Lightning Seeds – Tilt (1999)
Blue Cheer – What Doesn’t Kill You (2007)
Alizee – Gourmandises (2000)
Dinosaur Jr – Farm (2009)
Pet Shop Boys – Night Life (1999)
M83 – Saturdays = Youth (2008)
Faust – Patchwork (2002)
Blue Oyster Cult – Curse Of The Hidden Mirror (2001)
Dinosaur Jr – I Bet On Sky (2012)
Tangerine Dream – Mars Polaris (1999)
Air – Moon Safari (1998) & 10 000HZ Legend (2001)
M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming (2011)
In no particular order. As you can see I have very catholic tastes, which should please Miles. 😀
2
Just remembered Mansun –
Attack Of The Grey Lantern (1997)
Six (1998)
little Mix (2000)
0
I would add the following
Nearly everything on TV
Young bald men with bushy beards
People who feel the need to wear quirky glasses
Fat women
Tattoos
Vaping
Selfish people with no fucking manners
Shouty Eastern Europeans
Rylan Clarke Neal
Unsolicited telephone calls
The European Union
Politicians worldwide
Cadburys reduced size chocolate bars
Rip off care homes
13
Chelsea North stand
Stonehenge on acid
Bob Marley Brixton academy
Edward longshanks
The NF
19th century 6 deliveries a day
Doctors that came to your house
No idea
no idea
Black and white minstrels
England was a mono culture until the 1950s.
Roger Moore
Edward Longshanks
Jesus
200 “rappers” killed by gunfire in the US last year
BBC
Chicago is Iraq
I need a lie down
1
Stonehenge on acid sounds like fun.
1
Can we leave Stonehenge out of this please.
I get a days work every spring moving the stones forward an hour….
7
I started driving lorries in the late 80s, I was talking to an old hand who was coming up to retirement.
He said something to me which I never forgot, and at the time didn’t fully understand. “The older you get, the shorter your summers are ”
I’m 53 now and the summers really do seem shorter.
7
You know you’ve reached middle age when the noises you used to make in bed are now the noises you make getting out of bed.
17
Ha ha👍
This is true😂
7
Can only concur.
Just hit 50 and it hit me back like Frank Bruno.
Hopefully whisky is the cure.
Otherwise I’m fucked.
Good Health!
9
Unkle T: same thing when I did-find that a good bottle of single malt, keeps me “Comfortably Numb”.👍
5
Yes to all of those apart from No. 3.
There is something else to look forward to.
On top of the failing hearing, eyesight and temper.
1