In the land of until awoken by me mobile at 2.30am.
“Hallo mate. Can you come and get me. They’ve kicked me out”
“( Most expletives deleted) Fuck me where are you? You didn’t go off on one? (He has a very short fuse). Nah nah. They give me three different scans all shit so nothing new there then the consultant tells me I need an operation (I know that) and they should admit me but due to so many Covid cases in the hospital it was not safe for me. If I caught anything It would definitely kill me.
I am standing in the car park outside A&E, they won’t have me in the hospital for my own safety and it’s started to rain.”
” Nice to have a consultant with a good bedside manner. Bugger me If I can manage to run the wipers in the dark I’ll get down there. What are the going to do for you?”
“They’ll send me a letter”
So I tanked up on Red Bull (on top of me medication) and motored on down. Picked him up sheltering in a bike shed next to A&E. Massive queue at A&E now standing in the rain. Nothing more conducive than a flood lit hospital car park in the rain at 3am. Which way to the gas chambers?
On the way back hit a massive pot hole hidden by the rain and the useless angle of view of such a low motor. Massive jolt up me arse and across me lungs and kidneys. Felt like an Iron Mike special (actually a very nice man out off the ring, mostly. Held back the pain to get us back and then literally fell out of the car hardly able to breath.
Crawled back home, more single malt and so to bed. Call to Quack Emergency Line, long wait, refused to speak to call handlers and nurses (just take an aspirin) and insisted on a Quack I actually knew. Eventually got a call back – could be lungs bouncing of me ribs or damage to liver or kidneys or a touch of the Princess Di’s with heart jolted out of place.
“Any black in your poo? What colour is your urine? Any blood in your snot or spit.? You need to have a scan but I would not recommend one with so much Covid in the hospital at the moment. We’ll send you letter.”
“Should I take some aspirin?”
“Don’t make me laugh”
“Only joking. Happy days”
“Wait for your letter”
Me Quack is an old cunt I have known for years and past retirement but continuing to work until he can come up with a dodge to prevent a large chunk of his massive pension being trousered by HMG. Really knows his stuff.
Will update if I live to tell. Oh yes found a lovely fracture dent in the alloy and a fucked side wall. Seriously expensive and he wants me as a witness.
Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke
…….Eh?
11
Ha, I thought it was just the early evening tipple on my part.
Consultants are self important cunts however (including their own distinguishing dress code), and yes.. even post minor surgery all you expect is aspirin.
I’m amazed you still have an old GP. The good one’s left some time ago, and the competent new blood is leaving due to workloads and not getting Blair’s promised salaries.
1
As usual, Sir Limply has fucking baffled me. And I’m a rambling cunt.
10
Not safe in hospital, whatever next, care homes will be the safest places on Earth now they have all been given the elixir of life. 😂
A bent alloy is a small price to pay for saving a life.
5
I read Sir Limply’s original posting of this story-this nomination is only the second half.
It is about his mercy dash to help a friend in need.
As the late, great, Les Dawson once said: “Friend in need, is a pain in the arse!”
As evidenced by Sir Limply’s tale of woe😢
Admin-wave thy magic wand👍
8
Magic wand? Isn’t that Cuntstable calls his uncontrollable organ?
1
Thanks CG, getting somewhat pissed off getting cut to ribbons. Lots of salient details missing. I may be a piss addled old cunt but the old memory has yet to let me down.
0
Good to hear from you, Sir. Trust you are fully recovered. Living with Covid-19 is designed to be as shit a possible. They want you to give up on the living bit. Fuck ’em. The bit about single malt sounded brilliant.
8
Can you use a photo of blood in poo for an insurance claim for a dented alloy?
4
Fook me. ‘ Tales From The Dark Side ‘
I’ll live in the light.
With all the normal people.
Good afternoon.
7
Turn my phone off at night. Selfish cunt, but need some time away from real world.
4
The World Health Organisation recommends using the vaccine developed by the University of Oxford and AstraZeneca.
Their experts said it should be used even in countries where variants of coronavirus that make the vaccine less effective are circulating.
The WHO also says the vaccine can be used in people aged over 65. When interviewed by the media, Roger Daltrey said “it’s a fuckin’ relief to know that old codgers like myself are covered.
It’s great news going forward for people of My Generation.
Why don’t you all f . .f. . f fuck off.
11
Having read this nom I conclude that sir Limply is a loyal friend but should have his driving licence revoked.
Im not sure if im more concerned about the state of the roads or how overburdened the NHS is.
6
Aye lad. *nods in agreement.
1
“…hope I die before I get old….” Well that didn’t come right for you Rog?
5
Yeah I was in hospital just over a week ago after a motorbike accident.I have to say I can`t fault my experience in AaE it was scarily quiet actually and very efficient.I know many people who have not been so lucky however.
3
Hospitals are very quiet now. I’ve had the misfortune of having to go weekly for the last 5 years so I’ve noticed the change recently.
Yet consultations are phone/vid only now and baffling backlogged. It’s those fucking elitist consultants again. I spot them a mile away. “Business as usual everybody. I’ll be in my bunker if you need me.”
1
Just blown up the photo that comes with the nom and thought the old geyser with the walking stick had brought his own bucket to take a shit whist he’s queueing
and then discovered it was a load of bollards.
5
Nevermind the bollards…
3
AstraZeneca. Is that the latest Vauxhall saloon car?
3
Spoons-you must be intoxicated on Sister Dolly’s Brandy snaps😋
You are mistaking it for the VW Pfizer GT.
Vorkcuntz Dork Twatnique🤔
2
Sir Limply should get a medal.
Maybe also Poet Laureate.
Good health!
7
Seconded. I love reading his noms, the more bizzare the better. It forces the brain to engage thought patterns that haven’t existed since The Krypton Factor went off air.
7
Thirded: I reckon he would be the perfect guest at a dinner party 👍
A bit like that fast show character who always finished his story with: “…and I was very, very drunk!”
I hope Sir Limply is well, wherever he is👍
8
That’s exactly how I see him. Rowley Birkin QC 😂
Should i be worried that I understand his meanderings?
To summarise: he went to pick up a friend in the early hours of the morning in the rain. The consultant who saw his friend was a pompous arse (many of them are). The pothole caused him an injury and now he’s in the shit because he went to help a friend.
What’s that saying about no good deed goes unpunished.
1
Protect the NHS! here is me thinking the hospitals and the like are there to protect/make you better. Fuck me can’t get in a fucking hospital. My youngest girlfriend is about to give birth. Has to have a test. If she is positive then what? My Good lady had to have a test for some cancer treatment. Had to wait out in the fucking freezing rain. An neighbour of mine the same. Look there are some dedicated Doc’s and Nurse’s in hospitals but fuck protecting the NHS! it was designed to protect us. You know people.
9
It’s a disgrace the way the NHS has been cynically used to justify all this bollocks. The cult like clapping, mantra like slogans that are STILL being repeated, the rainbows in windows.
It is very deliberate, strategic, psychological manipulation of the populace. I can’t believe how few recognise it for what it is. If we saw it happening in a foreign nation we’d proudly denounce it then bomb the fuck out of them to set them free.
I have lost a lot of respect for those in the health service. Not as much as the police though, who are irredeemable scum.
10
My youngest lad’s girlfriend. Fuck me wish I had a line of them …maybe not at my age..
2
Phew!
I’m glad you added this-😗
Sorry to hear about your good lady Sir-I hope fortune smiles on you and she🙂
3
I wish you good health, Sir Limply Stoke. A gentleman and a scholar.
This testimony should be printed for every Covid denier to read and understand.
If the Covid doesn’t get you, lack of care from the NHS might or a pot hole causing a bolt up the jacksie might have your number on it. Be careful out there.
0
Yesterday I needed to make an appointment to talk to the quack about test results.
I live literally 100 yards from the surgery but can’t walk in to make an appointment even I just walked in to collect a prescription. They only allow appointment booking by phone.
So I go home and ring them. I’m in a queue of six for 37 minutes on a chargeable call. I’m number 6 in the queue (I am not a number, I am a free man.) 36 minutes to answer 5 calls before I get through.
Meanwhile losing the will to live by listening to endless repeats of a message telling me did I know I can book on line. No I can’t because they’ve put a message on there saying you can’t use it due to covid and have to book by phone.
So eventually I get through. Earliest appointment is 22nd Feb and it’s by phone.
Fucking ridiculous…
2
My thanks to the Confederation of Cunters for their mostly kind words. As so often happens to Yours Truly me original post was butchered, truncated or otherwise fucked. It may be of some consolation to you that the old cunt has survived due to two weeks of blissful inebriation on single malt hot toddies. Can piss and shit once again without too much pain. Have to take me time sitting and bending ect to avoid another an Iron Mike left hook to me kidneys. Such is life.
1