(This nom pic – it’s so fucking puerile and random that I couldn’t resist – DA)
(Rumble…grumble…) *fruuumph!*
Well here we are again in the time-honoured fashion. It’s Boxing Day, and I’m racked with flatulence.
It’s my own fault of course, stemming from traditional overindulgence on Christmas Day. Curry with all the trimmings, washed down with liberal amounts of bottled beer. Then Christmas pud, followed by port and stilton, rounded off with mince pies and coffee. A recipe for Boxing Day disaster.
(Burble…) *quack!*
Christ, sew a button on that.
I knew I was in for trouble when the old Boxing Day log arrived prematurely at about 11.15 pm on Christmas Day. Since then, I’ve been blasting off like Mount Vesuvius; it’s so bad that I’m on a yellow card from the wife to put a cork in it (naturally she never breaks wind, but merely ‘exudes’ delicately and fragrantly).
(Gurgle…) *braaaap!*
For fuck’s sake, my poor old ringpiece! Where did I put those Wind-eze tablets?
Nominated by: Ron Knee
(Good to see you back, Ron, you crotchety old cunt – DA)
Passing wind is the sign of a healthy digestive system.
And highly amusing – i once slid out a silently horrific rotter in a pub and upon nosing the first aroma of what was truly unworldly in terms of the appalling stench i immediately began glaring at the guy next to me & muttering darkly.
As the revolting wave weaved melliflously through the by now disgusted crowd i declared him a filthy fker and retired to the beer garden followed by half the pub.
Aah, such happy memories! 😀
Right, time for some ice skating on the bike!
16
Agree Vernon, as well as a source of great pride for marks on vileness of smell, longevity and tunefulness. As for the statement above in the header, I bet the likes of Angela Raynor and the Flabbott could hold their own.
14
I’ve done the same to a dozing tramp on the tube.
After 6 pints of Guinness the night before, the stench was eyewatering. I even suspected a mild follow through may have occurred.
Still, everyone else was viewing the slumbering cider based lifeform with disgust so I think I got away with it.
16
Mrs Terry can let rip like a Gordon Highlander on occasion.
I wonder what the Feminazi would write about that?
The demented arse obsessed cunt.
Fuck Off.
11
It should be illegal for women to be heard farting.
If Mrs Cuntybollocks needs to let out a ‘fairy squeak’, I send her to the bottom of the garden to do it.
The dirty mare.
7
“But darling, look at the size of those hailstones!”
“Garden!”
9
I like to lie in the bath and light my farts as they bubble up to the surface…indeed it was while doing this that I came up with my plan to discourage illegal immigration from across Channel. We should cancel the HS2 project and task the Great British Eggheads with designing a gas pipeline that surrounds Good Old Blighty…at the first sign of a dingy (or foreign trawler) appearing in our Sovereign waters,gas pumped from a sewerage-works could be ignited underneath the offenders.
C’mon ,you budding Barnes-Wallises…England Expects.
I have written to Priti Patel outlining my idea but I fear that like so many visionaries afore me,I am to be mocked and ignored….never mind,I’ve dug out an old toy drum that I had as a child,written “Drake’s Drum” on the side of it and plan to stand braying fuck out of it while standing on The White Cliffs of Dover…yes,it’s time to summon our greatest dead Seaman…I expect the sight alone of The Golden Hind and her ghostly crew will be enough to put flight to the Enemies of England.
@TheyDon’tLikeItUpEm.
19
PS…I asked the museum for the use of the real Drakes Drum and they told me to Fuck Off…..obviously Remoaners who can’t accept that they lost the vote…I bet that old Cunt,Heseltine, has something to do with it.
The unpatriotic old Bastard.
16
While I don’t find farting funny anymore (ive lost all my mirth I know not where..)
I find accussing others of farting funny.
Prissy types, posh old ladies,
Dapper little men etc
Cut a evil egg smelling fart and accuse someone else loudly.
Watch them panic!!
9
I’ve never grown out of finding farting funny….we once had the opposition dart’s team refuse to play and walk out of the Pub after I farted loudly and laughed every time I went up to the oche to take my throw.
Morning,MNC
Morning,All.
17
The Darts League Secretary actually wrote my Pub landlord a letter warning about our future conduct after receiving a complaint from the opposition about me “expelling gas”. He had the letter framed and hung on the Pub. wall.
LOL.
16
Dick, the boffins had a scheme back during the second world war. PLUTO. Pipeline Under The Ocean to supply fuel order to France in support of the D Day landings I think. A similar thing to deter the boat people could be easily adapted to pump the flatulence.
8
PPS….I’ve recently received a letter from some Cunt signing himself “Donald J ” saying that he likes “the cut of my jib” and believes that we share a mindset that can make “Make The English Speaking Empire Great Again”…apparently, criminal courts willing,we’re to stand on a “joint ticket” in four years time.
No idea who the Cunt is but I’m pretty sure that I won’t be inviting him to my exclusive Gentleman’s Club anytime soon.
16
Morning Dick,
He the right name for this nom,
Have you trumped? No mum!
That skellington in a wig the septics have put on the throne?
Thinks hes harder than Bruce Lee!
Giving it the ol John Wayne act last night!!
Hardest man in congress😀
12
Farting, Hmmm after sleeping eating and sex my main pleasure in life. Two sachets of Fibogel along with a few bottles of McEwans Champion Ale help to keep this pleasure right up there where I like it to be.
9
Not a bigly fan of farting, me. On the other hand, squeezing out a couple of perfectly constituted logs after breakfast is sheer heaven…
(And there goes any thoughts of eggs, bacon and sausages this morning. Cheers, Ruff – DA)
11
In a forestry gang at smoko time years ago I heard the following
“A bad fuck is overrated, a good shit is underrated”
I dare say the chief benefit of a good shit is the relief and freedom of movement after disposing of a weighty and cumbersome load.
Somewhat akin to what RAF aviators may have felt after squeezing out a Blockbuster on Berlin
5
If farting was an Olympic sport I reckon I could be a medal chance. Not for aroma so much but volume and longevity. My record is 5 seconds at ear spltting decibels.
9
Imagine the farts emitted from the scrawny arse of “Lord” Adonis – fine wines, caviar, to keep up the champagne socialist image, and baked beans and lentils to prove he is sympatico with the working class – the same diet as little Owen Jones, in fact. It would be interesting to capture them both in one of those “Portaloo” micro public lavatories, for a mutual bumming session – which farter would suffocate the other?
(Speaking of Lord Hardonis, we have a nom scheduled for that conniving old cunt in the next few days – DA)
8
“Imagine the farts emitted from the scrawny arse of “Lord” Adonis…”
In the immortal words of Bartleby the Scrivener: “I would prefer not to.”
7
I am at an age now where I walk round Tesco’s involuntarily letting out arse gas.
I am also at an age where I would rather have a good shit than a shag. Jesus Christ what the fuck have I become ?
16
A very sad state of affairs FF.
I’m sure that I speak for all your fellow cunters when I extend sympathies.
2
I made the cat wretch the other day, poor old fucker, but funny 😂
11
morning Insignificunt.
I’m putting myself forward to do clinical trials for the poor souls that have beaten Covid but have lost there sense of smell.
10
Morning Fenton, yeah, I’ve been reading a lot about these guys, I’m three and a half years now and these guys seem to have gone/going through identical symptoms as myself. It can be soul destroying. I’m going to write an essay on everything thing I did to make life just that little bit easier and post it on the large groups on the Facebook about the subject. The constant burnt fishy sewage smell one gets can be subdued somewhat I’ve found. And there are ways to eat certain foods without them being overly repulsive.
I’ve not smelled my own farts since late 2017! 🙁
8
Ha Fenton, a good way to out those who say they’ve got it.
Now Greta, can you smell this? (Quack)
No? Then how about THIS?(Brrraaaapppp)
It’d be like the Centurion trying not to react to Biggus Dickus
3
I have a fondness for sprouts. And a real ale habit. Even my Staffie avoids me when I am in walrus farting mode, (ie mostly,) and she is the vilest arsed creature on the planet.
9
Ashleigh is wrong, women have the advantage as they can fanny fart as well. I’d wager when a likely soap dodging vegan femstasi like her queefs it could peel the tiles off of a space shuttle and make her commie chums beg for God’s mercy.
16
This must be a wind up ffs.
9
Sorry your little brown baby arrived prematurely. That’s unfortunate, my condolences.
The boxing-day plop is the highlight of the toiletry calendar. Mine was a perfect 10 this year. Perfectly formed, thick meaty diameter, breached the water line well before it disembarked so there was a silent and motionless entry. Due to its velocity and mass it tried to slither round the u-bend piping but was so gargantuan it could not pass. A beautiful birth indeed.
8
By her logic whoopee cushions should be banned because they are a symbol of male dominance and the non-existent patriarchy.
Surely she is a mental that needs to be locked up. No more of this care in the community for these types.
5
Sometimes you don’t realise how bad you fart in your sleep. I got up two nights ago for a 3am piss, and when I returned to the bedroom, I was greeted by a stench lord carnarvon must have encountered when breaching the seal on tutankhamuns crypt.
9
Beer farts are the worst for me. Mine can make your eyes water. I’ve had to get up and find the air freshener. Mrs has slept in the spare room before after a few nights of Chernobyl arse.
5
I used to do big rippers in public just to embarrass the Mrs. I never did them when walking alone outside. She fucking loved it, of course. I’ve still got the bruises to prove it.
Didn’t realise I was being rapey lol. Thank god that split arse in the photo informed us all.
If a fart is rape, is having a poo murder?
5
I also pretend to be mong sometimes too if we’re out shopping. I go full Joey Deacon sometimes in Tesco.
4
Shittish Gas – Britain’s largest supplier of methane to sofa cushions, underpants and duvets.
2
I want to know why I only start farting an hour or two after having a shit. You’d think they’d come out immediately after I’d cleared the way, but it’s as though they have trouble finding the exit.
3
I love the ones you can actually taste.
2
Got to love a Dutch Oven.
I actually farted under the covers so bad a few years ago that my wife jumped out of bed and was sick in the toilet.
I wonder if that contributed to the divorce?
10
Fuckin hell Little Lord that must have been one rotten fart 😂😂
3
Even made my eyes water it was that bad.
1
An amusing housemate used to announce each morning; whether on this fine day he had awoken in a tent, or in a parachute
2
Being trained in the Martial Farts, I can kill a man with one blow.
6
Help, help, see the oppression inherent in the system!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neZZfPfAdsk
3
Better not hold her face next to my arse when I crack one off after 4 cans and a fish supper.
3
Johnny Fartpants is a legend.
Quonk!
3
A great ‘Viz’ character
2
I have had a few in my life (am 59), that were so bad that they rendered themselves visible.
It can be really frightfully embarrassing to have Piers Morgan pop up next to you..
2
I remember years ago seeing a story in the paper about a university research project into farting (no lie, honest).
After a huge expenditure of public grant money and a lot of time, the main conclusion was;
-mens’ farts are louder, women’s farts are smellier.
I have long wondered at the research methodology which led to this determination.
3
PS That nom pic is a great find Admin; pure comedy gold.
The woman sounds as mad as a box of frogs.
3
In Dublin for the rugby, after a fine evening of Guinness and kebabs, I staggered back to the hotel in the early hours of the morning and rang the doorbell. While waiting for the night porter to open the door, I went for a huge fart and unfortunately followed through. Luckily I was wearing my drinking kilt and the porter arrived to find a steaming, black shite on the doorstep. I had run off in the meantime, with my two friends who were boaking as they went. The incident was the main topic of conversation at breakfast, which luckily I missed, unlike my socks which needed a good laundering.
5
Can I bribe you with a bottle of 25 year old single malt, to repeat this incident on Cranky Mcsturgcunts doorstep?😀
4
I love farting and shitting. Two of life’s most dubitable pleasures.
That’s all.
1
Yeah I always think how me having a good old fart (which I do enjoy pushing out with as much force as possible) is keeping all the fucktard feminist wank pots in their place!
You shower of fucking up your own arse full of your own self importance twats! Fuck right off, I fart loudly because It makes me giggle, it also makes me immature, at 56 I really should have got over it by now, but no I enjoy it and will probably do till the day I die unless all these woke cunts get there way and I becomes illegal in case it upsets some fuckin snowflake
1
Me again, have you ever noticed how all the outspoken wiminz whining cunts are ugly as sin? That’s what should be fuckin outlawed! The are’s faced toads should be licensed to be allowed outdoors, also, fat birds in leggings, now that’s offensive!
2