Could I have a “where’s the fuck my parcel” cunting for Hermes please?
So why am I cunting this shower of dogs vomit excuse of a parcel company?
Is it because when I recently sent my very very rare motorcycle tank off to be panted I watched with dismay as the collection driver followed me out of the drop off point only to hurl the aptly labeled FRAGILE package into the back of his wank pit of a van?
No, although when I confronted him he very nearly followed my parcel head first.
Or possibly when they wrote to tell me a package was out of tariff, by this they meant that during one of there recent audits their EU calibrated scales found my item to be overweight. Apparently my 1500g package weighed 3.5 kilos?
No, although they did drop the case when I politely told them to fuck right off and that my non EU calibrated scales were not 130% inaccurate. They’ve actually tried this trick 3 times over the last 12 months.
Surely it must be when I posted my latest package and their website has shown it in transit for the past month, trying to get help is impossible, you firstly get some automated assistant, “Holly” apparently, after spending 5 mins putting your details in she tells you exactly the same as your tracking details, but then you can move on through the help service, you’re now able to speak the tracking number to a machine, again getting absolutely nowhere other than waiting to at last to speak to an actual person. This turns out to be a cruel ploy to get your hopes up as no fucker ever actually answers. It turns out you cannot contact any one or do fuck all about your missing fucking parcel.
But even all that didn’t boil my piss as much as when trawling through the website I spied on the help page (https://www.myhermes.co.uk/help-and-support/contact-us)
A quaint little picture of the United Kingdom in all its glory, this little sketch shows 6 people standing on the the outline of the U.K. Stood on Ireland there’s a conventional
White male, stood on England are 4 ethnic races, non of them white, but in order to readdress the balance there’s white guy on Scotland, only hang on, the cunts have got him down on one fucking knee! You absolute shower of incompetent disrespectful wankers.
If you ever need a laugh,read the Hermes review page, some comments on there worthy of ISAC.
Nominated by: Doo Man Ted
Hermes are only to be used for shit that you don’t care if or what state it arrives in.
What bike was the tank for, I know old British tanks are outrageously expensive now.
13
I caught Hermes off some slag when younger,
Never goes to entirely.
8
Was she a carrier MNC?
4
Yes Juan,..hod carrier.😀
5
Juan Kmiov – that name is brilliant and always makes me chuckle. I was tempted to use it when I received a scam call from the “Inland Revenue” this morning. But no, I used the old tried and trusted.
Them:
“Could I have your name please Sir” (in what sounded like a Trans-Atlantic Hughie Green drawl).
Me:
“Why, yes, certainly. My name is Ivor Biggun”
Clunk (sound of them hanging up).
6
Paul, you could have used
Inspector Regan of the serious crime squad.
The sound of a wet fart follow through before phone clunk could have been amusing 😂
4
BSA B50 mx, rare as fuck!
0
I had a B40 back in the 80s. Fun when running…..
0
Sixdog, I had a B40 for 10 years, I rode it every day in all weather and there was never a time when it didn’t run. It was a Civil Defence Corps despatch bike and I have always regretted selling it as on reflection it was probably the most reliable bike I have ever owned.
0
The following is a reply to Paul Maskinback.
Many years ago when I had a part-time job at an insurance company, I played a practical joke on a colleague. I called Auckland Hospital and asked for the extension number for the VD clinic. I then left a message on my colleague’s desk asking him to call Dr Klapp on ext. xxxxx (or whatever it was) at Auckland Hospital. He called the hospital’s main switchboard and asked to be put through to “extension number xxxxx” without asking for Dr Klapp (as I’d hoped). When he was connected, he asked for Dr Klapp and was told that “no doctor with that name works here – this is the VD clinic”.
2
I left a message for a newbie (also insurance) to call a C Lyons and the number of London Zoo. It took the thick fucker ages to realize what was going on when he rang.
0
Hate to go against the grain but have never had an issue with Hermes either when I was living in Birmingham or up here in the Lakes.
Royal Mail are the biggest cunts
4
#MeNeither. I’ve used them on several occasions over the last 6 years with no problems.
I use Royal Mail for “large letters” and “small parcels” but have found Hermes to be better for handling heavier or bulkier items.
4
I’ve had loads of stuff delivered by Herpes, never any bother. In fact an item arrived yesterday, exactly within the timescale indicated in their email.
3
#worra cunt
1
Yeah they’re shit.
Anyone know how Vernon got on with the Ifreedom of information request to the BBC asking how many people were interviewed for the position June Sarpong occupies?
4
When the England rugger team need a last minute kicker to boot the oval thing half the pitch, call in Hermes. I’ve seen what they can do
6
Hermes have never actually lost a parcel of mine, but one did go missing and as usual the one that went missing was worth £350. Coincidentally enough it was a motorcycle fuel tank, a vintage Japanese one.
I had exactly the same problem as you did regarding making actual contact Doo Man Ted. After a few hours more by luck than judgement I cracked it. I Googled ‘complain to Hermes CEO’ then send an email to Martin.deLangre@hermes-support-europe.co.uk. I got a reply within a day with a reference number, better than that at the bottom of the email is an actual phone number 0344 5227440. You get to speak to an actual person and they were pretty helpful too. It’s no use just ringing that number off the bat because the first thing they do is ask you for a reference number, if you don’t have one they tell you to send the email and get one.
My tank turned up after six weeks, I traced its journey with the tracking number, the fucking tank did more miles by itself than the bike did. The worst part was I asked them to send it back to me because I had refunded the buyer and had to watch the bloody thing turn up at his address despite them saying Hermes saying my parcel was flagged as return to sender. Luckily the chap we got the tank was an honest John and when I made contact they transferred the money into my account, how it would’ve turned out if he’d of just said fuck off is another guess.
I still use Hermes now and I’ve had no problems. I use Royal Mail next day delivery for expensive small parcels because you are automatically insured up to £500. Hermes for the bigger ones but I always get full insurance if they’re expensive items.
1
There is a way of actually making contact and speaking with somebody in person, because I’ve put an email address and a phone number in my post it’s gone into moderation. The email address is in the public domain, the phone number isn’t. You don’t get the phone number until you get an Hermes email reply. My original post may see the light of day later hopefully, Just in case anybody else ever needs to actually speak to somebody in person there.
2
They delivered a guitar amp
to me that looked like Pete Townsend, Jimi Hendrix and the 9/11 bombers had been fighting over it.
Useless cunts.
9
Hermes – “messenger of the gods” 😁
All carriers are as bad as each other, on occasion, in my experience. Hermes/UPS/FedEx/Royal Mail they all f*ck up on occasion.
Experiences are too numerous to list but I think the “absolute f*ckwits” award probably does go to Hermes who delivered a watch I bought online one Xmas for my son. Got home, note through the letterbox stating “we’ve dropped your delivery over the side gate”. The watch didn’t survive a 6 feet fall onto concrete. I contacted the supplier and arranged return/re-supply. The second watch was broken the same way. On the third attempt a watch actually survived the fall.
6
Hermes are now regarded as one of the heroes of the COVID crisis.
Their work is being regarded as being on par with the NHS. OFFICIAL
So much so that there will be a round of applause for them tomorrow.
It’s expected to take place between 9am and 5pm.
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Didn’t they trial drone deliveries over Warrington Bertie, until Percy took several out of action.
4
I can only assume it was some sort Apocalypse Now / Ride of the Valkyries Vietnam flashback.
2
That’s correct LL!
Parrots are very territorial. He’s pulled many a drone out of the skies.
Still, he’s just been given a contract for accompanying Hermes drones on dangerous deliveries. He’s made up with his uniform, particularly the little wings he wears on his heels.
😀
4
We deal with most couriers daily, and head and shoulders above all others for being utter shit are DHL. Those cunts have done more harm to our business than chinkyflu. As we can’t get our raw materials from the U.K. any more we have to source them abroad, and it gets from the other side of the planet just fine, but once it gets to the DHL sorting depot in Bristol, it’s fucked. If we have three boxes due, we are lucky to get two, if it’s two, then maybe one will arrive. We have been out of stock of certain items since November, because the useless cunts have lost the replacement order three times. How the fuck they are in business is beyond me. We have now told the supplier they can get fucked if the use them again.
They were shit long before Covid and Brexit, but like every other company they are using both as excuses for shit service.
Cunts cunts cunts.
3
Strange. We use DHL as our courier of choice at work and have no problems whatsoever with them. We’ll receive goods from Australia next day, from America usually within 4 – 5 days. Maybe it’s the UK arm of DHL that has given up?
The worst couriers in my experience are the local budget ones, but with bargain basement prices usually comes bargain basement customer service.
The best ones are a crowd called Sub60, who will garuntee delivery anywhere in Auckland within 60 minutes, regardless of rush hour traffic or whatever. The cunts are absolute lunatics on the road, even by NZ standards, but by fuck they’ll get your crap delivered promptly. Pricey service though.
1
White van man has had a bad reputation for years and I guess many of them are total twats but the lad who delivers for Hermes in my area is fine, very polite and he is white which is a bit of a novelty round here 😂
I agree that contacting these companies, Hermes included is a nightmare.
6
Is the bird in the picture on mail order? I would.
1
Never heard of this lot, but can share a tale about Parcel Force.
I recently ordered some goodies for my dad’s birthday. Paid a company (in the UK) the shipping fee for 48 hour delivery via Parcel Force. Package never showed up. Fortunately I’d alerted my mum to expect something, otherwise I’d never have known there was a problem. I looked up the tracking number and what do I see? TWO attempted deliveries and notes having been left by the driver with further instructions.
BULL SHIT!
My mum and dad are very OAPs and never go out, not least because of their age and the ‘rona on the rampage. They’d seen no deliveries and no notes. So Parcel Force had been caught in a blatant lie. I busted them via their Contact Us email system and got a reply several days later. Revealing that they actually don’t give a crap. The package was eventually delivered after my mum got on their CS 0344 number and waited and waited and waited, then busted some dopey Asian slag.
So thanks Parcel Force. No offer to refund my money for a service you didn’t provide and when caught red handed in a lie, you couldn’t care less. Bastards. Rot in hell you scum sucking vermin cunts.
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I’ve looked at their ratings online seems decent. What about the British companies that have gone down the pan because of the goon squad. So many have has ratings that’s why I think google is in control of this bollocks.
3
On those rare occasions a female driver for DPD deliver something to me, I have asked her: “have you been?”, “did you enjoy it?”, “can I join in next time?”… or other variations on the theme of her putative enjoyment of double penetration.
They never get it. I should clearly try being more direct in future.
2
Could be worse could deliver to swingers.
1
I suppose that, on reflection, I am myself a swinger.
I was never worried or phased or remotely concerned by the revelations about Antonia de Sancha and David Mellor, way back when. I was up to the same tricks, although at that time I was in my twenties, and had no inclination towards public office.
Hey ho
1
Herpes are indeed shit and I commend this cunting.
I ordered something for the old mans birthday a few years back. As the date was fast approaching and the gift had not arrived, I contacted the firm I had ordered from. They made some enquires with courier and got back to me very quickly. They confirmed the package had been delivered some 4 days before and was left with the householder….. Mmm. Not me.
They kindly provided a photo of the house that herpes had made the drop to.
Not mine.
We shared the same number, but it was a different property on a different named cunt-de-sac on the other side of the estate. Herpes Wankers in the same league as The Royal Fail. At least the town was right.
It turned out that even bigger cunts were the residents of the house who received the parcel, took it in, signed for it wthout so much as batting an eye lid.
When I challenged them why, as the label clearly had the correct name address, number etc…. they said they were gonna get round to returning it. Yeah, right the cunts. 4 days had elapsed and they hadn’t yet bothered to be to concerned, probably waiting a few days then pilfer it themselves. Anyhow I went back after dark and left a large wood screw wedged under their car tyre.
Off topic but I see Liz Hurley has posted some more half naked pics of her in the snow. I’m going to send her some cock shots and see if she is interested/desperate for some lovin. Show her some proper action after that fat Aussie cricketer and soporific flop haired prossie botherer couldn’t…. She’s clearly needy…..
3
She is still fine looking Mr DiCunty, how that bumbling stuttering bell end Hugh Grant snagged her I’ll never know. I know some kids look a lot like their parents but when her son starts to look more like Liz Hurley than Liz Hurley, you need to start worrying.
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Ha, yes a bit of surgery for sure but a fine piece of arse for sure.
Don’t worry Liberal. I’m not interested in her son in the slightest, but I think there could be something funny in it as he has been taking the photos, allegedly. As for Hugh Grant, I can only wonder that she liked glamourous lifestyle choices he offered. Or some such bollocks cos I don’t reckon he’s got a good one in him… Europhile cunt.
I wonder if she’d let me go to town on the tradesmans, bet she likes a bit of proper rough.
0
That was pretty dull
0
I had a courier contact me and ask if it was alright for him to leave my parcel in the local pub – a mile away! The cheek!
0
This is hilarious!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9DCegy-FCsU
1
If you’re a sender Hermes is dog shit…DOG SHIT
The claim process if they lose (steal) an item is so bad it makes you give up and the extra insurance they charge you for isn’t worth the big of toilet roll I smeared across my arse this morning.
I did use them for Ebay stuff but to be honest but gave that up when the delivered a parcel back to me then lost it on redelivery and the over weight trick they pull on senders is bordering on criminal…
Basically Hermes is run by crooks and the stuff is delivered by mongs in old beaten up cars.
Royal Mail is no better, they lose stuff constantly and their claim system is also designed to put of all but the most determined.
May they all die of a horrible mutation.
0