Peloton [3]

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3 reasons: Firstly, Peloton seems to be one of those words where more letters are used than absolutely necessary. Peloton is just a 7 letter word for Cunt. Secondly, according to advertisments and telly land, Peloton can only be used by darker hue types. Thirdly, it’s an overpriced fad for gullible cunts. Enough said.

Nominated by: BendyDick CùminYaSnatch

And seconded by W. C. Boggs

Seconded BDCYS: Mind you the brainless dark key ladies and bearded blokes, artisans no doubt who the advert use are probably the type with more money than sense – the sort who believe The Archers is a real place a real farm and real people. Viewers taken in by the glycerine liberally sprinkled over the pansies and tarts, thinking it is real sweat are so dense they deserve to be taken to the cleaners.

50 thoughts on “Peloton [3]”

  1. This costs about £8000. Who the fuck has that kind of cash? That’s about 24 years membership at my gym.

    • That’s more than I’ve ever paid for a car. I have an exercise bike I bought a few years ago for about £250, on offer, and it suits me just fine.

    • The chepeast package costs around £3,500 for a 39 month contract. Still a fucking huge whack. The bike itself is not short of £2,000. Nothing but a glorified exercise bike.

      “You smashed it”. No, you smashed some sad cunt’s overdraft.

      A fool and their money…

  2. ” Well done Peloton, you smashed it !
    Unfortunately you’ve just lost your job, due to the China Virus ”
    Time to trade down to a Tebbit 3 Speed Special.
    Gizza job ?
    Get To Fuck.

  3. I bought a bicycle for £35. I can quite easily take it indoors, put it on bands and stick some music on. Simples.

  4. Like a lot of stuff advertised I would buy but it seems to be intended for other than whites. Shame.

    • Peleton the bike for the gullible.
      Theyve also reinvented the ‘Bull worker®’ remember them?
      One in every teenage lads bedroom in late 70s/early 80s.
      This one looks like Optimus Primes arm and is £200.
      I thought they were bollocks,
      But now not so sure,
      Archeologists dig up medival archers whos upperbodies were deformed, too much muscle due to using longbows.
      The first Bullworker.🤪

      • The bull worker was advertised or illustrated by Dave Prowse aka Darth Vader whom we lost recently. I still use one now and it is a good way to keep your muscles in trim once you have them. No good whatsoever for turning a skinny teenager into a he-man however.

        Peleton is a load of wank. Who wants to be shouted at by a yank whilst climbing an imaginary mountain road?
        Fecking stupid and ridiculously expensive

  5. Haha I had no idea it was expensive but it comes as no surprise.
    It’s wholly designed and marketed for Limp Wristed types who want to stay in when it gets a bit cold and dark.
    Naturally the dozy woke cunts would never dream of marching up a big hill to obtain exactly the same benefit for nowt.
    I hope all the peddling makes their knackers dry up.
    Perfect all round cunts one and all.

  6. This is just the sort of crap my fickle ex wife would buy, only to be abandoned for the next fad. Therefore earning it the British kite mark of cunt.
    Anything that involves cunts who say ‘nailed it’ or ‘smashed it’ deserves to have a zyklon shower at the end of it.

  7. Great cunting but I do have one silly question.

    What or who the fuck is a pelaton?

    It sounds like a planet from an old Jon Pertwee Dr Who story…

    • Peloton is French for a ball of wool. It’s what they call the pack of cyclists in a race like the tour de france. I guess they are trying to make some sort of cycling connection. By the way, I have to have a quick cunting, if I may, of fucking cyclists and, what is bow worse, drivers swerving out to give them room, right into oncoming traffic, i.e. me in the Triumph. Stay on your side of t’road you cunts.

  8. I’m all for those who buy into peloton because it means there are less of the cunts on the road. The only thing I do find disturbing is that people may put them in a bedroom, there is only one exertion for the bedroom and it’s not peloton.

  9. If even one pushbiker decides to do their pedalling at home rather than the public roads…I’m all for it.

    • Seconded, Herr Fiddler.

      This pelaton arsebag would seem to be tailored to appeal to the wankers who take all this ever so seriously. You know the types, the most expensive lycra body stocking, the carbon fibre helmet.

      I almost managed to compote one of these cunts on Sunday, who thought it would be a spiffing idea to undertake me when I was just about to turn right at a roundabout and then pull in front of me to turn right.

      I wound the nearside window down as I passed him (deliberately close) after clearing the roundabout and roundly shouted out “you fucking great ringpiece”, much to his consternation.

      • I genuinely expect to appear on one of those “Ronnie Pickering” style you-tube videos..those fucking head-cameras that pushbikers have taken to wearing are a bloody menace..I deliberately leave the number-plates on the pick-up covered in mud just so that I can’t be identified but some Cunt is bound to eventually put a clip of The Hounds and I pulling alongside to shout abuse at them…just a matter of time.

      • Dick@
        Like you I practice defensive and offensive driving!
        My favourite was in traffic in the van, a lycra clad cyclist in the middle of the road to make it hard to overtake him.
        I sped up swerving round him,
        He tried to get his speed up to stop me, I swung back in and then braked!
        His expression as he tried to emergency stop before going face first into the tail lift cheered me up for weeks!!😀

      • I would love to see that:

        “Do you know who I am”?

        “No”

        “I’m Dick Fiddler!”

        “Who?”

        “I’m Dick Fiddler, you cunt”

  10. Oportunity to join me latest online money making venture “Cuntaton”.

    For an exhorbitant pre-paid subscription we send you a (non-returnable at any cost) Chinko made unicycle with a geared retractable spike in the saddle in the region of the gonads. Faster you peddle the higher it goes, slower you cycle you get an increasing electric charge as well (based on award winning Tasar technology).
    Whole shebang controlled by our award winning app on your Chinko smartphone. An exclusive safety feature is our award winning arse clamp to ensure you can never part company from our award winning Cuntaton cycle in the case of a little mishap. No pain, no gain. Release at end of session obtained for a modest payment via app and award winning in-app purchases.

    Are you ready Cunts?
    No pain no gain cunts! Go for it!

  11. My faithful SV1000 has just died, and may be beyond resurrection. It was kind enough not to seize while I was doing (x) mph on it, and it waited until I had no further need to commute. It will be sadly missed if that is the way of it. Best bike I’ve ever owned… *sob*.

    I very much doubt if that will ever be said of a peloton. But as others have said, if it gets the pedal crazies off the highway, fine. If it breaks their bank balances, better still. My next m/c would cost less if I bought it new, which I won’t.

      • It certainly isn’t electrical. Nor is it any of the faults for which the SV1000 is best known. It may just be catastrophic clutch failure, but I’m thinking there’s more to it.

      • Clutch not disengaging (yes, the hydraulics are fine, and the pressure plate is actually moving as required) plus won’t start up even in neutral. Gearbox seems to be functional and will shift clutchless, but I suspect starter motor involvement. I’ll need to have it apart to see if it’s internally wrecked or not. 37 K on clock, not too fussed as I was about to try and anticipate exactly this old-age scenario by chopping it in for something more economical ( though some have gone to to 70K). It paid for itself.

  12. But this is exactly the sort of shit the government loves. Goes perfectly with the ‘new normal’ of never going outside. Just vegetate at home and buy braindead shit you don’t need. ” Now there’s a good consumer, back in your fucking box and buy more shit”.

    Just heard an ad on Talkradio for some fucking game I think (you should cease gaming by 12 years old by the way). Comes with a new nightclub, radio stations and a hotel or something I think. Premium users get use of the virtual night club….” Just shut up, stay in and buy more shit you cunts “. I fucking despair!

    • On TalkRadio yesterday there was the most appalling ad for KFC home delivery because ‘home is so cozy’.

  13. If this keeps the hordes of lyca clad cyclists away from the local roads I’ll buy shares in the company. Otherwise the Peloton is not good because it favours the darker hued and no one in the adverts looks like me, so rampant discrimination is obvious. Time for meds.

  14. Peloton? Nonsense!
    8 grand to sit on a bike in a silly outfit watching a TV screen?
    One born every minute – half the enjoyment of a bike is the fresh air and scenery and a “short twitch” muscle use in a non changing environment will never give the good exercise that you get on a bike in the real world.
    I am thinking of starting a magazine similar to “Golf Twat” Called “Cycle Cunt” which gives out awards for the most stupid and dangerous behaviour – ideally posthumously! 😃👍

  15. This overpriced children’s ride just needs a slot for pound coins and a jolly tune to ride along to, 3 wheels on my wagon for example, or she’ll be comin’ round the mountain, emanating from a tinny sounding speaker on the handle bars.
    Another useless toy for yuppies who see themselves as ‘achievers’, winners, to put in their loft conversion Putney townhouse.
    Pay me 8 grand and I’ll bellow at you through a foghorn while bouncing up and down on a space hopper covered in Laura Ashley floral motifs.
    A cunts tool for sure.

  16. After the previous Peloton cunting I will always associate them with White Goodman.

  17. Now, that is funny ……. made me piss myself.
    Dioclese, you should be at the Palladium!
    BTW – we’re still fuckin’ waiting for his return !!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. Peloton? Sounds like a crappy vilain from the BBC abomination that is Doctor Whoke.

    One can imagine the scenario: Jodie Whittakunt and the cast of Different Strokes fighting the evil Pelotons. Who are actually nasty white heterosexual men from the future who travel through time and who want to kill Rosa Parks, Saint Chicken Floyd George and Meghan Markle Honey Child Ike and Tina Revue Fucking Ono.

  19. Pelaton , for remainers and the extinction Rebel types oh and not forgetting the Karen’s out there,fad of the month soon to be a expensive clothes horse, get to fuck

  20. Did you know that an anagram of ‘Peloton’ is ‘over-priced exercise bike for insufferably smug cheesy-cocked cuntwankers’? You learn something new every day.

  21. All the bicycle mayhem above reminds me of a most satisfying encounter around the Elephant and Castle a while back. Sat in me old motor in heavy stop start traffic (not too clever when you lack synchromesh on the gears and she’s a heavy old beast) so thought fuck it and stayed doggo while a gap built up ahead of me. Needless to say a lycra cunt with road shite spattered all up his arse soon overtook at a crazy speed, nipped in front head down and failed to see an old three box Audi in front. Beautiful polish job on it though.

    Lycra cunt was on a ruggedised trails type bike, no mudguards hence the state of his arse and big wide squishy tyres with tread pattern like octopus tentacles. Bugger me the thing could stop on a sixpence so when the cunt hit the brakes he skidded sideways and lost it over the handlebars, momentum carrying him forward in a little bunny hop till he collided with the boot of the old Audi. Head goes in and hits the boot lid with a very satisfying hollow whack. Darth Vader high gloss skid lid pretty useless to him but by Odin’s Balls the dent was Homeric.

    So lycra cunt bounces back on his arse Ko’d. A Tarantino pause then the driver gets out to remonstrate, a huge black spade it being that type of locality and that type of car. So the moment holds then the traffic starts moving and I crunch me gears and leave the cunts to it. Do I hear sirens? No just a responder cunt on another trails bike.

    Just another day in the Big City (cue crappy jazz horns ’50s style lead out music).

    • A delightful verbal picture, Sir L. Poetic justice is so rarely dispensed, but , oh how satisfying it can be.

  22. I’m guessing that in every 100 homes there are 20 exercise bikes which have been used four times and dumped in the garage by cunts with nothing else better to do than watch the Tour de Pointless on TV and identify, possibly in a gay way, with the participants, until it becomes obvious even to them that pedalling a static machine is about as cuntish an occupation as it gets. Until, that is, the peloton ( or pull it on*) piled cuntion on tosser by adding a video game to the mix.

    But, allowing that the target audience is middleclass, woke, overpaid and slightly overweight, it would not be unreasonable to fit a compulsory generator to each peloton and connect it to the grid. They’d probably generate just about enough juice to power their internet connection, at any rate.

    *Weak, yes, but surely there’s a joke in there somewhere?

    • Interesting to connect some of those up to an electric chair facility in a correctional facility somewhere in deepest Texas specialising in gentlemen of color.

      “C’mon Peloton. Jesus shit ya’ll – we sure gonna boil the sucker’s brains this time. We all gonna do a personal best an’ git the gennelman of color’s pecker stiff.”

  23. People, you don’t need to spend 8 grand. With just 4 items and 4 easy steps you can create your own authentic Peloton experience for a fraction of the price!

    You will need:
    1. Generation 1 iPad, kindle fire or whatever, 25 notes off eBay. Any tablet will do, as long as it can play YouTube.

    2. Bottom of the range exercise bike from Amazon, Argos or the like, 75 quid tops.

    3. A roll of duct tape from any good hardware or household suppler, no more than a fiver!

    4. An internet connection. Taken as a given as anyone reading this will be doing so online.

    Assembly instructions:

    Step 1. Build exercise bike.

    Step 2. Duct tape the tablet to the handle bars.

    Step 3. Search of “Inspirational workout videos” on YouTube.

    Step 4. Enjoy your workout under the instructive guide of a YouTube celebrity!

    There you go, the Peloton experience for less than 100 quid!

  24. Pelocunt indeed. I must confess to being a ‘ Cycling Cunt ‘ but I would sooner have stage 4 diagnosed than sit on a fucking Pelocunt product.

    Fact – pedal as much as you want you will never get to the pub. It is therefore a purchase exclusively for cunts.

    Fact – if you dress up like some cunt from Tron only to stay in, you are a Cunt.

  25. They do a treadmill and subscription too.

    Instread of developing haemeroids,
    you can jog instead.

    I have thought of their advertising line

    “Forget the piles, just keep running miles”

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