Christmas Television

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Lets have a round the telly, Christmas cunting for the upcoming Christmas television schedules. By fuck they have pulled the stops out!

Mrs Brown’s boys
Call the fucking Midwife
The fucking Vicar of fucking Dibley
For woke drama for 7 year olds there is —- Dr fucking Who
The Repair Shop. At fucking Christmas. Thrills and spills.
The Story of SM:TV Live which is apparently about cunt and cunt when they were cheeky young cunts. I cant wait.
And, wait for it – Birds of a Feather. Shite when I was a Lad. Shiter now.
There’s more — Blankety fucking Blank as well as Miranda Hart. I am shitting myself in anticipation.

All this topped off with Mary Berry ‘saving Christmas’

Bring back Rolf and Jimmy. And perhaps Stuart on Its a Christmas Knockout.

Nominated by: Cuntstable Cuntbubble 

89 thoughts on “Christmas Television”

  1. God, i loved i’ts a knockout’.
    Stuart Hall had a infectious laugh didnt he?
    Nowadays I realise its part of his sickness and like the Joker he cant stop,
    “Heeeheee get your knickers off! Haaaahaaaa
    Stop screaming haaaahhaaa
    Ive got a knife hooooohoooohooo…
    Anyway i watch pretty much the same thing every Christmas
    Wonderful life
    Muppets Christmas carol
    Whistle down the wind
    National Lampoon’s Christmas
    Etc
    Only new thing ill be watching is
    “Eddy eats Christmas”
    Former worlds strongest Man
    Eddie Hall filling his face.

    I like Eddie.

    • “Muppets Christmas Carol”

      Excellent choice MNC👍 Best Christmas film ever, and Michael Caine’s only decent acting performance!

      • Its a bit highbrow for me truth be told Robin,
        But yes, its a fine film!!😀😀

      • Thanks for that DCI!👍
        Absolutely brilliant.
        Know Stuart was a naughty boy but he was perfect to present that show!
        Lets ask Trump to pardon him!!😀

      • Hahaha!😀
        Hes mad,bad, and dangerous to know , but I find him funny.
        Id have him presenting everything from the Antiques Roadshow to Dispatches.
        Born to present wasn’t he?
        Cupful of bromide away from being a national treasure..

      • He tried grooming one of my customers daughters years ago, his efforts came to nothing, thanks to her father. It’s a good job for him that nothing happened. Her dad would have fucking killed him.
        Yes, he was funny on IAK. But a sleazy fucker, and, as usual, everybody at the studio knew, and said fuck all.
        Evening, MNC.
        Evening, all.

      • Aye, not anyones ‘go to guy’ for babysitting,
        But good on its a knockout.

        Evening jack👍

      • Jeux sans frontiers did a fuck sight more for European friendship and harmony than those fucking cunts in the EU ever managed.

  3. I actually liked Miranda Hart’s show as a teenager but I haven’t watched it for several years.

  4. Christmas is dead, it’s just an excuse to flog us more shit we don’t need. Awfully nice of the Government to allow us have any sort of Christmas I suppose?

    Looking forward to the BBC Christmas special about the first Christmas ever in the U.K, showing the white invaders occupying this former African Muslim land and towing it back to Europe making the original inhabitants row it all the way.

  5. What about The Great Escape?

    That’s usually on too, nothing more festive than watching some Brits and Yanks fleeing the Krauts. Always entertaining to watch Steve McQueen pursue himself on motorcycles! Ho ho ho.

  6. It was decent in the 80s.
    Now the terrestrial channels have simply given up.
    Baby Jebus and The 3 Wise Men of the Festive Dinghy prefer Internet piracy.
    Good enough for me.

  7. I’m old enough the remember getting excited over the bumper Christmas editions of Radio and TV Times.

    Christmas specials included the Black and White Minstrel Show, ‘Till Death us do Part, Love thy Neighbour and Kick the gays down the street (ok, I made that one up). We had hot female newsreaders like Anna Ford and Selina Scott. And no spaccas on telly apart from Joey Deacon, the kids comedy entertainer. Dark keys were allowed on if they behaved themselves and did comedy ‘Chalkie’ voices, like Lenny Henry did.

    Advertisers wouldn’t dream of having a dark key advertise their product back then. They would’ve gone bust overnight. The only dark key I remember on the adverts was the bloke who said, ‘Fried Onion Rings’ on the McCain Oven Chips advert. It almost bankrupted the company, or I’m just making that bit up.

    Those were the days.

    • Christmas was also great because parents would get the Grattan catalogue among others.

      The see through bra and suspenders pages would be a little worn for some, after they took it to bed to ‘look at the toys’.

      So I heard, anyway.

    • Cuntybollocks, I too remember that dark key in the van,
      “Fried onion rings” sounded dead exotic as a kid!
      I didnt try chinky food till I was 24yr and only curry id tried was that Vesta one with bits of swede in it, felt dead worldly like Alan Whicker or something.

      Hope he never got those onion rings.

    • It was the Birds Eye steakhouse grills advert, builder fellas singing in the back of the van on the way home, know it off by heart

      Will it be chips or jacket spuds
      Will it be salad or frozen peas
      Will it be mushrooms, fried onion rings
      You’ll have to wait and see
      Hope its chips its chips
      We hope its chips its chips
      We hope its chips its chips

      Sad really that a 50 year old bloke remembers early 80’s tv adverts so clearly, but they really were carefree simple times compared to the bollocks of 2020.

    • Comedy has been absolutely fucking murdered by the right on pc brigade. Unfortunately after 20/25 years of relentless fucking hammer by these sad nobs we are left with limp twats like Lee Mack, Romesh what’sisface (who is on everything) or that Geordie div Sarah Milligan who is about as funny as a fire at a children’s home. I don’t know why one of the higher ups at ITV/C4 or wherever don’t just say “fuck it” and lob in a an live hand grenade and bang on a few episodes of something decent like ‘it ain’t half hot mum’ just for old times 👍

    • Well put CB. I’m with you about the “fried onion rings!” Caper lol. I remember my first time setting eyes on a dark key. I was about 7 and with my mum in Newcastle town centre. I saw this niglette black as your hat and I’d never seen anything like it. My mum said “stop staring!” to me lol. Man it was like seeing an alien to me. Thinking about it, that was accurate.

  8. I would like to start my own channel to offer a really diverse Christmas. Here is my schedule

    12 noon Rolf Harris Visits Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital in Rolf Will Fix It
    1 p.m. Striptease from The Steaming Pussycat Club Soho – top of the bill Liza Nandy
    2 pm The David Lammy Black & Black Minstrel Show
    3 pm A Queens Christmas Message – half of Starmer’s shadow cabinet
    3.15 The Brexit Story, including scenes of Lord Adonis and Dominic Grieve topping themselves and Anna Soubry as Brunehilde, reinacting Wagner’s Immoluation Scene from Wagner’s Gotterdamerung with REAL fire
    6 p.m. You Name It & I’ll Do It! a new gameshow with Michael Barrymore – we name it, Barrymore does it, and then he gets eight years hard labour.

    Who could resist?. I think I’ll do a Kickstarter to fund my own TV station

    • 7pm – 10pm: Meet The Markles – Meaghan talks at you for three hours about her lack of privacy and how everyone’s an unenvironmental racist, live from her jet aeroplane.

      • Boxing Day afternoon viewing continues with a minutes silence for St George of the Holy Floyd, Martin Bashir’s now infamous Princess Diana interview and a film double bill of ‘The Fast and the Furious’ and ‘The French Connection’.

      • 10pm – 10:01pm – Prince Harry Gets a Word In.
        10:01 – 10:30pm – Wokeanory. An updated version of Jackanory
        10:30 – 11pm – Britain’s Got Fuck All Talent
        11 – 11:30pm – Some Non-Binary Gender Fluids Do Have ’em

      • I’m thinking in terms of a new whacky, funny, topical, but deeply sincere situation comedy.

        I proudly, if furtively present:

        Bendover Bradshaw, Russell Lloyd-Moyle, Peter Mandelson, Andrew Adonis, Chris Bryant and Jess Phillips in

        There’s Nowt So Queer As Folk

        Set in the Mandelson Home For Distressed Poofs we follow the ups and downs of the residents, under the stern guidance of Matron Jess Phillips.

        It will run and run like On The Buses and Last Of The Summer Wine.

      • I’ll commission it now Captain – can you get some shots of Meg getting her jugs out?

      • She’s an actress Boggsey, how hard will it be?

        “Hello, is that Meaghan’s agent? We’d like her to read for a new role. It requires topless scenes and one with her rubbing her moîst vadge and pouting seductively at the camera.”
        – No chance.
        “Great pay, and also…”
        – She says she’ll do it.

  9. Miranda Hart acts like a spoilt, private-school, only-child who was constantly told she was funny, especially at the huge family gatherings. Because she’s an overweight, dumpling-faced woh-man, Al-Beeb gave her her own TV series. Libtards and cumbrous losers chuckled encouragingly. Nobody along the way has broken the news to her that she’s as funny, and as alluring, as an unflushed toilet after a Flabbotasaurus Boxing Day lunch.

    • I bet you still would though Cap.
      As a vegan, how could you resist Miranda’s Blue bean salad?
      😀👍

      • Looks like the Listerine donkey.
        “Terrible things are happening to donkeys”… Yeah, getting dubbed in Sturgeonesque accents.

      • Many apologies, Herr Cap-I-tan😔
        I must be confusing you with another cunter.
        By your reply, it seems you still would😀 (in the past…)

      • It doesn’t muster a flicker on my flaccid chap, I’m afraid. No matter how much make-up and hair gel she trowels on, she still looks like a grinning, horse-faced shotputter. An unfunny, grinning, horse-faced shotputter.

        However, you sound tempted, CF. A 5-pinter? A drunken stroll back from the pub before being engulfed in her clammy, unfunny chickenwings?

      • He did LL I get Vulcan and vegan confused😀
        I had a veggie burger the other week, and to my shock and deeply held prejudices,
        It was as bloody lovely!👍

      • That is one of my worst fears Miserable! Or eating something believing it to be meat and finding out it wasn’t, like wolf whistling a man with a pony tail.

      • Im unrepentant LL.
        From a takeaway and I don’t trust the cunts with meat,
        My racism conquers my love of eating meat,
        So had a veggie burger,
        Tasty little fucker got to say.
        To level the playing field I could strangle a chicken or something?
        🤪

      • Its late, I don’t think any other cunters have noticed so Fiddler won’t be running you off any country lanes in his Prius hybrid.

      • Dead right, Captain. I wouldn’t fuck Miranda Hart even at gunpoint. And she’s about as funny as having crabs and man flu combined. She’s a plug ugly fat woke turd and a total cunt.

    • Christmas with the Philpotts
      was a flop as was ‘canal cruises with Fred the weather man’.
      I want good entertainment at Christmas,
      Seasonal cheer,
      Cliff Richards, wholesome family viewing not a bunch of sexual deviants.
      Santas a jolly fat man not a zombie cannibal.
      No, its the one time of year I behave myself,honour baby jesus and his glamping jewish parents.
      The whole family will do the same or ill cosh them into a coma with a13in black rubber dildo!!😠
      (Not sure who the dildo belongs too, just turned up and is usedas a draught excluder.)

      • Chris Whitty, in an attempt to give him a personality has made an episode of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ and travelled to the Galapagos Islands to meet the famous giant tortoises for a family reunion.

  10. The worst of Christmas telly is that moaning auld trout Betty Windsor popping up to patronise and try to convince us that she gives a shit. Lazy,Dubonnet-swigging coffin-dodger should get off her arse for once in her life and cook her own dinner instead of ruining mine with her mitherring.

    I like to drop my strides and press my arse cheeks up against the screen as she drones on…”Get a load of that, you workshy old slattern” I scream ” Get that tongue in there,Betty”

    It has become a Fiddler family Christmas tradition.

    • Beats charades Sir F👍
      Is it a plasma screen or a massive led? Plasma gives out more heat so will be like your ancestors warming their posterior in front of a roaring fire, at Fiddler towers – a traditional scene to grace any Christmas card👍

      • It’s actually a very small telly,General….I quickly ditched my cinema-screen size t.v. after making the mistake of putting a porn video in to play and being confronted with the sight of a 6 foot long dark-key dong disappearing into a 2 foot wide fanny….that did me with “giant projection”.

        I’ve never felt quite so inadequate.

  11. Give it 5 more years and it’ll be a criminal offence not to celebrate, take a knee and clap to some trannies rimming during the kids shows.

  12. And if on Boxing Day, some fucking split arse had tried opening her mouth on Match of the Day, Malcolm Allison would’ve shoved his cock into it in seconds flat.

  13. Xmas telly used to be great.
    The Two Ronnies, Les Dawson, Mike Yarwood etc etc
    But these days, just like everything else, it’s fucking shite.
    Probably about time Brendan O’Cuntroll got a cunting.for Mrs Brown’s boys.
    It’s about as funny as having multiple dental extractions.

  14. Watching assorted boring bummers, trannies and “diversity” bollox isnt entertainment. Its torture. Fuck the BBC. Il be having a lovely time with my whole family from 2-86. Boris can stick his rules up his arse and the BBC wont get a look in.

  15. Christmas TV you say?
    The A Team, Flash Gordon, Scrooge (if I was Scrooge I would order that fkin urchin to bring me a frozen turkey then throw it out the window on the little gets head – see how how you enjoy every future Christmas a a quadriplegic – and send your Mother round lad!), the great escape and the dambusters – you can’t beat watching drowning huns for entertainment! (well, they started it by dropping bombs on my Mother!).
    What we will receive is a shitfest of freaks – three wise LGBT travel to visit the gender fluid saviour called the baby They..

    • They will receive gifts of representative of 2020, a now useless Debenhams gift card, a free pack of tampons courtesy of the SNP and a BLM branded face covering.

  16. Bring back Morcambe and Wise or even the Canon and Ball Christmas Special. Or Father Ted. Nothing to touch them now.

    Mrs Brown? Do me a favour. I’d sooner watch the transgender Old Mother Riley frolicking around in “her” petticoats. Wierd. Actually that would be quite topical. The wokes would love it.

    However, it’s not all gloom. I’ve seen trailers for Pointless Celebrities (apt title) with little Owen Jones in his best grey cardigan with a gay partner and jumping for joy when he gets a question right. Priceless.

    Maybe I’ll just settle for Radio 4Xtra and a bottle of brandy.

    • The early Christmas Only Fools & Horses were good. The 1983 one when Del’s father turns up.

      ‘Other people a Christmas get wise men bearing gifts.
      We get a wally with a disease!’

      The later ones were shite though. That fucking ugly man hating bitch, Racquel.

  19. I would love a Christmas Day viewing of Lammy, Abbott and Butler in a cotton field pickin cotton and then getting a flogging for not working fast enough O Lordy!

    Followed by a boat load of channel surfers being deposited mid channel with a let’s see if you can make to the French coast competition Filthy Cunts!

    And as nice little finale of Russel Moyle and Wes Streeting being dry fucked by a big black N…. and see which one screams the loudest Dirty Fuckers!

    What a lovely Christmas.

    • So you want to spend Christmas watching black Cock Sicky?
      😁
      I suggest you go church instead.

      • I knew you would focus on the big black cock MNC, thought it would be your favourite 😂

        Could add Justin Welby getting a good scourging over the alter in Westminster abbey Praise to the Lord!

      • Heehee!!😀👍
        How about sulking thin skinned Matt Hancock getting spanked on worlds Strongest man?

      • … And get Welby-Cuntuar’s flaccid organ, as it segues (segays??) into a choir boy..

  21. A slight side note related to the cultural marxists having had their editorial way with current tv trends…

    I watched some of the Big Breakfast on youtube the other day. I can honestly say it was the best of British. At one point, after enjoying the low slung blouse of Denise Van Oughton for 20 minutes and folding my sides at all the silly, off the wall segments like More Tea Vicar, I found myself in a profound state of sadness, for a time when sexual paranoia, censorship and the professionally offended hadn’t gained a cultural foothold over the jobs of TV commissioners, and thusly spoiled the party for all of us.

    It was funny, witty, action packed, innocent, edgy (especially for 7:30 am), flirty, outrageous and a god damn joy to wake up to. They rarely had a shit presenter. Even Lisa Tarbucks had her redeeming bucksome cleavage to …erm cleave to, along with her huge charms *cough*. You had the late 90’s biggest celebrity, movie star heavy hitters in there, daily: Woody Allen in a shed, Samual L Jackson, Johnny Depp. But, the absolute best thing about it wasn’t just the fine ladies who could make you laugh out loud at full mast, not just the chaos, Johnny Vaughans coke-infused quickness, the camaraderie and comedy of the crew, it was the love of our British culture. It existed at a time when we had a very strong sense of our own unique charm, spirit and pluckiness, our particularly irreverent, yet cheeky sense of humour and our love of laughing at absolutely everyone, but most importantly ourselves.

    Tell me, you haven’t just let out a ‘wistful sigh’ (to borrow a phrase from another comment above) for a bygone time.

    I’m nearly 40 and I can honestly say I fucking miss the relaxed freedom of the 90’s.

  23. I will look forward to the Queen’s speech on Christmas Day

    I hope she’ll be wearing a mask and social distancing?

    No doubt she’ll say its been another “horrible anus” or “anus horribles” whatever.

    Hope she sticks the boot in with Dopey Harry and Migraine Markle

  26. Is he that chinaman with a mouth full of sweets?
    Him and that other chinaman dame Judi Dench should duet. 🙂

  27. it’ a saddened day when you have to be forced into commenting on a traditional tradition over here.

  28. And every single one of the shite programmes mentioned above will have a ‘BAME’ angle or agenda. Without a fucking doubt.

    Steptoe & Son will be shown on BBC 2, edited to bits with all the ‘offensive’ parts cut out.

  29. Will not be watching anything made beyond 1985 this year, so sick off the inaccuracy in everything that is made these days including every fuckin advert where a black man deems a mate of his own race not worthy, even period dramas now have to include parking Stanley’s and Frank Bruno lookalikes, you wouldn’t see a remake of Roots starting Alan Carr would you.!

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