Christmas Crackers

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In the spirit of the season, I would like to cunt Christmas crackers.

From the lame jokes to the crap ‘gifts’, unless you buy a premium set there seems to be absolutely no point to them. And yet in my family we still buy them because it’s tradition.

I enjoy Christmas but bah humbug to these pieces of tat.

Nominated by: General Tso’s Chiggun

49 thoughts on “Christmas Crackers”

  1. The only crackers we bought this year have got Jacobs written on the packet.
    As a kid, you got real penknives, magnifying glass, marbles.
    Now it’s just cheap tat.
    They don’t even make a decent bang.
    £15 for six paper hats and shit jokes.
    Fuck dat👎

    • I only buy one thing for christmas and that’s cards. If somebody gives one to me I give them one back. But I only buy new year cards because they’re cheaper.

  2. Crap aren’t they?
    Paper crown, one of Berties jokes, an some placky bit of shite that wasnt moulded properly.
    You can buy expensive ones!
    Theyre shite as well.
    A paper crown, a fuckin quote!!
    Or tongue twister!
    And something like a Nail file.
    Jesus☹️
    Im going into business with BWC and offering ISAC crackers!!
    A paper hood with eyeholes,
    A proper filthy joke,
    And a flick knife or stick of dynamite.
    Proper toys!
    RRP £75
    ISAC 30% discount.
    Order now for 2021.
    *All missing toys at owners risk.

    • A word of warning MNC – my “Christmas grenades” were not universally well received..
      Ungrateful fkers – they had needed that wall taking out for years!

      • Maybe next time try our seasonal poisons selection?
        Novichok, old school strychnine,
        Even vegan favourite mistletoe for suicidal druids.
        Can cater to all tastes!

  3. Got a fucking yo-yo in mine this year. It unraveled all the way down like some aged labia and didn’t come back up. Even the cracker didn’t go off as the entire piss weak construction just collapsed.

    The only greater waste at Christmas are the bloody lights. I’m surprised no planes have come down and used the street like a fucking runway.

    • I also got a yo-yo in my cracker this year but accidentally knocked it off the table and the fucking dog swallowed it. Everything turned out fine though, as it went through his system with no ill effects. Only problem was he had the same shit five times.

  4. As for the head of pic, if I had of thought about the plastic crap angle I would’ve bought two boxes just to piss off St Spoonface Thunderpants.

  5. I think Crackers are one of the least offensive things about Christmas, ‘the festive season’
    Cunts in the media telling us how they are supporting this that and t’other…

    Fuck Christmas and all it’s bullshit, the only good thing about this year is fucking lockdown.

    Bah, fucking Humbug!

  6. Other than being in the EU it’s the biggest con job perpetrated on the British public ……. 😂

  7. Your not wrong about the lights-people have gone ott with the lights this year.
    The house nearest ours looks like an amusement arcade😢
    Fortunately it’s not visible from our house, only the edge of the driveway.
    Cunts.

  8. Grumble and humbuggery. Christmas is over, one doesn’t care to hear about it again until after Easter.

    • ‘ Eddie, have you got the crackers? ‘

      ” No – it’s just the way my trousers hang ! “

  10. I remember when ‘Christmas Crackers’ would mean the headline for Linda Lusardi with a bit of tinsel around her waist with her baps out on page three.

    The good old days, until the fat lezzas got jealous of the fit birds on page 3 and had them banned.

      • Fair point. Was she a real lezza or just mental at the time?

        I would like video evidence of her (in her prime) lezzing up. Just for proof and peace of mind, of course. If anyone has any?

      • Think it was just a phase,
        Fish on Friday type of thing..
        She was a bit mental, but had a cracking pair on her!👍

    • TT Cuntybollocks@ – The delightful Ms Lusardi had her bits out in a porn mag before the page three stuff – most acceptable!
      So I am told..

  11. Christmas every cunting thing.

    The original pagan festival, the last chance to make Merry before winter set in. Drink your ale or mead, eat as much hog meat as your gut could hold, bang a toothless hag and settle in for the could hard winter stuck in your single room hit with the wife and kids.

    Now it’s spend money on tacky shit that you’d never even consider spending your money on, put up with relatives you’d happily never see again, spend the year trying to pay off the credit card Bill you let the Mrs run up on tat.

    I prefer my Christmas to be simple, relaxing and a time to reflect on how much better beer is when served chilled.

    • Yeah the old pagan Yule was because you had the harvest in,
      And needed cheering up,
      Hence all the evergreen,holly, ivy, mistletoe,
      All the livestock had been fattened,
      And youd feast.
      Toothless hag that Sixdog mentions, is how the expression
      ‘get yer gums round me plums!”
      Came into being.😁

  12. My cracker had a shite hat and a miniscule padlock and key. What the fuck could you secure with a 1 inch padlock?

  13. Cheer up cunters, wait for the feckless and n’er do wells to receive the credit card bill in January. Lots of whining and groaning then. St Mucus of Rashford can go on about the minicunts going hungry again.

    • Go easy on Marcus. His mum couldn’t even afford a load of bread to feed him.

      Shite mum then.

      Even those on the dole can afford bread FFS. Probably spent it all on scratch cards, nights out ‘wiv da girls’ fags, Lambrini and Sky television.

      • Mucus Rashfords mum worked 10 jobs and he still had to eat crusts off birdtables for his dinner?
        Load of shite.
        She was starving him on purpose.

      • Is Mother Rashford White or Black?
        I can’t imagine a black woman working 10 jobs.
        Another possibility:

        She was a brass, the ugliest and most unsuccessful one in her area, giving hand-jobs to OAP’s behind a skip, near the local post office, on Pension day.

        She scratched her twat without washing her hands, one day-Marcus being the result.
        She resented him so much, she didn’t give him turkey twizzlers and chips, like his siblings.

        Possibly 🤔

      • Cuntfinder General: Jezus Christ CG, that was fucking funny. I couldn’t breathe there for a minute or so. Absolutely classic comedy gold. I salute you sir!

  15. If we have a family party I doctor the Christmas Crackers. You type out your own jokes,preferably with the word cunt in the punchline. Just tightly roll the piece of paper up , gently pull open one end of the cracker and insert.

  16. Anyone heard of Paul Embery?
    Hes a Firefighters trade unionist, and a leftwing brexiteer!
    Got sacked for refusing to toe the line and speaking out on brexit.
    Owen Jones & Ash Sarkar hate him, because hes working class and patriotic.
    A interesting man, a brave man, a stubborn man.
    I like him.
    Labour should listen to him they had him in the leaders position theyd win back the Red wall.

    • Have you been reading his book, “Despised: Why the Modern Left Loathes the Working Class”, Mis?
      It sounds interesting if only because it seems to be getting a lot of lefty knickers in a twist (including those of Paul Mason who I loathe). I’m tempted to get it for that reason alone. It’s a bonus if it helps him fund his tribunal case against the Fire Brigades Union.

      • No mr Dribbler, but I’m thinking of buying it.
        Its not often a voice on politics catches my jaded ear,
        But this bloke seems to be someone who speaks his mind and damn the consequences.
        As I say, I like the cut of his jib.

  17. That little comb in the nomination picture looks perfect for men with a moustache. Have I spelt that correctly? A mouth tash. Where does that word come from?

    I used to shave but my hands aren’t quite so steady. I just leave my beard to grow until someone tells me to go to the barbers.

  19. We don’t have Christmas crackers here in California. I miss them I does. So I smoke a big fat doobie instead. One for every day that fat cunt Trump doesn’t sign the bill and one for every day that Uber Cunt Sanders chimes in on matters.

  20. 1. Bang :- Mine did have a healthy ‘BANG’ 👍

    2. Paper hat :- er no. ‘hat’ made of tissue paper, sooo thin that it broke while un-folding. Possible use as a stain glass window if it would stay together. 👎

    3. Joke :- When I can afford an electron microscope, I’ll let you know. Slip of paper with printing sooo small, couldn’t even read it with my glasses.👎

    4. Gift :- a little plastic ‘thing’ – purpose ? Fuck knows ! 👎

    5. Cost : – (orig £5) – bought them after Christmas last year, half price, £2.50 🤏

    Overall Verdict :- I was robbed – won’t bother again.

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