Carrots at Christmas

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I know it is not generally the done thing to say bad things about vegetables, but carrots are an exception that I think may well deserve a cunting.

Hard orange fuckers that take longer to cook than many other vegetables and can lead to overcooking of others eg sprouts. My Nan always used to say that they “added colour to the plate”. What a piss poor recommendation.

Another thing we we were told as nippers was that eating carrots would improve our eyesight. That turned out to be bollocks and just a trick to make us eat them.

At school we were once encouraged to grow a carrot from a carrot top placed in a saucer of water. That was crap too. Mine and my mate Bob’s carrots just rotted.

As if this list were not enough, I saw an ad on TV the other night wherein a fucking carrot was giving advice on how to shop safely during Christmas. The cunt was even wearing a fucking mask so that it din’t get Covid 19. Who in the name of all that is holy takes safety advice from a bastard carrot? Maybe that retard Hancock?

Fuck carrots, I am sticking to parsnips and swede when it comes to root veg this Christmas.

Nominated by: Twenty Thousand Cunts Under the Sea

61 thoughts on “Carrots at Christmas”

  1. I like Carrots-with roasts, stir fry’s, raw, grated over salads, when bribing female police horses😉😂.
    Seriously-learn to love carrots.

    • Twenty Im not taking advice from vegetables be it kevin carrot or Chris Whitty.
      Vegans fawn all over them, but what do they know?
      Carrots spend most of their time neck deep in shite hiding from rabbits,
      So cowards and unsanitary types.
      Although something about a firm young carrot?
      It has mystery!
      Better than geraniums!
      Flowers are essentially tarts,
      Prostitutes for the bees…

      • I stole it CG,
        Its uncle Monty from the film ‘withnail & I”.
        Always dropping film quotes and music lyrics in,
        It amuses me, simple things amuse simple people..😁

      • Aha.
        I know Penrith quite well Mis-its fucking grim and full of strange inbred farmer types (yowkers).
        If you go into that Tea Rooms and demand “the finest wines known to humanity”, a fucking carrot may well be the least of your problems😙

  3. Sorry I can’t put carrots in Room 101, not when there’s carrot cake, honey glazed carrots and even raw grated carrot. Terrific stuff.

    Still have some Chantenays in the veg patch that I planted in August. Took some out a couple of weeks ago and they were fine.

    • Evening Cuntologist!
      You looking forward to Christmas?
      Like you my old mums quite creative, shes made missus Miserable a massive door wreath, looks nice!👍
      The dogs done well for presents this year, more than ive got under the tree anyway!

      • Yes I’m looking forward to Christmas! Nice of your Mum to make something like that, tip top.

        I’m in craft heaven. Currently doing up some Louis chairs for my Christmas dining table! Got them off Ebay a few months ago, cheap as chips. It took me a few days to strip off the old fabric and remove the staples and sand the things. Just finished painting them, tomorrow and Sunday reupholster. Nail head trim arrives tomorrow. I might have to go out and get more flippin’ staples. Also waiting for the poly varnish coat I put on this morning to go off on my dining table that had to be sanded and dyed. Some jobs you start and wish you never! Still got to go and get fronds from the woods to make garlands, get a Christmas tree and do a bit of food shopping.

        The 2 dogs have their presents here ready to be wrapped- 20 used tennis balls off Ebay (so much cheaper than ‘pet shops’ – they deserve a cunting btw.) Last year I wrapped up balls for the dogs and one of them (the one that could have been one of those Spaniel sniffer dogs) could tell what it was and started ripping into it on Christmas Eve! She left all the other pressies alone. So this year will put out the wrapped pressies on the big day and say ‘Find It’ and see what happens!

        Saw a nice recipe for home made chocolate truffles courtesy of Chef John on You Tube. Looks really straightforward so will be making those too. Turkey Ballontine for the big day and home made Cranberry sauce. Need to defrost the turkey and remove the bone etc. Wish me luck. I half expect the bloody turkey to be still frozen on the 25th. Might have to do the bucket method and refresh the water every half hour to defrost it.

        Merry Christmas to you and all Cunters!

  4. I can’t abide British food at Christmas (love it during our winter) as it’s so fucking hot here, around 40°c worse with the humidity in the north. I can’t blame you 20k cunts for hating carrots, everyone has a vegetable they hate. I fucking hate peas, especially when minted always have done, fucking devils clinkers.

  6. I don’t like genetically modified carrots. No, it’s got to be pure 24 carat carrot for me.

  7. There’s a 1kg bag of frozen baby carrots ominously lodged in our freezer. No idea what they’re doing there cos no-one in our household eats carrots. Says on the packaging they’re “suitable for vegans”.

    Maybe someone on Facefuck said they make great clitoral stimulators? Probably Lady C’s idea of a sick joke.

    She’s off to MNC’s gaff for Christmas, hee-hee. Les Miserables won’t know what’s hit them! 😂

    Used to eat a lot of raw carrots in my callous youth. Can’t be arsed with them nowadays.

    • Ruff, does lady Creampuff have a drink at yuletide?
      My missus doesn’t drink,
      Nor my dad.
      But I do, I see it as a duty.
      As a act of religious sacrement.
      And I intent to be quite holy over the festive period.😀

      • Lady C is somewhat partial to Croft original Sherry. She’ll be getting four litres for Xmas – one from me, the other three from the cats. She used to like Pernod, but not so much now.

        As you may already know, I stopped drinking about 12 years ago, but for this shite year I’m going to treat myself to a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Yes, I know it sounds a bit poofy, but frankly my dears I could not give damn.

      • It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, as long as you get enjoyment from it?
        Fuck anyone else.
        I like a egg flip, amongst other things.
        A bit ducky? Good!😀
        I enjoy it, thats all I care about.
        Dont like Pernod though!
        Like a million aniseed balls..

      • Don’t knock Bailey’s Ruff. It’s a very respectable drink. I don’t drink it myself but have given it to many people for a present.

      • Baileys is a great drink. I like it a too much! I bought a big bottle a month ago saying ‘that’s for Christmas’, drank it, bought another one a couple of weeks ago, that’s gone as well.

    • I bought Bailey cream as present for a few folk-always goes down well.
      I drank a whole litre bottle a couple of years ago, at a family party-(wasn’t driving👍)-woke up next morning like I had been drinking milk. only downsize-it is full of calories.

      In the 80’s, Pernod & black was the drink of wannabe “sophisticates” and young cunts alike-many a wild adventure started with a bottle of Pernod, for this cunter😃
      Happy days!!!

    • Cuntologist:

      Try Jack Daniels Tennesee Honey-its more “moreish” than Baileys.
      I bought 6x bottles for Christmas last Friday-just had to buy 4 more this afternoon😚
      Lovely👍

      • Never heard of this JD honey thing until now! I wonder if it works on Chicken Wings as a marinade for a barbie as well???

        Cuntfinder General, I wish you a merry JD Honey Christmas! Good for you 🙂 I think I’ll give it a try for sure.

  8. Stick em in the oven with your parsons nips. Lovely. 19p in Aldi until Christmas. Along with spuds, sprouts and summat else I can’t remember.

  9. Don’t mind carrots, or peas come to that.

    But you put a Brussels Sprout on my plate, and I will do bloody murder!

    Hate the bastard things

    • Brussell Sprouts are quite good with bacon, I shit ye not. Boiled sprouts on their own are horrific!

      • Off top of my head, Delia Smith did a decent sprout recipe, think it was with smoked bacon and riesling.
        Happy Christmas all!!

  10. Just been reading about this. Did you know 45% of all carrots are grown in China !
    The thing about eye sight was a ploy by the RAF during the war to hide the fact they were developing radar…..

    Jasper carrot….now there’s a cunt.

  12. Chantenay carrots are the king of carrots. First of all, forgive them for originating in France – (we’ve been catching them from French waters for many years.)
    They’re deliciously sweet along with parsnips, roasted with a drizzle of maple syrup or honey. Percy loves ‘em. His motto at Christmas is “there’s nothing finer for a parrot than a carrot.”

    • Evening Bertie-after consultation with the household, Percy Parrot is welcome to form a Christmas “Bubble” with us.
      My 2x rescue cats are busy decorating him a nice cage-next to the microwave????😸

      • He’ll love that General. Mind you, he won’t take any shit from cats! As long as he’s respected, then he’ll be quite happy!

    • Love Christmas dinner me!
      Pigs in blankets!♥️
      Sage & onion stuffing, cranberry, turkey, just marvelous.
      Its the pinnacle of civilization,
      Johnny foreigners cant create something that good!
      Its Christendom in all its glory,
      With gravy,
      Its the British Empire on a plate!🇬🇧🇬🇧
      Merry Christmas cunters!!🌲⛄

      • You stir my loins Mis. I’ve decided that Stockport is the centre of the Empire!

  13. Carrots are beautiful boiled (teaspoon of sugar in the water) and mashed roughly with swede and butter – or roasted in the oven with a bit of butter on and underneath and basted with the meat juice – most good!
    And if boiled carrots then diced never Julienned!

    • I’ve had to endure Masterchef this week as Mrs K is well into it, it finished last night thank fuck. This site is a sanctuary to browse and comment when I feel the need to get away from mundane shit, I have just broken into a sweat thinking I’m having a fucking nightmare that fellow cunters have started a fucking cookery forum. Get a grip Rob it’s not really happening is it ?

  14. Owen Jones loves a baby carrot. He just pops one up his arsehole when he awakes and he is then fit to take on the world.

    • I guess that’s why under cover of the dark winter nights, he can spot another talking arsehole coming a mile off.

  15. I used to go out with a great and intelligent bird, a college teacher. She looked like a young Shirley MacLaine with glasses and she swore by carrot juice. Used to drink it every day and said it improved her eyesight. She was also stacked and I remember the tight pink jumper she used to wear. I don’t often lament or regret parting with any of my exes, but I do with this one. She was a great girl and she now teaches in Japan.

    Ah bollocks. Time for a brandy…

    • Aah-but Norm, how privileged we are to have these memories👍

      Serious question:

      If you had the choice of a Groundhog Day, would you choose:

      -a day and night in bed with your favourite ex/present partner, actually going back in time.

      Or

      -being at the treble year champions league final.

      ????😀

      • Well, I was at the 1999 European Cup Final with my dad. We also did the 2008 one too. He actually died just after we got back from the 2008 European Final in Moscow.

        To be honest, CG, it probably would be a favourite ex. Either the aforementioned college teacher (name of Helen) or a lovely Italian bird I met when I was travelling Europe in my younger days (name of Cinzia). As you say, memories…

      • Sorry you lost your Dad mate- but what tremendous memories and shared passions 👏👏👏

        I concur-I would re-run a special time with a special laydee😃

      • Cheers, CG.
        The old man followed United since the end of the war and he saw all the greats and the Busby Babes. I still have his programmes, scrap books, the Munich Air Crash press cuttings and the photos of him with George Best. He had a great time in Russia, but it was the last one. But I treasure the look on his face: when that cunt John Terry fell on his arse in the Moscow night.

  16. That fizzog of Saint Greta of Thunderclap Newmanberg at the top of the page always bends my head.

    It looks like Ross Kemp doing the Mona Lisa.

      • I see Greater Manchester Police chief Ian Hopkins has stood down Norman, quietly retiring on a fat pension or fucking off to the private sector for two days ‘work’ a week no doubt. Just that Bambi eyed weasel dicked cunt Burnham now.

      • Burnham has to be next, LL. He has to be brought to book, he’s a pure cunt.

        I would bring back Jimmy Anderton.

      • Fuck me Norm I remember Anderton. What a cunt. Tried to stop us going to the Willows on a Sunday. Also very dodgy re Stalker.
        A pious, hypocritical cunt.

  17. It’s probably thanks to Verhoffscunt that Lippy SpawnTalking acquired the Thunderclap in the first place. And coming from area of Europe, his fist and piss likely had something to do with it and all.

  19. If you’re having Champagne over the Christmas period and you find yourself having trouble opening the bottle, my advice is to hit it with a ship….always seems to work on the TV….

    • 😀 😀

      I think you’re onto something there… “And now, in a change to this afternoon’s advertised Xmas Day entertainment, we present a ship that launched into a thousand faces (of 2020)”.

  21. The BS about carrots being good for eyesight goes back to the Second World War, when John ‘cats eyes’ Cunningham, who was at the time Britain’s leading night fighter pilot attributed his superior night vision to eating lots of carrots, and had fuck all to do with the top secret airborne interception radar that was used to successfully hunt his prey.

  23. Dear Christ. There’s some heavy perversion among carrot-chewing cunters isn’t there? I’m sorry, but the only acceptable seasoning for carrots (or any other vegetable) is salt and pepper. Sugar, you calorie-glutted infantilised…damn, can’t call you that….honey….maple fucking syrup?

    I eat them only for dietary balance and to assist regularity; give me a Brussels sprout any day for choice.

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