Witches

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Witches are cunts, aren’t they.

‘Double double toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble‘

It’s difficult enough being president, fighting impeachment, having ‘Big Tech’ censor the opposition but allowing rumours thrown at you, whilst simultaneously battling for re-election. Trump now has to face a new foe: Witches.

No, this isnt a Harry Potter gag or a Halloween jest. Witches who oppose President Trump are planning to cast a “binding spell” on his administration. This is nothing new. Witches have been trying to cast spells against Trump since his inauguration in 2017. This one was on 25th October.

It’s the 21st century. Psh. Witches.

People who pretend to be witches think they look sexy like that ‘Bewitched’ blonde from the 1960s or those ones Jack Nicholson ploughed in Eastwick in the 80s, though in reality they resemble the Wizard of Oz green-faced one, the warty Disney ones, Hazel McSturgeon from Rentaghost, or Theresa May.

Incidentally, The Witches is an imaginative Roald Dahl book that was made into a film in the 90s and has now been re-made with a more “diverse cast” as well as that irritating, grinning, one-trick pony Anne Hathaway cunt.

Fuck people who think they’re witches. Just because you have long hair, live alone with seven teeth and six cats, cackle insanely, don’t bathe, and like purple, it doesn’t mean you’re mystical; it means you’re an ugly, unkempt cunt.

Nominated by: Captain Magnanimous

80 thoughts on “Witches”

  1. Sorry, I completely forgot to read the nomination so engrossed was I with Elizabeth Montgomery’s upturned arse!

    Now then. What were we talking about again?

  2. Anneliese Dodds falls into the witch category, looks like she needs a good bath and then hosed down…

    • AnalEase sounds the ideal name for a rebranding of Preparation H, sorely needed by Mandy after a night on Hampstead Heath.

      Certainly she, Phillips and Soubry could play the “Three wierd sisters” in the Scottish play.

    • I’d like to see Anal Ease Bosshog fall into a black hole.
      I’d wipe my chap all over Lizzie M though.

  4. I didn’t know this until a few minutes ago – apparently there exists “white witches”

    These are good witches who cast good helpful spells and are good healers etc.

    Not too surprised to find that a black witch is the direct opposite – they are evil cunts.

    However, once the woke brigade find out white witches will be branded racists and kicked out of town.

    Black Witches Spells Matter

    • I’ve encountered a couple of white witches, but they were both fat and ugly as sin.
      Most disappointing.
      The search continues ……..
      Good afternoon.

      • Surely saying that youre a “good witch” is like saying youre a “good rapist”?

    • We had an office cleaner at the tannery where I worked in the ‘70s who was a white witch. I came into work one day and I had a bad stomach, I was right poorly. She sat me down in a chair, rubbed her hand over my stomach, cast a spell, and told me to sit there for 2 minutes. I got up and was right as rain.
      I was invited to a witches gathering by another white witch but I was a virgin at the time and I thought I might be the sacrifice, I have always regretted not going.
      A mate of mine told me they had their meetings down by Rushden Lakes and danced naked around a bonfire. Rushden Lakes is now a shopping precinct, I don’t think all the changes over the years have been for the better.

  7. Being a witch is what ugly munts do who can’t afford plastic surgery to reconfigure their hideous features. Eye of Newt is way cheaper. Unfortunately, spells don’t do shit, so you’re going to (still) die alone, you miserable fanny.

    Why bother anyway when you can outsource to Mr Okinewa Mustafi from Botswana. Guaranteed to win back your lost love with his spells!

  9. There are plenty of witches living today although as the Captain points out, they’re really ugly old dears who fail to put in the effort. The only magic they provide is to frighten the horses.

    • One of my customers a witch.
      In fact met quite a few,
      Harmless really, give themselves names like phoenix or Raindrops an stuff.
      Never look like Kate Bush 💪💪
      They seem to like big bearded cunts though,
      Suppose im a fertility god,
      Touch of the wild hunt about me,
      Long as they have ££ they can ride my broomstick..😀

  10. Ambivalent about witches to be honest. However, I fucking hate warlocks. Just opportunist cunts who hope to get their leg over at satanic rituals such as those described by Dennis Wheatley and so effectively portrayed by Hammer. Aleister Crowley was definitely up to no good.

    • Apparently Crowley had a family member (aunt ?) whom he detested, who lived in Croydon. When the place was bombed during WWII, AC was enraged to hear his relative had survived unscathed, so he wrote personally to Fat Hermann of the Luftwaffe, enclosing the relative’s address, and imploring him to be more accurate next time around…

      • Aleister Crowley ‘the wickedest man on earth’ would of loved ISAC!!😁
        Hed be a regular on here,
        Hes on the cover of sgt Peppers,
        As is Johnny Weissmuller
        “UNGOWWA CHEETA UNGOWWA!!

      • I agree. I reckon Big Peter Grant and John Bonham would have loved ISAC too.

        I’ve seen the version of Pepper Sgt with Hitler on it.

      • Norm, bet loads of the old guard rockers would love ISAC!
        Ginger Baker would be a great cunter!
        Upsetting everyone, arguing, holding court etc.
        And Keith Moon😀👍

      • Honorary ISAC members:

        Ginger Baker
        Viv Stanshall
        Frank Zappa
        Keith Moon
        Peter Grant
        John Bonham
        Steve Marriott
        Ray Davies
        Jean Jacques Burnel

      • Peter Cook would have been an excellent cunter.
        But the man for any cunt to really fear, would be
        ……. Bomber Harris.
        Don’t be a cunt when Sir Arthur’s around.
        Or you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of a thousand bomber raid.
        Hitler was a cunt, and look what happened to him.
        Good evening.

  11. Cap Maggie@
    Witches have interfered in politics before.
    British witches cast a spell against Hitler and the Luftwaffe during WW2.
    The grandaddy of modern witches is a bloke called Gerald Gardner worth a google if bored, a interesting eccentric sexual deviant.

    • @Mis

      Gerald was thrown out of the Masons. Also kicked out of a naturist club, with many young, female members….work that one out😉

  12. Aah Gerald-the father of Wiccan, a misogynist chancer who made up a cult with bits of Crowley’s Magik and buts of Masonic practice.
    I particularly admire the wat he replaced his high priestess, when a younger model came along- indoctrination by inserting his winkle inside them😂😂😂.
    Blessed be Gezza😉

    Now libtards have taken Wicca as a feminist movement-despite Wiccan meaning “male witch”.
    The dull cunts😂😂😂

    • Gardner was a plagiarising hack, and, like Crowley, was always looking for, as chancers of his ilk would say today, ‘a new revenue stream’.

      I’d have to do a bit of digging through the boxes of the dead tree books to find it, but I’m sure I’ve got one which details the fact that Crowley and Gardner collaborated on the original wicca/witchery moneymaking scheme..Gardner profiting primarily, but with old Crowley using it as a filter/lure for suitable potential recruits (a.k.a gullible rich female suckers) for his own fun schemes.

  13. I do encourage a new Witchfinder General who will extra powers to root out the woke and other instruments of The Devil.
    Then chuck the cunts in the nearest moat.

  15. Jesus titty fucking Christ!

    They clearly know nothing of paganism, Witches or the Witchy ways.

    Any twat who says they can cast a binding spell is at best a look at me cunt and at worst dabbling in things they don’t understand.

    To give you a clue, any energy that you send out into the world will come back to you threefold. Send out wishes of harm and that is exactly what is coming back your way… With knobs on.

    Any Witch worth their salt would know this.

    • OB@
      In the 70s Alex Sanders lived near me for a while.
      He held rituals in the woods nearby and and carved out a place in the woods.
      We called it the ‘witches circle’ as youngsters and go there to underage drink and listen to Heavy Rock.😊

      • Oddly, we used to drink and listen to heavy rock in Oxleas woods. A few hundred yards from where Stephen Lawrence got slotted.

        Coincidence? Absolutely.

        We used to hang out there to avoid the kind of cunts that topped St. Stephen.

      • In the woods not a million miles from where I’m typing this…
        Through the 70’s there were rumours of Satanic rituals being carried out at a secret ‘place of power’, a ‘stone circle in the ground’ (the words of a muppet who believed in this nonsense)

        Being an inquisitive bugger, I had to have a look, as the ‘stone circle in the ground’ bit really intrigued me.

        Eventually found the place, nearly died laughing..the circle turned out to be a mostly buried and overgrown 70+ years old (going by the size of the trees surrounding it) circular septic tank belonging to a long-vanished farmhouse, capped with a fairly rough concrete mix…an undoubted unhallowed site, an ancient and potent repository of dark and terrible, umm, dooings, whose arcane powers they tried to raise up and channel.

        Sums up our local 70’s Satanists…fucking shitheads through and through…

  16. As a teen, on holiday with family in Cheshire, a few of us went to Delamere Forest and came upon a load of naked fuckers, dancing around a massive bonfire-found out there was a local coven.
    My cousin, some years later was having a party in the sandstone caves near Pekforton, waiting for the rest of his mates to arrive, a load of robbed up bods turned up, carrying flaming torches.
    He shit himself and “fucked off” sharpish, as they say.

    • I know Delemere Forest well CG!
      Took the kids when they were younger, that ‘go ape’ activity thing, climbing, aerial ziplines etc.
      They loved it! Me too😁

      Up in the peaks is a neolithic stone circle on stanton moor,
      Theres a old oak tree there its branches covered in ribbons, corn dollies, pentagrams etc.
      I like it, adds atmosphere!

      • Same thing at West Kennett long barrow, near Silbury Hill, Mis👍
        Delamere is brilliant-used to love going there with my older cousins, lots of free drink in my younger teenage years, later birds👍

    • Delamere Forest is excellent for picnics and shagging, ( in clement weather ).
      Pork pie, trifle and a leg over, to the accompaniment of gentle birdsong.
      Magic.

  17. Witchcraft? Witches? Just pretentious, new-age, hippy knobends.
    It’s a load of superstitious, post hoc ergo propter hoc nonsense like prayer, spiritual healing and homeopathy.

    Only wamen seem to believe in witchcraft. The ones who practice this are probably the ones who are so bloody useless they have to play make believe in order to think they’ve achieved something in life or that they have control over anything (It must be frustrating not to be able to switch off the red tap at will).

    • While we’re waiting for the American Election results can I ask you TITS indeed other cunters do you carry a lucky charm?

      • No I don’t but sometimes I inexplicably cup myself when I’m panicky. Can’t quite explain it.

      • I used to have my ‘lucky’ red Y-Fronts. But they got binned after the 1976 FA Cup Final (Bobby fucking Stokes).

      • Bit before my time Norman but that must have been a shock losing that day.
        I love how the old FA Cup final used to be among the sporting biggest days of the year.

    • Lots of mentalists and social outcasts, awkwards following Wicca.
      I bet the right type of charismatic cunt could milk it like a prize cow-fanny in tap😉

      • I suppose what I’m getting at TITS is that many ‘rational’ people like your good self who slag off ‘superstitious’ religion run their lives by having to have their lucky charm on them at all times, go through little ‘rituals’ before leaving the house or going for an important apointment, won’t walk under ladders, will always touch wood when they say ‘touch wood’.
        Then they say they’re against all ‘superstition’ when talking about religion.

        .

      • @Miles Plastic Thanks for that clarification. A missing word here or there makes all the difference.

      • As I said, the only thing I touch before leaving the house (most noteably before something as stressfully-important as an interview) is my penis but not for superstitious reasons.

        Years ago when I was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome (not joking) I was also tested for the comorbid disorders Aspergers, ADHD and OCD.

        I was found to be high in diagnostic traits of all of them… the OCD thing would explain why I excessively check that I’ve turned off lights, locked doors, locked the car door, pulled my penis etc.

  18. I used to love Bewitched as a young lad……. and I Dream of Jeannie. I wonder if there is a connection?!

    • You like sexy magical blondes?
      I suffer the same thing TITS.
      Nowt to worry about, embrace it!!😁

      • But they were both from the 60’s so they undoubtedly had unsexy, unmagical, blonde bushes. I started my fish dinners at the turn of the millennium so that shit is strictly off the menu for me.

      • You young un’s need to experience “all” life has to offer😉
        Nothing wrong with a nice but o’ Bush👍

      • Big hairy minge like nature intended!♥️♥️
        Lovely💪
        Im not into these skinhead fannies CG.
        Not opposed to them, but prefer the ‘natural’
        Pull down her knickers an its like the top of Art Garfunkels head.

      • Art Garfunkel’s hair was like an Afro “bush”😃
        Paul Simon certainly thought he was a cunt, at one time, too.

        With a beard like Gandalf Stormcrow, you need to be a bit carful Mis, if you got really “entangled”, a set of garden shears might need to be employed😂

      • Hey General, I live in an area where there are shit loads of hippies who are the 1st and 2nd generation descendants from a nearby hippy commune that settled in the 60’s.

        As a result I’ve had my fair share of hairy fannies and pubic flossing…… can’t say I care much for it.

  20. Just curious but why do so many men revere women’s shitters? The gays obviously have no choice besides the chocolate whizzway, but straight men already have the tuna vortex at their disposal.

    • Well, because it’s as tight as fuck and is a great domination and control tool – at least for the 30 seconds I last. Stick her in front of a mirror whilst you do it and watch her face. Fucking love it! 😁

  21. ‘Fuck people who think they’re witches. Just because you have long hair, live alone with seven teeth and six cats, cackle insanely, don’t bathe, and like purple, it doesn’t mean you’re mystical; it means you’re an ugly, unkempt cunt.’

    Thank you Captain, that made me laugh aloud.

    Witches are always fat. I like fat birds but I wonder why you only see skinny witches in fairy tales.

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