A pebble dashed, burning ring cunting for that diabolical malady with the Medical term of “Gastric Upset ” but better described as “a dose of the Screaming Shits. ”
For two days now I have not been able to be more than a few steps away from the throne as the bubbling volcano in my guts keeps erupting without warning. All I have had to eat is dry toast and am trying to keep hydrated.
I suspect it all started from a dodgy seafood Pizza. I have never had it as bad as this before. My freckle is red raw from all the scouring and blotting.
Any fellow cunters know of a quick cure? Immodium has done fuck all and the antibiotics have not kicked in.
Nominated by: Grumpy Old Cunt
(Enjoy your breakfast! – Admin)
Last year I got three bouts of this. Went to the doctor and he said to see if there was anything wrong. He said I’d been unlucky to get three separate lots. Nice diagnosis.
This picture made me laugh…
https://mikesplace2017.wordpress.com/2020/08/10/picture-of-the-day-47/#more-12484
5
Bisto gravy powder.
Won’t stop it but will thicken it up.
35
Chamomile tea will settle the stomach.
Stick with the dry toast, but go easy on the immodium.
One too many and you will be completely blocked up for days. The end result of which will make giving birth feel like a mild follow through.
11
My real apologies, but what poetic justice it would have been if Dame Kweer and the Rayner woman had been overcome by a dose of the shits during the taking the knee ceremony. That cornflower suit would have looked even more photogenic with a big brown patch on the trousers.
14
Sad to say, but having suffered all my life from “dodgy guts”, just try and let it pass. If it’s genuine food poisoning (sounds very likely; my worst run-in was some seafood) you don’t want to take any meds that would help retain the stuff in your system. It’s a bastard. You have my sympathy, believe me. Shower the bumhole with tepid water, then cold; eventually it dulls the dog-awful pain.
7
Seafood can be a right cunt. Some dodgy cockles once put me off work for a week.
Plenty of water and Arrowroot biscuits are an old remedy. (Just don’t shove them up your arse! – admin) But I think these things just have to run their course.
Good morning.
7
Extra hot beef vindaloo and 6 pints of lager and she will be apples.
15
A spoonful of Portland cement powder taken as a rectal suppository should put an end to your skiddy knickers problem.
Glad to help,GOC.
15
Kaolin & Morphine mixture plus 2 soluble Co-codamol every six hours and drink plenty of water. Both available over the counter. You might even get a mild buzz as a bonus!
13
Fast for 24hrs, no medicines or drugs, after all its your carefree hedonistic lifestyle that got you in this mess!
Keep hydrated, then dry toast and ginger biscuits, pregnant ladies have ginger biscuits when feeling sick, buy them in Aldi.
8
I’m pretty sure that Kaolin and Morphine hasn’t been available for some time. Certainly nowhere I’ve asked for it.
6
Last time I bought a bottle was 2015, still got half of it in the cupboard, 4 years past its use by date. Maybe only available on prescription now?
3
I’ve asked at least 2 chemists that have never heard of it.
4
Same thing with Indian Brandee, great stuff which has simply vanished and which again, when asked, several chemists had never heard of.
3
I always reached for the Imodium at the first sign of a problem but was advised that, as HBH says, to have it out of the system instead of in is a far better alternative. If you see what Coca-Cola does to a 2p coin then you will know why it acts as a good scourer. I only take Imodium now if I am traveling and have a problem.
7
Not that it will stop the creative shart piece on your toilet porcelain but a bidet attachment would go easier than sanding your balloon knot down to nothing.
12
I would suggest some overwhelming stodge like a big mac. You’ll have one big blow-out and then you’ll be fine.
7
How long ago was this plea written, before Admin posted it ? Poor GOC may well have shat himself to a frazzle by now…
(According to the logs (ha!) it was processed around 31st July. Poor bugger! – Day Admin)
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Indeed Seymour. It took two days after I posted to get back to normal. Thanks for your concern lads.
(Glad you’re feeling better, GOC – Day Admin)
9
Theres a Kevin Bloody Wilson song called i,ll Bali Belly that describes this perfectly, seafood pizza is always gonna be dodgy anyway…..
4
Which hospital is he in?
2
Diarolyte?If that helps
4
Drink – nothing but still water for 24 hrs
Food – Wheetabix & a little warm milk
Bum – Vaseline & sit on a VERY soft cushion
May the Lord bless you & help you in your hour of need, my son… Amen
(Or as a last resort, ask Michael Barrymore for advice – Day Admin)
4
An effective remedy for chronic ring sting is the regular application of the Nivea face cream. For the most positive results the cream should be stored in a fridge at 5C or below but not frozen as jagged ice crystals will tear your ring apart. If any apparently well meaning associate suggests liberal application of mouthwash as a counter to the soreness and burning tell them to fuck off most stearnly. What’s left of you’re arsehole will thank you…
5
A remedy which is effective (learned in France) boil some basmati rice, if you can stomach it, drink the glutinous water in which it was boiled. If not, eat as much of the rice as you can, with no additives. Works every time. Shitting through the eye of a needle is a CUNT. Get well soon!
4
GOC we’re not spring chickens anymore, dodgy seafood pizza? FFS! Glad you’re better, rum guts is a cunt.
2
I will only eat seafood pizza if I’ve made it myself at home.
1
If it’s a remedy for a sore arse you’re after, one cunter on here ought to be an expert, but we don’t hear much from him these days.
4
I had gastroenteritis from some dodgy clams last year. I was pissing out of my arse for 9 days solid. Felt like I was gonna die at one point.
The only thing that finally clogged me up was a bottle of kefir. It sent me completely the other way though and then I became so constipated it was like trying to push a salami through the eye of a needle. Better than nearly shitting myself every time I moved though.
3
You can make your arse think it’s wining or you can say ‘Come on then, you cunt. Let’s have it!’
A chicken vindaloo and 19 pints of premium lager.
That’ll sort it out. Your arse will think twice in future.
5
Avoid Guinness! Turns everything in the gut to rank smelling black sewage, demands to leave at most inconvenient moments and never, ever trust a fart if the satanic brew beloved by murderous fenian philanderers has been taken in the last 24 hours! 😨
3
Forgot – avoid buying filthy shit from filthy third World shit.
(I have worked in a Bangladeshi restaurant, I don’t ever eat “Indian” food unless I have made it – dirty people).
4
About nine years ago I had a new Vauxhall Insignia (company car), Elite model, black with all the gear and a cream leather interior. Driving home from dropping a relative off who’d been out for lunch with us snd I had an unstoppable bout of IBS that I just couldn’t hold back. I shat myself leaking right there and then in the car, Pulled over jumped out and there was a pool of liquid shit and spatter all over and in the driver’s seat. I didn’t have nothing in the car to clean up so had to get back in tough it out and drive the two miles home where I leapt out summoned the missus who looked in the car and started dry heaving…anyway, an hour and three towels and disinfectant later all sorted. Never happened before or since thankfully. Often have a giggle to myself about it now, particularly when thinking the new owners haven’t a clue about what had been on their lovely cream leather interior. 👍😃
5
Try taking a very large dose of Strychnine, a well know cure for all of life’s ills. If that may seem a tad drastic you could always get fat Reg to stick his cock up your ringer, I understand he likes a bit of lubrication.
1
Eat plenty of sauerkraut steamed broccoli and cauliflower ,you’ll take massive shits and fart like a horse but its wonderful. Immodium is fools gold won’t solve any gastric problem long term and will only temporarily mask the pain
Also apple cider vingear is good for sore stomach and gastric cramping some can’t hack the taste but they are weak pansy cunts
Seafood pizza eh? Theres your problem… the cunt who thought shrimp belonged on a pizza is a cunt
4
20 years ago I was working in east Sheen, there was a bakery shop just down the road that we all used. I ordered chicken tikka rolls and my mate said I’d be sorry. Ten hours later as I was walking home the most tremendous liquid shit shot out of my arse, i no way of stopping it. To make matters worse I had forgotten my key and had to sit on the step for two hours fermenting in the sun waiting for my girlfriend to come home. That shop was not used again. And my mate had an earful the cunt. I have many more shite in pants stories but I wont inflict them.
6
The bakery story above just reminded me of a mate and me starting our summer jobs back in ’86 in a bakery before starting our apprenticeships in September. Both wearing crisp, fresh new bakery whites, first day just walking in and my mate sharted obliterating the arse of his white trousers so he fucked off home sheepish and never came back. Had to do the summer job alone 👍😀.
1