UPS.
I have fucking had it with these cunts. Why? Three reasons.
1) They routinely operate a ‘we will deliver when we feel like it’ policy.
2) Deliveries to residential addresses are lowest priority (I know this for a fact).
3) They simply don’t care.
The other day I was running low on packing tape. I didn’t have time to down tools, get in the car, drive over to the local DIY place, put on a fucking mask, deal with mongs, buy the tape and drive home again. Bastard Amazon had what I needed and could deliver the next day. So I placed the order (midday on a Tuesday) and got on with my packing. Bastard Amazon allocated the delivery to UPS(*). The order shipped with a delivery status of “Wednesday by 9PM”. Bit late in the day, but fair enough. All day I waited and nothing showed up. 9PM came and went, then Bastard Amazon updated the delivery status to “shipment delayed but still arriving today”. 10PM came and went, then Bastard Amazon updated the delivery status to “shipment delayed, now expected Thursday or Friday by 9PM”! My package was on that fucking UPS truck for 15 hours and never got delivered. Lovely.
If UPS had any semblance of integrity or professionalism, the package would have been on my door step first thing Thursday morning. Was it? Was it fuck! I needed tape, so Mrs. Yank being the trooper she is, went to the DIY store for me. I then had to do battle with Bastard Amazon. They refused to cancel the order because it was already out for delivery. They suggested I refuse delivery and when the package gets returned to them, they’ll refund my money. There’s more to that part of the story, but I’ll cunt Bastard Amazon another time. 7PM on Thursday evening the cunt UPS driver shows up. Before he got back in his van and drove away, I legged it after him, told him I was refusing delivery and handed him back the box which looked like it had been in a war. He took the box, grunted something and fucked off.
Next thing I know I get an email from Bastard Amazon telling me my order has been delivered! No! No! Fuckity no! Back online with Bastard Amazon to tell them what happened. This time they did refund my money since I had refused delivery as per THEIR suggestion. That’s the end of the matter, right? Wrong! On Sunday, 3 days later, what do I discover outside my front door? Yep, the same fucking box I’d handed back to Stone Age Man on Thursday evening!
I’ve done nothing wrong here and yet have had my time wasted by both UPS and Bastard Amazon who between them couldn’t do the thing they’re in business to do. Pathetic! I’m not contacting Bastard Amazon again or UPS for that matter because this is not my problem to solve. I guess we’ll have to wait and see if Bastard Amazon charge me again for a box they’ll never get back. Fuck ‘em.
* Other delivery services are available and they’re all shit as well
Nominated by: Imitation Yank
What happens when Amazon run out of packing tape?
4
They just pop down to Woolworths.
4
They’d need a time machine then! 😉
2
Fed ex are by far the worst! I’ve worked in logistics for close on 20 years including for this shower of cunts and they are the lowest of the low. fuck all in the way of customer service ” it’ll get there when it gets there” or ” not my problem” should be their fuckin tagline. Employ 90% Joe sakis and other foreign non English speaking cunts. I implore my fellow cunters, pay that bit extra or even take it wherever it needs to go yourself instead of lining the fuckin pockets of these deluded uncaring purveyors of fuckin misery
1
Life with the couriers Is always fun and a bit of a lottery.
When will they turn up? What condition will my parcel be in?
The best one is when they don’t show up at all but claim they did and that you were out when you had actually waited in all day.
I know people who work in their warehouses and they are bloody chaos.
7
I actually watched one from my window. He pulled up at the end of my drive, rummaged around in the back of his van then fucked off. 1 minute later an update said there was nobody to accept delivery and a card was left. 2 minutes after that I was telling their Customer Services manager what a lying cunt the driver was. I’ve worked for several parcel companies in the past and it was obvious that he didn’t have the bloody thing on his van. No problem but don’t fucking lie about it.
10
Hermes are cunto di cuntos, but haven’t had an issue lately, so maybe they’re improving. The local UPS driver round here thinks he’s in a fucking grand prix. Mind you, he often has a bird working with him who has a great pair of snorkers.
9
I think your right. I cunted Herpes about a year ago but since then I’ve not had cause to complain. They now even give you a 2/3 hour time slot.
1
The world is in chaos, my friend. Alas, your story is indicative of such and merely another cog in the wheel of standards fuck-uppery the world over. Not had too many dealings with Amazon (in fairness, my experience with them was fine) and haven’t had any dealings whatsoever with fuck-UPS, which is maybe just as well since they can’t even deliver horse’s spunk on time:
https://www.islandecho.co.uk/fresh-horse-semen-from-belgium-delayed-have-you-had-problems-with-ups/
2
Not UPS, but Parcel Force are of a similar hue of cuntishness. Some time ago I broke the knob of my cherished Cabela’s coffee pot. No bother, go on-line, replacement $6.00 + pp. week later, I get a card through the post. I have a package at east mid airport and I need to go on-line to pay the duty on the $6.00 and the pp cost plus a further £8.00 just for the privilege! Strewth!!
Not having much option I pay up.
Week goes by, knob no show!
Few more days, still no show!
Rings the number on the card I was send.
You’ll love this.. “We couldn’t deliver because we only had a partial address”!
“How the fuck did you send me this fucking card”
“errm! where sorry you feel that way sir”
Cunts one and all.
7
Irony is often lost on these cunts. They don’t work for NASA for a reason, that’s for sure.
2
Yodel!
Fucking useless cunts to a man/woman/non-binary etc.
Doing battle with these piss-stains is like painting the White Cliffs of Dover with a matchstick and a bottle of Tippex (In fact the latter would be far more easier and less stressful)
They either can’t deliver on time, or when they do just throw it from the back of their van into my garden (have seen this happen twice, both in the frigging rain). Or they argue that a parcel was delivered and signed for and that I am in the wrong (like fuck!)
Yodel, should rebrand themselves to “Pissing in the Wind”
5
The worst ones over here are Hermes and City Link (aka Shitty Link). When I lived in London, they would routinely put a Sorry We Missed You card through the door, until one day I chased after one of the buggers and said ‘Oi, you didn’t even ring the doorbell – gimme the parcel.’
8
The US Postal Service pull that stunt too.
Several times I’ve been home and seen their little gay truck pull up outside my house. The driver will put something in my mailbox then bugger off. I go out to retrieve my mail only to find their little pink form telling me they tried to deliver a package which needed a signature but no one was home.
One time this happened, I immediately went to the local Post Office and roasted the nuts of the manager. He was all sorry this and sorry that and finally admitted he was having problems with several drivers doing this. Apparently, they fill out these forms before they leave the Post Office to start their routes. All because they can’t be arsed to get out of their trucks, walk up the path to the front door and actually try to deliver.
Ahem………….THAT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB YOU CUNT!!!!
8
All delivery services are a bunch of tools.Lazy lazy lazy.Deliver when said!!!!!!
6
UPS? UPS? Coat off, stand back – I got this one!
I do a lot of Ebay business, ordered some very expensive loudspeakers, didn’t turn up, contacted the seller, told to chase it up with UPS – after paying extra for delivery.
UPS alleged they had tried to deliver at a certain time and date, lying bastards, I have CCTC and I was in at the time of delivery, pointed this out to UPS who completely lied, then changed the delivery time by 17 minutes, I was still in and no UPS vehicle appeared – the lying little p*ki lazy driver just lied because he couldn’t be bothered delivering. UPS then contact me to say my parcel had been dumped in a shop in the middle of nowhere.
I have the evidence to prove both the seller and the courier are lying and between them I have been ripped off a serious amount – so I am issuing Court proceedings, along with 7 hours of Court preparation time, interest and costs – looking forward to this one.
UPS? Useless Piss taking Scum.
11
UPS are irrelevant, until your parcel has been delivered it’s the seller’s responsibility.
6
Yep. Had a similar problem with a parcel disappearing & the supplier told me to take it up with Yodel, I told them they could fuck off (politely) as their contract with the courier is not my fucking problem. They then started some shit about filling in their form to claim my money back. Fuck that too, their internal procedures don’t count for shit against my rights under Online Selling – money back please! After sending me a few sulky emails they gave in & refunded me. Cheeky cunts.
6
Can you keep us updated please, l would like to know how it ends.
5
Good one, Big Vern.
Similar story, but not quite as dramatic. I ordered a spendy Dyson vacuum from some place with UPS shipping. Was home at the time and waited in as I didn’t want it sitting out in plain sight of the street.
I kept re-checking the delivery status on UPS’s website. Out for delivery every time. Then finally it changed to Delivered. Was it fuck! The driver either delivered it to the wrong address (possible but unlikely) or decided to keep the vacuum for himself and lied about delivering it knowing the seller and customer (me) would resolve it somehow or other.
They are cunts!
6
I must admit that Hermes aren’t too bad, they email and text me with delivery information and 9 times out of 10 it’s the same lad who delivers… and the bonus is that he is white-English 👍👍👍
4
Ours was until recently, been a different ones each time these last couple of months, all asian.
3
A few years back, those Hermes cunts tried to forge my signature and rob my package. Fortunately, the courier in question clearly wasn’t cut from the smartest cloth.
He seemed to lack the foresight that I just might dispute with the sender that a delivery that was said to have been made was even attempted, let alone completed. That or he simply didn’t care and thought it would just be replaced as nobody would even bother looking further.
Though that stupidity is plain to see when you realise he chose to do this on a package that was marked for signature on delivery. After not receiving said delivery and a little back and forth with the sender, they sent me a copy of “my” signature that was apparently given on delivery and asked me to confirm if it was indeed mine or not.
This signature consisted of nothing but a simple “X” so I guess it wasn’t then too hard to convince them that it certainly wasn’t mine and that the driver was trying their luck at being a thieving cunt. I was then asked if I was happy to provide this as a statement toward a criminal investigation that would now be started.
Miraculously, the very next day, this all being about 2 weeks after the original delivery date, I awoke to find a questionably sealed and saturated package laying on my back lawn. Would you believe it, it was only the package I ordered. Clearly it must have fell from the sky and was certainly not tossed over a 6ft fence in the middle of a rain-soaked night by a panicked Hermes driver.
Cunts, sure the cunt was fired, but would have loved to have caught the fucker in the act.
7
The thing is though UPS, Parcelforce, FedEx, they’re not designed around Amazon and millions of cunts ordering doorknobs and post-it notes, are they? They used to charge loads but it would always be prompt, so it was for business, expensive, or large shit – Royal Mail delivered the wank and guff.
I blame Amazon. They have the gall to have ‘Prime’ but don’t actually do shit in the delivery itself. They bribe these delivery services who then get stuck with ridiculous itineraries and pay their drivers shite, whilst that moon sized bald fuckstick sits back and makes billions.
6
Bingo! You’ve got to look at both sides of the argument and give it some balance. Delivery driving, despite being an unskilled calling, is probably quite hectic and demanding (after all, the customer is always right), especially when a huge source of your income is generated from THE world’s biggest company. One of he cruel ironies of life is that low-paid, unskilled workers are often in jobs that dish out an inordinate amount of stress (some call centre jobs and sales target jobs, for example).
6
I take your point BCC. Amazon make their delivery guarantee but when UPS (or FedEx or USPS) are involved, they have no control over the actual delivery. Hence, they’re in no position to make that guarantee.
That said, UPS accept Amazon’s business and do so knowing the constraints placed upon them. Fact is, UPS simply don’t care. Their piss poor attitude has been consistent across multiple different addresses across 2 different states. Coincidence? Nope, they just do not care.
3
How I enjoyed your Rant orf Rage Fake Yank. The cunt steam has coloured my night sky a delicious red. Orf to bugger a shepherd.
3
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at your tale IY!
It’s a comfort for us this side of the pond to know that couriers seem to be useless everywhere. I look forward to your Amazon exposé.
😀
4
It’s amazing the link between this nom and the “comments not allowed” one two noms later. i.e You’re a cunt so don’t bother commenting.
😀
1
Wtf. Posted on the wrong nom. I am a cunt.
1
No comment.
2
I think most of us could tell a tale or several about Bastard Amazon, Sir Bert.
I’ve been trying to edit down a nom for software developers. I hate these cunts like poison, but on one wants to read an essay. I’ll get around to it.
Back to UPS though…it’s been fun reading about other cunters’ experiences in the UK. Isolates incidents of cuntitude are to be expected. I think we all understand that. However, I honestly believe the ‘don’t care we’ll do what we like’ attitude of UPS is part of its culture. A cunty company top to bottom.
5
I could have written several more examples about UPS, but didn’t want the nom to become tedious for cunters to read.
I’ll share this one though.
A few Decembers ago, wife and I had ordered Christmas gifts for each other from Bastard Amazon. Delivery was allocated to UPS. Delivery date came and went, nothing showed up, despite seeing a UPS in our street that day. UPS updated the delivery date to the following day. Same thing. UPS were in the street at some point, nothing was delivered, delivery day updated to the following day. This went on for 3 days. On the 4th day the cunt delivered 3 of the 4 packages. Before the cunt driver could make his escape, Mrs Yank legged it after him and ripped him a new one. He admitted the packages had been on his truck for 3 days, but he said he couldn’t find them so he hadn’t delivered them. Let that sink in.
This did not go down well with Mrs Yank. So the driver rather flippantly suggested Mrs Yank find the package in his truck herself – believing she wouldn’t take the bait. WRONG! She jumped into the back of his truck, rummaged around in the absolute chaos (parcels everywhere like a bomb had gone off apparently) and found it!!! She then ripped him another new one and came back inside the house. This was done at night, ice and snow everywhere and -10 degrees. She’s a trooper is Mrs Yank.
UPS are cunts.
8
One of their drivers asked me what time it was once. I told him ‘sometime between 8am and 8pm’.
10
LOL!!! Loved this.
I will give credit where credit is due. Bastard Amazon have their own delivery service over here in Yankland. Not everything is handled by them though, but when it is you can track the delivery if you have their app on your ‘phone.
You get notified with a delivery window which can sometimes be as small as 2 hours. When your package is 15 stops away, you start getting notifications and a map showing where their delivery van is. As each stop is made, the ‘stops away’ count goes down and the time to delivery is adjusted. Finally, they deliver your package, take a picture of it sitting outside your front door and send it to you as confirmation it’s been delivered. All quite good.
UPS have been in the delivery business for how many decades? And they do none of this. Lazy? Incompetent? They don’t care? Try all three!!!! Cunts!
3
We get the same here. Not sure about the photo since I’m always in to receive it. Have no complaints about Amazon delivery, although other areas could be better.
1
Great stuff Ron. 😀
Is that morning or afternoon?
1
Ever tried to deliver a package to Spain via Parcels To (Don’t) Go? Took us three months to sort out their mess, absolute cowboys.
3
Never understood all that shite about needing labels and tape. I used the cunts about 6 years ago. Ordered online and it all went through. Just needed some documents (qualifications and a criminal records check) sending from UK to Singapore at the time.
I got nothing and they said they didn’t pick up because the package had no labels.
I had no idea what the fuck they were on about. Their website let me send them to the address to pick up and to get had no issue taking my money. No mention of having to go on missions to get this and that. If there had been I would’ve just laughed at such a ‘service’ and switched off the laptop. Anyway long story short got my money back about a month later.
What sort of shit service is that anyway? They sell it like it’s easy but it isn’t.
You need all sorts of shit (and just so!) before they’ll pick up. Their website is really unclear and unhelpful.
How about the vans have all this shit with them (and a printer) when they fucking turn up and provide an actual service?
Useless cunts.
Post office international track and trace is cheaper and much fucking easier to use.
2
Bumped into my postman the other day in the supermarket. He’s normally very chirpy, smiling & always says hello or has a banter with you.
He was loading his trolley with lagers. I said Hi & asked him how he was ….
“had enough today” he sullenly replied. Royal mail wanted him to work over his time, for an hour, unpaid so he could finish delivering parcels – for the unteenth time.
“Delivering parcels mind” he complained….”I’m over 3 days behing with delivering MAIL…letters, cards, the stuff people send each other” – he complained to the manager, but was told “don’t care how late the MAIL is – you must deliver all the parcels – we make more money from them”
He’s been doing his job 23 years – “I love my job – and people trust that I’ll deliver their post, but it’s been a bloody joke since the Royal Mail was privatised”
Wankers running all delivery busineses are only interested in profit for the owners – fuck the poor bastards they pay peanuts to. CUNTS !
8