Or more specifically poached eggs on crushed fucking avocado on toast.
About a year ago when this middle class idea came to my attention on one of those cooking programs that seem to be on every fucking channel my missus said “ooh that would be nice for breakfast” and being that sensitive type with a streak of cuntishness I thought as a surprise I would cook said breakfast as a Sunday surprise.
Whattamistakatomake!
I have tried the dedicated water pan thingy where you butter the receptacles before immersing half way up in water. SHIT.
The microwave method where a medium size egg in a plastic thingy this time cooked on high for 32 seconds (what the fuck 32secs!?!). SHIT.
Putting the fucking egg in some clingfilm ( literally don’t fucking bother with that one I knew that was doomed from the start) it just stuck to the cling film and went from boiling water to bin. SHIT.
And now to the last way for which I have had 3 successful poached eggs. I might it may sound impressive but that’s 3 in about 35 eggs. Boil a big pan of water add salt add wine vinegar strain an egg (FFS!!) make a vortex, drop egg in middle of spinning boiling water, making sure you don’t spin it too much then the water spills over and turns the induction hob off mid way, CUNT, and then after plopping the unfertilised chicken slowly into the swirling vortex of boiling water watch it disintegrate into a hundred bits of white and yellow.
I repeated this one 5 fucking times at which point after running out of Eggs and burning the toast I went and stood in my quiet place for the next move. Either admit defeat or kill every fucking chicken in the world so no cunt ever tries it again.
I’m up to 3.5 million Chickens ??♂️??
Be warned fellow cunters. The eggs are cunts.
Nominated by: Once a cunt always a cunt
It’s easier to build a rocket in your shed and start a moon shot than attempt a poached egg.
Allways thought they called ‘poached’ because the only way to have some was to thieve them from a culinary cunt that could make the things.
9
$5 egg poaching pan (little cup things that sit over a large pan for the boiling water) from The Warehouse, perfect poached eggs in 4 minutes every time…..get one of these from your local tat store.The simplest way is often the best way.
6
Full marks for trying to be a middle class cunt, Once. You’re a bit behind the curve though – now, to be truly middle class, you have to drive around in an SUV with bikes on a rack. Still carry the coffee cup, however, and, for add cunt points, a plastic bag full of dog shit.
Then you’ll be a middle class cunt, my son.
19
You also need a “black live matter” on a piece of paper in your front window alongside the “we love the nhs” one
14
Ah thanks for the tip but with my knees the only bike I’m gonna ride is the local one down the boozer after I’ve had 10 pints
5
I had 6 litres of cider yesterday and I feel awful. The thought of poached eggs makes it worse.
6
Bet it was fun at the time though… 😁
3
YesBB and I knew what to expect. Einstein said doing the same thing time after time is madness, I’m a loon I guess.
4
I must be a middle class cunt because I can poach an egg piece of piss. I can also cook spaghetti hoops and I do a nice cup a soup. However Since that is my full repertoire Mrs cunt since does the cooking.
9
Is this a piss take ?
A poached egg ffs
Boil a pan of water , turn it off , drop egg in gently
4 mins later perfection
And I’m a cunt
7
Ive never had a poached egg in my life.
Boiled✔
Scrambled✔
Fried✔
But poached?
Thought that was for the likes of David Niven, Richard Burton &Liz Taylor!
Some flash bastards on here!!😁
11
Although being a Bryan Ferry type I HAVE had advocado, its similar to cussons soap.
Its fuckin rubbish.
9
I had my first avocado a few weeks ago and likewise failed to see what the fuss is about.
7
Green fruit, blecch. How can anyone want to eat something that looks like a diseased rams bollock. Overated shite for the meddling class that can’t afford the even more shite truffles.
6
Eating avocado? You posh types, showing off your electricity and windows – you’ll be getting one of those fancy Morris Marinas next!
How the other half live – and poaching eggs is easy – simply slip to Sir Fiddlers at 3AM, hope he’s asleep and act foul around the fowl! 😄👍 🏃♂️
4
The Cumnock approach works for me also.
I detect no complaints in the comments about the flavor of poached eggs, for me they are improved by a light dousing with Tabasco sauce.
7
Everything is improved with a light dousing of Tabasco sauce!
6
What about piles?
11
AAAAAGH!
Nope, tabasco sauce is no good for piles!
5
They make a mild Tabasco sauce which is ideal for livening up dormant piles.
4
I tried Tabasco sauce for me piles once.
I managed to jump over my mum’s bungalow.
0
Seems like a great deal of bother really. And for something so simple.
Anyway, let’s ratchet up the class. Anyone eaten or even tried cooking a sous vide egg?
4
Whats that Cuntflap?
Sounds suspiciously foreign?
4
Virgin Boy Eggs?
A ‘delicacy’ in China.
Now that’s taking the piss….
3
I might earn a cunting of my very own for this but here goes anyway …
The key is fresh, high quality eggs. For freshness target 3wks remaining till use by date and only use multi-grain free-range etc. Both of these things will help make sure the egg is healthy and holds together in the water. I wouldn’t bother with the vortex thing, just make sure the water is almost but never quite boiling.
I’ll get my coat.
5
Sound advice. The only way to get a 2 week old egg to hold together is mixing the bigger with flour.
4
Poached eggs with proper Grimsby smoked haddock. Stick you avocados up your arse.
7
I like avocados but with prawns and a homemade Marie Rose sauce.
6
Replace the avocados with buttered Hovis Granary, that’s good too. And Tabasco on top.
1
FFS Behave yourselves – As Kiwicunt says above, cheap egg poaching pan from home bargains – wipe plastic egg “cups” with oil (not GTX), crack 3 eggs into cups – Sit on gas ring (the pan, not you) and pour boiling water from kettle into 4th. SEVEN minutes = perfection. 4 minutes way too snotty.
Remember to lift and waft duvet vigorously later that night once eggs have passed through your exhaust system.
14
“Dutch Oven” for the wife. Give her something substantial to complain about.
6
Mr Cunt Engine may prefer Unkle Tel’s oven for his ex…
2
Sorry to be pedantic but won’t you burn the pan if you pour water into the 4th cup, and not the pan itself?
4
Dammit Moggie – I tried my utmost to make the instructions cunt-proof. Cue the claims flooding in now *
*Please address all claims to my solicitors:
Norfolk & Chance
5
Are they related to Norfolk & Good ?
1
Throw eggs at insufferable cunt neighbour, go to greasy spoon and let that stubbly faced cunt and her husband do the cooking.
Thank me later.
Bollocks.
10
Me and a mate used to go out on the piss on Friday nights. He’d kip over at my place and in the morning we’d go to a greasy spoon round the corner and stuff ourselves stupid. 5 years of living in London and those were the days I enjoyed most. (Apart from some of the nights I picked up a slapper, they were fun too).
4
Q: What’s big and hairy and hangs out your underpants?
A: your mum
1
Poached eggs, fuck off.
3 fried eggs, 3 sausages, a stack of bacon, fried bread and enough chips to create another potato famine. The only way to have eggs. Oh yes, burst the yolks over the chips.
7
Too true. Fried eggs, fried bread, black pudding, sausages, bacon and HP Sauce.
Poached eggs, my arse.
5
“Avocado” is the Mayan Huastec word for bollox. Not a lot of people know that.
true.
6
I used to work with this colossal cunt. A daft and irritating bitch and ‘feminist’ gobshite who called the All England Tennis Championships ‘Wimby’, liked unfunny cunts like Stephen Colbert and Amy Sedaris (and she used what she called ‘Colbertisms’ like ‘Truthiness’ in everyday speech!). Also, she used to endlessly gob off about how she used to eat Eggs Benedict. Only thing is, in true to form smugcunt fashion, this daft bitch always referred to it as ‘Eggsy B’. Every fucking day, it was bragging about having Eggsy fucking B.
God, I hated the cunt and I still do.
7
Any one who like amy sedaris or libtard Stephen colbert are undoubtedly cunts but eggs Benedict are really good Norm
If she eating them everyday she must of been quite a whale Its a nice for a treat but its a fat rich dish gain quite a bit of weight eating them every day
3
Poached eggs isn’t so hard to do @Oacaac you just really suck at it lol If you want a few pointers I’m happy to oblige as I make them and eggs Benedict quite often. First off you don’t want a rolling boil as you were describing in your hilarious failed attempt. You want a simmer which is about half the strength, so when you start up boiling water after its done turn it down to half way and get your eggs ready for the pot
Second You want to drop the egg into a ramekin or small dish to ease it into the water instead of cracking the egg right in to the pot which can cause the yolk to burst out from the break. And lastly I would add a type of vinegar (it can be any kind) instead of using salt It works better I find just a small squirt will do. I broke an overcooked a few when my mother taught me poaching eggs but its easy peasy lemon squeezey once you learn how
2
Haven’t tried poached eggs on avocado toast it doesn’t sound so bad honestly. Tho I prefer to have my avocado toast on rye bread with a small spread of honey
1
Me? Straight in the fuckin bin.
Chippy tea.
4