I want to nominate adverts for feminine hygiene products. Ok, we all know that women need these items, but why does every advert have to include some bunch of wimminz wittering on about how their period, bladder leaks etc are not going to stop them from being who they are – tough, confident wimminz, who are not just soft and gentle etc etc…..I don’t care that your wimminz nappy isn’t going to ‘stop you from being you’ or whatever bullshit… Just stick the thing where it belongs and don’t bother telling us about it.
Nominated by Mystic Maven
Im a bit shy with tampons and women’s stuff, not only am I not interested because im not a nosey fucker,
But think its not a mans place to know,
Its private.
Like someone asking to come in the Khazi and watch you having a shit or something.
Some things are private, personal, I dont want to know about,
Periods being one
Things shoved up yer arse being two
And thirdly anyones medical problems.
Nowt to do with me see a doctor, im a removalman not a fuckin medical professional.
23
Totally agree Miserable. We all know the biological process, you can read about it anywhere not a problem. But we don’t really know the intimate details, what it feels like etc. That’s because the only people who could tell us are women and we’re not going to ask them. Why? Because we don’t want to come across as FUCKING DIRTY PERVERTS! We all knew the kid at school who had a fascination with menstruation and jam rags. What a surprise when he turned out to be a raving iron! Fuck off, it’s got nothing to do with us ……. don’t want to know.
8
Afternoon Miserable, you must have made the mistake of asking how someone was out of politeness on your jobs and been subjected to a detailed itinerary of their medical appointments and various ailments. I know I have, there is a glazed look with “Mmms” and nods when appropriate that I have perfected, nothing about jam rags, things up arses or bollocks caught in zippers yet thank the lord.
7
Afternoon LL, thats exactly it!
I get it quite a lot, dont know why?
Dont think I look the sort who’d care/ be interested.
“Then they had to remove part of my colon and upper intestine”…
Just pay me or shoot me,
Im losing the will to live.
9
I should invest in an intolerant Fiddler style hound who will start growling at anyone who gets too chatty as well as The Gays and other minorities.
3
Ive got a Akita LL,
Looks like a bloody bear they bore that too!
Dog looks at me enough to say “just have me put down, this fuckers to boring to take anymore”.
😁
6
I say MNC – we should stop using lottery funding for UK athletes and just issue them with Dracula’s tea bags – every time they have one shoved in them they suddenly turn into Olympians who can do anything!
And don’t make the mistake of asking anyone over 40 how they are – they will end up telling you!
And respond with “well try and stay alive long enough to f*cking pay me”! 😄
5
Draculas teabags!!😁👍👍
Hehee
7
“Nowt to do with me see a doctor, im a removalman not a fuckin medical professional.“
You’d probably be good at removing tonsils Miserable!
😀
4
Im Happy to do any cash jobs Bertie, cant be difficult can it tonsils?
Long as they sign a legal waiver and pay me in poundnotes im game!!☺
5
Even my good lady moans about them.
5
A cunting for cunt rags. No more to add, except this, a joke told to me in the 80’s, best told in a thick Yorkshire/Cumbrian accent:
A young lad on work exprrience in Arkrights corner shop.
“Now then son, t’secret of running successful local shop is making every single customer feel special. Watch how a’ serve old Mrs Pattinson.”
“Mornin’ Mrs P, what can a’ get tha today?”
“Oh, hello Mr Arkwright, I need some nice sweets for me sister whos’s reet poorly”
“How about these chocolates, £1.00 for a reet nice box?”
“Ooh, thems lovely”
As he hand them over. He adds:
“Roses are red
violets are blue
these chocs are sweet
but not as sweet as you!”
Blushing and laughing, another satisfied customer leaves Arkwrights.
“ Reet lad, next customer as comes in, treat em just like that.ok?”
Shortly a young lady enters, wanders around the shop, before nervously approaching the counter, Arkwright nudges the young lad towards her:
“Good Morning madam, how can I help tha?
“Erm, is there a lass as works here?”
“No madam, can I not help?”
“Erm, a bit embarrassing, does tha have any sanitary towels, I cannot see any on’t shelves”
The lad turns to Arkwright, who gestures toward the stockroom:
“Middle shelf lad, next to nappies” adding in a whisper: “Don’t forget the rhyme”
The young lad turns to the customer and says:
“Aye, we have em, in the stockroom.” He starts to move then turns back to say:
“Don’t dash
I’ll be back in a flash
With a sash
Fer ya gash”
😄
Don’t blame me, told to me by a pissed up local in the Hole int wall pub in Bowness, circa 1986.
Happier times!
14
So these women In the adverts who have a bit of piddle-leakage go running off to the chemist to buy the latest “discrete” pads decide to go on a date grinning like a teenager because they think that they’re protected.
When the man of their dreams invites them in for coffee, rips her knickers off and thrusts his face towards her minge, he’s going to think,”what the fuck is that ?!”
8
Either that or he hears the thud as her ‘attractively styled’ adult piss filled happy hits the floor.
12
Nappy, fucking auto correct
5
Surely these products sell themselves, it’s also flaunting wealth at those who endure period poverty.
Put a sock in it.
9
Why dont they just use a old t shirt, rip it into rags,
I do that for hankies they could do it for sanitary towels, or use a plastic shopping bag as makeshift knickers?
Always frittering money on nonsense arent they?
8
And it could double as an emergency face mask, the gash mask sanitary company TM
6
For a bit of a larf in these unprecedented times wear a well-used one while grocery shopping. Cough fruitily now and then. see if folks have a sense of humour!
4
All the empty plastic smiles in the world, pleasing floral colour palettes, summery whimsical jingles, or empowering cliche statements, are not going to hide the fact 50% of the population have fucking disaster areas between their thighs a couple days each month.
Your discrete design achieves fuck all when I can smell the dank rotten crotch anyway. And because you’re invariably being an overly emotional insufferable cunt, which is hard to miss really. If the design somehow inoculated against those criteria then fairplay!
9
It’s difficult to appreciate the nice fresh smell of your beloved when she’s just twatted you with an ashtray for no apparent reason.
7
Me and the missus were talking to a Doctor, just general chit-chat but then it turned into a conversation about her heavy periods and how the gusset on some of her knickers had rotted away.
I don’t like that sort of talk and felt quite awkward.
Next time we managed to speak to a Doctor, same again. General chit-chat, then she revealed how I usually fuck her up the arse when she’s got the painters in.
I really can’t take that sort of embarrassment so when she started talking about pus dribbling out of her arsehole to Tom Baker, I had to leave the convention….
18
Made me laaaarf!
😄😄😄
5
Erectile dysfunctional efficiency advert.
This makes me cringe a little more than the the red knickers adverts.
7
I remember once walking around a local beauty spot when I came across a manky looking press on, complete with clot spot. When I got home I wrote this song.
Panty pad, you make me really mad
You’re like a red rag to a bull
Panty pad, on the footpath smelling bad,
some dirty bitch has dropped her drawers
Well you stick it just below your hedge
Then it crinkles up into your wedge
And collects all the bits and bobs as they fall out
It’s got wings that wrap around your kecks
The dry weave topper keeps your badger fresh
And everybody knows what they are and where you get them
There’s more, but I’m fucked if I can remember it. I did record it, so it’s about somewhere…
6
I get bored with all the period poverty crap, fuck sake, if you can afford to give your daughter ‘feminisms hygiene’ don’t have kids.
There is one annoying advert ‘Gotta get em up there girls’ , I reckon most girls have had enough cock to know how to get it up!!
8
I think the menopause is even worse. None of my girlfriends ever really made much of a fuss about their periods but when the menopause arrived, my wife, sisters-in-law and even my mother-in-law loved sitting around yakking in front of me about how it affected them – hot flushes and all that kind of thing. Nothing more than self-pitying excuses for being bad-tempered old bags. Not only that but the menopause never seems to end, hence my 88-year-old mother-in-law´s contributions.
7
This nom reminds me of the time I pulled a blood soaked tampax out my ex-fiancé’s snatch with my teeth. We were fulfilling one of her sexual fantasies – turned out to be one of the best drug free fucks we ever had!
Didn’t do it more than once, the novelty quickly wore off, what with the prohibitive cost of new bed linen and all that.
3
Love it..
We need to meet up sometime puff..
4
Que….???
2
Don’t the arty lads shove them up the nipsy to stop their guts falling out after a fisting?
4
If rumours are to be believed, they do indeed.
3
The one where she jumps out of the plane had me reaching for the bucket and rumbling for the remote. Blood is a natural part of our lives, turned into a competitive game. Put me on a plane and I require vodka and sleeping pills not fluffy towels and absorbent dreams.Girls fall for this like goons do for sports ads for men’s razors.The moon is a curse for some of us.
5
Same for us werewolves.
5
Werewolfery? Tell me about it! (I now have a beard the size of Yorkshire and look like I reside in a forest!). I
refer my fellow contributors to the words of my young chum Gaz – “don’t trust owt that bleeds for a week and don’t fucking die”!
Glad I’m not a Woman – I’m fucked if I’m jumping out of a plane or playing tennis for a week out of every Month! 😄
4
Why is it always blue coloured liquid poured on it in the adverts?
This made me laugh 🙂
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xi8u9DcC0_Q
3
Off road a mo, but…
David Starkey has resigned his honorary fellowship at Cambridge University and has been sacked as visiting professor at Canterbury University for his off the cuff remark: “so many damn blacks”.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-53279273
Meanwhile professor Priyamvada Gopal who tweeted: “I’ll say it again. White Lives Don’t Matter.” remains in post without so much as a raised eyebrow from the University authorities or the race relations industry.
15
Ruffy, that Starkey fella sounds a bit of a cuckold.
2
Cuckold? Que?
Starkey’s a no nonsense historian who leans to the right, if that’s what you mean Spoons.
8
Apologies, Ruffy. I think I used the wrong word.
It’ll come to me or possibly won’t.
Flibble.
3
Cock holder?
1
Cock holder? 😰😰
2
I thought he leant forward?
2
One leg shorter than the other Bertie.
Definitely leans to the right.☺
2
A shirt lifter Miserable but a very clever man and not afraid to speak his mind.
6
Hes ok by me Bertie.
Anyone speaking up is a breathe of fresh air.
Besides not bothered if he plays with Barbies and likes skipping,
Lot of gay customers, all of them are decent types and more importantly =tip.😁
6
It’s an outrage, but the right kind of outrage. The Klingons’ yabbering is the wrong kind of outrage, and as she has personally suffered over three hundred years of persecution, it’s totally understandable.
It’s not only their lives that matter, it’s their opinions too. No matter how nasty or ill informed they are.
7
I saw the interview and laughed when he said that.
I’m probably a racist now.
5
Right, let’s get something straight, the only things covering a vagina should be a man’s mouth, knickers, or some other tall sexy Scandinavian womans mouth, and the only thing in a vagina should be a penis, dildo, or a vibrator, or a big fist, preferably mine..get to fuck dr white…
3
Two questions:
(1) Do those principles apply the Flabbott?
(2) Are you volunteering?
2
Fuck sake Freddie, no one is that brave unless you magic grandpa..
3
I’ll take that as a no on both counts then.
4
I will admit that the ad with a bint in microscopic white shorts – faffing about playing tennis and whatnot – gives me the horn somewhat. Although let’s be honest if she did have the painters in in said shorts it wouldn’t look quite as attractive… Whooooooaaa, body-fooooooorm
2
Why do they have to be proud of pissing themselves? What’s that about
6
Stunning and brave wahmen.
2
Strong and independent woman.
Can you open this jar for me?
4
Or oil caps on the engines of their chelsea tractors.
2
It’s all a bit transphobic. Why arent there any truck drivers in gingham dresses and pigtails in these adverts?
4
A kid says to his mum ‘Why do I get a nosebleed every 28 days?’
Mum says, ‘Oh shut up cunt face’
Heard that one at school circa 1975
7
Apparently, tampons are good for gunshot wounds in the field. Not sure where I heard it. Also, I don’t recall female Soviet soldiers going on about “period poverty” when they were fighting the Krauts back to Berlin.
4
aahh – g*n is a trigger word.
3
I see a “British Woman” was jailed for “life” (😁😁😁) for plotting to blow up St Paul’s, a hotel and a tube train. All part of living in a big city as our Mayor always tells us. The cunt.
11
Being reminded on the tele about “women’s” issues is bad enough.
Notice how they don’t mention what a fucking psychopath she is during the week before she’s up on blocks.
5
The adverts I see are all dark key women being empowered by their week on bricks.
They all seem overjoyed.
Fuck their adverts into a cocked hat.
If the dozy cunts lived in the paradise of Afrikaa they’d just be eaten by crocodiles.
5
When my bitch is in season and I see her jump for the ball, in my head the theme tune to the Bodyform ad is playing.
5
Ah well! As my old mate Claire Rainer used to say, “Must press on” …..
3
Boom tish!!!!
Perhaps that is why J.KRowling is so arsed off with trannies- they get all the best bits of being a girly and none of the worst 😂😂😂
4