I’ve been using this site for a while now, but this is my first post, so please be nice. Basically, I want to nominate cliquey sports clubs. I’ve been a member of a few of these institutions over the years and have found that on the whole they comprise cliques of people who won’t give you the time of day. You’re new, you try to make the effort to get to know people, but always remain on the periphery of their little groups.
Tennis clubs are generally the worst for this and I’ve heard similar stories from other people in the same position. The last club I joined was a nightmare. There were even people who went along just to be seen and I don’t think I ever saw them pick up a racket. I lasted about 6 months before an incident saw me ejected. One night, this pair who always played doubles together (part of the main clique) were asked to split to mix everyone up, which sounds fair enough to me. One of them was asked to play with me and wasn’t happy about it from the off. Anyway, I was playing like a bastard and we were losing as a result and this prick starts berating me. It’s an unwritten rule that you can get annoyed with yourself (which I frequently do), but never your doubles partner even if they’re fucking shit which I was. As the set progressed, he was getting more and more pissed off to the point where he said “I didn’t ask to be partnered with you”. So, I proceeded to over to where he was standing and told him I’d wrap my racket around his head if he didn’t shut the fuck up. Needless to say; he told the committee and I was asked not to come back. I virtually had to threaten to burn the clubhouse down to get the rest of my membership fee returned.
Another club I tried was archery. I did this as a kid and was quite good at it. The club I belonged to back then was great so I thought why not get back into it? I perused the internet and found a local outfit who billed themselves as “a friendly club”, so I made some inquiries and got myself along. It wasn’t fucking friendly though was it?
The people there turned out to be a bunch of socially-inept fuckwits who I’d normally cross the street to avoid. Anyway, I persevered a for a few weeks until one fateful night. The field we used on a school campus had on this one occasion been double booked and we were relegated to a small corner behind the bike sheds. T
he person who made the error to their credit came over to apologise to us and the club’s treasurer thought he’d have a pop and sent this poor sod away with a flee in their ear. I was really embarrassed by this and followed this person to apologise and state that I appreciated their efforts to make things right and that this committee member had not spoken for all of us. When I got back, they asked me what I had said to this person and I explained that I had to apologise for that awful spectacle.
When challenged, I proceeded to explain to this committee member in front of his shit-caked friends that I deal with some awkward cunts at work most days, but am paid well for it and I don’t want to be doing this in my free time for no money. Needless to say, I wasn’t invited back.
From what I’ve seen and apologies if I’m generalising here; most people who become committee members in these clubs are those who’ve failed in their careers and either want a bit of power or the feeling that they’re contributing something. I manage both a team and projects at work and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to be spending my free time doing it!
Nominated by: Piss Chisel
Good nom Piss Chisel!
Ive never been the member of a club, any club.
Not even the cubs or boys brigade.
Way you describe them im glad.
Although do like club biscuits.
15
Not even the beard appreciation society or a Viking reenactment club Miserable? Isn’t the Boys Brigade a hotbed of misogyny and transphobia these days? Good nom PC , some of these members still act like they are at school.
8
Considered the viking one LL. But can guarantee theyll be some self appointed sheriff cunt saying im wearing a 11th century shirt rather than 10th century,
Cant be arsed,
or Piss Chisel will join and get us both expelled.
Either way im not joining anything unless its a cult.
9
Good maiden cunting, Piss Chisel, and a warm welcome to the fold.
My theory is that many of these ‘committee’ members love the power of it all and liken themselves to an elected politician. The have rules – ‘Club Rule 7.5.4, subsection 2(a) states…’
You just know these are the type of cunts who are lower to middle managers at work, just aspiring to the next rung on the career ladder, hampered only by the Peter Principle.
15
hahahahaha tennis club? Archery club??? This is a fucking wind up surely!
No need for that. This is Piss Chisel’s maiden nomination, and a good one too! – admin
12
Why?
Why a windup?
The blokes just said hes new, its a good nom.
Do better Flexi rather than take the piss.
23
We are all members of the ISAC club MNC – much better than a golf club, they tend to bar a chap for
good natured horseplay and call it “indecent exposure” in my experience!
11
Be nice Flexi.
10
My upvote is for Admin’s comment, not flexicunt’s.
3
A good nom, Piss. This brings back memories of the garrison sailing club in Dhekelia, Cyprus. Funded by the MOD, it was supposed to be there for the squaddies. Largely run by snooty expats, any lads that tried to join soon left dispirited.
12
Got a tennis club here in my village in kent, its actually the village property paid for by my council tax, and a few snooty fuckers think they own it, always giving me snide looks when I park my car to walk the dog in the playing field next door, sometimes I throw my dogs shit onto the courts just to piss the stuck up cunts off, good morning
24
Wish I’d thought of that!
6
It’s not too late, Revenge is best served cold!
5
I was a member of a gym. Eventually I wanted to cancel my membership. Was told to write in (ffs) to give my notice of cancellation.
My letter turned up one miserable day after the required date, due to Royal Mail, and I was then charged another full month extra. Cunts.
15
Same over here, Cuntolo. They make it super quick and easy to sign up IN the gym, but make it a pain in the arse to quit the gym. Which of course you can’t do IN the gym. You always have to write to some head office or such like.
What also gets me is the application fee, sign-up fee, initiation fee or whatever they call it. Just a totally made up charge to make them more money up front. Cunts.
4
Easier to get divorced than leave a gym – nicely covered in a Friends episode.
1
I would imagine clubs like tennis, cycling, croquet etc to be clicky.
Join a fighting club. Honestly, you get on with people much better when you spend your friday trying to hit them.
Much, much more mutual respect.
12
Uh, you broke rule number 1 Cuntflap. 🙂
7
Morning General!
Any opportunity to talk about fight club I’ll take.
I think everyone should be doing it, as I think we should all be ready as fuck for the moment the shit hits the fan.
Seriously though, it’s great for the mind and body, and you quickly learn nit to judge people’s potential by the way they look. Only takes a couple of bloody noses!
6
Reminds me of Umtali bowls club, had to be white, over 55 and have the resilience to keep rebuilding the club house after being shelled by Marxist cunts constantly, most of these clubs require you to be a cunt, so I’d just move on to other clubs, they almost always end up failing because of this attitude, utter cunts!
13
I joined a golf club during my 20s purely on the recommendation of a friend/member. It wasn’t even a posh club but you would think the place was patronised by the bleedin’ monarchy the way they spoke and looked down on the Little Man (me)
Of course it didn’t help that I was pretty shit at the sport, but then again so were some of the snooty members. I only think they became members just to say to people outside “Well actually, don’t you know. I am an Executive Member of the golf club, rah rah rah!”
I lasted about 6 months before deciding going back to playing Space Invaders and Asteroids, which was far more entertaining.
13
Join your local Rugby (a real man’s game) Club…we’re not cliquish..we even let The Dark-Keys,The Gays and The Wimminz in these days….probably still best not to mention that you were a member of a tennis/archery Club…although your threat to burn down the clubhouse may be enough to redeem you on that front.
I am a committee member of my local rugby club and I certainly didn’t become one because I craved power or failed in my career and most certainly not because I wanted to give something back…I became a committee man so that I could get “d*arf-chucking” introduced as entertainment at our Christmas party….you’re not Warwick Davis,are you ?
16
PS…you could also try joining your local Hunt…but only if you’re “the right type”,of course.
9
Morning Sir Fiddler – I would never join any club that would have me as a member!
(Standards must be maintained! 😀)
Good nom 👍
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As Ogden Nash once said – “To be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is”.
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Me? I’m only a country member.
5
Cuntry member, surely
1
Good nom. I would recommend a gun club. Great like-minded folk very friendly.
“An armed society, is a polite society”.
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Good point. Note how impolite and brutal we’ve become since since Saint Tony of Bollocks disarmed us.
3
Christ, you must live where I live.
One golden rule is never tell the fuckers that you just retired because they’ll be on you to join their committee like flies on a freshly laid dog turd.
I was cajoled into groups organizer and deputy chairman of our local U3A. At the first meeting I was attacked because I’d pointed out to the assemblage that the newsletter had been circulated before we’d approved it and that they’d published my email without my permission. I’d intended to set a new one to keep the U3A business separate.
I also asked whether we had a list of equipment the club owned. I was asked why this necessary and explained that as a group coordinator I needed the info so that I could inform new groups or groups holding meetings who needed things like screen or projectors.
I was attacked by the secretary who basically was using a club laptop for himself. He also demanded I resign because I’d upset the news letter editor. Nobody defended me even though the meeting was in the chairman’s front room. The cunt just sat there and said nothing.
So 20 minutes into the meeting, I got up and stuck my nose 12 inches from the cunt’s face. He went white as a sheet. He was convinced I was going to deck him.
I politely told him to stick his club up his arse and do the fucking job himself if he was so fucking clever and walked out.
The world is full of little men trying to be big men, normally because their lives have amounted to fuck all..
28
The medical term could be “Owen Jones disease”.
Or maybe “Bercow Syndrome” 😉
2
Yaaaaaaaahhh… I had to decontaminate my eyes after reading those two utter, Utter, UTTER cunts’ names.
Toady Bercow is bad enough, but Snotty Jones is the limit.
That cunt was pumping for Corbyn in my street a couple of years ago, accompanied by what could only be described as the local Taliban and a couple of Shemima Begun types.
Chased him up the street with an Israeli flag and my megaphone, yelling him that if his Führer turned up here, he’d be hounded physically out of the area.
Snotty called me “homophobic” an’ waaaaycist. Asked Snotty what he thought his fate would be in ol’ Magic Grandpa Jezzbollah’s chosen holiday spot of Gaza, a brief view of the sites from the top of a building and a fast trip down without stairs or lift.
Then the neighbours came out to see what the noise was about and proceeded to tell them to leave and never return.
Bercow is a cunt, but Snotty is a cunt, prick and arsehole rolled into one.
2
When I was a kid, my Dad went to join the local golf club on the recommendation of a friend.
All the existing members were the great and the good of the local town and generally looked down their nose at anyone not as rich or famous as they were.
I still remember sitting in the Morris Ital in the car park, surrounded by Volvo estates, huge Mercs and Jaguars thinking that we were going up in the world.
About fifteen minutes later, poor Dad came back to the car looking downhearted.
They told him that there was a seven year waiting list to join, annual fees were £500 (a lot on cash back in the ’80s) and that he would need to write a cheque for half of that right now just to get his name on the list. They pretty much laughed him out of the clubhouse.
Some time later, I had a school mate who had a house backing onto the golf course. Occasionally, stray golf balls would land in his garden, which he would collect.
After some time he had a couple of carrier bags worth and our plan was to go over to the club house and sell them back to the golf club at 20p per ball, then spend the rest of the afternoon in the local Wimpy stuffing our faces and then on to the local bowling alley’s arcade to play Outrun with the remaining change.
As we strolled down the golf course, somewhere around the 7th green some tartan clad, beetroot faced fat cunt came bounding up to us demanding to know what we were doing there and then snatched the carrier bags, accusing us of theft and threatening to call the police.
We were gutted.
On our way back to my mates house, he ducked around a copse, lifted the flag out of the 9th hole, handed it to me and proceeded to pull down his Lee Coopers and crimp one off into the hole. It didn’t even touch the sides. A feat worthy of 617 squadron.
A few weeks later every window in the clubhouse was smashed and the damage blamed on vandals. I already knew who did it. Although he would never admit to it.
The snooty cunts.
20
A truly justified cunting of a disease that infects clubs of all types I find P. Chisel. The sad thing here is that it costs money to join most clubs with some including gyms being prohibitively expensive.
When you join a lot of these places, you soon realise that people (cunts) have changed very little from their schooldays. Instead of finding grown up sociability and a release from the normal everyday pressures of work and family you find you are simply adding another layer of complication that you could do without. That complication is namely ‘people’. So many different personality types from different backgrounds and upbringings. One thing is fairly constant though. Most, but not all people it has to be said, mature physically and academically, but rarely mature emotionally beyond age 12, which is why all this school playground shit exists particularly where you have groups congregating. An friend of mine moved to Holland and as an experienced hockey player was looking for a suitable club. He managed to join a field hockey club over there but the cunts ran the club for the benefit of old established members and their fucking egos. He said the ‘faces’ and their friends were often selected for matches on the basis of nepotistic preference as according to him they played like knock knee’d fairies wearing a shitty nappy, the useless twatts.
Personally, I don’t think anyone should pay a penny in club membership fees for a couple of weeks until they see what the club culture is and whether they will benefit from it or not. Those cunts will gladly take your fee up front and if you leave after one visit it’s neither here nor there to them as they’ve still got your money. You’re on your own in this world.
6
Apart from the council gym the only club I was ever a member of was a squash club courtesy of the company I worked for. It was only social membership so we had access to bar and we were allowed to watch the ‘real’ members play squash, because of course I would do that. I’ve just remembered that the only reason we went was they had a pool table that was used almost exclusively by the plebs, ie us. A group of us were eventually banned, for reasons that I never did discover, and we then spent many a happy evening in the far cheaper and more atmospheric pub across the road.
7
Moggie, when I used to play pool, I used my walking stick as there was only one snookery stick to go round and sometimes the person with it would be a bit possessive.
6
The facilities at the club were apparently first class, even the pool table was clean, levelled, the surface brushed regularly, the balls and large number of varying cues replaced regularly. I never knew how much the corporate social membership cost but I gather it wasn’t cheap. Then again, this was a club round the corner from where we worked, up the road from the Bank of England.
3
An excellent maiden cunting PC.
6
I nominate Nick Ferrari and his bullshit about Islam being peaceful, Islamophobia yadda yadda yadda
Sick to death of journalists defending the Middle Eastern version of Nazism
The Koran is just as bad as Mein Kampf
Not sure what this has to do with cliquey sports clubs! But by all means create a nomination for Mr Ferrari by clicking the Nominate or Cunt Me buttons – admin
9
The problem with these clubs is they have no time for anyone who isn’t very good at the particular sport, you can bet your life if you were a good tennis player or golfer the cunts would be sucking your cock.
I played table tennis for 25 years and you soon see that the fuckers who run clubs/leagues have little time for the social player, only interested in the elite. The social mob are just a means to an end, the fees they contribute. Cunts!
7
My chess club had a visit from a genuine grandmaster last year. You should have seen the way our little chairman attempted to get his tongue as far up his arse as is physically possible. Fucking embarrassing. Sycophantic little cunt.
8
In my experience most clubs are more about social climbing and showing off rather than the actual interest.
My wife started a book club in the village which was soon hijacked by teachers who took over. One silly bitch, a headmistress no less, would come armed with pages she’d printed from Google and just sit there and recite them. Another recommended an 800 page tome so dense that Will Shakespeare would have struggled to decipher it. What is it with teachers? Same when they do pub quizzes. Manic. Desperate to win.
When I sang in folk clubs it often felt like some sort of competition. And incredibly cliquey.
Clubs are really a microcosm of the English class system. Full of snobs and know alls.
10
The chairman of my chess club is an officious little prick who reached the heady heights of bus driver in his career. Chess is obviously a serious matter and he’s completely devoid of any sense of humour. Everyone calls him Captain Mainwaring behind his back. He thinks he’s some sort of Grand Master and looks down his nose at those he considers inferior players to himself. To my great satisfaction I managed to beat him in an online tournament recently. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Cunt.
8
There are two types of people that join sports clubs:
Those that can play.
Those that can’t and join the “committee”.
Many of the same types frequent these places:
The Walt. Usually prematurely balding, mid 40’s plus, lives with mother, overweight, invades your personal space, complete with his b/o. Usually makes a bee-line for new members, particularly female and the fucker is like a limpit.
The sore loser: one of life’s under achievers. Beat him at your peril-this count will hold a grudge till the grave.
The superstar: thus cunt actually won something, back in the 1990’s and walks around looking down his nose at everyone else.
The lips: has his lips fastened firmly to the arse of the superstar, above.
The secretary: bitter that he does all the work and the chairman gets more kudos. Often middle management and under achieved in life: sex, wealth, career etc
The chairman: likes the kudos, hates any workload. Quite often has a masters from the Bernard Manning charm school.
Join a club? No fucking thanks😂😂😂😂
17
Most of these cunts never made it into management; even at the lower levels . Hence the need for power and to feel important.
2
Most of these clubs are run by little Napoleon’s with tiny dicks who love throwing their weight around.
I’ve been to poncy gyms like David Lloyd’s and they are full of arseholes, that’s why I stick to the spit and sawdust types. Much better type of steroid pumped gym user in these.
5
Local air rifle club – full of twats in camo clothing cuddling together for comfort and channelling their inner Rambo. I lasted a month.
2
Only serious hunters, fishermen, wildlife filmmakers and of course serving members of HM forces should wear cammo.
Sounds like you had a lucky escape from a bunch of fucking walts😂😂😂
6
Sounds like the ISAC day trip to Brid DS! 😄
Right, back to sterilising Uighurs 😄👍
3
Lasted about the same with the twats at my local club when I was a teen.
Apparently an ASI Magnum really wasn’t target air rifle material and I would need to come back with something in the region of £1100 worth of underpowered .177 shit if I wanted to continue shooting there.
I think they were pissed off that my grouping was just as good on open sights as they were on the uber expensive reflective target scopes.
Wankers.
2
I sympathize with this nom as I was once a member of a sports club in Brazil and was appalled by the petty-mindedness of the committee members who laid down the rules. There was more competitiveness between them and their supporters – who ganged up like political parties at election time – than anyone on the running track, swimming pool, football pitch or tennis court. It also had a huge social area and once when I was plonking away at a piano in an empty ballroom a club employee told me to stop as the “directors”, as they were styled, had forbidden it to be played except during social events. When I asked him to show me the resolution in the club minutes where this appeared, he hadn´t a clue what I was talking about.
I once asked them to consider introducing baseball as it was a fairly simple game that did not require a lot of expensive equipment and girls as well as boys liked it. I also said it would be a good opportunity for the kids to learn some English terms but the idea was summarily quashed without any explanation.
Many of the members were retired and used the place as an extension to their homes, spending most days there, having lunch, meeting their friends. Good for them but they showed no gratitude to those of us who used the facilities more sparingly and were subsidizing them. I got so fed up with the way things went that I left in the end. My membership was snapped up immediately at a horrifically high price. I only got my original payment back and the club kept an enormous profit.
4
The only club I wanted to join was the Calais dinghy club but there is a massive waiting list as some of the benefits are great
You never get in dinghy alone always about 70 people willing to sail with you
If you complete your 21 mile crossing of the channel you get escorted into port by a big boat full of nice people who give you money and even a house plus more money for life and never have to pay for anything,even get your teeth fixed and free hospital treatment if you need it
So shove your other clubs up your arse and join this one
11
Ha ha, fucking spot on
2
Best of all you never have to work and being melanistically advantaged in the waaaaycism department and in all likelihood a Slave of Allah and follower of the most successful paedophile, psychopathic murderer and rapist in history means you’ll never be given any grief. Free housing and as many Postal Votes as you like. ALLACHHHHHHU AKHBLAAAAARRRGH!
1
I think it was Groucho Marx who said ‘I wouldn’t want to join any club that would have me as a member’. All the clubs I’ve joined have turned to shit after a good beginning, including one I helped to start, and it’s all because of cunts who want to be more important than others. Human nature fucks it up every time.
1
Not really cliquey as such, but I recently quit my membership at a shooting range. It’s a bit of a trek and we’re moving anyway, so it needed to be done.
Monthly dues got paid by CC early in the month – not exactly sure of the date. I emailed them my cancellation towards the middle of the month and asked them to confirm when my last day of membership would be (you know – since I’d already paid for a full month). The dopey cow emailed me straight back and said she’d cancelled my membership that day!
That’s effectively stealing from me which I thought was risky considering the nature of the club. Cunt.
1
I’ve played bowls for over 40 years now. Only ever been a member of 2 clubs in that time. There’s a crowd of us that have known each other for all those years and been successful in the game. We basically rip the piss out of the club Hitlers . New members are quickly brought in to the fold and berated if they’re not a total pisshead like the rest of us.
All the other clubs in the county hate us to a point of obsession. Our success, our team spirit and a constant pursuit of laughs and drinking. It’s a fucking nightmare to all the sensible, miserable twats that play for other clubs and I fucking love it.
1
When I was a little laddie I joined the Dennis The Menace Fan Club. I did it to get the badges, especially the Gnasher one with the goggly eyes.
4
Norm I remember sending away to join it aswell in the beano fuck i seen Dennis the menace on tv the other day its fuck all like I remember from the comics he has a load of mates ones even a raspberry and they dont even bully anyone it’s pure shite
2
If they did a Dennis The Menace film (like the original comics) that little cunt, Daniel Twatcliffe would be ideal as Walter Prince of the Softies, with Emma Twatson as Foo Foo, his pet poodle.
1
Yeah Walter was a wee fruit always getting fucked over by Dennis a Gnasher ratcliff would be ideal a weedy speccy faggy wee twat
1