I’ve been using this site for a while now, but this is my first post, so please be nice. Basically, I want to nominate cliquey sports clubs. I’ve been a member of a few of these institutions over the years and have found that on the whole they comprise cliques of people who won’t give you the time of day. You’re new, you try to make the effort to get to know people, but always remain on the periphery of their little groups.

Tennis clubs are generally the worst for this and I’ve heard similar stories from other people in the same position. The last club I joined was a nightmare. There were even people who went along just to be seen and I don’t think I ever saw them pick up a racket. I lasted about 6 months before an incident saw me ejected. One night, this pair who always played doubles together (part of the main clique) were asked to split to mix everyone up, which sounds fair enough to me. One of them was asked to play with me and wasn’t happy about it from the off. Anyway, I was playing like a bastard and we were losing as a result and this prick starts berating me. It’s an unwritten rule that you can get annoyed with yourself (which I frequently do), but never your doubles partner even if they’re fucking shit which I was. As the set progressed, he was getting more and more pissed off to the point where he said “I didn’t ask to be partnered with you”. So, I proceeded to over to where he was standing and told him I’d wrap my racket around his head if he didn’t shut the fuck up. Needless to say; he told the committee and I was asked not to come back. I virtually had to threaten to burn the clubhouse down to get the rest of my membership fee returned.

Another club I tried was archery. I did this as a kid and was quite good at it. The club I belonged to back then was great so I thought why not get back into it? I perused the internet and found a local outfit who billed themselves as “a friendly club”, so I made some inquiries and got myself along. It wasn’t fucking friendly though was it?

The people there turned out to be a bunch of socially-inept fuckwits who I’d normally cross the street to avoid. Anyway, I persevered a for a few weeks until one fateful night. The field we used on a school campus had on this one occasion been double booked and we were relegated to a small corner behind the bike sheds. T

he person who made the error to their credit came over to apologise to us and the club’s treasurer thought he’d have a pop and sent this poor sod away with a flee in their ear. I was really embarrassed by this and followed this person to apologise and state that I appreciated their efforts to make things right and that this committee member had not spoken for all of us. When I got back, they asked me what I had said to this person and I explained that I had to apologise for that awful spectacle.

When challenged, I proceeded to explain to this committee member in front of his shit-caked friends that I deal with some awkward cunts at work most days, but am paid well for it and I don’t want to be doing this in my free time for no money. Needless to say, I wasn’t invited back.

From what I’ve seen and apologies if I’m generalising here; most people who become committee members in these clubs are those who’ve failed in their careers and either want a bit of power or the feeling that they’re contributing something. I manage both a team and projects at work and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to be spending my free time doing it!

Nominated by: Piss Chisel