Public Urinals

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Splish splash you´re having a slash, staring stoically straight ahead. No peeping to the left or right in case your neighbor gets the wrong idea and thinks you´re sizing him up*. What bothers me now is that I tend to hang around for what seems like hours shaking off the final drips and giving the impression that I am waiting for some homo action. This is because I had an operation about 10 years ago which basically circumcised me and left no handy little foreskin space where droplets could linger.

Nowadays, a pee followed by a brief feeble shake then tucking the snake back into its place usually results in a rivulet of amber fluid down my thigh and a give-away stain on my trousers. For this reason I try to avoid public urinals in bars, restaurants, cafes etc. In countries like Brazil it´s common to see pissers openly wiping and drying their cocks with paper towels but it´s not a practice I´ve seen in Europe or the US.

*BTW, Lenny Bruce once said the ending of desegregated bogs (“restrooms” in American speak) destroyed the myth that blacks had enormous dongs. But let´s not go into that in case we offend Black Cocks Matter.

Nominated by: Mr Polly

54 thoughts on “Public Urinals”

  1. Nowt like a slash when your bursting after a few beers, truly magical the relief of slacking the bladder, aaahhhh.
    Dont know why the boys from Brazil wipe their winkles with tissue?
    Seems a bit fruity?
    Cant trust foreigners.
    If your a bit shy at trough, other blokes etc,
    Need to get over it,
    Be more confident,
    Beam with joviality!
    Strike up a chit chat,
    Love a chit chat me!
    “Hello! Whats your name?
    Been on holiday?
    Whats that a scar or a tattoo?
    Race you!”

    Like that.

    • Take care Miserable!
      This is a true story from a few years back.
      A PERV who hid in a pub toilet to spy on men weeing, ended up being hunted by cops.
      Horrified drinker Dan Fowle spotted the Peeping Tom’s eye watching him through
      a hole in a wall at the urinals.
      He alerted the pub manager and the pair found the sicko in an unused
      urine-soaked room behind the wall.
      Dan, 24, who chased the voyeur through the bar before he got away, explained:
      “At first I thought it was my own reflection because I’d had a few drinks.
      But then I saw it blink back at me.”
      The surveyor had been celebrating his girlfriend Chloe’s birthday at the
      packed Metropolitan Bar at Baker Street Tube station in central London.
      Dan said of the fiend: “He had made a little den.
      This room was soaked in urine overflowing from the toilets, it was
      disgusting. I find it sickening that someone could just lie in this stinking
      dungeon and watch men wee.
      “How could anyone get a kick from that?”
      Staff at the Wetherspoon pub found pipes had been unscrewed to make a
      spy-hole. Cops have appealed for witnesses after viewing CCTV.

      The lesson to be learned here from this PEE-ping Tom is : –
      – Stay alert, avoid a pervert, keep away from dives.

      • Eeww! Thats the sort of behaviour your only expect from politicians or prime time celebrities isnt it Bertie?!!
        Once when conducting a H&S audit on a supermarket I found a ‘glory hole’.
        A circular hole in the cubicle wall where men can pop their willies through to each other!
        Imagine that?
        Sat in a meditative state quite happy making toilet and some ducky type pushes his helmet through?
        Theyre a funny bunch arent they?
        Cry at Bambi but happy to shove sausage through a partition wall.

      • This is when a Swiss Army knife can come in handy.
        If some perv sticks his dick through, just spear it !!

    • Ever had that thing were must be a kink in the plumbing or the foreskins not folded or something and you get 2 jets of piss?
      Hate that.

      • ‘Spunk in pipe blockage’ mixed with ‘dodgy foreskin foldage’ when it went floppy.

        Medical terms I learned from the Lancet.

      • But yes it happens to me too sometimes. I then have what I call a ‘helicopter piss’.

      • I think it’s the japseye gets stuck together halfway across. Probably due in my case to dubious personal hygiene

  3. My sympathy is with you Mr,P Excuse the pun, same prob as me after an op and before the op it was a half an hour of agony trying to piss what felt like broken glass.
    The trick when an amorous chutney ferret arse bandit turns up is fuck off homo because my boot will fit up your arse with the proper amount of force applied, so it will be ice cubes for a month unless you fuck off now….
    These fuckers must get a regular slap trying this sort of thing in public toilets in the style of George Michael.

    • I just let them look Fugly in exchange for coins for the jukebox.

    • My sympathies for your problem Fug. I know where you’re coming from. Once spent a couple of days of sheer misery trying to piss out a kidney stone. Fucking nightmare.

  4. If you’re worried about splashing just stand five feet from the urinal.
    Nothing like making others uncomfortable to get you all relaxed.

  5. Not sure where you live Mr Polly but public urinals as such have largely ceased to exist in London for years unless you happen to be visiting a shopping centre or department store and the latter would be considered to be customer toilets. The overwhelming smell of smegma otherwise known as ‘the Billingsgate odour’ was always prominent in public urinals and could be smelt 50ft away from the entrance.
    Filthy disgusting places with wet floors from leaking u-bends and blokes playing ‘highest up the wall. Cracked sinks with unsecured taps that either didn’t work or drenched you when you pushed the knob down. Oh yeah, and if there was even a thin slice of hard soap with grey cracks in it to use, you felt lucky. They were truly a massive bio-hazard cunt, but essential cunts nonetheless and now the nearest to that hideous experience can only be found in pub bogs on a Friday night.

    I would always use those places as quickly as possible staring up at the cistern and admiring the pipework like everyone else and then exit with splash marks on my trousers that I hoped women wouldn’t notice. I could never understand why some men would look right and left at their neighbours while in mid stream. I never did (or don’t) do that. So fucking embarrassing. One of the last times I ever used a public street urinal I walked in and noticed two young Herbert’s standing at the piss gutter about 10ft apart, so I went into a pan and locked the door to drain the serpent. I couldn’t hear any movement outside so I stayed in there for about five minutes and thought “well I’ve got to leave here at some point” so I threw the door open so it smashed against the wall and the two cunts that were there when I entered suddenly sprang back into position as if they were still pissing.

    That did it for me. I started carrying a bottle and a newspaper in the car from then on. Cunts.

    • Truck drivers Tizer, bottles of piss strewn all along the hard shoulders of Britains motorways.

  6. Mr Fiddler’s guest house amenities are looking a bit worn in that picture, though I do appreciate the effort he made to spruce it up by leaving a nice pile in between the urinal separations.

  7. They say the last drop always goes down your leg. if you’re a slow pisser like me it’s always going to be a problem. I had an operation once called Urethral Dilatation which is suppose to widen the tube, they’d gone in to extract a stone but found I’d passed it so decided they may as well do this instead. Hasn’t made any difference, I still have to keep dabbing the end after a piss. I avoid urinals, some cunt might accuse me of having a wank.

  8. Really don’t like public urinals, I know he’s dead but the fear of George Michael leaping at me pulling on his cock singing come outside is terrifying……

  9. Prostate problems is a cunt. I feel as if I’m going to piss myself, get to the gents and nothing happens for 15 secs and then pass 10mm. It is a proper bastard.

    • Deepest sympathy. I know exactly what you mean regarding prostate problems (my nom de plume says it all). Don’t let it get you down. Keep your pecker up.

  10. I always use the handicapped toilets. They are always spotlessly clean and if you can ignore all the handles and pulleys are really rather restful….there is none of that worrying that someone at one of the stalls will start making retching noises or suggest that you seek medical help/phone Dynorod when you drop your load.

    If challenged by some busybody when leaving as to my “disability” …I tell them that I suffer from Galloping Knob-Rot with Tourette’s complications and waddle off shouting “Scabby cock…Fuck Off….Cunts” while waving my arms about and pulling a Joey Deacon face…my cunning ploy has fooled even the most suspicious waiting raspberry or store-security into believing that I really am entitled to use the “differently-abled” facilities.

    Fuck Off.

    • If challenged just tell them the truth Dick, that you’re crippled inside. 😃

      • What a cruel thing to say….I shall say a prayer for your Soul.

        🙂 .

      • How delightful!

        You look like a young Bob Dylan with Shirley Temple ringlets.

      • “One thing you cant hide
        Is when your crippled inside”..🎵😁

      • Evening Dick,
        Yes, out in the hills with the dog and missus Miserable, needed it after a hard weeks work.
        You been anywhere?
        Whats this about having to register to go the pub?
        Sounds a stupid idea to me, just open the fuckin doors and get the tills working!
        Poor fuckers havent earnt since March.

      • So the government can trace you in case someone in the pub at the same time tested positive for Corona.

        20 people in a pub and they need to register before entry. Arrange an illegal street party and the police will arrive and kneel as they serve you snacks, if you live in the right (not white) area.

        What fuckery is this and why are we putting up with it?

      • Exactly Sixdog.
        20 people having a few beers bit of food, goverment wants to keep tabs on them.
        2000 fuckin savages party in the street?
        Coppers stood watching some taking the knee.
        Like weve stepped into the fuckin twilight zone.

      • Registering to dine or drink out along with much of the other behaviours and slogans are variations on the same drills foisted on us here in Oz, and I dare say many other places.

        It’s clearly straight out of the international health plandemic playbook, which I’m sure has been written for a loooong time and they were just itching to try out

      • Been pissing down here all day so just watched the racing this afternoon.

        I can’t see how Pubs’ll be able to make it pay…table-service only,keeping check that people have registered,keeping check on how many people are in,extra cleaning costs etc.
        There’s already one near me where the boss told me that he’s not going to bother and is just going to reopen as a B+B and another that has announced that they will not be reopening until everyone is “safe”….more like furlough money ends and they don’t reopen at all, I suspect.

      • I get the feeling after being cash starved for months a lot of landlords will take a ‘open interpretation’ of these daft rules.
        I think the landlord in my regular will definitely not bother with this Bollocks.

      • @ S.V.

        All this register by App…….most of my area has very poor mobile-phone reception ( I just have a basic mobile for work ) …they seem to forget that making mobile phones into de facto identity-cards only works if everyone has one…out in the sticks,many people don’t.

      • Fuck em, if you can enter and stay in the country without registering I ain’t registering for no tracking app.

        English by birth, here by right

      • You’ll have to order your pint outside via mobile, receive a PIN number, wear an irritating mask, the bar staff, including the buxom barmaids, will all be decked out in biohazard suits and WWII gas masks, every square inch will have to be sanitised every 10 seconds… it’ll be like drinking in an operating theatre with extra physical distancing rules.

        It’s gonna be great – the new normal doncha know.

    • Also, there is a panic button in there just in case the george michael appreciation society decides to starve you out.

      • It’s handy if you’ve been on a Guinness binge and a bit tardy getting the shreddies down….ring the bell and they’ll bring you a fresh pair while saying “Ah,Bless…”

  11. Public toilet attendant retires after 40 years of service and is interviewed by local tv station. “What’s your abiding memory of working here, Mr Smith”. “Well son, when I started, the place was brand new, very clean and I was proud to work here. As the years went on, the place went downhill, with the number of druggies and homosexuals increasing every year. In fact, when someone comes in for a shite now, it’s like a breath of fresh air”

    • Hiya CS,
      Late 70s early 80s?
      Im 50 so id of been between 7 to 12 yrs old,
      Your not that ‘ducky darling’ type tried molesting me in trap2 are you?
      Lucky for me you couldnt get a stalk on or id of been in real trouble!!
      Remember you cried,
      Saying its not your fault you was a monster haha
      You truly was the saddest pee do in the world😁

  14. CS
    Why did your first wife leave you?
    Cant just be because your boring, she didnt find out your in the ‘register’ did she?

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