Life insurance
I´ve just discovered the American Discovery channel´s true crime series and what an eye-opener it has been. After watching three of them straight through I was scared to go into the kitchen in case my wife, daughter, neighbor, former girlfriend, bank manager or anyone I´ve ever been in contact with shot, axed, stabbed or beat me to death with a baseball bat. Virtually all the episodes are about murders the police have had real problems in solving and in most cases the murderer was the last person you expected, often a spouse or close relative. Happy families – you must be kidding!
After a week riveted to the screen I told my wife very loudly that I did not have a life insurance policy and asked her if she had taken any out on me. She looked a bit evasive and said “No”. I´m not sure I believe her because she has also started watching the series, generally on her own, and the reason behind many of these murders has been that the wife can get her greedy little fingers on a huge life insurance policy on her husband.
This is a public alert. Don´t say you haven´t been warned ISACers.
Nominated by Mr Polly
I don’t have any life insurance….I’m sure that my remaining family will derive enough pleasure from hearing of my demise without me also providing funds for them to have a party ( I’ve no doubt that it would involve my corpse,a bonfire and a lot of fireworks )
Although I might “let slip” to someone who stays in touch with them that I do actually have life insurance…it’ll add to the tears and anger when they see my will and discover just what I’ve done with “their” inheritance.
13
Morning Mr Fiddler.
No insurance here either. But my will carries instructions for the solicitor to turn all my assets into cash, gather the family, read out what they could do with the money and then set in all on fire.
I am toying with the idea of providing a backing track of hysterical laughter.
13
I thought you had left you “vast estates” to Fiddler University to endow a chair of gender and multicultural studies. I had my eye on that job you selfish bastard.
Next time someone mentions George Floyd, ask if they’ve heard of Mubarak Bala…
https://mikesplace2017.wordpress.com/2020/06/06/quote-of-the-day-81/
9
George Floyd and his fake $20 has a lot to answer for, a petty criminal who has now been elevated to sainthood.
Murdered by a police officer who has been arrested and charged, the justice system will decide the fate of the perpetrator.
David Dorn, a black man murdered by looters (Probably Black) but I don’t see his name on the posters, he will never get justice but who cares, he was a former cop so doesn’t count, black lives only matter is they are the underclass and oppressed by the whitey.
16
Was he a petty criminal? I’m not sure if it’s a load of shit, but I’ve seen references to his past crimes, including a home invasion burglary, where he pistol whipped a pregnant woman, and put the gun on her stomach, threatening her unborn child. I haven’t seen this in the press though, only pictures of him with his mum. If true, it doesn’t change what happened to him, but it does provide some context as to why he was restrained for possibly violently resisting arrest.
14
Yes, I agree he was a dangerous Petty criminal.
6
My wife applied for my life insurance fo some unknown reason –
“Do you smoke ?” YES!
“How much do you drink?” AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!
“Do you take regular exercise” DO I FUCK!
“Any ailments?” YES! …..AIDS!
“Can you provide a sample of urine” FOR FREE? GET FUCKED!
12
I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER….. OR DIE TRYING!
7
When I tuned 45 (50?) I was invvited to go along to the local surgery for an “MOT” ….they hadn’t seen me in years. When he asked about my drinking, I halved my consumption and knocked another 15 pints off. At the end he announced that I was basically a fat alcoholic who smoked too much. He did however admit that the “fat” part was actually down to the way that the figure is calculated and not that I was a bloater.
I agreed with the alcoholic who smoked too much but as I said to him…I seemed to be doing remarkably well on it. I haven’t been back for any more “MOTs”…indeed I’ve only been back the once since and that was when I had a kidney-stone…..luckily I managed to piss it out before either going to the hospital or exploding.
Morning Daz
Morning All.
9
While we’re at it I’m not paying for my own cunting funeral. Il be dead so my family can stick me up their arses as far as I’m concerned. Fuck sunlife. Cunts.
10
I think the whole family are in for a bit of a surprise when they find out I have left everything to the dog.
7
These days any bloke can be murdered by his wife/partner and she walks away free. You are watching Match of the Day, cursing Linekunt, and she blatantly sticks a bread knife in your throat. Very messy.
She turns up in court with a sob story about she suffered years of physical and mental abuse from you. She was too terrified to go to the hospital or the police obviously. What a fucking cunt you were, honestly. Jury cry like babies and bring in Not Guilty. Worst that can happen, guilty of manslaughter, suspended sentence, three years probation. That’s the modern way, nobody gives a fuck about a dead whiteman.
19
Shouldn’t laugh but my MIL was friends with an elderly lady who had a nice place in Muswell Hill, no family and money stashed away.
The MIL thought she was in for a right Brucie Bonus when the old girl snuffed it. Sadly, she was frail for some time and moved into a care home. Her house and money was liquidated to pay for her care.
As goes the story of Mother Hubbard, when the old dear snuffed it, the cupboard was bare. My MIL was a tad disappointed to say the least.
Happy endings all around.
10
Morning.
I havent got life insurance either, was toying with the idea of getting it.
Everything split 50/50 to the kids if I outlive the missus.
Like Dick I got a invite for my 50yr MOT but didnt bother, not seen a quack in years,
Im 20 stone which makes me sound like a bloater,
But considering im 6ft 8in its spread out a fair bit!
A doctor said according to a chart I should be 15stone, which would make me look like a bulimic giraffe.
I take what doctors say with a pinch of salt and tend to ignore them.
8
The more people who want to piss on your grave, the more worthwhile and fulfilling your life has been.
In my case I hope that numbers in the thousands.
And they’re welcome. I’m going to be cremated and have my ashes scattered on a minefield.
I’ll have the mines laid out such as to spell CUNT, which sort of goes without saying.
9
Im being cremated too.
And if the kids want anything in the will they have to scatter my ashes on Kinder Scout hope theres a strong wind and I blow straight back in the urn!
Make them ‘urn’ their inheritance.
8
Have all your assets turned to cash and then have it all burned. Put a video on soshal meeja.
Split screen it with a recording of yourself shortly before your demise. Ideally looking frail on your deathbed, finest 15 year old malt in one hand, foot long Cuban in the other. Surrounded by nubile young nymphettes in skimpy nurse outfits.
Celebrating your hedonistic and selfish time on earth and telling all those who hoped to gain, in the most eloquent and flowery cuntish, just how comprehensively and acrobatically they can go and fuck themselves.
You will then worthily enter cunt Valhalla there to spend eternity among
the magnificent pantheon of cunts who made western civilisation what it is.
May you cunt in peace!
5
Urned out nice again..😁
4
Sorry Peachy, last post should of been above to the Eric & urn one!
Hulme used to be a very dodgy place in late 80s early 90s, went a odd party there when it was the crescents, now knocked down, there was a book about the place as it was, full of new age travellers, squatters etc
Bit like st pauls in Bristol.
3
Carefully put down Bertie’s pun book back down on the table Miserable, and back away very slowly.
He wont be happy when he wakes up and finds out all the best ones have been taken.
4
Hehee, hes left it too you in his will LL, once again I get nowt.
Luckily for me Rtc has promised me yours and Berties share of Creampuff Manor, I peomised to keep willie on as staff and build a water feature in the garden in his memory!
2
No life insurance, and I have bequeathed everything I own to certain highly entertaining/intellectually-arresting cunters on here!
4
Nope, no life insurance, what I leave behind won’t be worth fighting over.
4
I do wonder why a few people take the death of family members a bit too well, sometimes….. True story, go to a CAT 1 job, catastrophic haemorrhage, old biddy. Job is ‘as given’ and she’s dead but warm. As the son if she has a DNAR – (Do Not Attempt Resuscitation form) – before we started ALS. His reply?
‘Don’t know, but she’s got a funeral plan. I’ll get it for you’.
She died. The rich tapestry of life, eh?
8
LOL.
🙂 .
5
When I die some cunt can stick me in the oven.
Few cans would be nice as well.
Insurance companies can fuck off.
6
Unkle Terry, which oven? The oven labeled ‘For moussaka only’?
https://is-a-cunt.com/2020/06/queuing-for-hours/
5
Just been told by the mrs she has one but only £8000. Hardly worth raising my hand above my head with the hedge trimmer
3
The fella in the nomination picture, is that Dr Quincy?
0
Looks a bit like my dad to be honest ?!?!
1
If I ever choose to die it will be on my one hundred and forty eighth birthday making frenzied love to my busty 18 year old Wife for the ninth time.
I want my ashes loaded into a thousand pound bomb which will then be dropped on the home of whichever French president is in charge at the time.
Works for me!
Oops, sorry – by then France will be under Chinese rule and there will be a civil war with the muslims so best have a pretty big nuclear device! 😄👍💥☠
And fuck life insurance – I have enough put by to be buried, that will do, but I will hire around fifty gorgeous Women to cry at the funeral and shout “terrible shame – he was the best fuck I ever had”!
3
Foxy just for mischief im going to turn up and cry you were my best fuck too!😁
2
Major kudos to admin for the picture. That really made me laugh. Don’t mind a bit of Maury when I’m in the mood. It tends to be a bit too shouty though. I’m more of a Steve Wilkos person. He does more kîddy fîddler stories which are much funnier than shagging around and baby daddy stories. “I would NEVER hurt my daughter like that. She’s my life, man”…….”Yeah, well you did you scumbag. Get off my fucking stage!!”. Do you get Steve Wilkos in the UK? It’s hysterical.
As for life insurance, I don’t have any either. Over here in Yankland – where they’re not used to my world view – life insurance is often touted as being part of your benefits package from your employer. Along with paid time off, health insurance, etc. I’ve often pointed out that life insurance is not a benefit because as the employee, it doesn’t provide me with any benefit whatsoever – because I’d be dead. Same argument if I were single and had no living family. Who would be the beneficiary then? Hence, it’s not a benefit so stop including it as part of the overall ‘compensation package’. Cunts.
Mrs. Yank knows if she wants a big payout in the event of my untimely demise, she can pay the fucking premiums because there’s nothing in it for me to pay them myself. Think about it.
4
On the Nazi side orf the family have some relatives who thought they were on to a right result when their aging uncle offered them his house arter his death in return for care including arse wiping, meals, maintenance, bills ect ect for the rest of his natural. He was then in his eighties and living alone. A good each way punt you may think but time passed and passed and his needs escalated. They were worn ragged and were continually shelling oit as time passed.
Point is the gaff was a vast lakeside mansion in the Austrian Tyrol once favoured by the likes orf Himmler, Goebbels, Rohm and the Fuhrer for private goings orn. Eisenhower commandeered it after the war. Only the best. Now this is where fate takes a hand. Old uncle Walter made it to the ton and then well past it to become Austria’s oldest man. Finally snuffed it courtesy a dose orf insulin at the age orf 110.
Deny that Yours Truly’s advice was ever sought or acted upon in the matter. Austria has strict laws aboite this sorf of thing.
Point is the monetary gain from the gaff went doine the plughole many years ago because the relatives took oite loans to cover the spiraling cost. Final peach in the bowl is the ongoing battle with other relatives over the inheritance and the trousering orf much moolah by M’Learned Friends. Gotta laugh but only because YT has no stake in it.
5
Damn and bugger. Fucking post has blanked on me and cannot add another gag. If this hoopla is working please amend last but one para to read
Deny that Your’s Truly’s advice was ever sought or acted upon in the matter. Austria has strict laws aboite this sort orf thing – unless the party is Jewish.
2
All very thought provoking. Mine has been nagging and shaming me about life insurance for yonks, I can’t see the point in insuring against death.
2
Made the mistake of letting the SO know how much life insurance I have. Since then, she had me up and down fucking ladders, re wiring the National Grid and all kinds of dangerous shite! Will feel safer when I get back to sea!
2