Trespassers

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Tresspassers are right self entitled cunts. Gayly clambering over gates with a sign on to fuck off yet ignoring it or making out they can’t see the footpath signs. Since the lockdown I have loads of people walking down my non-public Lane. A first world problem some will say. Yes it is but they’re still cunts.

Saw 6 people today climbing over a gate with no right of way sign. Challenged the fuckers and told them it was private land and the gobby woman said ‘since when?’

I’m going to get some barbed wire and put it on the gate. Will love to see them get over that next time. Cunts.

Nominated by Cuntologist

63 thoughts on “Trespassers”

  1. Sometimes the line between private property and public right of way can blur a little, never willingly trespass on someones property and can see how this can infuriate but if its a public footpath? Im going to walk it.

    • Cuntologist, re: your gate – Liquid bitumen with somw roofing nails the pointy way up till the bitumen sets works equally well.

      If you want to go a step further ; a deep ditch filled with sharpened bamboo stakes, hidden by some branches – comes highly recommended by Ho Chi Minh & the Vietcong 🙂

  2. I trespass for miles every day. No houses. No gates – rural Lincolnshire does not have many animals to keep in. I bother no fucker and seldom see any fucker, just the birds, deer and the odd hare. A fox very occasionally but these are country foxes, very shy, nothing like their urban brothers. And the odd fly tipper. The cunts.

  3. Has Krav been expelIed? I hope not. The only thing we have in common is that he wants to come in Justin Bieber’s face and I’d like to piss in Justin Bieber’s face, but there’s something entertaining about a militant Jewish poof.

  4. Trespass? In this country it depends who you are. As far as I can see the law of trespass and the concept of private property doesn’t apply to gyppos.
    Neither do the laws of the highway now I come to think about it.

    • It’s a funny thing, Freddie.

      If you drive a pickup truck over here, you’re automatically excluded from having to follow any of the Yank highway code. Despite the fact you’re now driving a 2+ ton vehicle with cattle bars at the front which could kill/maim practically anything. Cunts.

  5. Barbed wire is a visible deterrent, fair enough, a shit load of grease or er, shit, just out of view is an effective revenge though.
    “gerrorf my laaaand” said some Viz character one time.

      • This land used to be in the hands of a few robber barons and chinless royals, the owned the hills, rivers, mountains, woods and all the wildlife on them.
        You could be hung for poaching a rabbit for your hungry family.
        Fuck that.
        Nowadays you can wander about more freely and Jonty in his second home doesnt like me walking on the path that cuts through his grounds? Tough shit.
        Take it up with your MP.
        You went school together.

      • Ah… the good old days Miserable… before capitalism and democracy ruined everything.

      • Afternoon Ruff,
        Yes simpler times when you could hang a child for stealing a crust of bread!☺
        Didnt they know bread goes straight to the hips?

      • The land around me is still owned by a chinless cunt – Sir Reg Sheffield, Cameron’s father in law.
        The cunts.

      • Brave lads all Bertie!
        The coppers and hired hands got stuck in.
        But these were not soy milk drinking middle managers, a lot of them were factory workers, etc
        Fought back!👍👍

      • I reckon that’s Fiddler’s grandad seeing those roughnecks off with his cane in the second photograph. 😂

        Afternoon lads.

      • That means you live around Burton Stather ish then Mr. Cuntbubble. We’re often around those parts.

      • That’s the one RTC, I was just a little reticent to mention that particular ‘F’ word after recent events. 😉
        Salt of the earth and all that.

      • Red sky at noyt…. get orff my laaaand ! ‘im were woryin’ moi sheep !

        I always prefered ‘Big Vern’ myself … “I don’t like it Ernie… the kid looks green”

    • A nice carvery at the Ferry House and Winterton chippy takes some beating!

      • Yes but which Winterton chippy? Earlsgate has gone all kebabby and shit.

  7. All you need cunto is an empty shot gun case, job done, nothing works a well as a load (get off my laaaand) and wave your case at the cunts, they will be climbing over themselves to get off your land, and like as not wont fucking come back the cunts..?

  8. I agree that private land is private land but there a fair few cunts who put the signs up without any right to do so just to keep out the great unwashed.

    If a private road is just an ‘unadopted’ road then it it isn’t private in the sense that only residents can drive or walk along it.
    If the road is actually on private land then it is private.

  9. What about that dumb cunt in the U.S.
    who shacked up in caravan in the wilderness as he was determined to help protect the local bear population and they fucking ate him.
    I laughed for days….

  10. Tricky one this. While I agree with private property being private, some people are using this lockdown as an excuse to be real cunts. There is a “private” road near me, except it serves a little estate with about 50 houses, all spread out. I no someone in one of the houses. I cycled to his house the other day, and found the gate blocked by some amateurish attempt to put some small concrete blocks in the way. There was also a bollocks note about the police advising them to close the road. Silly cunts – I just moved the blocks out of the way and continued my cycle. If the twats who did it have a problem, then they can go ahead and sue me for trespass. I’ll happily give them my name and address.

  11. Once I jumped a fence with a keep out sign, only to land in an existential paradox as on the other side was another saying keep the fuck out. No matter which side I was trespassing.

    • This has to be wittiest comment I have ever read on here, thank you for brightening my day Three Strokes…

    • Like the anecdote about Viennese bureaucracy… A door with a big sign:
      NO ENTRY!
      Underneath…
      Mind the Steps.

  12. I am 100% on board with this cunting.

    I have endured a long term feud with three of my neighbours whose houses are separated from my garden by a private road (communally owned). Between the road and my garden is a hedge – this comprises brambles, wild ivy, ferns and mostly dead hawthorn.

    I first offered to remove the hedge (40m) and replant it at my cost- it falls on the boundary line. They didn’t want this as they liked the ‘natural theme’ of the wild hedge as they drive in and one old dear likes watching birds land on it from her window – if you please. They also believed my boundary was further back in my garden so issued a statement that I wasn’t to even trim it.

    I had a land survey completed to Ordnance Survey and the deeds drawings which confirmed I owned land mostly past the centre of the hedge. The surveyor banged in a row of red posts, which really did piss them off and panicked them in equal measure. I told them I would be removing whatever was in my land and then would trim the hedge hard and erect a fence against it. Their intransigence had caught up with them. I have a 6 year old severely autistic son who will run around the garden once the house is done and I don’t want the poor sod getting caught up in bramble and hawthorn.

    Since I have trimmed the hedge, the neighbours’ cuntometer has gone into overdrive. These three cunts arranged for workmen to enter my garden whilst I was at work, without my permission and under trespass to erect 6m of fence about 2 feet from my boundary (into my garden) to try and prevent me trimming their precious weedy hedge. Of course they denied this. My contractor tore the fucker out and we left the panels and posts in one of the cunt’s garden.

    Last week my contractor and father in law were cutting back the hedge (in our garden) to put the posts in when one of them flew out into the road and starting screaming blue murder at my father in law. This has now gone beyond tolerable and is now smacking of harrassment. We will continue the panel installation at the weekend. Any further peeps out of these fucking prickheaded shitcunts and I will be in touch with the local plod with an harrassment claim. My immediate next door neighbours, who are as good as gold and also endured similar problems with these cunts and their lovely wild ivy will back me up – they saw me after last weekend’s show and just couldn’t believe the woman was screaming from the road. Fucking mental case.

    I could understand it if this weedy monstrosity was part of their garden and if they wanted to keep it. But it isn’t – it borders the road and my garden. They want to look out of their windows and play whimsical make believe they are living next to some enchanted forest. Predictably, their gardens are all immaculately fenced, no weedy hedges. NIMBY fucking cunts – I would love to acquire a huge bag of weed seed and tip it on the cunt’s immaculately manicured front lawns.

    Oh, did I mention they are all fucking shitheaded cunts?

    You don’t know what a wonderful cathartic writing this post has been for me.

    • Paul, without telling you how to suck eggs can I suggest you write to the county police and report harassment?
      If you use the fact of your sons condition it will go a long way in your favour.
      My neighbours son is on borrowed time now.
      The cunt.

    • Ask the council to cut it down, explain what’s been happening and that you have an autistic son , they might help.

      And if it’s 40m high isn’t it blocking your right to light?

      Final resort, poison the hedge!

      Can’t believe people at times.

    • Chainsaw anything large,spray the rest with Roundup and just tell them to Fuck Off.

      • PS….I know where there’s a patch of Japanese knotweed. I’ll send you some bits.Chuck some of that in their gardens.

      • Thanks Dick, now that would give them that ‘rustic’ look that they can’t get enough of, but probably not quite what they had in mind!

  13. This is an updated story isn’t it Paul?
    Things seem to have turned nastier though. Keep us updated!

    • Hi Bertie,

      Yes, a rather sad update. The thing is, I have tried to accommodate reasonable expectations, but these are immovable, intransigent people who believe they have a right to chop 3′ off my garden so they can preserve their wonderful, weed and shit filled hedge.

      In short they are cunts.

      • I recommend Stalag 14 style machine gun towers at each corner of your garden.
        A vintage MG34 permanently zeroed in on their lounge windows might keep the twats in their place.

        Too much?

  14. An excellent Nom. People who are not land or property owners will not understand the flip side of the coin.

    Nowadays in 2020 I think that it is necessary to proactively defend one’s properties:
    – Barbed wire, razor wire, searchlights / spotlights, CCTV, remotely controlled and monitored CCTV, electric fence, attack dogs, fluorescent tagging / staining paint.

    Rather like Global Corp. or prisons or the American Justice System, adopt the zero tolerance system. Four Rottweilers is a good deterrent (or actual).

  15. Apologies Cuntologist

    Not sure whether this has already been mentioned in ISAC

    Nigel Farage reported and warned by police yesterday for breaching government Covid-19 travel guidelines and in particular against travelling to Dover and reporting/filming immigrants arriving on our shores, and being offered tea, toast and biscuits by our immigration/border force officials.

    Thought the “official Boris” (LYING CUNT) government policy is that illegal immigrants would not be accepted and returned to wherever they came from. In practice this equates to only 5% being deported. Meaning that 95% must be bonafide refugees who have not travelled to any other “safe haven” countries before arriving here? Don’t believe it.

    Surely essential travel to let the public know that their elected leader is taking the voting public for mugs.

    Where is Pritti Patel when you need her? Bound and gagged somewhere no doubt.

    Sure some on this site would quite like that.

      • Oh Creampuff, a gentleman as always, though quite tame compared to what I have heard Dick Fiddler wanting to do to Gemma Arterton if the old scoundrel got his wicked way.

      • I saw her at one of those recent Government press briefings LL – she was gagging for it! 😂

      • Kate Humble on Ch5 soon.
        Well worth a good bit of penile exercise…

      • And a romantic and all, RTC knows how to sweep a girl off her feet…and onto her knees

      • Hello Dick, this is one of your bugbears isnt it?
        Trespassing.
        But you wouldnt shoot a rambler who was heavily bearded, wooly hat on,
        Singing as he went would you?
        “Foldery! Foldera! A wandering I go with a knapsack on my back”..💥💥

      • Tbh Miserable, I don’t really have a problem if they stay to the paths and keep their dogs,children and litter under control.

        I probably would have a problem if one of them called me a “Cunt” to my face….not that it has yet,although I must admit that the anticipation is killing me.

      • Hehehe.
        To be equally honest Dick , im conscientious when out walking, stick to paths, shut gates, dont litter or mess with anything.
        Call you a cunt?
        Nobody would do that surely?!!
        ☺

    • It’s an outrage Mr Stroker a flaming outrage.

      Farage is a journalist now and the way I see it is that he traveled for work. The report he did was outside ffs.

      I think Farage lives in Kent so must be some Kent police that turned up full of themselves. Cunts.

  16. I sympathize Paul, my neighbors are also cunts, fences, parking, fitting new guttering and cutting it to short and then pulling mine towards theirs an inch causing a constant leak over my kitchen window, frame now rotting away, and the list goes on and fucking on, if only there was a way to get it all sorted without months of arguments, paperwork and hassle…

  18. I live on a private road, and it’s a dead end with only one entrance/exit. There are TWO signs that say this and yet, in the time we’ve lived there I’ve lost count of the number of dickheads who ignore the sign, get to the end of the road and then sit there with an expression on there faces that says, “Hi everybody, I’m Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms/Nxm Dumbfuck. I ignored the signs as I turned onto your road and I don’t know what to do”. Well it’s quite simple. You turned the fuck around and drive the fuck off our road. I’m glad my driveway is one with gates on, because it would piss me off even to have to watch one of these cheeky cunts drive onto my property to turn around. Three point turn, motherfucker, do you know what it is?

  19. China and Russia are the target for tonight. It seems that cunts have been trying to hack into the networks of Oxford and Cambridge universities, along with other research facilities, who just happen to be currently engaged in the search for a vaccine for the Kung Flu. Anyone care to guess who it’s been found are behind it, and what they were looking for? Yes, our old friends, China and fucking Russia are trying to steal the vaccine, no doubt with the ambition of putting themselves forward as the world saviours that dippy bint feared the UK would lay claim to. Well, at least we’d have legitimate reason for that.

    You’d think that, considering China are the fucking reason a vaccine is needed for Flu Manchu, they’d show SOME sense of shame and keep their fucking heads down. But no, the Chinese Communist Party, led by leader for life, Winnie the Pooh, (I mean, how can we even take the CCP seriously, when their leader bans a children’s character, because he has no sense of humour) have no fucking shame. They are sly motherfuckers, who have stolen most of the technology they currently have. Even their space program was built entirely by secrets stolen from the European and Russian space agencies, and NASA. There is very little modern Chinese tech that was actually invented by the Chinese. What’s particularly annoying about what these dog eating cunts are trying to do, is that they were offered the opportunity to take part in the vaccine research program but refused. So they could have got the information they’re currently trying to steal, by entirely legitimate means, but apparently preferred the way of the cunt.

    As for Russia, well, they’ve been cunts since the Communists took over. Things seemed to get better for a while, but under former KGB officer Putin, it’s gone down hill again and Russia is once a fascist state in all but name. Political opponents either meet with fatal “accidents” or are arrested on Bullshit charges and critics, such as the three doctors from the same hospital who had a go Putin’s handling of the pandemic all took accidental and entire coincidental falls from windows at the hospital. Nah, not suspicious at all. Then again, that Dobby the elf looking motherfucker doesn’t care if anyone thinks it’s an accident or not. He thinks it sends a message to his critics and political enemies to shut the fuck up. But it doesn’t, it encourages them to continue.

    Then there’s his obsession with being photographed topless while horseriding, to show off his old man’s physique, and a pathetic attempt to prove what a macho man he is. Real men don’t need to prove anything. It seems though, that Flu Manchu MAY prove to be his downfall, or at the least the beginning of the end of his reign of corruption and murder. His popularity is currently plummeting. I wouldn’t put it past the evil little prick to put the military on the streets, but we’ll see. Anyway, China and Russia, you are cunts.

    • Shit. Sorry, put it in the wrong place. What a dozy cunt I am.

  20. You often hear of a landed aristocratic gentleman who lives at some…Abbey’ that’s because it was originally an Abbey. His forbear stole it off the monks at the Reformation. As well as the surrounding land that the monks worked.
    Henry XIII destroyed the monasteries but it is often forgot that the local aristocrat in many places (in the guise of a religious reformer) raided local parishes, stealing all the treasure (but careful not to destoyi it) taking the buildings, land as well. In this free-for-all they then went onto steal the common land.
    The aristocracy is the real criminal class in this country.

  21. I think one of the better signs I have seen said “Do not fuck with our ammo unless you like being shot” That was as to be expected by our american cousins.
    When I was stationed at Wool Barracks (It is a gunnery school) there is a large area of water stretching out to see, clearly marked on charts as a danger zone, MOD danger zones come in two types (as far as I know) one type is the dont go here there is lots of unstable ammunition dumped here, and the other type is we recommend you do not go there because sometimes, only sometimes things fly off in that direction and we would hate for you to be in the way (Seen that happen as a sabot failed to separate and fucked off out to sea).
    Any way, these little areas are watched by bored teenagers with guns who plot and observe trespassers, on one occasion we had a little excitement with a boat that snuck in close to the shore and dropped a packet over the side marked with a float.
    Fucking brilliant!, smugglers? terrorists? could be anything, the machine sprung into action.
    A boat went out, a diver went down object checked and left alone.
    Of course it could have been a trial run so when the boat returned its hide was still there he retrieved it and went on his merry way.
    Next time he turned up he was nicked on retrieving his package which were shell fish he was keeping fresh, as far as he knew the coast guard got lucky, little did he know we had been watching him for some time.
    Another exciting story from the ghost chasing days.

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