Mental Birds

Posted on by

Mental birds

I think it’s time I tried to take my mind off the bat flu for five minutes by reminiscing about mental birds I’ve hung out of in the past.

I don’t know about you, but I seem to attract lunatics? I have learned my lesson though and have a normal lady now (married the fucker), but fuck me I’ve had some mentals.

For example, it started when I was about 11. I was kicking a ball around outside and this lad came out and asked if he could play. Said he was called Mike (or something) and was new to the area. So, we end up having a kick about. We get on well and start hanging around together. Next, another mate says, ‘That’s not a boy. It’s a girl. My mum is friends with her mum. Her name’s Claire.’ I confront him/her and she confesses. Next, I’m getting love letters through the door with threats of suicide if I don’t go out with her. Right carry on it caused. She’d post drawings through the door of her stabbing herself with ‘This is why we must be married’. Fucked me right up lol.

This was at age 11 ffs. But it gets worse.

At 17, I pop my cherry with a proper fit bird at college. We get serious. Then she confesses that she has a kink. She liked to be peed on. I laugh and think she’s taking the piss (pun intended). Well, it got to the stage where I would sit down to piss, because she’d follow me into the bog for me to piss on her. I had to pretend I was having a shit. Thank god she wasn’t a poop muncher, is all I can say.

Then there was the one who came at me with knives when she was on the blob. There was the one that thought I was having an affair every 5 minutes (I wasn’t) and would check my phone, internet use and call my mum asking her if she knew I was having affairs.

There was another one that slapped me across my face for speaking to a girl who said hello to me in a shopping centre, because she had been in my class at secondary school.

The good news is that I’ve picked up the vibes of ‘Harridan’s Disease’ nowadays and I’m married to a relaxed and non possessive lady. Pain in the arse sometimes (drama queen), but I’ve done alright there.

One wonders if other ISAC members have their own stories in a similar vein too? One can only wonder how the likes of tongue to arse injectors and those who live in towers have dealt with their own nutters?

Nominated by Cuntybollocks

111 thoughts on “Mental Birds”

  2. I am of the opinion that all members of the female persuasion are mad to some degree, not a criticism just an observation as I would not want to be accused of dreadful misogyny – I would never be disrespectful to hoes and bitches! 👍😁

    • Years ago, an item on BBC radio (when it was less dishonest) declared that all Males are on the Autistic Spectrum and all Females are on the Psychopathic Spectrum. A very useful rule of thumb for assessing Cuntitude (even if it is wrong!)

      • Could be some truth in that.

        Myself and most blokes I know have or have been obsessed with certain things at some point. It could be their football team, collecting old guitars, photographing aeroplanes at airports, collecting memorabilia, old records etc etc. Not many women do that. Autists can become obsessed with certain things for a while.

        Whereas women can turn into a female Norman Bates, just because you didn’t quite give the right answer when she asked, ‘Which dress looks best. This one or this one?”

        Evidently, saying ‘I think the green one looks nicer’ means that you meant that the blue one made her look mutton dressed as lamb. “So you think I’m too old to wear Armani? Maybe I’ll go to BHS next time!” (throws dress starts crying, door slams).

  3. My mate has finally buckled and decided to marry his fucking psycho of a bird, after she was diagnosed terminally ill.
    I give it six months….

      • Or, if she is a mudslime, until she takes both them out as prescribed and approved – rucksack of fertiliser and crowded public place is the normal “M.O.”, so to speak! 👍😁
        My good lady knows the score – any lip and the Financial Times is slowly lowered to reveal an icy silent glare..
        This is usually sufficient to make me behave! 🤣

  4. Although it’s obvious there are major mental differences between the sexes, I try to apply Occam’s Razor – the simplest solution is often the correct one. So I reckon we’ve evolved these ways for a reason. Perhaps it goes back to when we were hunter-gatherers & cave-dweller/nurturers (not acceptable gender roles in our modern “woke” society!), roles requiring differing mental abilities. Who knows?
    Women hold most of the cards, so I tread cautiously when in pursuit of nooky.

  5. Been there done that,pretend suicide s, pin holes in condoms, lies, agro and generall lunacy, thank fuck she,s someone elses problem now and since had a mile of cock, honestly she will have to be buried in a Y shaped coffin the slag, even once split up she was still trying to cause me greif, but now wants to be friends, as you can imagine i keep well away and am now with Mrs Fuglyucker who is almost normal…

  6. Hey Cunty the bird that wanted to be pissed on, was she called Angela?

  8. Don’t even start me. I have my own stalker.

    The police are aware, but can’t do anything until I get one more abusive or threatening text or call. Then its game on.

    If it turns up at the door, the police had better be fucking quick or they’ll be picking up whats left in black bags.

  9. My theory on mental birds is that too much oestrogen when young sends them loopy. Likewise too much testosterone in blokes can lead to rampant rogering or aggression.

    Perhaps this is why we get calmer as we age, once the baby making hormones drop off a few notches. Older women, for example, have much lower oestrogen and often become mannish and turn into battle axes. For this reason, I assume Carol Vorderman must be on HRT.

  10. Most birds I’ve met are fucking mad and irrational. Mrs Fistula 1st was no exception, like most women she had to complicate everything .
    It’s there Fannies I’ve been told, it drives them mad . On my wedding day my uncle Joe had a quite word with me, he said ” You love her so much that you could eat her. In 10 years time you wish you had ”
    I served 8 years with that attention seeking loony.

    • If it’s got tits or tires, one day it will give you trouble.

  11. I recall having one of these back in the 80s.
    Could be a right nasty bitch til I discovered hard anal sex quite took the wind out of her sails.
    Simply perfect.

  12. I’ve always had a thing about naughty filthy birds that are up for anything.
    Only thing is they are usually the most insane.
    This one bird took me to a Swingers party in Hayward’s Heath. I had the time of my life . There was so much cunt gagging for it, I didn’t know where to start.

    • That was some drunken advice I gave to a younger work colleague a year or so ago.

      That if she’s mental (overly argumentative, crazy eyes, cries for no reason, self harms etc) she’ll be great in the sack, but always remember these 3 words. One night only. And don’t give her your real name or contact details.

      Mental birds. Good for one night. A risk to your very existence you carry on seeing them.

  13. She looks a very strange bird I’ll grant you, as though she’s ‘cuckoo’, ‘away with the birds’. But I believe this ‘chick’ is the he sanest person on the planet.

    Gretta Thunberg.

    • I would have expected you of ALL people to spell Greta’s name correctly Miles!

      She’ll be gutted.

      Then again, maybe you’re referring to a different mong…

      • Oh dear that’s poor.

        Just been reading ‘The Great Realisation’ poem by Tom Roberts. Has bought Holly to tears on This Morning. Not bad. The sentiments very Thunbergian..

  14. In my life’s experience of 30 years as an adult, I would comment that Nearly All Women are fucking mental. Their wiring is completely different to men, and liable to short circuit at any time, like a kitten playing with a tangled ball of wool.

    Best to keep them on a short leash, treat them mean, do not allow them to take fucking liberties, or, ignore them, change the locks, only use them for sex and housework.

    Amanda Holden: I know she is vacuous and plastic but I would pay good money to have unprotected anal sex with it’s arsehole, and slap it about a bit.

    I have matched with a bird on tinder, she’s no oil painting, but she’s giving it all the chat, if she hasn’t got kids living at home I fancy breaking lockdown and going round for a coffee, chat, massage an a nice hard bareback fuck. Says she wants my spunk in her face, I don’t want to disappoint her

  15. Sounds like a good plan Owain.
    Personally I would like to be invited round to Scarlett Johansson’s flat and dangle my Schlong through the letterbox as not to infect by breathing over her. “Social distance you understand “
    I heard she likes to feed from a glory hole.

    • Miss Johansson has two doors on her property and therefore two letter boxes and has asked me to inform you that she has disinfected both of her flaps….

  16. Never met a bird that isn’t mental. Its just a question of to what degree.
    The dirtier ones do seem to come with a heavy load of lunatic tendancies unfortunately.
    As for barebacking Amanda Holdens arsehole suggestion i actually started to twitch at the thought.

  17. Many years ago I used to bang this right nutter who was into rape fantasy. She used to have me slap her about, pull her hair, spit on her call her all sorts of horrible names (my old man would have been proud).

    Anyway, just recently I met again. Waiting at the bus stop in my balaclava she seems not to have changed. Very convincing screaming and clawing at my face in desperation. I put on a paddy accent to make it more realistic….going back there on Thursday….women????

  18. Is it any wonder that almost all of the people on “My 600lb life” and any hoarding programme are almost always wimmin?
    Fucked in the head, they’ll never be satisfied and can take no true pleasure in anything, because nothing is ever good enough.
    All modern wimmin are lying, manipulative, whining, sponging, vain, humourless, everything must be their way cunts.
    A pox on them all. Although if you’re a cold-hearted bastard, you can thoroughly enjoy manipulating them back by thinking you’re giving them all that they want and then pulling away the rug at the last second.
    Their tears of upset will soon upgrade to tears of fury once they realise that you’re enjoying their misery.
    Bitter? Moi?
    Fucking right I am!

    • Have you been watching about these two Mr Cunt Engine?

      https://images.app.goo.gl/zSwaWxM64iRybJb27

      I don’t think it’s ‘My 600lb Life’ because that would he with Dr ‘Now’ (funny in himself) this is with a Dr Proctor.. Anyway, the conversation in last night episode was their reluctance to go to the ‘junkyard’ to get weighed. Because there are no scales big enough from the shops. They sent the husband of one to look and he could only find one that went up to 500lb.
      The girl on the left is so fat it has even entered a forehead. Her forehead is fat!
      They are on their ‘journey’ of course.
      Its always an emotional thing. In this case one is ‘moving on’ and hoping to get her a surgery. But the other girl feels ‘abandoned’ by her.
      There is always a symbiotic thing going on.

      • The Problem with these munters is that they’re on a year round seal blubber diet without the requisite six months fast in a north Baffin Island igloo

  19. It sounds like you’ve been unlucky mate, some blokes just magnetise the nutters. I had a mate who used to attract them, he used to shag around a lot and he would frequently pull unhinged ones. Maybe that was the reason – maybe the nutty birds are less picky on account of them being nutters.

    As a side note, I wouldn’t have been bothered if a bird wanted me to piss on her, just as long as she cleans it up.

    • The piss thing got our of hand mate. Following me to the bog. Fucking nuts.

  20. Fuck me Cunty – that’s enough bad luck to scar you for life. Are you sure you didn’t deliberately look out for these cunts subconsciously? Worst I ever had was a raving nympho, but I was so fucking naive I didn’t KNOW! (Twice!) Still didn’t get my leg over until I was 22. Oh well!

    • I’m ok now though. Got a fairly normal one. Still a bit of a drama queen at times, but overall not too bad. No knives or threats to top herself etc after 16 years. Just the odd nagging fit that doesn’t stop once in a while, but that’s about it.

      • Would that I could Daz – I must have read it somewhere. Bet Ron or B/W Cunt could expand a bit though, but on second thoughts why bother anyway

  21. Mrs Yank is a good ‘un. We get on great. That said, despite having been together for over a decade, she has yet to figure out that 90% of the questions I ask only require a yes or no answer, which I remind her about on a weekly basis. For example:

    Me: Would you like me to go to the shops with you?
    Her: Well I was going to stop at the Post Office first and I’m running low on petrol, so need to stop and fill up too. Oh, I forgot, I should pick up my dry cleaning and I was thinking of getting some flowers for my friend since she’s been a bit down lately. Work has been crazy and she’s had all this extra stuff dumped on her. She was mad as hell last Friday, I thought she was going to cry. Not sure what to wear though. If it’s going to rain I don’t want open toed sandals. Maybe my sneakers would be better. They said it would rain today, but it looks quite sunny out. The woman doing the weather earlier had this really lovely dress on. I thought that would suit me. It’s nice to be dressy now and then. Which reminds me, we never replied to that dinner invite from those friends of yours. Gosh, we haven’t seen them for ages. Their garden is lovely. I must ask where they got those……….
    Me: FFS!!!!!!!!

    Anyone else have this issue? How do you cope?

    • Alcohol and social distancing, I’ve been practicing it for fucking years.
      Good evening IY.

      • ASD (Alcohol & Social Distancing). Yes! That seems like it’s the way forward. Nice one Jack.
        Good evening, sir.

      • Having the good lady in lockdown thirty miles away is most helpful in my case IY!
        Never got on so well, and if I want to leave a cup for more than four seconds on a table I F*CKING WILL!
        No need for anyone to tell her about that though..😱🏃‍♂️

      • I got an OCD dont put the cup on there nut job living in my house ..her OCD is so bad we have to call it CDO…so it’s in order….

      • You know it makes sense.
        As Alf Garnett used to say … ‘ I’m going up the pub ! ‘
        He’d be fucked at present.

    • Sorry Yank, if you EVER expected a straight yes or no from ANY woman, then you’ve been sorely misguided. They have these genes that make it entirely impossible to say yes or no. Some sort of convoluted neuron disfunction in the brain developed over millions of years of evolution.
      The answer is…..WE ALL have this issue!

      • Every woman I’ve been with has been mental. They all thought they could manipulate me into marrying them and raising a family.

      • Women marry guys thinking they can change them.
        They can’t.
        Guys marry women thinking they won’t change.
        They do.

      • I think you might be right, Mickey. If she’s going against evolution and genetics, it’s a battle she can’t win so being the man, I should apply greater intellect and logic to the situation. Taking Jack’s suggestion onboard, I could revise the dialogue thus:

        Me: Please get me some beer while you’re at the shops.
        Her: Well I was going to stop at the Post Office first and I’m running low on petrol……………….
        Me: (in another room)

        Sorted.

  22. Great cunting! I too have had more than my fair share of doolally psycho bitches. The hotties tend to be more unbalanced which can cause some amount of anguish! In my younger days I didn’t know how to handle these bitches – personal experience has proven it is all about keeping their self-esteem rock bottom to reap the benefits 🙂

  23. Mrs Stroker is Japanese. Married to her now for coming up to 16 years.

    First mentioned divorce approximately two weeks into the marriage.

    Went online to see how Japanese wives fared generally with their Western husbands/boyfriends. Fair to say that the results were mixed, however some were quite extreme. Remember one in particular where the guy said “I felt we got on really well up until the point she stabbed me”.

    Mrs Stroker very different to the late Mrs Stroker, extremely hard working (almost like a machine), not romantic or loving in the slightest, practical, prudent however think it fair to say that she is quite childish at times, and prefers to be independent rather than a wife or mother. Prefers to be with her friends than with her family.

    Like most of her Japanese friends who live locally and married to English men whenever they get together (girls only usually) I rather suspect they like to
    talk unkindly of their partners, and how great Japan is compared to the UK.

    As everyone knows, women are mentally completely different to men, and I can say hand on heart that Japanese girls are although extremely feminine, demure and sexy, they are wired very differently to most. I could spend the next 100 years with Mrs Stroker and would never truly understand what her innermost thoughts are. Japan has many unmarried women living in Japan, perhaps there is a reason for that?

    Mrs Stroker can on occasion be extremely mental at times as my poor next door neighbour can confirm, personally think I deserve a medal for holding things together for as long as I have done.

    • I didn’t know there were that many Japanese outside of London Willie. Is it fair to say there is a ‘taboo’ in Japan of Japanese people marrying outside of their own race?

      • Evening LL, there a missus Liquidator?
        Please dont read that as a proposal!
        Assume the majority of us are married?
        Mrs Miserable is calm, thinks everyone deserves a chance, much nicer than me.
        Enjoyed my days of being single and chasing women but happier settled down.

      • Yes Miserable there is a Mrs L. You have inspired me and she is just digging out my old flashers mac ready for Thursday night at 8.00pm

      • Probably around a dozen Japanese girls that my wife knows who live within a 20 mile radius.

        Japanese girls either extremely subservient however I opted for the bossier type as I felt at the time better for me.

        Several of my wife’s friends have split from their partners in Japan and the UK.

        Have always felt that there is a certain element of Japanese taboo marrying outside of Japan Liberal, and that her father would probably have been happier if she married a Japanese man. Having said that I think she is far too bossy to be accepted by a Japanese guy and that her father is happy she found someone. They seemed to like me, the fact I had a good job at the time despite the fact I had two young daughters from my first marriage.

        Very much welcomed into her Japanese family (who are lovely), and who wrote to me and said that I reunited her with them after we married.

        Nearly 18 years after visiting Japan for the 2002 World Cup still maintain that the Japanese people of today are years ahead of us in terms of attitude to life, work ethos and respect of their fellow man. A simply brilliant place to visit.

      • Willie, my sons saving up to go Japan, hes a fan of all things Japanese.
        I like their veneration of elderley family members, but not so much paper walls!☺

      • Everyone mentions the space age toilets and how clean and punctual everything is. Wonder why they live for ages with thousands of them over 100, like human tortoises.

      • One of my brother-in-laws is married to a Japanese girl – a woman really cos she’s in her mid 30s, but she seems younger and doesn’t half give me the fucking horn. They live in Japan and her family is very nice (I’ve met them) and have always been very positive about the union. They have a young daughter.

        He teaches English there as a second language or something, says some Japs are extremely racist, but has had no problem personally, despite being of Indian descent.

        My next door neighbour is married to a Japanese woman too. She’s a bit like Willie’s wife, judging by what he posted above.

      • They smoke tabs a lot LL. I reckon that’s the secret of their longevity.

        Smoking makes you immune to Coronavirus too. As do mushrooms.

      • The trip will bow his mind and I guarantee your son will have the time of his life Miserable.

        Unique and exciting culture, very safe, friendly people and horny girls. What more could he want.

        More expensive that most other neighbouring countries but you can survive on a relatively modest budget- about on a par with here but the rate of exchange not great now.

        Wish I had gone as a young man however first married at the age of 25 and the desire, reason for going or opportunity never arose.

    • I seem to remember a true filum – some Japanese bird chopping off her lover’s cock. When she was arrested, it was at the bottom of her handbag…
      Think I’ll stick with my Hungarian dream, if I can ever find her again.

  24. Yes, we are all a bit unhinged. That’s not to question. By how much, is the question.

  25. Great nom. I could spend hours talking about the oddball bints I´ve been involved with. I always knew a woman fancied me if she asked what my sign of the zodiac was, followed by my birthday. After a few disasters, I started lying just to see how they would react.

    • Most problems are simply because blokes dont know how to deal with women.
      Assume a lot of cunters are a bit awkward with women, blushing, mumbling, tripping over their own feet, shy.
      But dont panic, im always here for help.
      If shes had a new hairdo and asks your opinion, (she will) dont say-“makes your head look fat.”
      Say “oh, thats definitely you! Bit like Audrey hepburn”.
      If shes a new dress dont tell her she looks a fuckin state!
      “Have you lost weight? It really shows off you figure!”.
      See?
      Easy! I hardly ever listen to a fuckin word mine says just nod, say “your right, i agree”.
      A easy life is yours for the asking, just buy my book.
      Also know quite a high number of middle age virgins on here too, I can get you laid but its a 12wk course, ISAC discount price of £350.

  26. The are unique. This one usually falls out of the wrong side of bed in a nagging mood and proceeds to enunciate her updated shopping list of grievances against me at full and unexpurgated length. This current pandemic I have taken to donning a pair of proper hearing protection ear covers when it starts and continue my business. Harsh but the message is getting home.

  27. well this will surprise you Mrs benny MK II was a bit wrong, 13 years my senor she looked like chrisie hind,
    very well dressed but a few issues, now the issues came about with things I had done, initially the penance was financial, I would have to buy some thing to “fix it” and things would be ok.
    Then things changed a bit, I recall the first time she launched herself at me, I thought she was joking, I blocked her and she broke down.
    It was pitiful, made worse by the fact you have some one who loves you breaking down.
    Now to be objective, my ex was an angel, an H grade nurse practitioner, which is pretty high in the NHS working from the bottom, And me? I have history too, but should any one analyse us I am a little more competent at certain things so the onus would be on me as a bad guy.
    I recall the last time I spoke to my ex, she was screaming at me, I was sitting at the table on the lap top working.
    she slammed the lap top on my hands ( it did not hurt) and kept on shouting.
    I just sat there and said “You need to stop now and listen to me” when she did I said ” I do not think I love you any more, I am leaving now”
    and I did, I got up walked out, signed the house over and ran away.
    Domestic abuse is not just men beating women.
    I just do not beat women

  28. All women are tigers.
    We are fascinated with their allure.
    The curves and beauty.
    The inner strength but outer softness
    We strive to have one just for ourselves.
    They are sleek, attractive and curious.
    Then one day out of the blue, for no apparent reason , they rip your fucking head clean off.

  29. Get a dog and a fembot ( s ).
    A cookery book and a cleaner.
    This is advice for young cunters.
    But you won’t take it.
    You’re doomed.
    Get To Fuck.

Comments are closed.