Hollyoaks

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HOLLYOAKS

Absolute fucking stain on our society but yet the biggest example of it
The incomparable Rik Mayall once bleeted in the Young Ones “You’re about as alternative as Channel 4!”

It had the piss ripped out of it then for being shit and it’s got worse by trying to increase it’s “alternative” programming. Hollyoaks being the emperor cunt in a cuntempire.
Appalling acting, insufferable text-speak dialogue which is creeping into all soaps now (Violet Carson and Jean Alexander must be weeping blood up there watching the working class soap descend into a modern day orgy of juvenile shittery). Sublety has gone, respectful greats like Kenneth Williams would be more ashamed to come out now than he ever was during his repressed life due to the fucking smut that goes on in abhorations like this program.
It’s 90% arse invadery from the start with the whole “village” being lined with gays, transvestites and when it’s not thrusting consistant pride content at everyone, it’s chavvy girls getting ploughed before they’ve got their first bra.
Disgusting programme, but the truly terrifying thing is – this is accurate shit. This is the society we fester in and it’s a world of utter cunts.

Nominated by Stevo

73 thoughts on “Hollyoaks”

  1. Substandard lowest common denominator shite. Made by cunts for cunts.
    An even shitter version of Brookside, and that was bad enough.

    • My first missus subjected me to Brookside. At times it was so lurid and ridiculous that I found it riotously funny, which only served to piss the evil old bat off even more…

  2. Why is that a great musican like Dave Greenfield cops it and cunts like Sam Smith and Madogga don’t?

    No more heroes any more….

    • Know fuck all about it, think its for teenage girls isnt it?
      Doubt im missing out.

  3. The worrying this is my missus watches this religiously, even taping all the episodes when we’re away etc.

    Shes 43 years old.

    Yes, shes a cunt.

      • I wouldnt marry a bird who did.

        Like em (somewhat) classy you see.

        Apart from in the bedroom obviously, where its tongues and arseholes ahoy etc.

    • She’s sounds like a full blown fucktard. I bet she claims to watch it ironically. Also, why is Love Island being cancelled so newsworthy? Idiocracy was supposed to take place 500 years from the present…

  4. I am relieved to say Mrs. Boggs won’t touch this show with a bargepole. Even though she is terrified of Eastenders/Emmerdale Farm/Coronation Street running out of pre-recorded episodes, she shows no interest in this or the Australian fuckwittery, Hope for her yet!

  5. Im lucky mrs Miserable doesnt watch soaps,
    And neither do I.
    My mum loved them when I was at home it was wolfing my tea down an corrie would be on telly, Stan & Hilda & Eddie yates.
    Quite liked that.

  6. They should bring out a soap called “Imperial Leather” about a lad who works in his dads leather shop but ends up shagging an air to the thrones wife (gets her up the duff) and by some obscure chance, shags the daughter of a communist dictator (gets her up the duff as well)…I mean the plot will some work but…oh fuck off!!!

    • Introduce a little S&M to bolster the leather bit and you’re onto a winner; not that most of the upright members of this site will indulge.

    • I must stop drinking Westons cider on an afternoon post grass cut…I talk so much shit.

      • I had a green king ale direct delivery 6.5% bitter selection, it is a great anaesthetic.
        I still would not watch that shit though.

    • One was a communist, the other a royal…but both are having a baby..WITH THE SAME GUY!

      Stay tuned…

  7. I agree wholeheartedly with this nom. A few years ago my wife was watching this fucking excrement with my 8 year old. Perverted fucking dinner mashers snogging and groping each other, i made her turn it off. Shes never watched it since. We’ve made a promise to each other, she doesn’t watch this deviant shitshow and won’t fuck off with a slag.

  8. No disrespect to the original poster, but it’s quite gratifying that there is almost no interest in this nomination.
    Us cunts obviously have no interest in such dross and can’t be arsed to even discuss it.
    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to watching my recording of “Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway”.
    Marvellous entertainment.

    • I’m planning programmes for when they have exhausted all the recordings of soap. A new nighly show called “Lisa In Lockdown” wherein, every evening from the privacy of her bedroom, young Lisa Nandy will perform intimate striptease, with music provided by Dick Burgeon & His Left-wing Swingers. Perhaps an occasional special guest? – Jess Phillips from her private dungeon, with a despicable act with a giant strap-on and Priti Patel with her whip for “disciplined dancing”

      Every evening at 7.30 the girls will show them a thing or two.

      • Bugsy, now Priti whipping the fuck out of someone that I would pay to see…maybe a camel jockey in a vest….a string vest as a string quartet play a very slow, sombre rendition of “here come the girls”….Box Office £19.99 with 24 hour rewatch….urrrrghhhh!…..

      • Sorry. I blame H Weston of Hereford and his refreshing cider for that horny outburst.

    • Ah so, meester Cunt Engine!
      Bat Soup and picked pangolin? Velly nice.

    • I have little idea what hollyoaks is, I recall things like emerdale farm, eastenders, crossroads and coronation street, only because my girlfriends mother was addicted to them.
      I came home once to find her upset because someone had died, (can not remember who) and went about comforting her only to find out it was a character in one of her shitty programs, so not really dead probably fired for shit acting.
      Very worrying, I think emerdale farm is now emerdale and not a cow in sight, but I am not going to check.

  9. Never watched it. The glimpses i’ve seen had me wondering
    if it was meant as a real portrayal of life. What i have seen made me feel i was mildly tripping (not in a good way) such was the effect. Surreal you could say, but it has not enough artistic merit to achieve such a reaction. I thought it beneath a cunting on that level alone; but, Stevo’s last paragraph says a lot about where we are and are going. Frightening indeed.

  11. With reference to ploughing ……

    Would definitely like to plough (many times) Jorgie Porter

  12. Don’t know this crap and don’t want to.

    Had a bird three years back who was obsessed with Korean dramas. She made me watch them but I couldn’t bear it. Same old shit from any soap-opera, family, love, losing your job, money, but with loads more yelps and childish foot-stomping and pretending to be demure-type acting. Soap operas anywhere in the world are shit.

    • I saw a series called “Santa Barba” an american soap that not only had a shit story line, it was hard to follow because they cept on changing actors, so one day a charecter is played by a 6ft blond skiny bloke, ext day a short fat bloke with a beard and the parents did not seem to notice.
      That really was shite of epic proportions.

  13. I know a producer on the show – she makes £250,000 a year.

    All soaps are straight up garbage.

  14. When I was a teenager soaps were for old dears. In fact if you were late for something your mates would say……”where have you been, watching Crossroads you wanker?”
    “Fuck off cunt, you never miss an episode you arsehole.”
    Then, in the eighties along came “Neighbours”. The Aussies were the first cunts to realise that you can revolutionise your demographic by introducing young characters and making it about relashunships (ie lots of shagging). The soaps have never looked back.
    These days they are all about shagging, poofs, lezzas, trannies, peacefuls and murders. It’s a long way from Ena and her mates gossiping in the “Snug” but the world is a different place now. Well, it is according to the telly anyway.

  15. Been to Germany a few times. Went to Nuremberg several years ago, went to the rally grounds, museum’s , Nuremberg war trial court house etc. Back at work, birds asked me where I’d been. “Nuremberg” I say. “Where’s that, France?” they asked. “No, Germany, where they had the war trials in 1946” I say. “Who were on trial the Yanks?” another asked. “No” I replied, slowly losing the will to live. They then start talking amongst themselves about I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, they’re analysis of that programme was that of professors. Each to their own and all that but fuck me, what the fuck do they teach in fucking school nowadays? I can hazard a guess that it’s all about trannies, poofs, transgenders and ethnics, nothing about the important events in history. Just pick up a book now and again you fucking cunts instead of watching inane shit on the sheeple gogglebox.

      • Evening MNC. Yes I did. Took my Eva Braun lookalike bird with me, but kept her discreetly in the background whilst I stifled doing Sieg Heils at the Zeppelin Field Tribune podium whilst ranting incoherently.

      • Hahaha, yeah, the sweet sound of chanting torchlit hordes below, stukas flying overhead, lightning playing on the battlements!
        “We’ll always have Nuremberg my dear”…
        ☺☺👍

    • My ex went to a scientific conference in said city a few years ago. Apparently, the hotel was promoting the arena as if it had been about cycle rallies…
      And the leader, in a brown singlet., is…

    • This has been going on for at least 25 years. I recall (when at work) realising that then younger elements knew nothing of history, politics etc but if subject of one of the soaps came up they could tell you chapter and verse.
      Those people now have kids.
      To hell in a handcart.

      • That about sums it up “The youth of today have a strong grasp on fiction, but nothing else”

  16. I seem to remember a spin off called Hollyoaks Nights. Supposed to be a more edgy version which had a male rape storyline- even showed the rape. Soaps are banned in our house. I do tend to sit on the kitchen floor and watch the washing machine spin cycle which is more coherent and watchable than the pile of wank chanel 4 put out.

  17. Never seen it. Thought it was a gardening programme. From the comments it seems to be uphill gardening.

  18. In the 90s Hollyoaks was great. Shit acting, hot birds and ‘plots’ that laughed at themselves. I happened to catch a bit recently and it resembled Planet Poof. What the fuck?!

  19. Deadenders and constipation street were bad enough but at least the had characters,nowadays just a load of chav shite that brainless cunts gorge on as much as they can.They can’t spell documentary let alone watch them and take it all ,their brains are in their arses.
    Gobshites Chav gawkers

    • I’ve banged quite a few out over Liz McDonald, to the extent that I no longer need to watch the prog.

  20. *** BREAKING CUNT NEWS***

    That Professor Neil Ferguson cunt has resigned as deputy chief medical advisor for breaking social distancing rules by meeting up with his married lover – another hypocritical “do as I say, not as I do” cunt.

    • Beat me too it Ruff.
      One law for us some are exempt?
      This is the cunt who drew up social distancing!
      Or one of anyways.
      Thats 2 in 24hrs the other one was threatening someone over his dads debts using parliamentary privilege.

  21. “chavvy girls getting ploughed before they’ve got their first bra”

    Jeez how I roared with laughter when I read that. Too funny. Thanks Stevo.

  23. Hollyoaks? The last time I heard that programme mentioned The Arctic Monkeys were in the charts, Bo Selecta was on TV and every other twat had that David Beckham mullet-cum–mohawk hairstyle.

  24. These days Mr Swindley would be fucking Miss Nugent in the stockroom with the closed sign on the door. Ena would be selling spice in the church hall and Albert Tatlock would be renting out Ken Barlow’s arse and gambling all the money away on the fruit machines in the Rovers…….. which would be a front for an Albanian knocking shop.

    • The Ravers return leather bar, Albert in cowboy chaps and cap with chains?
      Hilda “Stanley chuck, bring me some poppers!”

    • Fffff funny as fuck Freddy.Loved Albert Tatters,curmudgeon. Hated the program tho

      • Mavis Wilton would be the street madam running a Eastern European sex ring and Percy Sugden a prolific Grindr user with a meth lab in his attic.

      • Always had a sordid dream in the 80s about Alma frying chips in her saucy underwear.

        The bird who played Tricia Hopkins was a friend of my mum’s. Used to fancy her back in the day.

  25. I agree with everyone but must admit over the years there have been some fit bitches on there who I reckon take (or took) it deep in the backdoor

      • Never seen it. We intellectuals confine our viewing to the documentary channels. And Judge Judy in the afternoon.

    • I never saw Gemma Atkinson while she was on it, but I know she was on it.

      A leggy, busty northern tart worthy of a silent wank in the college toilets.

  27. I’m proud to say that I’ve NEVER seen an episode of Bollyocks. I seen the start of one episode about 15 years ago. That Mercedes tart appeared on screen, I knocked one out, switched channels, and that was that.

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