Furloughing cunts

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‘Spot the Furlough Cunt’

I’m sure that we’re all familiar with that classic game ‘Spot the Ball’. In these lockdown days of cabin fever, we’re all searching for distraction, so allow me to propose a variation on an old theme, entitled ‘Spot the Furlough Cunt’.
The furlough scheme is intended to help those people left without work and pay due to the Covid-19 menace. Individuals are eligible for 80% of wages, up to a monthly cap of £2.5k. To quote MP Andrew Bridgen, the scheme ‘is to protect businesses that are suspended during the epidemic’.
So how about a little game of ‘Spot the Furlough Cunt’, by naming those tight-fisted bastards who see a chance to exploit the system and milk the taxpayer. Remember the case of multi-millionaire Victoria ‘Sourpuss’ Beckham, who sought to furlough staff at her failing fashion house vanity project? I’ll throw in another couple of arseholes to get things moving.

Let’s start with Limp Dick peer Lord Fox, who’s got a nice little earner going. In a move described by Ian Duncan Smith as ‘a bit rum’, the foxy one has become the first Parliamentarian to furlough himself from his company Vulpes Advisory, of which he is the owner and sole employee. This in spite of the fact that, according to ‘The Telegraph’, the company has at least £100k in its accounts. Meanwhile, Foxy continues to claim £162 per day allowance for his ‘work’ in the Lords, which is being conducted ‘virtually’ during lockdown. MP Robert Halfon angrily stated that the furlough ‘was never meant to be for wealthy Lords’. A case of burning the taxpayer at both ends, it seems.

Then we have that sickening champers socialist, and arch-Remoaner Steve ‘everyone’s a bit of a cunt sometimes’ Coogan. Coogcunt has furloughed his gardener and housekeeper at his £4 mill. country mansion, leaving the taxpayer to pick up the tab. He claims that it’s ‘a non-story’, but judging by the outrage expressed on soshul meeja, a lot of people out there reckon that the furlough isn’t meant to help multi-millionaires pay for private housekeeping costs. As Coogcunt’s alter ego Paul Calf would say, ‘bag o’ shite’.

Oh these wheezes are no doubt within the rules, but they must leave a very bad taste in the mouths of millions struggling to make ends meet right now. So come on all you folks out there in IsACland; any more chancing, snout-in-the trough cunts that you’d care to call out?

Nominated by Ron Knee

Furloughing Holidaymakers :

One of the most piss boiling scenes in recent weeks are those showing crowded beaches in Southend and other places. Now, apart from the lack of social distancing, this would not particularly bother me if it was taking place at the weekend. However, we’re talking midweek here. Hordes of fuckin’ mongs who think furloughing was brought in to provide a holiday on the state.

I think the furlough scheme was a great idea but it’s been abused by the usual minority of selfish, look at me cunts. When it was brought in, it should have had stipulations for what the money should not be used for. Just a few things, not a long list. At the top of the list would be “not for lazing around on your fat arse all day on a beach spending money on petrol, ice creams, buckets and spades.

These fuckers are laughing in the faces of key workers who’ve remained working throughout. And yes, you’ve guessed it, many of these cunts will be those who are clapping outside their doors every Thursday. Many key workers will be looking at these twats and thinking they’ve been taken for real mugs. There they are, working their arses off, still paying tax which is funding these lazy twats lifestyle.

Who could blame the key workers if, like me, they told these idle cunts to f – f – f – furlough off.

Nominated by Bertie Blunt Tory Cunt

77 thoughts on “Furloughing cunts”

  1. My old man (Gawd rest his soul) never used to swear in front of me, certainly not in front of my mother. He used to take me to the football and all around us there were blokes going, “fucking this, fucking that, you’re a bent cunt referee etc etc”. The worst word he ever used was “bugger”.
    But there was one day, I can’t remember how this happened, he said to me, “whenever there is money floating about there is some fucking cunt with his fingers in the till.”
    I was shocked but i’ve never forgotten that. Never a truer word my friends.

    • Good piece CMC. You have got right into the soul of the woke. I could almost believe you see them on the telly, day after day, spouting their bullshit. I don’t know where I got that idea from.

  3. Top notch cunting as per usual, gents. Two Master Cunters at the top of their game. Nail on the bloody head about all the cunts on the beach clapping on a Thursday night. I’d bet my ‘Gold Plated’ NHS pension they have rainbow ‘Thanks NHS and Keyworkers’ posters up, too. Meanwhile, us cunts they’re clapping were, some of us, sweating our arses off in Level 3 PPE whilst they were swanning around on a fucking beach. Cheers for the sentiments….

  4. On the other end of the scale, there are people who have limited companies, who pay VAT, corporation tax, income tax and NI who can’t get a penny.

    HMRC have been kind enough to let me defer my second payment on account until the end of the year though, for money I haven’t even earned yet.

    The cunts.

  5. The furlough scheme is just one small part of a Govt. response seemingly prepared to bankrupt the Country in order to keep everyone “safe”…..they abandoned the truly vulnerable,failed to adequately protect the “front-line” workers who were at greater risk and PANICKED.
    Of course people were going to take advantage…who doesn’t like a free paid holiday…and I suspect that there were many like me who thought it ridiculous that the likes of supermarket staff could continue working but the likes of builders couldn’t.

    I see that the Govt. has extended the scheme… millions more people who are at a tiny risk of taking much harm if they did catch it paid to “stay safe”.

    Mr. Corbyn was going to “bankrupt the Country” if elected…I bet even he is in awe of the speedy,unnecessary and total “bankrupting of the Country” achieved by this bunch.

    I don’t blame anyone who takes advantage of this scheme…I just hope that they remember to salt a few quid away because when the bill for this madness comes rolling in there are going to be some lean times.

    PS…..”Oh these wheezes are no doubt within the rules, but they must leave a very bad taste in the mouth”…. perhaps Dominic “Brexit Hero” Cu mmings could suggest this as a slogan to encourage people not to take advantage.

    Fuck Off.

    • Morning all.
      This is a great nom
      And well written by both Bertie and Ron.👍
      Theyll be people furloughed who are going mad to get back to work who are not used to a idle life, always the case that some would see this as a paid hoilday.
      I didnt work for a few weeks because plod was stopping people, work ground to a halt, and it drove me bonkers.
      Started working again off my own judgement as no indication off the goverment when I could, and no financial help.
      This could all have been avoided by stopping travel in and out of the country at the beginning.
      Should have a death toll of nil.
      No furloughed workers,
      No serious financial damage.

      • Moderated.
        Grrr.😢
        Couldnt help spring me could you admin please?

      • It was the word jüdgemént wot dunnit. 😃

        Morning Miserable, morning all.

      • Morning Ruff.
        Yes when I scanned what I wrote knew it was Jüdgëment.
        Wonder why?
        Seems a strange word to be moderated?!

  6. It’s been an utter piss take, I have made a shit load of money.

    My mail order business which normally is wound down at this time of year to cover just running costs has made two years worth of money in two months….madness.

    I was sitting on a lot of stock which has now gone so it’s a double bonus for me….also the IT contract work has picked up because so many employees are “self wankolating” so more work for me….I can honestly say I’ve made more in two month than the whole of last year.

    The added bonus was 7,300 from the government for doing NOTHING but fill in a web page and it looks like I’m now going to be able to apply for more after the announcement yesterday about the self employed. Saying that, I pay my taxes honestly and don’t hold back like a lot of traders I know so why not?

    Add in the fact I own my house, car and TV, I don’t have rubbish like Sky or Prickflix, I don’t smoke or drink lots so in all honesty, I’m sitting pretty.

    Shame to see the UK being run into the ground though by a hopeless noob government.

    So remember, STAY HOME, STAY POOR, STAY DEPENDENT on the STATE and most important of all, if you have the money, do what the fuck you like.

  7. It highlights the selfish who unfortunately are significant in number. Selfish cunts everywhere I’m not sure what can be done they are normally charmless, often anti social, but do end up being disliked….is that sufficient punishment for an arrogant pompous cunt like Coogan no I guess not. He’d sit you down and ask you how much tax you paid in 2019 and he’s likely to beat you. The real problem is with the misery they perpetuate with their narcissism that is the modern day cancer apparently it’s cool to be a cunt

  8. I wonder what percentage of furloughed people aren’t going to have a job to go back to? Or if they go back, will their companies fold by Autumn?
    And then, when will the rest of us poor cunts (who have continued to work throughout this whole shambles) have to start picking up the tab?

    • Already having to sustain a high tax burden to pay for the normal level of dole scúm and immos…

      • And servicing the £2 trillion+ (as of 2019) National Debt.

        The annual interest payments alone cost the taxpayer £55 billion!

        But as one Labour (gender neutral) spokesperson put it: “It’s only money… the important thing is saving lives.” 🙄

    • Cunt engine@
      Thomas saw on news yesterday theyre continuing the furlough scheme to October.
      Im self employed, had no income at first for awhile, beginning of May got a grant based on my taxes over 3 yrs.
      Saying I’ll get another in August.
      Now, I dont need it, im working, but
      Ive a family to provide for so ill accept it!
      Im a hypocrite but not fuckin mental!😁

      • Too right,MNC.
        It’s a shame that we can’t all sit on top of Mount. Self-Righteous and bask in our sense of moral superiority….some of us are realists who are prepared to run the risk of being thought “charmless and anti-social” by our ever-so -altruistic “betters”..it’s the thought of being “disliked” that really worries me..Oh,the horror!!

        Of course most people are selfish ..and I’ve yet to meet any Cunt who can honestly claim that they themselves have never been selfish

        @ItsCoolToBeACunt.

        LOL.

      • Maybe I’m a bit naive, but isn’t it illegal to claim furlough money if you’re not furloughing?

        Like claiming unemployment benefit when you’re employed?

      • Self-employed scheme… “Unlike the employee scheme, here you CAN keep working. And you do not need to prove coronavirus impact, though you will need to declare your business has been impacted. HMRC is introducing checks to prevent fraud”

        Pretty fair bet every self-employed business has been impacted to some degree…..trouble getting materials, social-distancing etc.

      • Yes and no, you can’t do your normal work on furlough but it’s ok if, for example, you go and work on a farm picking fruit and vegetables.
        Some employers have been furloughing staff and asking them to respond to emails from home which is not allowed

      • Morning Dick, i worked for a regular customer yesterday youd love!
        A Hipster lefty farmer!☺
        He owns a house, a farm, where he breeds alpacas
        But has a outbreak of TB now hes bought another farm in the hills, which has a farmhouse & couple of holiday let cottages.
        Hes rich as fuck and clueless.
        Hes got a public bridlepath that comes straight through his land and is trying to get it diverted legally as ramblers sometimes leave the gate open, dogs off lead etc.
        Said to him, just put up a warning sign
        “Danger! Bull! All dogs on lead.”
        He was telling me how Labour could of run the country better.
        I charged him a extra hour.

      • To clarify selfishness is different to opportunism. Selfishness is a ‘fuck all yowl’ attitude in my eyes fed by the ‘look at me aren’t I fucking wonderful and better off than you’ not building, creating and capitalising on an opportunity and maintaining a degree of consideration for others who you consider civilised or worthy. Problem I see and it’s only observations made is people see these two attitudes as exclusive.

      • next payment in August you say? Top ho, that will help make up for the fact that Edinburgh Cuntcil have used this bollocks to delay payment for a job in February, I bet it never stopped cuntcil taxpayers Direct Debits though.
        Fucking cunts.

      • The big difference MNC is that you’re not flouting it on the beach. Are you???
        You’re putting your money to work, reviving the economy.

      • Your right Bertie, I should receive a honorific title for my selflessness.
        Beaches? Hate them!
        Sand in the crack of my arse isnt my idea of fun.
        Although skiving in the woods next to a gurgling stream appeals.☺

    • Did you find a solicitor for your car smash incident?

      Morning Mr. Cunt-Engine
      Morning All.

      • Good morning Mr F, how goes it?
        Yes indeed…had one recommended who was really good. Managed to barter her down to £600 for 4 hrs work. She watched the footage, went through all the supplied paperwork and prepared a report. Some clever, salient points (that I’d not thought of) in that report. That’s gone off to the parasitical accident management / car hire cunts. So now just got to wait. I might still be fucked, partially fucked or okay or anywhere in between. Should find out in a week or two whether I’m off to court.
        Thanks for asking, by the way…much appreciated…👍

    • Morning Ruff. I feel honoured to share a nom with the esteemed Ron Knee. I’ve always looked up to him. This goes back to the time we worked together as tea boys on the Daily Globe.

      • Morning Ertie.

        Ertie? Not another name change, shirley?

        I’m still not over you changing your name from Bertie Blunt Ubercunt, ffs! 😂

      • 😂😂😂 FFS! That error put me in moderation. I was going to ask you had you any idea what caused it! Once had an auntie called Gertie. Might try that next time.Do you think it might be something to do with the Gayness?

        I am not sure what happened last night I assume that CS had a skinful or a very bad attack of gayness himself, very strange bottom comments indeed.

      • Is the post still there Admin?

        No they are filed in the “drunk rambling section”

      • It really is true when they say nature abhors a vacuum then.
        😂 😂

        What with Krav gone and MPG very quiet of late, I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone else showed up to claim the mantle of ‘token gay’.

      • Afternoon guys.
        As I’m honoured to share a nom with you Bertie old son!
        That cunt Coogan just boils my piss!

  11. Me thinks the ‘furlough’ scheme serves two purposes and it is not about meeting the real needs of real people

    1. it is designed to pay off any dissent against the regime change this government is implementing – the lockdown won’t end until everything is in place – plans for schools, pubs, social events, public services etc by which time about 50% of people will work for the state

    2. it is a propagandised weapon that shows exactly how much government ‘cares for us’ because it doesn’t and never will

    why are we still paying MPs who don’t reply to letters, who have not been seen for 2 months or more, and do nothing anyway other than vote for the pardee – our constitution is being ripped up in front of our eyes?

      • indeed MNC

        if anyone watched yesterday VirusUpdate with Rishi and some health bloke – it was scary – talking about the environment and future plans, that were already waiting to be implemented – it’s all there in plain sight – they are up to summat – I can be just as much a cunt as anybody – but blaming people wanting to go to the beach is not normal – going to the beach is fine – it’s outdoors and fun and helps our immune system – this covid shit is not about health, nor is there a pandemic – do the sums – death rate globally is about 0.04% ie not a pandemic – it’s a corruption of the figures for ulterior motives – like blaming a virus on the destruction of the country. ….. what???

      • We need one Bertie.
        “You live in the greatest Country in the World. If you do not obey our laws, respect our culture, traditions, people and heritage then you are not a British Citizen and have no loyalty to our Country – live elsewhere”.
        That will do for a start.
        Wonder how Piggy Patel the Brown Battleship is getting on rewriting that child exploitation report?

      • “You live in the greatest Country in the World. If you do not obey our laws, respect our culture, traditions, people and heritage then you are not a British Citizen and have no loyalty to our Country – live elsewhere”.

        You sum it up perfectly Vern.
        We know how many cunts for which this has no meaning and yet Hancock still tries to appeal to them to do their ”civic duty” with regard to track and trace etc. We have enemies amongst us who could well turn track and trace onto us as a weapon. I wonder how many of the track and trace army are moose limbs?

      • PS if there are as many as there are at Asda’s customer services in Leeds, then we’re doomed!

      • if requested to phone the NHS re the track & trace crap everyone should say they talked to Handycock – he’ll have to self isolate for 2 years or more hehehehe

  12. What fucks me off most about all this is the weather. April quietly beat the all time record for sunshine hours and May the driest for 124 years. Naturally climate change is blamed – FUCK OFF.

    Nothing to do with the lack of air pollution affecting cloud cover and the hydrological cycle. Just a coincidence. Pffft, fucking cretins.

    Meanwhile I and others are stuck indoors working while free loading furlough cunts aren’t. And we’ll all have to pick up your tab for years to come.

    Enjoy the weather, you cunts.

    • Im not enjoying the weather.
      Working outdoors in this heat is like what the those poor bleeders felt like building the pyramids.
      Wish itd rain.
      Be a drought soon.
      I like a touch of groundfrost an grey skies.

      • I wonder when the hosepipe ban will be mentioned. 2 dry months. Pissed it down with rain through from October to February. Main problem is that there have been 10 bloody million let in from the eastern bloc and the third world using the same resources.
        But diversity is wonderful!

    • Bit harsh to say all furloughers are free-loading cunts. Some have no choice as the business they’re in has been forced to close, hairdressers, dentists etc. They’re, (my daughter being one), aren’t thrilled to be home and WANT to get back to work but can’t until restrictions are lifted.

      A lot are cunts, but not all.

  13. They are a set of cunts all right.
    I wonder how the daft fuckers will feel when the free money and jobs dry up?
    Seems like we’ve adopted extreme communism based on shaky scientific advice about a new virus.
    Anyway,fuck the lot of them.

    • Oh and the piss taking cunts who are loaded but profiteering should all swing for it.

  14. Hmmmm. I get the impression this “we’re all in it together” ideology isn’t really working.

    Perhaps you cunts are having a few mental elf problems? I’ll get Prince Baldybollocks and the boy Hewitt to have a word in your shell likes.

  15. Didn’t the Beckham witch un furlough her staff after working out the negative publicity would cost her more than the cost of paying her staff? Too late, but who buys her crap anyway? Disappear, you family of cunts.

    • Yes I believe she ‘recanted’ when she realised how much damage the reaction was doing to the ‘Beckham brand’. A family of cunts indeed Gutstick.

  16. Half arsed is a description I would use to describe the entire fiasco of how the UK is operating during Chinky flu.
    Londonistan was always going to be the initial centre of the spread, the targeted response should have be belt and braces as soon as Wuhan kicked off, fuck the woke Heathrow, Gatwick, Luton and Stansted should have been in lockdown!

    The furlough scheme was too generous, it made it too easy for companies who didn’t really need to completely shut down to take advantage and it should have been a more targeted approach.

    The shops, hotels, pubs and restaurants were forced to shut down so had no choice but I would suggest that at the end of all this there will be job loses and as many workers in this sector are foreign transient they will just fuck off somewhere else anyway so why prolong the very costly agony. Open everything up with very strict social distancing and let the market decide the levels of employment.

    • The next message will be only wash hands for 10 seconds, we are getting low on water!!
      Happy birthday once 😂

  17. I’m self employed (accountant). Been busy as hell, though mainly as a helpline for 3-4 weeks. Wondered if I should take up the self-employed grant. In the end I did. Already 2 clients have packed up shop and I can see others not returning. Hasn’t hit me much yet, but it will down the line.
    Multi millionaires furloughing half a dozen staff is taking the piss though.

  18. The Hinduja brothers (those big buddies of Keith ‘Jim’ Vaz, and Peter Mandelson), also jumped on the Gravy train with this.

    The brothers, who frequently top the richest people in the country list. and have a net worth of around £22 billion, yet put in a claim to furlough staff using tax payers money.

    Unbe-fucking-lievable!
    (I realise I’ve gone all Honeydew with the hyperlinks and changing the text).

  19. I have been on lock down for how long? I have genuinely lost track of dates.
    I call in every so often and my boss told me that there were no plans to reopen my department and that trade was non existent so the furlough will continue.
    I am on rather a rigid lock down, the MRS is vulnerable so we do not go out, two dog walks a day without interaction and all supplies bussed in.
    Imagine my surprise when I received a phone call from another depot to ask why my depot was not running…. seems they are all working.
    So why the fuck am I not back, is it because I am fucking annoying? is it because the MRS is high risk? as you can imagine I am worried.

    • I’m in a similar position perhaps. I’m over 70 and hence ‘vulnerable’, although still in pretty good nick. My department is making plans to reopen, partially, with my younger colleagues returning – but not me. I’d much prefer this to be up to me rather than my employer following the dodgy guidance of HMG, and like you I’m chafing at the bit to get going again. It would be a risk, but staying locked down isn’t doing me a great deal of good either.

      Still and all, I can’t defer retirement much longer, and I suppose this is good practice for that. Hell.

  20. Had no choice in being furloughed, as my workplace was shut down, and the work I normally do ceased to exist. Can’t say I’m enjoying it, and can quite see the point of people wanting to vary the monotony of idleness. This is like fucking Groundhog Day.

    I can also see the point of people still in work feeling resentful of us ‘lucky’ cunts who would otherwise be out of a job. Console yourselves with the thought that a lot of us inevitably will be when the furlough scheme expires. You’ll be the lucky ones then.

    Quote “Fuck clap for the NHS, How about clap for the unemployed? Those fuckers have been doing this for years, I don’t know how they do it!”

    • I’ve worked all the way through Komodo and I feel like I’m one of the luckier ones.

      I’m lucky to have a job to go to. It’s kept me to a routine and given me some sort of sense of normality.

      • Me too. Not much changed for me, except my commute to and from work takes no time at all.

  21. But, the salient question of the day – does the furlough scheme affect our poor BAME friends negatively? Is it waycist? I’ll bet it is – because waycism MUST be found! (If not then – it’s waycist, obviously!)
    I cannot be furloughed as I am a self employed sole trader, I cannot claim a grant as I have been up and running for less than a Year and cannot provide the information required. I have tried everything to get this sorted as this is clear discrimination but unfortunately I have the wrong gender, accent and colour face.
    Despite over 10 emails to sleepy pram filler Boris the traitor and Rishi Sunak no response whatsoever.
    Utter pile of cunts – no use, no ornament – no time for them.
    The rich and greedy suck the economy dry with every shifty money grabbing scheme as those who actually work for a living go to the wall.
    This is not, as some appear to think, a free holiday – there’s going to be hell to pay, and guess who’s going to spend the rest of their lives picking up the bill – it won’t be Beckham, Coogan, gippo Branson – not a chance.
    Open the Country back up, finally start policing the borders, protect the most vulnerable, use sensible precautions and GET GREAT BRITAIN BACK TO FUCKING WORK!

  22. On further random news can I suggest we start a fund to buy a snow machine for MNC’s Birthday? 😀👍

  23. I started a pet plan at the vets so I could take my cat every three months and they would do the claw clipping, worming and flea treatment. She’s a little bugger and refuses point blank to let me do these things. Now it seems they’ve furloughed the vet’s assistant so they don’t have to pay his wages and told me they’ll send the worming and flea treatments to me in the post. What good will they do me? And what about her claws? Forget it. And guess what, they expect me to keep paying the same amount. When I said I’d suspend the direct debit till they resumed normal service, they said I was legally obliged to pay for the full twelve months.
    Amazing how some companies have managed to find ways of profiting from this lockdown situation.

    • Cunts. If you’re ‘legally obliged’ to pay the full amount, aren’t they ‘legally obliged’ to provide the service you’re paying for?
      Sounds like this is what Twitter was made for. Go on there and call the cunts out.

      • Correct RK – a legally binding aspect of any contract is that terms and conditions cannot change without the express permission of all parties involved.

  24. During the crisis, one of my favourite excuses has become completely redundant.
    If Mrs B asks me why haven’t I done something, even I can’t respond with “I haven’t had time!” 😅

    • It’s amazing how much my missus can find for me to do while she’s doing those really vital things like doing her nails and eyebrows, organising her wardrobe, and shopping for clothes and shoes online.
      Of course, if I point this out, the little minx replies ‘but you do want me look my best, don’t you?’.
      Bless.

      • My Saturday night treat for the wee minx. Well, somebody’s got to do it, and she’s been exceptionally accommodating during the lockdown…

  25. Don’t really understand this if it’s aimed at people who have been put on furlough.

    It’s not an individuals choice but a employers contract with the government.

    Before the slating starts, I have not been put on the scheme and thinks that, for once, at least we are paying for people who have at least fucking contributed to this country, and will continue to do so afterwards.

    There’s plenty of other enemies on our doorsteps, let’s not attack ourselves who actually work hard to build and develop this country into something that was worth taking over. Albeit, not anymore; this country has seen its day.

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