Alex Salmond vs the SNP

Posted on by

Alex Salmond v the SNP

“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s political correspondent Ron Knee speaking. I’m joined today by former Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, who was recently cleared of a number of sexual assault charges made against him. Mr Salmond has agreed to tell us what he intends to do in the wake of the trial. Good afternoon to you, Mr Salmond”.

‘Ah simply cannat accept that. There’ll be nae guid afternoons ’til ah’ve gotten retribution agin ma persecutors’.

“I see. Retribution against whom precisely?”.

‘Is it nae clear ta ye that ah’ve been th’ victim o’ a conspuricy?’.

“Well, various stories and rumours are doing the rounds. Your supporters have blamed a cabal of civil servants and some SNP figures close to Nicola Sturgeon, who supposedly saw the chance to rid the party of your legacy, for reasons that I must admit, remain unclear to me. It all sounds a little far fetched, even paranoid, if I may say so”.

‘Ah simply cannat accept that. Did ye no’ hear yon Kenny MacAskill say that “dark forces” were at work durin’ th’ trial? Let’s jist say th’ noo that ah might hae some evidence that couldnae come oot at th’ time. It jist might show th’ depths o’ some peepulls’ infamy. Infamy!’.

“They’ve all got it in for me! *Ah-hem* that’s just my, erm, little joke. So the word is that you’re writing a book, an expose which according to SNP veteran Jim Sillars, will be like ‘a volcanic eruption’ under the party. He goes so far as to suggest that it will lead to a clearout of what he calls the ‘rot’ at the top echelons of the party. It looks as though the SNP could experience some very serious blood-letting. Can you give us a little taster?”.

‘Nae can do. Ah’m keepin’ a low profile an’ ma pooder dry ’til this Coronaryvirus cack’s died doon, so ah can come oot all guns blazin’ fer maximum publicity. Th’ JFK an’ Roswell conspuricies have got nuthin’ on this, ah tell ye. This is goin’ tae top best sellin’ lists fae Troon tae Timbuktutankhamun!’.

“Goodness. Do you expect resignations from senior party figures in the light of your revelations? Might you even relaunch your political career with a coup against the SNP leadership?”.

‘Those pygmies are no’ in ma league. Ah tell ye that by th’ time ah’m done… och, fae noo let’s jist say that when Wee Jimmy gets ah read, she’ll pap her kecks wi’ a new tarr-tun!’.

“Well as you know, we here at IsAC would be delighted if you’d give us a sneak preview prior to publication. Our followers would love a good old fashioned story of down and dirty intrigue and back-stabbing within the SNP, particularly when there’s a large salicious content”.

‘Aye wull, mibbes aye, mibbes naw; there’d be th’ matter o’ bawbees tae be agreed furrst. Nuthin’ fae nuthin’, ye ken’.

“*Sigh* ‘mony ah mickle maks ah mockle’, as they say in your part of the world. Well thank you Mr Salmond, and, er, stay out of any tunnels in the meantime. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.

Nominated by Ron Knee

43 thoughts on “Alex Salmond vs the SNP”

  1. Arise Sir Ron, then collect your Pulitzer prize! This is like watching Owen “rusks and milk” Jones having a brawl with Nish Kumar – sit back, tea and biscuits and enjoy the bloodletting.
    The SNP have divided and destroyed Scotland, and their public self destruction will be interesting in a sadistic way I imagine a certain unnamed “Jimmy Krankie impersonator” is currently shaking in her baggy tartan knickers and ordering her minions to “burn those fucking files and delete those fucking emails”.
    Allegedly.
    This one is going to be fun, and I rename Alex Salmond after our German hiking friend – “Wandering Hans”..👍

    • Thanks Vernon.
      I get the distinct impression that Fat Alex is really out for blood. Just hope that the ‘revelations’, when they finally come, don’t turn out to be a damp squib.

  3. Fucking hell Ron, reading out loud Scottish pronounced words, Mrs Daz thought I was having a stroke……Good cunting, very creative!

  4. Ron….you are justed fucking wasted here ! Fucking amazing cunting, and it certainly gave me a hell of a laugh !

  5. Not wishing to be a complete and utter cunt by temporarily diverting Ron’s rather excellent nom, but I’d just like to remind any Window 10 users, that Redmond are about to release a major upgrade to the W10 operating system (called rather confusingly, “Windows 10 2004” The 2004 representing the year and month of initial release, even though its now May!)

    This is not an ordinary bug fix release, but a significant upgrade (the last one being with Windows 10 1903 & 1909). As a consequence when 2004 is eventually released anytime soon (probably end of month) it may automatically download to your machine (depending on your setup). And if you allow it to install without taking precautions first you may well be well and truly fucked if it goes TU.

    You can defer (pause) any downloads by going into “Windows Update” and “Pause updates for 7 days” (If you click once it will pause for 7 days, if you click again it will pause for another 7 days up to a max of 30 days). By delaying the major upgrade you can wait and see if any major problems should arise elsewhere.

    In addition, it might be worth having a backup of your existing Windows 10 OS version (1909) just in case 2004 completely fucks your machine! To have a copy of Windows 10 1909 just follow instructions in the link below (make sure you perform an ordinary backup of any vital documents, photos, music, porn etc to a an external drive before doing any of the above)

    https://www.computerworld.com/article/3543316/it-s-time-to-squirrel-away-a-clean-copy-of-win10-version-1909.html

    (Sorry again for being a sad cunt, but I wouldn’t trust Microsoft to make a pot of tea without fucking it up.)

    As we are sharing random shit, I would like to announce that one of my runner beans has sprouted, I am treating the area with nemaslug now to keep the fuckers alive

  8. SNP are limbering up but Big Dog Groper steps into the ring.

    TONIGHT!
    What Started As A Friendly Challenge Has Escalated In Tension And Intensity.

    Big Dog is grabbed by the neck and is shockingly thrown over the top rope by SNP. We’ll see what the Groper does now. He’s back in and Oh!…. slam dunks the SNP. The latter recovers but OH, it’s a smack down from the chubby Big Dog. It’s all over.

    Groper retains the title of ‘Most repulsive cunt in Scotland.’

    Money In The Bank

  9. Quite amusing really. The old Laird v Jimmy Krankie and her crazy gang. She pretty quickly abandoned her “mentor” didn’t she? He WAS the SNP for many years and handed it to his chosen successor on a plate. Almost delivered independence too.

    Is he an old lech? Probably but politics was/is full of them. I think he will go all out to discredit her now and will hopefully damage the scotch nats in the process. Jimmy Krankie is too big for her wee boots anyway. What a shame:)

    • I see that Wee Jimmy’s got herself in some hot water for (allegedly) covering up an outbreak of C-19 at an international conference in Edinburgh during February.
      It’ll be interesting to see what, if anything, comes of this.

  10. Off road a mo…

    According to O’Shithead, his wildest dreams are coming true. The UK is entering into a deep recession and it’s all because of Brexit. He’s fair creaming his designer boxer shorts. 🙄

    • He is a complete cunt RTC, I’ve thought about cunting him many time’s but I’m
      Not capable of producing a cunting worthy of him.

      • Go for it Sixdog! He’s previously been cunted 8 times, so another 2 will see him take his rightful place on the Great Wall of Cunts.

  11. Alex Salmond v the SNP, just conjures up an image of him and wee smells of piss Nicky humping in the street like two wee terriers.

  12. Alex Salmond should give thanks I wasn’t the judge in his case.
    I doubt if anyone would willingly have sexual relations with the ugly bastard.
    The case was already proven to me before he stepped into the dock.

  13. Dump the fucking lot of them at the bottom of Loch Ness and dissolve their parliament that we pay for.
    Thieving windbag cunts.
    Lovely work Ron.

  15. Lots of politicians see themseves as akin to being filmstars and see themselves as irresistable to the ladies. Deluded.
    This will be a dirty war because if there is one thing these Scots hate more than the ‘bloody English’ it’s each other where many jealousies and petty slights real or imagined abound.
    Should be fun.

      • Gag almost works there, MNC, only there’s a “D” at the end of his name. Were there not, then “Alex Salmon*…” would be the opening gambit of a lecherous GP when confronted by a nubile young lady

        * followed by “your foof right now”

    • One thing is clear in all this SH, and that’s the lad Alex sees himself as a player where skirt is concerned.

  16. He must be quite confident that there’s no more dirt on him. We’ll wait and see.

    Hoo-ee, what a cunt.

  17. Great nom as usual Ron. Cuntface Salmond was the reason I first found this noble site back in the day. I merely typed ‘Alex Salmond is a cunt’ not really expecting any hits and then like a vision this site appeared. He’s definitely keeping his powder dry at the moment but I actually can’t wait until the shitstorm beaks and with any fucking luck the odious arrogant racist insignificant SNP will implode.

    • Tis much to be hoped CS but I fear that it won’t happen. The SNP is more like a cult than anything else in my opinion. If Wee Jimmy grew a toothbrush moustache and started jack-booting about, the cunts would still support her. They’d support a haggis if an SNP rosette was stuck on it.

    • Ha ha CS.
      I typed in “Marcus Brigstock is a cunt” and ended up on this site.
      Isn’t the interweb marvellous!

  18. I typed in “Nicola Sturgeon is a cunt” – and found the only site with a pair, and (within sensible legal boundaries) no censorship or persecution from the hate Police of the “liberal” left.
    Thank fuck, because I was starting to believe my opinion was a lone voice in a snowflake wilderness.

      • Russel Brand brought me here. I’m actually grateful to the scruffy smelly pig ignorant cunt…

  20. SNP = CUNTS
    Funny that I typed in Nicola Sturgeon super injunction lesbian house in France with gay partner allegedly and absolutely nothing came up
    Just saying like
    Craig Murray’s 28 page charge sheet is even more of a fantasy than fat Alex’s
    Oh and there’s now another guy been charged – Hirst is his name
    House raided – phone and computer taken by “ The Salmond Team “
    Police Scotland still have folk working on this – ffs
    Inner cult members of SNP ARE up to their necks in lies and corruption

  21. Just before the Coronavirus took hold it came to light that Alex Salmond’s lawyer quit as head of Scottish legal body. Gordon Jackson (not Cowley from The Professionals) was filmed on train talking about Salmond and sexual assault trial. There is now a strong possibility that Alex ‘Fucking’ Salmond might sue his own defence lawyer who worked tirelessly to keep the fat sex pest out of jug.

    In further news he might also sue the Scottish “Government” (Parliament) for untold millions for “stress” and “putting him and his family through hell”. You’ve brought it upon yourself you cheeky, arrogant, fat, useless fucking cunt. Does this cunt have no shame? Hopefully the law profession will pull ranks and rake up more shit so that he will serve some time in prison.

    Hopefully the SNP will implode before the next referendum thanks to the Coronavirus making them miss their “Boris is anti-Scottish” propaganda window of opportunity in Scotland.

  22. If I was a betting man I’d put money on fat Alex going for a clean sweep
    First he won the judicial review £561,000 it cost the tax payer though the head civil service kept her job ( big pals with The Krankie)
    Second he wins his court case easily at a canter
    Ad say thirdly if he sues gov , polis Scotland and or his accusers ( liars) then he would def win again

Comments are closed.