Van Der Valk

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This might be a bit previous, but I am nominating ITV’s ‘modern reimagining’ of the classic 70s series Van Der Valk. This won’t be on tv until tomorrow 26th April, but from what I’ve read in the tv guide, it contains all the obligatory stock characters of the modern detective series:

Main character, a loner
Female boss
Lesbian member of squad
Young buck detective (with an eye for the ladies)
Junior eager member of squad (effnick)
Hard drinking pathologist

This was last resurrected in 1990, seventeen years after the original ended. It should have ended there. The original is on Talking Pictures TV on Fridays at 9pm, I’ll stick with that.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

47 thoughts on “Van Der Valk”

  1. Still got the same theme tune?
    Liked that!
    Used it for ‘oranjeboom ‘lager .
    But more a Dirty Harry Callaghan fan, van der Valk was dutch so probably a druggie
    .
    “Youll be on a charge Callaghan!”
    “Bite me Chief”.

    • Exactly what I asked my wife and no, it hasn’t. I was a bit young to watch the original but did like the theme music.

    • “Eye Level” was that sig tune.
      Brill.
      I saw a few minutes of this… thing; proof, if it were needed, of why exhumation are disagreeable and malodourous affairs…

  2. Your instincts proved correct Mystic — another modern re-imagining that does the original a great disservice. To be fair, I liked the subtle rearrangement of “Eye Level” but that’s about it.

    Poor old Barry Foster will be turning in his grave.

    • What is this stupid fucking word ‘re-imagining’? It’s another of those stupid fucking ideas devised by fucking millennials – the generation of people that are so fucked up it would be a good idea for the species homo sapiens to become extinct.

      Anybody who uses the word ‘re-imagining’ (with the exception of fellow cunters who are using the word for the legitimate purpose of a cunting) is a fucking cunt.

      And millennials are fucking cunts too.

      And the politicians and civil servants who are letting illegals cross the English Channel during this pandemic are cunts too.

  3. Who ever cast this show is proper cunt! Where‘s the one in a wheelchair, wearing a turbine! Always leaning towards the able bodied, and it’s a fucking disgrace!

    • Yep, and there’s their version of Token from South Park, I’m assuming he’s Surinamese, and that’ll be the lesbian stood next to him looking all butch. A pretty bi-sexual girl might have made it interesting.

  4. Good Morning, good to have Boris back but his hair did look as though Carrie had been having a go at it, mind you it always looks a bit like that.

    What was the worst thing about last night’s show, never mind all the virtue signalling, was that they re-jigged and completely fucked-up the wonderful theme music of the original. I had hoped Barry Foster would make a cameo but maybe he is Hovis.

    • He’s been out selling pins for the Nation… Hair all matted up with spunk. Give the lad a break!!

    • No Daz cop show set in Holland best thing about it was its theme tune.
      Popular in the 70s, my grandad watched it but preferred Kojak.
      Best thing out of Holland is its meat& potato pies in the chippy.

  6. The original Eye Level was a cracker and a suprise chart hit in 1973.

    I remember the song in the charts when I was a nipper.

    Yup, old Barry Foster will be turning in his grave, the old boy passed away quite a few years back. Surely, this now being set in modern Holland, surely Van Der Valk would be spending most of his time smoking a joint and dressing up in women’s clothes and a pair of pink clogs?

    • Yes his idea of a good time was to ogle every woman in sight then throttle her to death. The murders were filmed in excruciating detail with Barbar Leigh-Hunt´s tongue lolling out and her eyes whirring like a catherine wheel. The scene in which he dumps the body in a load of potatoes and it falls out on the road when the tailgate on the truck opens was priceless. I doubt if a film like that would be made nowadays.

    • I remember Frenzy JR.
      The scene that sticks in my mind is where he’s strangling that woman and keeps repeating the word “lovely” till she’s dead.
      I found that very disturbing.

  8. Not seen it yet. Will record for assessment. I did watch a Mel Gibson film last night though – Edge of Darkness. A remake of a British tv friller I fink. Fucking disgraceful, only 1 kaffir, no wheelchairs, no trannies, shirlifters or rug munchers. Gibson didn’t do a single anti-Semitic rant.
    We are blessed that film and TV now is aware of minority issues.

    • I watched MG’s ‘The Passion of The Christ’ several times, with sub titles as it was all scripted in Aramaic but feel we on here are in a revolving door of genuine “cuntings” followed by favorite recipes reviews and TV and film critique.

  9. Downloaded the first episode, utter shite I’m afraid.

    If you want a good watch, try Gangs of London and Orthodox.

  10. Watched it for first 20 minutes then turned it off, you are correct with the stereo typing prediction Mystic.
    A pile of cunts, should be called Van der Wank.

    • I figured I would be right and glad that I didn’t waste two hours of my life last night.

  11. Why bother with original ideas? Recycling is so much better, fuck it just repeat the original.

  12. It’s just a British detective squad operating in Holland speaking English ,what a load of wank.At least talk English with a dutch accent FFS.
    Gobshites!

  13. This was done much better by Harry Enfield;-

    Zis is my partner Hans, who is alsho my lover.

  14. Prefer the classic Barry Foster version myself. This will be a load of woke anti male anti-white anti straight crap. Like Lezzing Eve with Windmills.

    And I wonder which current chinless talent-free can’t sing write or play a note cunt they’ve got to shit all over the them tune, the still magnificent Eye Level?

    • shit all over the theme tune, the still magnificent Eye Level that should cunting say.

      I also recall Matt Monro doing a syrup drenched ‘with words’ version of Eye Level. Prefer the Simon Park Orchestra original though. The album the SPO did at the time (also titled Eye Level) is an underrated gem. With ace pieces like Glass Triangle and Distant Hills, the epic closing theme to Granada’s Crown Court.

    • Probably Sam Smith. He (allegedly) is a cunt too.

      And why do so many people use ‘they’ when talking about Sam Smith – isn’t one cunt called Sam Smith enough?

  15. This Van Der Valk remake is the arshe of a horshe.
    On other news I hoovered the living room carpet, and ordered some Ray Bans.

  16. Loved the show back in the day. Still remember the song ” Oranjeboom Oranjeboom it’s a lager not a song”
    The modern Van Der Valk could not sniff out a teenage Jewish girl hiding in a loft. I would like to see a Oldham version were he and his political correct side kicks hunted down child fucking kebab workers.

  17. It was dreadful. Agree with post above r.e. “Orthodox” though – very good. Written by same woman who did “Deutschland 83” – another excellent series. Set during the Cold War – when we REALLY had something to worry about!

  18. I know everyone is locked in their houses but you’d have to be pretty much comatose to consider watching this cuntery.
    Guaranteed to be akin to a BBCistan period drama drowning in dark keys etc etc.
    Fuck off.

  19. I bought the box set of the original some time ago. The early episodes are hard going. VDV is not that likeable and seems to have a bottle of beer in his hand in practically every scene. But…..it improves and gets way better and is well worth the effort.

    Cracking theme tune too. One of the best. Only UFO and The Persuaders are better IMO.

    Yesteryear telly is just superior. End of. Not having access to Dave or TV Gold or whatever its called, I have to buy the DVDs to enjoy the old shows. Got a ton of them – mostly brilliant. The New Avengers, The Professionals, Minder (up until Waterman left), Blake’s 7, Survivors, Ever Decreasing Circles, UFO, The Sweeney, Prisoner Cell Block H (which is hilarious but isn’t supposed to be), The Prisoner, Department S, Jason King, Starsky & Hutch, The Persuaders, The Man From UNCLE, The Protectors…. to name a few. Yank telly is such wank 99% of the time.

    Oh well, back to my studies…

    • During my time in confinement I have been watching the old episodes of Coronation Street. I am up to were Ernie Bishop gets shot. Also on are Steptoe & Son, The Goodies, The Sweeney, Budgie, Callan Life On Mars, and Beat Club: a German music show which featured scores of top rock and prog acts in the 60s and 70s….

      Here’s Ritchie and the boys on Beat Club from 71.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5WVqZqw1Es

      And some vintage Corrie.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68WKNwFZlk0

      • When watching the Sweeney, count how many times the show ends with the words ‘YOU BASTARD!’

    • Just got back from the shooting range.

      Managed to buy 700 rounds for my 22 semi-auto. Mrs Yank bought a Kimber K6S 38S revolver, but no 38 Special ammo ‘cos they were all out. If we get into a gun fight, she’s fucked.

      That’s life here in Texas on a Monday afternoon. Mental!

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