Tentative Steps With The Lockdown

Posted on by

Tentative Steps With The Lockdown

So there I am in my old pyjama leg ‘mask’. I look like a fucking Ninja Turtle. She opens the door and I take my first tentative step outside. But that graphic showed that the virus hangs in the air. I want to turn back but she won’t let me.
The road is long (to the garage) and so is the list.
‘I must have Worcester Sauce: ‘ ‘I must have Baby Wipes non fragranced’.
I tentatively tiptoe out the backyard, tentatively opening the gate, tentatively turning left, peering round onto the street. Is there anyone around? No, oh off I go.
I suppose the ‘hunter gatherers’ would stride out manfully to go and get food. I am like a squirrel crossing the main road.
Then the country path. I cannot even stop and give Willow a pat so desperate I am to get thing done.
The lights of the garage. Do I check the balance? No. Don’t take the risk.
There’s a security woman on the door. We have to queue two metres. But some don’t respect it and I’m so far back others jump in.
I tentatively enter. Where is the basket? Down at the counter. But the arrows point I should go the other way. I follow the arrows all the way round to get the basket. Then I start again. By this time I feel so nervous I abandon the list and just start throwing items from the shelves in as I pass.
Did that woman just cough? He looks as though he could have it.
Must get the milk and bread. But the aisle is narrow. Am I two metres away from him? No way. I must just rush in.
Terror no chicken steaks. Will she eat tinned fish? She hates fish.
Oh thank God there are some Chocolate Buttons.
The counter. They put a barrier up so you only put through one item at time. So slow.
Now the dreaded paying with the card. No one has cleaned it since the last time. Remember not to touch your face on the way back. OK.
Forgetting not to touch my face under the pressure of it all I rush home as fast as I can.
‘Where is the…?’ You didn’t get the….?
They are taking tentative steps in Italy, Spain to ease the lockdown. I do so want to walk with ease again.

Nominated by Miles Plastic

76 thoughts on “Tentative Steps With The Lockdown”

  1. A nom written in the style of a post-modern Lewis Carroll…

    Lockdown is certainly a cunt, I walked the 30 seconds to my local shop on Sunday to find it closed (unusual) and a random dude stood in the middle of the road, arms by his side, drooling and just staring at the shop like a fucking zombie, possibly willing it to open. As I got closer, he looked at me and uttered something unintelligible…

    I hurried back home looking back over my shoulder making sure the cunt wasn’t following me.

  2. Fuck knows what you are on about mate but I was in the Tesco Express last night. Queued for about 5 minutes, no problem, got to the checkout and there is some Africunt bitch in front of me buying a single tube of something or other……..fanny cream, I don’t know. So I won’t be hanging about then?
    Oh no, this fucking bitch has to empty her fucking bag all over the floor to find her fucking purse. I make eye contact with the bird on the checkout and we are both saying ….”you dozy fucking Africunt bitch…..try growing a brain or fuck off back to the jungle.” Birdbrain finally hands over a fiver, gets the change, and then holds up the fanny cream and says “I wanted 2 of these.”
    Brilliant! So you know she wants to hold up the whole process while she does her shopping again, empties her fucking bag all over the floor again….etc etc.
    So the security ( another fucking Africunt) tells her to go to the back of the queue and it all kicks off. I nip in and fuck off with my stuff while these 2 foreign bastards, who shouldn’t be in my country in the first place, are lecturing each other about “respeck”.
    Fuck me, what a country.

    • Read that FtF and shed a tear borne of wistful melancholy longing for the days when my country was formerly great. *Sob!*

      Thankfully very few efnicks down in deepest darkest Cornwall. For now…yikes!

      • Well as a born and bred Londoner, speaking from darkest Londonstabistan, i’d say you’ve got 20 years.
        I could be wrong though. Times change very quickly these days.
        Ok……15 years, to be on the safe side.

      • I used to think White Africans were cunts(they still are but so are we) until their former indolent, obstructive, indignant, selfish and boorish* servants followed them here. They warned us, but like the wise old man everyone ignores in the monster movie no one listened. They are to my joy terribly frightened of dogs.
        *Irony, tee hee.

      • Shackledragger@
        Like you I thought white south africans were horrible cunts but proven wrong yesterday, missus miserables car haf a flat battery, its a Ford Kuga and cant throw jump leads straight on it so called the AA out.
        He was painfully cheerful & South African,
        Couldnt beleive it,
        Cunt was humming!
        Waved as he was leaving.
        Stereotype shattered!
        Obviously on the AA feedback I’ll complain about his constant humming and insinuate hed been drinking.😁

      • I have several white South African relatives and through them have met many others and have always found them agreeable and friendly. They like to drink, they are carnivores to a man, they drive like maniacs and they have an entrepreneurial streak that vanished from the UK a long time ago. The stereotype of the racist Boer was always exaggerated even at the time of apartheid. South Africans of all races generally get on well. As I said in a previous post, black South Africans are often hostile to other African immigrants from Nigeria, Mozambique and Zimbabwe amongst other places.

      • Oh no sorry mr Polly you misunderstood.
        The dour racist ones the Boers? Used to set dogs on the blacks?..
        No they’re the ones I DO like.😁

  3. Good nom. Perfectly described.
    Just glad the weather has been good otherwise it would have the feel of the former East Germany about it all.

  4. ” I do so want to walk with ease again”….well I’m afraid you might be waiting a while,Miles.

    Even when this “lockdown” is eased, the virus won’t have gone away…people will still be catching/transmitting it. As far as I know all this lockdown was about was slowing the surge so that the hospitals weren’t swamped…post-lockdown people will still be catching it….just in more manageable numbers.

    On the good news front….I was reading about some old Fart who reckons that smokers are less likely to catch it….excellent…my 40 years of puffing away like an industrial smoke stack will stand me in good stead…plus there’ll be the added benefit of being able to tell the Anti-Smoking zealots to ” Fuck Off” as my tar-protected lungs power me past their pink ones…..my superior lung capacity will ensure that I’ll be long gone before they manage to fill their self-righteous lungs to deliver their sermon on the dangers of smoking.

    Fuck Off.

    • You’re not more delicately-footed duriing this time Mr F? I imagine you entering nervously like a fawn of the forest.

      • I’m genuinely not.
        I have always had the “whatever will be,will be” attitude. When (not “if”) I catch it…well we’ll just see what pans out,won’t we?…no point worrying about it.

        Morning ,Miles
        Morning,All.

      • I’m with you on this Dick, I don’t go around licking strangers (apparently it’s frowned upon) but I don’t lose sleep over it. My reasoning is I can live in fear and if I do succumb to Covid I’d of lived the last days of my life in fear and misery. I can just get on best I can and enjoy life best I can, if I succumb to it at least I will end my days as happily as I could have.

        1 in 5 deaths are currently registered as Covid, 4 out of five people are dying of other shit. So odds are we are still much more likely to die due to other causes.

      • The way things are going I think my best course of action is climb on Wllow and charge the place,. A bit like The Lone Ranger -galloping round the aisles picking up stuff where and when I can. Then out the door- ‘Hi Ho Willow Away!’.

  5. If my local tesco does not keep employing young,fit,fucking sexy white twinks to stack the shelves it will be lockup for me, never mind lockdown.

    As for the queue bitch ( the one who tells you which till to go to) I could get arrested for just thinking about what I would do with you. Fortunate ly, they do not sell gaffer tape or plastic sheeting but they do sell squirty cream…

  6. What’s spreading faster than Covid-19? Fear that’s what. The media lapping it up, some Doctor is today saying Covid may be spread by farting, really doc? If they are farting close enough to infect me by farting load of virus being spread directly by their respiratory system will all ready of got me, unless I’m a felcher, in which case I’d deserve whatever comes my way.

    It’s better to die on your feet than live on your knees, the government is shipping in plane loads of Romanians to pick fruit and veg, whilst the British kneel in outlets hovels.

    • I agree with you Sixdog (and well written cunting Miles). I see today that some of the shitty “takeaways” are reopening, no doubt followed by the chinky takeaways (it’s the big boys first). Added to that Luke Pollard iron Shadow Minister has got his wish to import Eastern Europen fruitpickers, and it seems to me Covid 19 Part 2 will be with us by autumn at the latest, so the BBC can keep it’s camp self importance going.

      My visit to the local Sainsbury’s the other day included the shock of seeing a wizened little dark key wearing an enormous cricket box over his gob. It looked like something horrific out of Quatermas & The Pit (for those who remember Nigel Kneale’s creation).

      • I bet that looked funny.

        I remember laughing at the photo of the bloke who went to the supermarket in a full hamzat when the outbreak hit. How I (and others) laughed.

        It looks like a good idea now. If everyone had one, at least some could go back to work. And we could all go shopping without fear. There will be some jobs you could do in a hamzat, I’m sure.

        I think they cost a bomb though, so there’s the problem.

      • And thinking about both posts, imagine farting in a hamzat?

        I think the virus might be the better option in my case. Some of mine have made the wife sleep in the spare room before.

  9. Miles, I read the nom in the voice of Alan Bennett. It made it all the more depressing yet perversely amusing.

  10. Blimey Miles, I would have thought you’d be made of sterner stuff. Not to mention all that religion you’ve got to fall back on. A bit OCD?

    No problem in my neck of the woods. Go out shopping every day, sometimes have to wait a couple of minutes outside the shop to get in, cunts mostly respecting the 2 metre rule, and rarely return home without the necessaries.

    I take a brisk 30 minute walk in the park every day with some great uplifting music on the Walkman. Touched my face by mistake for 15 seconds once when a sweaty jogger got a bit too close yesterday, but nothing more serious to report, think I got away with it.

    Have banned the wife from doing any shopping – if I get Covid19 I don’t want to think she’s to blame.

    Sing on brother, play on drummer.

    • Correction: I used to go out shopping every day, but now down to twice a week, max.

      • Do you still manage to go out flashing Miserable? I’m not aware of anything in government guidelines against it. Would think it comes under taking exercise.

      • Thats how I interpreted it Ruff as long as I keep 2metres apart, can still show them ‘little miserable’.
        Obviously I wash it in alcohol just to be safe.

        ‘

      • The guidelines are a good lathering for two minutes, is Mini-Miserable up for that?

      • Just drop the tip of my helmet into a glass of glenlivet, let it soak up the antibacterial properties, grab my mack, good to go!
        Oh knock back the glenlivet, not wasting it.

  11. Just be thankful corona doesn’t lead to knobrot.

    No need to be tentative at bashing the ol’ bishop into submission.

    • I bet hospital cases of snapped banjo strings are at record levels right now.

  12. See that old cunt raising millions by walking round his garden? I could beat that. I just declare that every single penny is going to British people 🇬🇧, w*gs ain’t getting fuck all. Imagine all the free publicity I would get from the libtards screaming raaaaaay-sist!!!
    Don’t forget to clap for me 8pm tonight you cunts.

    • Not me Freddie. I’ll be clapping for the brave Romanian fruit & veg pickers being flown in today cos our indigenous cunts can’t be arsed to step up to the plate and do an honest day’s work.

      I can see farmer Fiddler’s welcome mat now:

      FUCK OFF.

  13. Made my weekly trip to Tesco this morning, parked up, out of the car and straight in no problem, a quick wipe over with hand gel and into action, the tricky part is dodging all the juggernaut trolleys (staff collecting shit for those who can’t be arsed to get out of bed). After 5 or 10 minutes I am done and directed to checkout till no 11, this is a real bonus, gorgeous little blonde (would definitely risk Covid to reduce my 2 metres down to 2 mm).
    Back in the car for the drive home and the news is on, first we have prof somebody saying social distancing will last in some form until a vaccine is found, well OK, then piss boiling time….. six plane loads of fruit pickers being shipped in from Romania, What The Fuck!! We have people here losing jobs, students sitting on their hands getting free qualifications and the fucking feckless and we are importing fruit pickers….. Unbelievable!!

  14. The stress and expectation of this clapping malarkey is exacerbating my anxiety problem. People trying to out do each other: some cunt out with a full drum kit last week whilst we stood meekly clapping like the Major’s wife acknowledging a splendid cover drive for four on the village green. Mrs Cunt and I (she actually is NHS staff) will be fucking off out at 1945hrs. Fuck the sheeple cunts!

    • but the hospitals are empty so what the fuck are they doing? all these celebs wanting to be on the frontline – to do what exactly? FFS the world has gone fucking mad over a flu bug – and Handycock is still telling us how awful everything is – who believes a word this plank says??? We are free people and should just get out and mow down celebs and politicians for telling porkies

  15. I can’t find any reference to these fruit picking pikeys. It’s got to be a soshul meeja hoax.

    • Nope its real Fred.
      Saw it on online news.
      Theyre ‘specialists’ to train people.
      How to pull a apple off a branch.

      • I saw it on the BBC RTC, went completely mental when I saw it, then I checked some real news sources just to be on the safe side.
        I did a very angry nom which should be appearing (like our thieving scrounging disease spreading Romanian labourers)
        soon all being well. (Unless Admin detain me under the mental health act, I was as angry as a peaceful who had missed school finishing time!)
        This is the biggest two fingers up to the British people I can possibly imagine and all I can say is

        WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING BORIS?!!!!!!!!!!
        Fuck lockdown, I do what I please now.

  16. there’s a massive strawberry farm near me – the fruit appears to be planted and growing but there’s no influx of workers – so how did they get planted – zombies maybe??

  18. Jesus Fucking CHRIST!!! What a fucking joke. This is fucking bollocks. What’s the point being locked up at home when they’re flying in hundreds of filthy foreign pikeys. Why not just inject us with batshit and stop fucking about?
    And how many of these cunts will be going home? Fuck all that’s how many. Why bother with a dinghy across the Channel when you can just waltz in like a cunt.
    Fuck this SHIT.

    • I have emailed the Government about this outrage, I urge all fellow contributors to do the same – we are in prison but the ones detaining us are breaking the lockdown themselves – way to take the flying piss there!
      As our esteemed colleague Sir Fiddler will tell you the picking/gathering season is short in farming, so what will these Romanians do when there is no more work?
      Yep, that’s the one – straight on the benefits gravy train with just the odd trip into town for prostitution, shoplifting and pickpocketing – and spreading Covid19 of course.
      I genuinely despair – how many kicks can a Man take before he kicks back HARD?

  19. Went to my tiny local post office yesterday where there’s room for two people to queue, so I stood outside the door. This woman came up and just opened the door and stood behind the last person, didn’t ask if I was queuing, didn’t even look at me.
    I’m getting really fed up of people moaning about the lockdown and asking when it’s going to be over. When it’s fucking safe you fucking morons. The day when it’s announced there are no new infections, I’m going to stay at home for the next six months to make sure.

    • Agree – the Meeja shit-stirring demanding to know when and how the lockdown will be eased is boiling my piss too.

      Common sense suggests it will be eased once the medical experts consider the virus to be otherwise manageable, or when the lockdown itself is deemed to be more detrimental to the population than the virus itself.

      • Much of the meeja’s been acting the cunt during this emergency; self opinionated cunts like Keunessberg and Peston demanding answers to this, that and the fucking other, when most of the time, nobody knows the answers.
        They’re being a fucking pain, pushing their own agendas a lot.

  20. A melancholy, almost poetic piece of cunting Miles.
    Sums up the way most of us are feeling, I reckon. Nice job mate!

  21. Another 3 weeks of ‘lockdown’, then I’ll wager another 3 more…

    If this continues into the summer, the economy won’t just be fucked, it will be obliterated.

    And whilst I have every respect for the NHS, I did well before this shit… this clapping thing feels a bit contrived to me.

    I would rather walk up to a nurse or doctor (respecting the 2 metre distance obviously) and tell them to their faces that they are doing a great job.

    • No, you have to clap on your isolated doorstep like a demented seal while our great and good bring in more Romanian Gypsies.

      • We had a nice twist to this where I live the other day.
        Hospital staff were lining the road outside the hospital and clapping the passing public. Or maybe they were just being cynical?

      • Bit irresponsible. Shouldn’t they be inside rather than passing on their germs to the passing public?

  22. I also meant o say, there are other workers who are deserved of a round of applause other than health workers.

    Supermarket and shop workers are putting themselves in a similarly dangerous position…

    Without them where would we be ?

    • And the cunts have no choice but to work. Quit, and they can’t claim dole or the 80% dosh. Risk your life every day for minimum wage or starve and become homeless, seems to be their choice in the matter. Heroes? Like they had a fucking choice!

      Imagine how the poor cunts feel risking their lives for £8 an hour while everyone else gets to sit at home, in relative safety, and be paid more than them? I’d be fucking livid and telling people who say I’m a hero to ‘fuck right off, you cunt.’

      I hope they sue their employers and the government for putting them in harm’s way, considering the lack of PPE given to them and the ‘work and risk your life or die on the streets, you cunts’ option they’ve given staff (some supermarkets aren’t even letting staff wear PPE they’ve bought for themselves, for example).

      The supermarkets, raking it in by the way, should be paying their staff about £50 an hour at the moment (with good PPE). Because I still wouldn’t do that job for that amount at the moment.

  23. Get the fucking prisoners out picking fruit on fucking chain gangs. If only we were in the good ole US of A, could be quite nostalgic for those of a darker hue. Fucking cunts!

  24. Get the bone idle Politicians to do it – oh, sorry – I forgot, they are too busy spending the extra ten Thousand Pounds they have given themselves and breaking the lockdown they have forced on us to bring in foreigners while our people go to the wall (and up it, in my case).

  25. Au contraire, I took a long drive to the country on a job, 250 km each way, wide open road, clear autumn Down-under sky, rolling hills, stubble fields, forests, wind rushing. Wombats and kangaroos both live and roadkill. Missus came along as my offsider, I bought her a hi-viz vest so she looked the part.

    So good to be out in the dangerous air, spiced somewhat by the frisson of being stopped by the cops (out of curfew? no, speeding so it eventuated, let off with a warning!). I felt like Neil Peart in a Fucking Red Barchetta.

    And in the shops, the bingo-winged checkout harridan arksed if I have a flybuys card. What FUCKING good are fly points at the moment you STUPID CUNT. (I thought)

  26. Miles, pour yourself a large glass of man the fuck up fella, you can get it in the supermarket, aisle 3.

    • Yeah Flexi I have revealed myself go be an ‘absolute wuss’ in the words of Mrs P.

    • No Weary a horse. We communicate telepathically. She once visited Mr Fiddler’s homestead when she was in crisis. She returned and is back in her field.

Comments are closed.