I’d like to nominate cowboy garages, specifically mechanics who are clueless.
Now before I start, I’m not a mechanic, my knowledge comes from forums and haynes manuals, however, I do have some knowledge of what faults are what and with my car being 25 years old it has a few of them.
So, booked it in to get an alternator replaced, got a reman off the web since new are fuckin extortionate, knew it was a risk but thought it’s warranted so fuck it.
Next day gets a phone call off the garage, alternators bad, not accepting charge on the positive, should have bought brand new, I suggested that the positive cable might be fucked as this happens, was told, and I quote
“Well I can’t see it being that, there’s no way that would be the problem, how’s about we sort this out and just get you a proper one”
“Ok then” I said
So never heard back and couldn’t get hold of them until first thing the next morning and by that time I’d thought fuck it, it’s a cunt of a job to do but I’ll persevere and do it myself, rang the garage told them to leave it because it was gonna cost a fortune and I’ll sort it myself.
Got down there, paid the bill and got my car, first thing i noticed was my fusebox and wiring loom were sat on the floor, thought you fuckin wankers, though I’d told them not to finish so I can’t moan too much, drove it on the battery to work then noticed my SRS light was on, again, fuckin wankers, went home, bed, calm down assess it tomorrow.
Next day realised their “brand new” alternator was the wrong one, was fuming, thought right I’m pulling the cable and putting a new one on, gut feeling and such, fired the car up, 14.5 v, fuckin absolutely pissed myself laughing, was over the moon, straight on the phone to the garage, told them their mechanic was wrong, their part was wrong, and I’d fixed it myself, he wasn’t happy but offered me to refund the part, got down there, got the money back then I dropped the bombshell that they’ve fucked my SRS sensor pulling fuses with the battery on, he said they’ll refund me the cost for the part I’ve had to buy and fit myself.
Away I walked feeling like a dog with two cocks, now I know car electrics are a bastard, even for those qualified, but these wankers would have fleeced me for a fuckin fortune, they did on my MOT and to be fair I should have learnt my lesson but it was a needs must situation, nobody likes being told their job by a novice, but when you’re wrong, you’re fuckin wrong.
Nominated by GrandCuntRailRoad
Sound cunting, most “Mechanics” are really technicians who plug in the diagnostic and whatever the fault code says then that must be it.
8
Or pimply youngsters who have done a 3 week manufacturers training course, and as a result think they know everything…
7
I fucking hate cars as my knowledge ends at distinguishing between a flat or inflated tyre. To this end, mechanics are a necessary evil for me, but I still consider them cunts who charge like a wounded bull ($150+ an hour?!) with parts a fortune on top of labour.
Finding a decent repair shop that won’t rob me blind is a fucking mission impossible Ethan Hunt would struggle with.
7
Find your local cab ranks, saunter down the line and ask those whom you suspect speak English where they get their car serviced (strong stomach required). I did this arse backwards (as per), found the under the arches geezer and then realised the place was full of cabs. Sadly, many decades later, he became so popular that he opened a much larger gaff that is his retirement plan, so to speak. Bastard tried to fob me off there, the cunt.
Also, for fucks sake, don’t buy a cock car. Ethan Hunt can eat my chug nuts.
4
I went to the shop the other day and saw a cunt.
Sorry is was doing a Kravdaft and chiming in with a totally irrelevant load of…
keep it friendly. We’ve been here before. YAWN.
9
You could justgo full Abe Simpson B&W….back in nineteen dickety six we used to grow turnips in the bathroom. Jigglesnaps we called them etc etc…
6
Morning KiwiCunt,
Sounds interesting but my mate Dave told me that ‘Modern indoor gardening’ is the way to make serious money during these unprecedented times.
I dunno what he was on abaaaaaht but he said he makes £20,000 every 4 months.
10
I’m guessing not with turnips though?
Evening B&W
6
Morning Admin, heard loud and clear.
My love and respect as always. 👍🏽
thank you B&WC, good to see you’re fighting fit!
5
I’ll be on these parts till my death Admin…which hopefully won’t be for another 40+ years.
I was gonna suggest a whip round for Admin to buy some alcohol and get pissed but the watertight bastard’s on here would probably go into hiding.
The ungrateful…
6
Id chip in BWC but spent all my money on Rupert 50p’s.
Think RTC would sub mine though, failing that ill ask Bertie tomorrow when hes cashed his pension.
Waste of time asking Fiddler, pretends hes not in.
6
You didn’t fall for RTCP’s coin scam did you MNC? You realise that cunting was a shameless advert for his company.
He’s raking it in. 😁
6
His previous racket of Gordon Brown indorsed cyber currency ‘McBitcoin’ enabled him to add a underground swimming pool in the east wing of Creampuff Manor, the swine.
6
Hes a canny lad right enough, although completely immoral.
Goaded me into spending my savings on Rupert coins, then got me to invest in oil, selling back my Ruperts at half what I bought them at.
Ive reported him to Esther Rantzen.
7
You just have to ask mates and mates of mates for a recommendation.
My mechanic deals with mostly classic cars and knows shit inside out and back again. Works for cash where possible and will never do jobs for any sort of foreign-type or p1k1ies.
11
Generally gimmegrants and scratters have no interest in elderly cars and bikes, preferring to just try to get the newest Audi or Beemer they can.
When I went over to working exclusively on vintage bikes it was like entering a different world.
Better customers and no worn out commuter bikes or teenage twats wanting their shitty scooters derestricted….
10
Im lucky, have a commercial vehicle garage I use that weve used for years, worth its weight in gold, I always tip the mechanics £20 and drop off a crate of ale at Christmas.
Know some of you are tight as fuck, but this has led to the mechanics remembering me an doing lots of little jobs without the boss knowing.
Also done removals for them/ their families and done them at mates rates.
Way it works, people take care of you, you take care of them.
Cowboy garages?
Never go to cactus Jacks Autos, hes a cunt!
Cant miss him, wears a big hat.
11
Only some of us are as tight as fuck, Mnc? Is that what’s called a back-handed compliment?
1
Evening Oswald!
You keeping well?
Heehee yes, some are tighter than others, misers, spendthrifts, careful spenders,
Got the lot on here!!☺
1
Also, if you ever find a garage that has no car dealership. My parent’s Mini went to a lovely old father and son outfit. When the Mini was knackered (he kept it going, and MOTd for ages) he recommended a 2nd hand motor for sale. AND it ended up being a good buy.
Sadly, “chuck it and buy a new one” is the new thing.
Does anyone remember the lovely smell of a radio/tv repair shop ? That hum of test-bench electricity ?
5
Market a fully disposable product by convincing the potential buyer that it’s “Green”
Sheer genius…
12
Garages can be a right cunt, find one that does the job well, ideally can do a big job for cash/drugs off the the books, and gets the job done quick smart.
I used to take the Black Man Wagon to an expensive place but found a Mechanic who works in them well and I get the part’s.
He’s happy getting cash, I’m happy saving cash and that’s what it’s abaaaaaht.
What do you want an Apple pie?
Go fuck yourselves.
6
I once went to a cowboy garage and came out with four legs and a bushy tail
7
Do mechanics still do the “sucking air through the teeth” thing when asked if a job is going to be expensive?
Ferrets probably make the same noise when contemplating rabbit pie..
5
Yes, they do. They must go to the same Theatre school as plumbers, builders and all the and other dodgy traders who use the old air-sucking/head-shaking cliches.
6
I was quoted £400 to repair a wc cistern. The blokes looked like The Two Ronnies cuntry bumpkins (well, it was in my Naaarge days…).
Went to the ironmongers, got a couple of different size keyrings to attach to each part, a few inches of bathplug chain, a smear of Vaseline over the lot…Saved myself £397.
The remains of the Vaseline “came in handy”, too…
3
Was this bloke on telly, a show called “moutain men’ he was a fur trapper out in Alaska.
His light aircraft broke down, fixed it hisself.
His skidoo broke down in 3ft of snow fixed it hisself.
Cunt could fix anything.
Wish I had his skills.
6
Sue the pants off them. You won’t be the only one and especially if you can contact others who they’ve fucked over/attempted to fuck over you have a strong case.
4
A lot of these cunts are foreign. Buying old shit and flogging it. There must be another line in dodgy mechanics. Hiding drugs in vehicles to move it around?
Hoo-ee, what a garage of cunts.
3
My family down in Kent have been using the same mechanic for decades. They’re two blokes in the garage and their wives run the office side of things. Always honest and always helpful.
Had a problem with the flexible connection off the manifold on an old SAAB (it had split) Kwik fit wanted £800 for a new exhaust front section and catalytic converter.
My bloke welded it back up for £40 and it is still going strong now, after I sold the car to a mate about 8 years ago.
Another bunch of robdogs I would avoid are FIAT in Richmond. Told the bloke over the phone what the problem was and having done my research on the forums, the car needed a new convergeance unit (£550 fitted).
The cheeky cunt gave it the suck job and told me that they would have to plug the car into the diagnostics for at least two hours at £135 an hour, plus VAT to figure out if that was the problem.
The FIAT dealer that I still use today in Hemel did the diagnostics for free (took 20 minutes) and replaced the convergeance unit for exactly £550.
I will never use FIAT in Richmond, purely because of their bullshit and dishonesty.
Never a god idea to try and con a mechanical engineer.
8
The car i wrote about is an old saab, fucking money pit by all accounts, but I’ve learnt during my ownership how to fix and diagnose a lot of problems, suffice to say it’ll only go to the specialist from now on if it’s major coz them lads are brilliant
1
A lot of SAAB parts are interchangeable with Vauxhall / GM parts.
Wiper motors, electric antenna etc.
Saved a fortune finding that out.
2
Sadly mine isn’t, my 9-3 was coz it was a cavalier chassis and brakes, drop links etc were interchangeable, but i have a 9000 and every part is saab, brilliant from an engineering perspective but a pain in the arse parts-wise
1
My mechanic has just replaced the clutch on my Rover 75 – a bitch of a job as the slave cylinder is in the bellhousing, so the front subframe and gearbox have to be dropped. The slave sprung a leak and I had no clutch pedal pressure. When I had the clutch and slave replaced 6 years ago, the Lee Van Cleef home mechanic installed cheap pattern parts. It lasted 50K miles and 6 years, so I suppose I can’t moan too much.
The mechanic I use now works on Rovers – P5s P6s and 75s. The man knows his stuff and is old school. He is in his 60s – a rare breed now and good to find. As well as the clutch and slave repalcement, he also bled the brakes, adjusted the handbrake a repaired a defective heat shield – all stuff I asked him to do. And he didn’t pull my pants down.
5
I once (late 90’s) had a small oil leak in my Omega V6 auto transmission. Vauxhall wanted £75 (+VAT) just to have a look. I dug up a local independent transmission specialist who charged £25 (+VAT) for the 15 minutes it took them to drain the oil, replace the 5p rubber O-ring which had failed, fill up with fresh oil and steam clean the whole engine. All while I waited with a cup of fresh filter coffee they made for me.
4
My pick of cowboys so far has been Kwik Fit, who told me my suspension needed replacing, the noise they were talking about was the cunt not having shut the hatchback properly. The other was a garage/MOT testing station that passed my wife’s Cavalier SRi despite it having 3 seized brake calipers, I got those bastards closed down.
3
Main dealers are just as much, if not more, cowboys than the back-street guys. Got a Mercedes estate. When I bought it, it had a “service plan”. Honestly, what a fucking rip-off. I serviced at Mercedes as I also had a warranty (that’s another story how the fuckers wriggled out of that). Get the car, but stopped the service plan and warranty. And as for quoting over £400 for front disc and pads – £80 off ebay and a few hours of my time. Took them off and not even 10% worn. I complained to Mercedes about fraud, but they wouldn’t listen. As I am now unemployed, I do as much maintenance and repairs as I can myself. There is a limit as I don’t have a ramp. Anyway, first service I did myself I found so many things that the cunts at Mercedes haven’t even touched – I seriously doubt if they ever even changed the oil. And it wasn’t just one dealer – it had been to three local ones at one time or another.
I wrote to the chief exec at Mercedes and told him what a pile of shit my car was.
4
Main Dealers LC? here’s one for you.
A silly old cunt reversed into my car at a junction so I take my Zafira into the local main Vauxhall dealership for repairs, it is still under the 100k warranty so I didn’t want to give the slippery bastards any reason to worm out of it.
They repair my front passenger side wing and replace the headlamp, replace some plastic bits then touch up the paint job, it cost the old cunts insurance over £1200.
Two weeks later my car has its first MOT at the same dealership. After a while waiting the suit calls me over and tells me that my car has failed, its only a minor fault but its still classed as a failure and they could rectify the fault for £35+vat and retest it immediately. So I asked him what this “minor fault” was, it was the headlamp aim on the passenger side headlamp! I pointed out rather loudly to the robbing cunt that he had better send the bill to their fucking bodyshop because those useless cunts had fitted the headlamp two weeks ago and wasn’t it funny that I had received a copy of the quality control inspection sheet stating that all of the work had be carried out to a high standard!
CUNTS!
3
I am going to chuck in my little bit here, and I agree with 70% of what has been said above.
Now I used to drive things like landrovers and jeeps where they are basically 2 parts, a frame with the working bits bolted too them and a little box on top where you sit.
The MOT regs are very different between them and a tin foil car and as such having read the rules I proceeded to alienate myself from 3 MOT centres quoting book on their attempts to fail vehicles (rust close to suspension component my favourite as the suspension component is not attached to the body and not part of the structure).
Any way having done this I settled for an ex service chap who would do my MOT for me, one day I went up there and his life had dramatically changed.
His wife had left him, taken the kids, was saying all sorts of things to social services to the extent that he was self funding a random drugs alchol test regime for the courts, and he had recently attempted suicide.
All not good, any way on this occasion I chucked in a service on the car as well.
3 weeks later the fucking cam belt went on it, an anti interference engine requires a complete rebuild, it was going to cost thousands, in fact more than the car was worth, I also poked the engine as well and noticed that my sparks were old and there was no fucking oil in the engine! the only thing changed was the air filter.
Now I have not complained to him because he will probably take it badly and he has enough problems without this, but it did piss me off.
I will use him for MOT’s but I doubt I will let him touch the car with a spanner again.
5
I used to be a fan of the TV show “wheeler dealers”,especially the spanner man Ed China who knew absolutely everything about any car inside and out. I just wish we had people like him in the trade who knew what the fuck they were doing!
4
I watched a couple of episodes but that wide boy partner of his irritated me too much. People only paid, or got paid, what they did because they knew they were on TV. Personally, I’d have told the fat cunt to fuck off.
5
Edd China quit Wheeler Dealers after fat boy Mike moved the show to the US of A .
Hopefully Edd will launch his own online show without him…
5
Hey Mr. B –
That’s not strictly true. Brewer is an obnoxious, over bearing wanker, but he’s not the reason production moved to the US and Edd left the show. Edd himself explains what happened and why here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IB15T1LYiY
Following Edd’s decision to leave, Brewer did launch a scathing soshall meejha attack on Edd which was both unnecessary and quite vile, but in keeping with his personality. Edd being the class act he is, didn’t rise to the bait.
5
Brewer is a sheepskin coat, trilby hat wearing, chav fucking wideboy, who’d sell his own grandmother a bag of nails with polish on the bonnet, if he thought it would be ‘a nice earner’
The fat sweaty pie eating cunt should fuck off & suck his own cock (if he can find it, underneath his fucking blubber).
16
C M Repairs in Dartford are honest, competent and reliable.
Proper old school mechanics who will offer you original parts, or generic parts at a fraction of the cost (they always ask first before preparing a quote).
In west London, CCK. they can strip down and rebuild everything from a Testarossa to a 1973 VW Bug and everything in between.
Not particulatly cheap, but they do know their stuff.
For tuning, remaps and performance etc. Sanspeed in Bexleyheath. Always been decent with me and don’t promise what they can’t deliver.
1
I loved Wheeler Dealers too. I know sod all about cars other than what I enjoy driving. I’m not interested in their inner workings or how to repair/replace anything. However, I could sit and watch episode after episode as Edd explains and shows us what he’s doing and why. What a great presenter, personality and expert in his field. Top bloke.
Mike Brewer on the other hand……
I stopped watching after that Ant bloke took over. For me, the show was Edd.
5
Mike Brewer being a cunt about it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78yfDOD0-S0
3
When I first passed my test and being a totally naive young twat I used a ‘friend of the family’ to help me find a car as he was a supposed mechanic. When I found one I was interested in I asked him to have a look at it for me before I bought it which he did and charged me for the cunt. It turned out it was a pile of junk and I later found out other family members had similar stories. Anyway this cunt used to wear the most appallingly obvious syrup you’ll ever likely to see. Believe it or not he had a second shorter haired one that he used to adorn periodically to try to fool people he had had a haircut. What a fucking wanker.
6
If anyone needs their motor to pass an MOT I know someone. As long as the the faults are of the advisory nature it’ll pass for a fair price.
Don’t bring a pile of cunt car with no lights and a missing wheel you cunts, as it won’t pass. You’ll make yourself and more importantly me look like right cunts.
3
I know nuffin abaaaaaht** cars. The real ones that go broom broom.
Matchbox, Corgi, Dinky cars I like, though. Childhood memories.
Have they invented a car the size of a matchbox car, that when water is poured on it, it grows to the size of a big car that you can drive?
It would be good as a car for emergencies.
** ©B&WC
5
There’s a chain of quick oil change places over here in Yankland called Jiffy Lube. These cunts are well known for (ahem) finding additional problems then trying to con you into parting with your hard earned to (ahem) fix them. Wiper blades, battery, tyres, various fluids, the list goes on.
Their favourite one, with me anyway, was the air filter routine. They’d take it out of the car, come find you and show it to you. Claiming its slightly dusty appearance means it’s fucked and needs to be replaced. On one occasion, the filter was a bit dusty (easily fixed with a blast of compressed air) and had a bit of what looked like Christmas tinsel wrapped around it. Seriously. THAT was the thing which they said showed it needed replacing. I politely declined and told them to put the fucking air filter back in the fucking car.
It’s an oil change, FFS! Why are they even looking at anything other than what pertains to changing the oil? Fortunately the car dealership service departments over here have figured out charging $90 for an oil change which the quick lube places would do for $35 was costing them tons of business. They now charge a similar amount and a factory trained tech will look your car over as a matter of course. About bloody time.
3
Doesn’t it you piss you off when trained individuals, or companies, have to be forced to use their expertise at a price that people can actually afford. They’d rather make £1000 profit from one customer, then stand around playing with themselves, than keep busy with 10 customers and make £2000 profit. It doesn’t take too long before they’re making no profit at all because nobody’s stupid enough to go there.
4
I have been ripped off in the past, in my younger years. I might as well have had a green bag over my head saying ‘green, please rip me off’. Now I’m much wiser of course. It helps to do your research before you approach the garage with what you think the problem is so you don’t sound like a complete idiot.
Quite like the Piston Heads website as you can search their forum for decent garages in your area,
3
I try and do as much of my own maintenance and repairs as possible, but this is becoming increasingly difficult with modern engine management systems (a decent diagnostic reader is a f*cking grand!) and the fact they cram so much under the bonnet makes access for big hands “challenging” and can occasionally lead to words that would make a navvy blush.
When I got my first car Years ago (an elderly Ford Escort MK2) I bought a Haynes manual and learned how to do the basics, and cars are much of a muchness in terms of basics – Haynes manuals are a lifesaver!
(Unfortunately the good lady knows I am good with cars so I get beaten into doing the work on hers as well – but she buys me Guinness!👍😀)
3
I am now a cut rate Ed China the amount of tools I’ve got, sadly i lack his knowledge but after this debacle I wont be taken for a twat again, a certain set of halfords/ecp/screwfix in cumbria have had a fortune off me for tools haha
1
Much like myself, i own a vast amount of tools due to my experience with these wankers, shame the only halfords round here that’s open is in Carlisle and it’s click and collect, too far to drive when i need one socket etc
0