Uncle Ben’s Rice

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Local supermarkets have been stripped bare, literally everything gone except the vegetables and.. Uncle Ben’s rice. 52 fucking varieties of rice, that no one wants to buy.

Typically, I’ll buy plain brown rice, of which there’s only ever precisely ten bags on the bottom shelf because evidently, no one else buys them besides myself – let’s be fair, most people in this country can’t handle boiling water and an egg timer simultaneously. But now it’s all gone and all I can get is 52 fucking flavours of rice in individual packets. No, I don’t want bean flavoured rice, or chingchong style rice, or chiggun flavoured rice.

Fucking waste of rice and waste of packaging. I was going to broaden this cunting to include Colgate toothpaste, which too thinks it has the right to occupy half an aisle with its 52 fucking varieties, but gooey shite made from industrial runoff isn’t quite as wasteful it seems.

Ben. You suck. Accept the fact rice is rice and that if you wanted a diverse portfolio you should have chosen a different foodstuff to hawk.

Nominated by The Big Chunky Cunty

85 thoughts on “Uncle Ben’s Rice”

  1. I quite like it. Nuke it for two minutes and add it to a plate with a grilled pork chop on top.

    I probably like it because I’m a lazy cunt who can’t seem to boil rice to perfection without either turning it into a stodgy lump, or leaving it undercooked where a grain will lodge itself in my gums.

    • Aye, #metoo CMC, we can all turn into the french and overreact and shit ourselves or do things the British way and carry on.

      Hoarding cunts don’t buy the shop up and stay home for the week, they go everyday and then throw out food others actually need.

      CUNTS

    • CMC good posting.
      All frighteningly true.
      After this Chinese virus bullshit is done we need to rejig the system somehow and stop these fuckers running our lives.
      I fucking hate state control.
      Cunts one and all.

      • Too true Mc MaC, if nothing else the batflu has shown what power the cunts in power, can exert when they feel like it.

      • Relentlessly negative? No, just the truth. Well-written as usual, Mike / Cunt’s Mate.

  4. I like uncle Ben’s Rice.
    Wholegrain, boils in 10 minutes. Perfect with my chilli.
    Uncle Ben you’re not a cunt.
    All the cunts taking all the pasta you are utter CUNTS.

  5. I dont eat foreign shite,
    Rice is for those who work in paddy fields, or wipe their arse with their hand.
    Occasionally ill relent in the name of diversity and have a chocolate rice krispie cake, but eat it wearing gloves in case Uncle Bens touched it.

    Uncle Toms Rice?

    • “You’ll work better with a gun in your back for a bowl of rice a day”
      Dead Kennedys, also Labour policy.

    • That’s the spirit MNC keep away from Uncle Ben and his rice.Stick to pie chips mushy peas and thick Northern gravy like you Nan used to make 👍👍

    • That’s the spirit MNC keep away from Uncle Ben and his rice.Stick to pie chips mushy peas and thick Northern gravy like your Nan used to make 👍👍

  6. And I use Colgate triple action. Well I need something to neutralize the reek of the 15 cigars I smoke a day.

  8. This makes me wonder about the processed cheese that was issued in Ration packs, it was rank, I do not know anyone who ate it (apart from american’s) and I imagine in years to come when archaeologists explore areas where British troops were deployed they will find tons of the stuff buried in the little rubbish holes we dug (probably still “Edible”).

  9. I can’t boil rice in the pan to save my life. Always ends up too mushy/clumpy, or just sticks to the friggin’ pan!

    So being a lazy cunt sometimes I just prefer those “nuke in the bag” offerings, and not from Uncle Tom either. Always guaranteed a nice fluffy consistency with my home-made chicken korma, without all the faff.

    • Techno, if you ever get your mobile wet or it becomes damp, pop it in some rice. It really works. Asian people, attracted by the rice, will come and fix your phone.

      • Morning Captain. I love pasta so it would be no hardship but, as it happens, we’re eating normally. Went to Asda this morning and, after queueing for an hour on Friday, was in after a 10 minutes wait for it to open. When we came out 30 minutes later there was no queue at all. No flour, oil and not much canned veg/tomatoes/beans but otherwise got most of what we needed, not much that we just wanted.

    • Random one Techno – rinse it out in cold water until the water runs clear, then add a tiny bit of salt to the rice for anything savoury, and a tiny bit of vegetable oil spread for anything sweet – sorted!

  10. I’m hoping when this ‘slanty eyed cunt flu’ has passed, there is a massive rationalisation of food within supermarkets. Growing up in the 70’s there were about 5 flavour of crisps and about 8 flavour of fizzy pop……Now there are isles of crisps and Coke Cola has about 20 fucking flavours alone. We have become a country of glutinous cunts….

  11. I am sending 300 tonnes of cheese and some reduction equipment to The Donald – I’ll make America grate again..

  12. We have rice twice a week.

    Monday: wholegrain brown basmati rice with chicken /prawn vindaloo.
    Thursday: white basmati rice with vegetable vindaloo.

    Buy it in 5kg bags (£7) from the very excellent Asian supermarket opposite where Brighthouse used to be.

    Last I looked Uncle Ben’s was massively overpriced.

    PS: Go fuck yourselves.*

    * © B&WC

    • That’s exactly what I do RTCP, those bags are proper value.
      I cannot believe the price of a little Sainsbury’s basmati pack of rice.
      I like you get the 5kg from the local Asian store, tastes much better also
      Lovely stuff.

      • Don’t forget to keep it sealed or you might find little…erm… guests creeping in.

      • What – the Chinese? “We live here now – why you cause trouble”? 🤦‍♂️

      • Ha ha. No Vern, not Chînks, but weevils. 🐛 The female weevils lay their eggs in the rice kernels. Horrible little BUGgers with nasty heads, all crawling and slithering about in your grub, slurping up your flour or rice.

        And the weevils are even worse. 💂

      • Got a recipe for you Captain,
        Any leftover rice…fry some onions and garlic till soft add plenty of olive oil add plenty of cumin, and chilli flakes a tin of chick peas less the water and add the leftover rice. Fry an egg or two and add coriander at the end. Delicious. A winner.

      • Cheers Uncle, I use garlic and ginger in everything, although I don’t care for tinned food.

  14. Fuck buying that shite, anything thats been sat in a bag for a year and then in a shelf for a year ain’t gonna do your guts any favours.
    Being such a great cook I know how to cook it, I use the absorption method…it’s simple put the rice in di pot (say two cups) and then double the water and boil gently.
    Ps wash some of the starch off before cooking ya lazy raasclaaats otherwise you get rice pudding.
    That’ll impress the Mrs… she’ll probably suck you off after cooking perfect rice.
    The things I do to help aaaaht my fellow cunters in these strange times.
    Go fuck yourselves.

  15. I’m a lazy cunt so I use microwave in the bag basmati rice. Not uncle Ben’s though, it tastes funny…. I agree why the fuck would anyone want flavoured rice!

    • I don’t think rice generally is being very diverse or inclusive enough!

      It’s mostly white rice, with the odd yellow rice, or brown/wholegrain. But you rarely see any black rice!

      Clearly the Labour party & Woke Groups should jump on this particular bandwagon, and denounce white rice for blatant racism amongst the rice community.

      • I never noticed that but yes you’re right… I’m outraged! This injustice must be rectified….
        Just proves what a racist society we live in. There must be something homophobic about rice too…

      • It gets worse DTS – not a single “differently gendered” grain of rice, no tranny rice, no rice identifying as a Wimminz, no disabled rice – I feel it’s the end chaps! 😄

      • Black rice does nothing that other rice can’t do, but at three times the price and with more hassle.

      • There is black rice. It is coloured with squid ink.

        Basically it is white rice wearing blackface.

        Get Lammy on the case immediately!

      • “…But you rarely see any black rice!”

        Easily rectified with a marker pen, a can of touch up paint, Kiwi boot polish, ‘owt y’ can find in the garage really… just colour in 15% of each serving and you have a fully PC compliant meal…yumsk!

  16. I can’t agree with any of this nom at all I’m afraid.
    It’s just too ricist.

  17. Its shit flavored rice and its overpriced as fucking hell. Don’t be a dumb dumb buy a big bag of basmati, jasmine or brown rice. It will last you all year round

  18. Initially a Mother of seven Cuntflap – four of them starved because of her insistence on throwing all the bread to helicopters! 😄

  19. Egg noodles all the way for me I’m afraid….with a curry I prefer a naan bread.

    Rice is….mehhhhhhhhh

    • I thought she had coronavirus…. maybe she was just lying to get attention. These twats do love to be a victim…

    • Why do they have Charlie Williams on the packet anyway?
      Dont want this shite on your plate anyway, or that pasta shite,
      Get some chips on there.
      Rice is communist.
      If your a gaylord and worry that chips are fattening or your mental an worry about calories try mash!
      Or boiled potatoes for puritan types.
      Onion rings, hash browns, birdseye potato waffles, loads of wholesome healthy alternatives!

  21. This kind of shite is exactly what’s wrong with society these days…’I’m too busy to cook proper food so I buy it ready made in some package that has a two year shelf life’.
    I’m hope after this Kung Flu pandemic fucks off people get back to basics and realise that they have time to do the basics and eat properly.
    Help the NHS…eat properly and don’t be a cunt.
    Go fuck yourselves.

  23. Buy a small 341 mg pack of uncle ben shit instant rice for 1.99 or get a big 1.6 kg bag of a nice basmati for 10-15$ that will last all year round if you ration it smartly?! Its a fucking no brainer why this shite was still on the shelves

    • It’s for lazy cunts who think putting some baked beans in the microwave is cooking.

      • There’s only one of these Uncle Ben rice things that I can eat and that’s wholegrain mediterranean vegetable. A packet of that with Princes mild chicken curry on top, I don’t usually eat foreign muck but I can stand this about once every three months.

  24. Spot on CF – Mate of mine’s missus opened a tin of garden peas, drained out the water then put them in a pan of water, to boil…

    Told her she’s supposed to put them under the grill and turn 3 or 4 times during cooking…

  25. I like the real thing, rather than the microwaveable sludge. If you want decent microwaveable rice try Veetee.

  26. Uncle Ben’s rice is owned by the same company that make mars bars and dolmio sauce, and pedigree chum.

    I don’t mind those little packets of microwave rice as it’s quick and easy when I need to eat but can’t be bothered. Also it is measured out. If I cook from the big bag of boil it yourself rice, I tend to use too much as I am a hungry fellow.
    I tend to buy shops own make as it’s a bit cheaper (probably made in the same factory as well?)

    Rice is nice. I like rice pudding as well with jam.

    I tried making risotto once but I bullocksed it up.
    Any tips from fellow members of this excellent website would be greatly appreciated. 🙂

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