The Stock Market

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A short, but solid cunting for the financial wizards without whom everyone would probably have more fulfilled and purposeful lives. This is provoked by the news that global stocks and shares have started heading south in a fairly big way, in anticipation of the CD19 epidemic, coming soon to a tourist near you.

It seems that the big and important global organisations, specialising in the acquisition of money by virtue of having lots of money to gamble with, are selling their shares because they fear the negative economic consequences of coronavirus. Thus, and as night follows day, instantly creating those same negative economic consequences.

Still, there’s an opportunity to get in on the bottom of the market, howl for State aid (funny how aid in global crises comes from national taxpayers, not from anything global, innit?) and be at the top of the next Ponzi pyramid.

Shorting pharmaceuticals, buying whoopee cushions….see ya, suckers!

Nominated by Komodo

101 thoughts on “The Stock Market”

  1. The Stock Market seems to be peopled by a load of old wimmin of both sexes who thrive on greed and fear. They really are a load of old drama queens who like to make themselves sound important by using quasi-political langauge like “across the piece” whatever the fuck that means, and “we are where we are” surely most asinine phrase ever. They also like to pluralise “harm” and “behaviour”

    In short tyey are a bunch of self important arsewipes

  2. Sell! No, buy!
    Shares in bogroll an hand sanitizer at a premium
    Topping out soon
    Sell your shares now in Greggs, vegan sausage rolls wont stay popular!
    I should of been one of those shouty city types in London, playing with millionaires money.
    Bankrupt the fuckers.

  3. Cunts are panic selling stocks and shares to panic buy useless hand sanitisers and toilet rolls.

    • Good. Stupidity and cowardice.
      Hope they catch Corbyn 19 the fuckin bottle merchants.
      Morning Rtc.

      • They’re too busy holed-up in their vacuum sealed panic rooms flogging fake gel and Happy Shopper bog rolls on eBay and Amazon at a million% profit to worry about Corbyn-19.

        Personally I’m in full Howard Hughes mode – he was no mug when it came to bugs!.

        Meanwhile Markle and Hewitt are “so happy” to be back serving the Queen, so everything’s right with the world then…

        Morning Miserable.

      • Just been in aldi for some bits for my work bag tomorrow, and a chicken for todays lunch, heaving with panic buyers!!
        No bog roll or handwash,
        Buying up teabags?
        One big sneeze an bet it would of emptied the store!
        What a bunch of mardarses.
        If i get it im not washing my hands or wiping my arse and heading straight for a mosque.

      • I bought tea bags yesterday, Earl Grey, not the common muck 😁
        Tesco finest of course!

      • I spent too much time in the South RTCp, took years to blend in down there so it’s difficult to go back to my roots, however although I live in Yorkshire I am Lancashire born and bred so I guess I should be on Tetley 👌 Grand cup of tea.

      • Only teasing you Mr Sick.

        I live in the south and Yorkshire tea appears to dominate on our supermarket shelves.

        My next door neighbour wouldn’t drink anything else – southerners don’t come more southern than him!

        Btw, I only drink coffee. Black. No sugar. Except when I go next door and then it’s Yorkshire tea all the way!

      • I remember when I was a child/teenager I drank nothing but tea, traditional way milk and sugar, I didn’t discover coffee until I was in my late 20’s.
        Now coffee is the drink of the day, but every morning with breakfast it’s Earl Grey (no milk)

        Strange how tastes change over the years, I used to fancy older women when I was a teenager, now……. 😂

      • Panic is good if you’re waiting to invest. Create a bear market, then join in 😃

    • Virus snobbery sixdog?
      😁
      Bet its a thing in Islington!
      “Me & Marcus caught coronavirus, but one of the children caught a common cold off a Northerner!

      • I don’t want no Johnny Foreigner bugs in Blighty. Islington needs a dose of reality the cunts.

  6. Ah, the captains of industry……the entrepreneurs…….the risk takers. As soon as it looks like they might lose five bob they shit themselves and panic. But don’t worry government (ie you and me) will bail them out, that’s what they finance political parties for. Money goes to money, always has always will.

  7. We’re due another stock market “correction” as its been just over 12 years since the last meltdown.

    Clearly the Gordon Gheko types are getting worried, so its a case of sell sell sell. And if still looks bad for these global corporations just ask the respective national governments to do what they did in 2008 and cover their losses with massive loans with almost zero interest rates, while also rewarding themselves big bonuses for being complete and utter clueless fuckwits,

  8. Hard cold cash, money makes the world go around…..

    I wonder if the market ‘panic’ would have been so severe if the Covid 19 had occurred in central Africa, probably not…..

    Fucking no nothing cunts still commenting all over the MSM but if the numbers are correct China is getting the outbreak under control.
    Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible!

    The next crisis will be supermarket shelves full of bog rolls and no one buying them! Andrex shares fall by 30% 😂

  9. Cant put links on but google women fighting over bogroll in Sydney, one of the funniest fights ive seen!
    Grossly obese black woman getting tag teamed.
    Wish kent Walton was narrating it.

    • That was amazing that….Black wimminz from the plains of the Serengeti fighting over paper arsewipes! Whatever happened to not wiping yer arse, and judumping alongside the buffalo crap

      • Wait until Abbott, Phillips and Butler start fighting over bog rolls – a sight to see (or not, depending on how screamish you are!)

        As for the video- expect claims of racism from some lefty cunt or other.

    • Is that what the so-called “civilised” Western World has come to? Fighting over bog roll ffs!

      Pity governments don’t reintroduce rationing! Imagine that – ration books for basic essentials. The snowflakes would be in apoplexy, madly searching through YouTube on tips how to wipe one’s arse without bog roll!

    • That was fucking hillarious, three land whales fighting with less decorum than rabid babboons. I thought people that fat couldn’t wipe their arse or fit into a lav, more suited to a cattle grid with a large drain and high pressure hose array.

    • I had no problem in Tesco, coughing and sneezing in the bog roll isle no one came near me.
      I managed to buy 5 years supply, just hope I live long enough to use them 😂

    • I’ve been so disappointed by the British people’s response to this outbreak of fuck all. When you know how we carried on during the blitz, when large parts of cities all over the U.K. were wiped off the map, a situation that is incomprehensible to most cunts today, compared to 200 cunts getting a sniffle, it’s fucking pathetic. Thankfully, there are still plenty of people who don’t give a fuck, as apparently Britain is the country that is least concerned about chinky flu. I’m more concerned about the fucking morons panic buying than the virus. Stupid greedy selfish cunts.

  10. Timely cunting Komodo! The fuckers always win when THEY can cause the environment to produce the outcomes THEY want, and Capitalise big time. Covid 19….Manufactured by cunts, released by cunts and spread by cunts…..Kerrrrchinnnnng !

  11. What economists don’t tend to tell us, is that recessions always benefit the rich. In a recession when people can’t make payments on assets the rich call in their loans and take possession of assets. Assets that have usually had the capital repaid and all that’s left is interest payments.

    The cunts sell the same assets again, wash and repeat.

  12. Completely off topic,
    Watching news about coronavirus and Italy,
    Showed a coffeeshop an said people still traditionally lazing about and loitering taking a hour to drink a fuckin cup of coffee, lazy euro cunts,
    And on the screen a bloke walked in the coffee shop in a long black cape! Like Dracula!
    An nobody gave him so much as a curious look!😳😢😳😳

  13. I am,of course,an avid follower of “the Markets”. I have one of those ticker-tape machines that I look at to help me decide my next shrewd move ( Tip for all you Cunters….got an old school chum, a stockbroker, who tells me that The Muslim Whole Roast Hog Barbeque Company is a sure-fire winner). I then pick up my candlestick-style telephone and bellow “Buy,buy,buy” or “Sell.sell ,sell” down it.
    Wonder if my typically astute investment in The South Sea Company will pay off soon?

    • Sound financial advice.
      But what about my italian coffeeshop vampire?
      He swanned about here like that hed need a blood transfusion alright.

      • I often wear a cape and top hat while out in town…some of us still retain sartorial elegance, MNC…were you in your Sunday-Best traccky-bottoms. “Relax” t-shirt,clogs and cloth-cap?

      • …and braces,of course. Do you twang them and say “eeh up Lad”?

      • I can safely say ive never worn ‘tracky bottoms” in my life!
        Or a relax t shirt!
        Have got a clothe cap though, well, corduroy.
        Got a bowler hat Dick!
        Mo joke, never wore it though look like a bond villains henchman.

      • Where did you get this bowler hat,MNC? Did you mug Oliver Hardy?

      • I do house clearances Dick, got some great stuff!
        Sterling silver fob watch
        2 xl stone troughs
        2 small stone troughs
        Numerous fossils
        A mill stone (small)
        A wolfs skull
        Countless tools
        All sorts of stuff.
        My dad found a old box with 2 pistols inside (duelling pistols?) On a job for that disgraced politician, was it Clewes or something?
        But he handed them back.

      • Nothing wrong with Tracksuit bottoms on a Sunday. I like the Adidas ones…black with white stripes either side top to bottom. Of course my athletic body only enhances them, coming from a working class background I suppose it’s hard to shake off some of the more common traits I have from when younger. However I am now far too wealthy, successful and good looking to not embrace some of the working class traits.
        What a great man I am.

      • In the spirit of mutual “cultural-appropriation” I shall don a grass-skirt,lip-plate and bone through my nose next Sunday morning,B+WC.

      • Good to hear Mr Fiddler old chap, next Sunday I am being a white man, down the pub, pipe and flat cap, and dancing out of time to anything rythmic. 😁

      • That old whitey Vanilla Ice is so 90s Mr Fiddler. Although he had a few decent moves he seems repeat throughout the whole video, they were no doubt stolen from the dark key.
        Elvis stole from the dark key as well, although I do rate Eminem as a rapper…very talented lyrically and in the top 5 rappers of all time.
        Perhaps some Eminem music would go down well at the next Fiddler high society bash?

    • Indeed he is a complete cunt.
      I feel a little sorry for those who followed him down the drain as it was obvious the fund was a dog from the outset.
      The cult of personality held sway with shitty results for all involved.
      Fuck him.

      • No doubt this twat will still be laughing all the way to the bank.
        Triple cunt with an Ebola topping.

  16. I have been following the trends in the market and decided to go for some shares in the Nigerian lottery company… apparently there are no shortage of British Investors and said company are now the first to come up with a vaccine for Coronavirus.
    I know some of you may not believe this but I have an email from ‘Walter Daniels’ to prove it.
    I am sure you will all be desperate to invest so send me some money and I’ll make us all super rich.

  17. I’ve been part of an investment club for many years, meeting up in the pub to decide what stocks to buy.
    Friday was a terrible day. Andrex touched a new bottom and loads of us were wiped clean.

    • Tell me,Bertie…..when you were a teacher,did you inflict this standard of joke on your unfortunate charges? Did you have a nickname?….I’m guessing it wasn’t “The Wizard of Wit”

      • 😂 Afternoon Dick. The kids were probably a bit young to understand my subtle wit but the staff used to lock me away in a stockroom!

  18. Apparently share’s in toilet paper companies have rocketed since the poor and thick started panic buying.
    I now predict a massive increase in blokes tonguing their Mrs arseholes.
    I bet there are many dirty bastard’s who welcome the opportunity due to the toilet paper drought.
    Ya dirty bastard’s.

  19. Talking abaaaaaht stock markets…I have started a new company it’s called the ‘The Dark Key 100’ currently only available on the dark web.
    Buy stock in guns, cocaine, my mates Dave’s new grime label, and that new fried chicken shop in London.
    Roll up roll up…buy your shares now.

      • Thank you for showing some interest RTCP,
        Year one net profit of £90,000
        Year two net profit of £2,000000
        Year three net profit of £7,000,000,000.
        After that the company will sold to me for a paaaahnd. 😁

      • Impressive. Well worth a punt, imho.

        Will get my attorney on it right away!

  20. Don’t know about you lot, but Jeeves and I are off for a weekend sojourn in Iceland, after a very successful bit of business in the stock market (i.e., high-yield dividend stocks in a multinational, “supermajor” oil & gas company). In these uncertain times, with the coronavirus pandemic, dividend stocks are definitely the way forward (being a man who moves in high circles, I know a few analysts in investment firms 😉 ). Good little earner and a steady stream of income. It also helps that I have contacts in the travel industry, so I normally get to take advantage of corporate rates in all aspects of travel — air, rail, car hire & accomodation. Win win for this very funny Funboy.

    Most of the individuals who work in the finance industry aren’t normally the brightest but they do talk a good show. They are also a bit light in the timberlands and float like fairies. Pooftah cunts!

    • Travels my thing Funboy.
      And while im a notorious racist, a self admitted ‘little Englander’ and distrustful of all things foreign i do believe travel broadens the mind, look at David Beckham, been all over the world!
      This week i went to Kimnel bay and already feel more worldly.

      • Well, we live in a great country which often imposed its superior culture of husbandry and tillage (Britain was big and keen on agriculture and the division of land and the order of land) on other countries, so we’ve been spoilt in terms of standard of living. So it’s no wonder you’re sceptical of other nations.

        Beckham? Nothing against him. Nice enough fella. Was a great footballer and has done well for himself. Was a bit dim and insipid in the beginning, but appears to have outgrown this and now comes across as fairly articulate and interesting.

        Never been to Wales. It’s on the bucket list. Some lovely areas down there.

      • First time I’ve ever seen Beckham described as “articulate and interesting”.

        You’re havin’ a giraffe, ain’t ya Funboy?

        Good afternoon.

      • Rtc i feel sorry for Funboy.
        Hes new on here, an as a welcome he got called a Gaylord off Bertie an a undercover copper off Bwc.
        What can we accuse him of?😜

      • I am undercover and I do occasionally take it up the chutney. Was seeing a guy called big Ken (appropriate name, as he did look akin to a doll, especially after a spray tan). Watch yer step, miserable. You could be done for a charge under the ‘Breach Of The Telecommunications Act’ . Just sayin’.

      • Bit free an easy with the word ‘great’ arent you Quentin?
        😜

      • Well, his oracy has certainly improved, RTC (I suppose it had to). Maybe interesting was the wrong word. Decent enough lad, imo. I quite like ‘im as a person.

      • Wales is nice Funboy, go as far as beautiful,
        If had the choice of Bermuda, or Barbados or Llandudno?
        Well see you in Llandudno.
        Did you mean Iceland the country or the frozen food shop?
        Heard both are nice.

  21. Have any of these fuckers paid back the billions they stole and gambled with in 2008? Have they fuck. Corrupt to the core. Thanks once again to Tony and the Labour Party for deregulating the Stock Exchange is that the greedy pricks could do what they wanted too. The total ineptness and stupidity of the Labour Party has no bounds.

  22. The stawk market is the ooze issuing from the cadaver, and they’re running out of cola and mentos.

  23. When you have a plummeting stock market due lack of supply rather than a lack of demand(2008) you don’t really have a problem. Yet.

  24. After my latest eyeball tattooing I mistakenly invested in the stork market – I have have three hundred long legged and noisy avians and half a ton of 1950’s style margarine!
    Stocks and share are currently being dumped to provide liquidity for the sellers, these shares and stocks will be hoovered up by investors who will hang on to them for 6-9 Months when the value will have gone back up by around 20% at which point they spend the next three Months moving them on.
    A minimum one fifth profit, money for old rope.
    We need to be in on this wheeze so I suggest the “ISAC Investment and Wills Equity Offshore Fund” – I will be in charge of the shifty greedy investment side (used to be a broker so by definition I am a slippery sort!) and MNC can be in charge of reading and “correcting” ISAC’ers wills.
    Three Years time – private jet and island in the Bahamas for all ISAC’ers!
    As B&WC would say – laaaarvly!

    • I bought some Stork in the Coop yesterday VF, only because it was reduced to 26p or something.
      I am a brilliant cook but a shit baker and I want to learn more abaaaht baking.
      My mate has some hash he doesn’t want so I’m gonna bake a big batch of Brownies.
      Eat one or two on a Sunday…get Netflix on.

      • Bwc, im a good cook too an bake a bit, its harder than i thought,( can’t do bread) can buy ready made gingercake mix crumble the hash into that, add a tot of rum if feeling a bit Ainsley Harriott.

      • Baking is a bit of a science and art MNC, probably a good thing I can’t bake as I’d probably be 6 stone heavier. Apparently Brownies are easy…I heard you can put beetroot in them as well to be healthier.
        I do that next week.

      • Had chocolate cake with beetroot in it Bwc, i was surprised!
        Goes really well.

      • Get cooking B&WC – it’s great! I moved out of the family home at seventeen but had been cooking for Years before that, nothing hard about it – like Frank Skinner said, it’s turning raw things into food using heat!
        And the good lady seems to like my salmon teriyaki, she appreciates a good meal as I only normally give her gruel, and very little of it working on the principle that weakness through hunger will make her a little less feisty and vicious! 😀

      • I love cooking VF and my specialities are British, Jamaican and Italian dishes, however its baking that Iv’e never bothered learning. I could have been a great chef…wouldv’e had the ladies watching my cooking show getting all wet and moist.
        Maybe in my next life.

      • Love cooking lads, my special is cheddar mash and chicken casserole,
        Hot pot, an do a good apple pie.
        But struggle to make bread!
        Buggs the shit out of me i cant do it😣

      • Make sure the yeast is dissolved in warm water. Knead the the dough really well. Then cover it in muslin (not a Muslim) then let it rise in a warm atmosphere. Then put it in tins & slam it into a hot oven. That’s how my mother did it.

      • I can see it now! – “B&WC’s exotic cooking programme”
        “And where do you laaaarvly ladyees come from” 😄
        Baking is harder than cooking, and I agree with MNC about the foul stodgy grey filth of beelzebub that emanates from bread machines!
        Dreadful devices.

  25. One thing is for sure about the coronavirus is that the rich cunts won’t lose any money

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