People With No Table Manners

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I recently watched a family eating a bar meal and was fucking outraged.

There they sat, the Common-Pleb family in all their glory. They’d obviously gone to a lot of trouble in order to dress for dinner…Dad had his finest market stall joggers and Hawaiian shirt, Mum, some truly hideous lurid pink “leisure suit” straining at the stitches over her bloated form, child dressed identically to the Mother ( and even appeared to have an identical number of blubber rolls…well,I suppose imitation is the sincerest form of flattery).

After ordering their burgers and chips, (“No Salad….we don’t eat that muck”) they sat and played with their phones until their food arrived. No need for cutlery..in their snouts went, elbows on the table, chewing with their mouths open, wiping their greasy mouths with sleeves and the back of hands, slurping their drinks, stuffing their mouths ( I did laugh when the child burned it’s mouth on the hot cheese in the middle of the burger).

Now, I’m no snob, but really. Fair enough if they chose to eat like animals in their own appalling home, sat on the sofa in front of the telly no doubt, but you’d think that in public they’d make some kind of effort.

P.S. I bet if they ever did use a knife while dining, they would hold it like a pen. I’ve noticed that is a sure sign of ill-breeding. If I noticed a guest at one of my exclusive dinner parties holding a knife like a pen, I would order them to leave immediately. It would be the kindest thing for them. That type would obviously feel more at home dining at “Maccy D’s” than at my silver service, haute cuisine table.

Fuck Off.

Nominated by Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler

103 thoughts on “People With No Table Manners”

  1. This would be the only time these cunts sit at a table. Probably the only time they would be faced with plates and cutlery.
    Reminds me of a great line from the much underrated Early Doors.
    ‘ A dinner party? Have you got enough trays?

  2. A fine cunting Mr Fiddler.
    I cannot understand or stand people with no manners and class.
    There is no excuse, I don’t care if you born into a poor working class family or were not taught…learn and practice and try to better yourself.
    The older I get the more I despise the people trash I see abaaaht the place.
    I’ll never forget this cunt I knew years ago…was into his drugs and that but the cunt was eating Sunday dinner once with a lit cigarette in the ashtray…the dirty cunt would scoff a mouthful of food and have a smoke after…and eat and then smoke again. I guess the peasant liked the flavour of B&H with his roast chicken.
    People with no table manners are trash and trash needs throwing away or better still destroying.
    Dirty cunts.

  3. I think Admin are trying to get through all the noms before the end of the financial year. Either that or whilst there’s still people around to read them!

    AGAIN NOT MY FORTE I JUST SIT AND WATCH, BUT THE LIBRARY IS BULGING

      • Always eaten at the table and always will. It’s the only time I get to read the newspaper. People who don’t are cunts. I hear of people who only use the dining room and dining table at Christmas….. fucking slobs. If there are that many unused dining tables out there then let me know and I will gladly use them….. to cut my winter fuel bill.

      • The slitty-eyes EAT tables…when they run out of other bizarre four-legged things.

      • A table is about the only thing with legs the Chinese don’t eat – and we suffer the consequences of their filthy habits.
        Shifty types – probably hiding behind the French to steal our fish!😄

    • It’s staggering how many people are incapable of holding a knife and fork correctly .

      • You see that on things like Great British Menu and Masterchef. Unfucking believable.

  5. The hounds are a bit quiet at the moment, Cuntflap. I had to get Mick,my main hound, destroyed a few days ago and the others are a bit lost without him.
    Never again will we have the pleasure of driving up behind a cyclist/ rambler,lowering Mick’s window (he always rode up front with me) and hear him roar his disdain and disapproval at them and their activities….I swear he used to hold fire until alongside them,lean right out to about 2 inches from their ears and then,and only then,give them the full salvo.

    • Oh, we’re still doing that…it’s what Mick would have wanted.

    • Did you train him to act like that or was it entirely his own idea? They say that owners get like their dogs but it would appear that the reverse is also true.

      • I didn’t really need to encourage him,GG, he was a rescue dog who genuinely shared my contempt and dislike for most of Mankind.
        The only thing we disagreed on was his tolerance for children…they used to open the pickup door when we were parked outside the Pub. and get him out to play with them in the beer-garden. If an adult had even gone anywhere near the pickup,never mind open the door, he would have gone fucking ballistic.

      • They all have their own foibles and characteristics. My setter use to love kids (we have never had any) and would go into decline when friends with children left , whereas my dachshund would just sit there and smile.

        Dick I am really sorry to hear about Mick he sounds as though he was a great dog. My thoughts are with you.

  6. Uncouth scumfucks at the dinner table. Outstanding choice of nomination, DF.

    I’ve never understood how certain cunts can be so oblivious to how fucking grotesque they appear when eating in public like savages. Worse still are the arch-cunts who take to eating on public transport AND display all the grace and elan of two pigs fucking.

    Last year I remember a choice shitcunt, all blue hair dye and rainbow-coloured trousers, whip out a predictably soy-infused quinoa/bean pack and eat it on the tube like an over-enthusiastic Japanese AV newcomer keen to impress on his first cunnilingus scene. It was so fucking repulsive – the sound, the stench and the visual torment – that I legit got off at the next stop… an almightily busy station whilst carrying a load of luggage, with no option to carriage hop. The escape was worth the inconvenience one thousand times over.

    As implied by the nom however. bad table manners aren’t restricted to scum class dining out at some peaceful kebab outlet – I’ve seen cunts of all creeds in all manner of establishment just as devoid of any basic fucking etiquette…. still, our impending cultural enrichment will of course restore some savoir-faire to our dining conventions…

  7. Fucking noisy eaters and the ones that eat with their mouth open piss me off.
    You can eat with your hands, a spoon, sticks if you want, but I do not want to see food rotating in your mouth like a bovine nor do I need the sound effects of a pig.
    That pisses me off.

  8. *sigh*

    Ok admin, I’ll bite, why was my post not approved this time?

    again fuck knows, you join admin and well it is very hush hush, there are people who do things, we are front office then there is archive (that is the ones you need to speak too so next nom mention them) then there is Legal, It and of course the BOSS.

    • Good nom Dick!👍
      Completely disagree with it but good.
      Its your own fault for slumming it.
      Should go somewhere nice if wanting fine dining, table manners, people dressed to dine etc.
      Sounds more my kind of place, i dont give a flying fuck what others are doing, or manners for that matter, once that meats infront of me i attack like a wolf on a lamb, suck the bones, an belch.
      Job done.☺

  10. My less than favourite people, the Chinese, are fully fucking repellent when they eat.

    A great shovel full of the slop goes in, followed by mouth open chewing, lip smacking and other various noises.

    Delicate and well mannered it certainly isn’t.

    • Hell, yeah. Fucking vile, they are. Where I work is infested with Chinese students…surprised they don’t get a separate soundproof room with a trough. But their social manners (when they’re not fully immersed in their scran) are generally the best, it has, reluctantly, to be said.

  11. Sit up straight. Get your elbows off the table. Eat with a knife and fork you orrible cunt

    “all joints on the table will be carved!”

  12. Table manners are open to interpretation.
    Drink from the gravy boat,
    Use your hands its faster,
    Wring out grease/blood/ crumbs from yer beard,
    But bar the basics?
    Do what thou wilt.

      • Agree about the burger,but I genuinely wouldn’t shovel chips into my maw using my fingers…fair enough if you’re eating a takeaway,but not when sat in at a table.

      • One uses a knife and fork for almost every food, including burgers (if they’re organic, wouldn’t eat the common ones), also peaches, apples, etc., which are cut on the plate, not handled.
        I avoid oik behaviour by only dining out in decent restaurants, but even in these sometimes observe inappropriate table manners.
        This has been a “tongue in cheek” message…

  14. If there is one thing that makes me want to throw up it’s the behaviour described by Dick, absolutely disgusting.

    Cunts!

  15. I’m with you on this one Dick. I live in Derby so as you can imagine even the nicer restaurants are overrun with people who look like the hillbillies off of Deliverance have been dragged through JD Sports

    • I live near swadlincote. These fucking animals are rife. Fat retarded bastards with trainers and tracksuit bottoms. Scratching their bits whilst waiting for their trough to be filled. Fucking cannon fodder. They need to be exterminated.

  16. I´m not sure if this was an example of bad eating manners but I remember in Holland once seeing a girl hold up a herring by the tail and swallow it like a cormorant. Yuk! She was quite good looking but made things worse by then rolling up a filthy cigarette like a down and out – think Jermy Corbyn – spilling tobacco everywhere and taking ages to get it lit as she had sucked on it and made it soggy.

    • I remember watching in awe as a woman attempted to eat a plate of King Prawns without peeling them….she eventually called the waiter over to complain that they were too “crunchy”

    • The only sensible way of eating a grilled sardine is to hold it up by the tail and suck the meat off the bone. This can be done with some finesse, but the cormorant technique with a fullsize herring is probably worth filming. Thank you for the mental image.

  17. Top cunting. I share your hatred of those who hold a knife like a pen: a sure sign of a cunt with no class.

    As with most of the ills of this world, it’s all down to lack of proper parenting. Another good reason to restrict child benefit to one kid in order to stop the idle and feckless from breeding too much. Maybe make receipt of child benefit dependent on having completed a parenting course (syllabus to be decided by ISAC contributors!).

  18. I used to do a lot of work for a mick builder, big fella, lovely bloke. When he joined us for brekkers he’d sit with his back straight, elbows in and hold his knife and fork with poise, food would be prudently amassed and dispatched with great care. The rest of us went at it like we were on the Serengeti but the weird thing was he’d always finish first. To this day I haven’t a clue how and it wasn’t the portions.

  19. A cunting on the side for our transatlantic cousins who cut up everything on the plate first (often using the ‘pen’ grip for the knife) so that the lazy cunts can complete the eating process with the fork only. Though granted, this does maximise the time the knife hand is free for the beer.

  20. Rather perturbed Dick to hear you’re frequenting such an obviously appalling abode but yes it is one of my bugbears. Simian types chowing down like something at a chimps tea party. Slurping,chewing with mouth open, talking while masticating their grub.
    It’s so satisfying smirking and sneering at them subtly but just enough so as they know. Look them up and down,curl your lip and turn away in disgust.
    Live stock at the farm are so much more appealing.
    Trash.

    • Mac, i use a straw to get all the gravy!
      But i always lick my plate clean to save on washing up.👍

      • Or that too Bertie.
        Do like Hovis!
        Best of British.
        Working near mcvities yesterday, the smell of baking biscuits was what heaven must smell like.

      • I worked for Mc Vities for about 6 months when I was 18. The only perk was bags of cheap broken biscuits! Fuckin’ cunts.

      • Used to sell them at school, big boxes with ‘not for resale on’
        Melted penguins and ‘united’ biscuits.
        Dont see that anymore do you?
        Bags of broken biscuits for sale?
        Prefer em broken!👍

      • You were born in the wrong millennia Miserable! Chucking bones over your shoulder with your horn of ale, Viking style.

      • Your right LL, born in the wrong time.
        Nothing better than ripping apart a chicken or rack of ribs with your fingers and getting stuck in!
        Get that feral sometimes i black out!😁

      • Danish, not viking. Viking was a term for those danes who went around on ships raping and pillaging ships and seaside villages. My question, how does one hold a knife like a pen?

      • Not just Danes Diablo,
        Norway, sweden, Scandinavia all went a ‘viking’ as you say raiding
        But also trading, including the ‘Russ’people.
        Where Russia gets its name from.

      • Hehe, not really Dick, not fat like obelix an massive beard more like that druid ‘Getafix’?☺
        I know you play (played?)
        Rugby an know you can sing, and a Geordie,
        So imagine you as a rural Jimmy Nail!😁
        An for some reason Vernon Fox as Robert Shaw?!

      • Hehee!
        Rtc has long hair i imagine him looking a bit like Neil young,
        Freddie? Bob Hoskins.
        But cant think of Jack as anything but Ollie Reed.
        Suits him doesnt it?

      • Ha! Not even close!

        Looks an awful lot like you though Dick… 😀

        For the record: I have long unkempt shoulder length hair, plus anything up to 6 days stubble. NO beard!

        I also happen to be incredibly dishy.

      • PS: Hair not long through personal preference, just can’t be arsed to go to the barbers. Last cut 4 years ago. You could say I have a barber phobia….

        Lady Creampuff refuses to touch it.

      • MNC please do try.
        I suggest you consult the good dining etiquette Manuel circa 1938. It may not be in circulation any longer but I’m sure you’ll find something suitable online.

      • Naw, id find it constraining, spoil my meals, i like to feel the juices drip from my beard, the gravy in my eyebrows,
        The call of the wild!

  21. Years ago I used to work in a John Lewis warehouse.
    In the canteen every lunchtime, the head electrician would get his food, sit down and put out his main course and then scrape the dessert on top and proceed to eat it.
    I think it was a time management thing. Only half hour for lunch

  22. I shared a breakfast table with a chinese and korean couple when I lived in student accomodation, never a-fucking-gain, the noise was incredible – yet all they were eating was tea and soft boiled eggs.

    The next morning I had my fucking Sennhaisers on…

    Fucking noisy masticating bastards…

  23. Sorry to go off topic, but this doesn’t make national news anymore, it has become ‘normalised’

    Another 4 peacefuls from Sheffield jailed for the usual shit!

    Cunts!

    • Four of many many thousands – we need Unkle Terrys oven for these sort!
      Good nom DF – we are not beasts!
      And of course my ship the Black Pig has a fully furnished galley and dining room, standards must be maintained and I like a certain social standard maintained when I invade and cause slaughter and mayhem!

      • We will need some bone china if Sir Fiddler is joining us!
        (Standards must be maintained, it’s what sets us apart from Johnny Foreigner!)

      • He can drink rainwater thats puddled on the deck like me or carve a cup from walrus tusk,
        But any bone china comes out of your share of plunder!
        Give him bone china? he’ll want faberge eggs next!!

  24. Some fucking good posts on this subject! We have become a nation of finger food eaters…… Now THERE lies a problem !

  25. This is one of my pet hates. My old feller used to sicken me and my sister when we were forced to eat at the same time as him. He was oblivious to the disgusting spectacle he created, and ever since I’ve been put off by people who make dirty noises when eating and slurping noises when drinking. There are some who’d make a pig blush. Filthy bastards.

  26. The problem is they have never been taught any manners or table manners; also they do not give a flying fuck about anything unless the anything impacts on their cuntish existence. Rot the fucking lot of them.

    • Watch out for that “finger food” – I tried some and now my fingers are bleeding and partially denuded!
      Bad form.

  27. Nowhere near as bad as the dude I saw in a pub eating chicken drumstics and chips. Fine, you say? Posh-acting twat eating drumsticks with a knife and fork. Muppet!

    • Be from London.
      La di da.
      Just pick it up, eat the fuckin thing.
      Get back to work.
      Work sets you free.

      • Our eyes met across the room, one of my eyebrows lifted…then I promptly picked up MY drumstick and chewed on the fucker. I looked at him as if to say ‘THIS is how you eat a drumstick at home, dont act like a ponce’

  28. when I was fighting abroad (war) I used to cook, I was working in a place and another Brit was there and we had a meal ( posh sit down job table and all) well halfway through the starter (soup) he puked in his soup bowl, when the others had cleared their course I changed plates and we went on to the main, then pudding and a bit of rakija to finish off.
    The locals were stunned that we could carry on the “party” and commented that maybe the soup was to salty for him, poor fuck had disentry ,but he made it through the meal .
    now that is carry on be British at its best

    • Don’t like it? Probably not the site for you. Cunts corner is thataway….

    • To be honest,Pie Cunt, I couldn’t give a tuppenny Fuck whether you approve or you don’t.

      Fuck Off.

    • Noms don’t have to be funny PC, they just have to make the grade here. If it’s a slanging match you’re after where noms go off topic after 3 replies you know where to go fella.

  30. I imagine if someone holds their knife like a pen when eating, they probably hold their pen like a knife when writing.

    P.s. when I’m at home I eat how I want. When I’m out in public I eat how I want but using cutlery and no elbows on the table.

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