A preemptive cunting for the Corona virus do gooders. Not the hoards of people who will do good deeds in the background. No, this cunting is for the Millennial cunts who will see this episode as a chance to get their stupid faces on TV and social meedyah. So, prepare for earnest young men with beards and squeaky-voiced posh girls telling us of their daring goodness, because they set up a Whatscunt group.
Guess what, you cunts? The lonely old lady that you never noticed because you never look up from your smartphone will continue to be lonely, because she doesn’t have a smartphone, let alone a Whatscunt account.
So Millenial cunts, stay out of our faces and quietly go about doing good in your neighbourhood – knocking on doors and getting to know that old dear or veteran whom you’ve never noticed. And it’ll be hard because you’ll have to learn knew skills – selflessness, conversation and making eye contact. But you’ll not be heroes. It’s called being a good person.
Finally, as much as we slag off the mud slime community, they’ll be good at this self-help. Not just because they’re close knit and insular, but because the local Inman always has a copy of the Electoral Register….
Nominated by Sgt Maj Cunt
Cunts keep going on about this Corbyn19 bollocks but what about that other disease that seems to be everywhere……..the gayness! Every time I turn on the telly or radio, pick up a newspaper there they are…..the gays! Unlike Corbyn19 it appears to be particularly dangerous to the young and can lead to the terrible condition of Trannyism, for which there is no known cure. I don’t hear of any research into finding a vaccine for the gayness. Come on Boris, get your finger out you lazy cunt.
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At the very least the fear of mutation and death seems to have changed people’s focus somewhat.
What next? mixed race zombie parents in sofa commercials?
The official advice coming from Spanky Headquarters is find your nearest shopping Mall and tool up because “when there’s n more room in Hell, the dead shall walk the earth”
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You’ll usually find the walking dead coming out of Ed Sheeran concert too!
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They already are in fair Oldham village.
You’ve never seen so many rotten cunts in one place I assure you.
Rats.
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The Gays appear to have an (un)natural immunity to Coronavirus.
I do wonder if this disease was invented by The Gays as some kind of payback for The Aids?……either that or shoving a hamster up your hoop must provide better protection than all the face-masks and hand-washing?
I’d give it a try but those selfish Gays have been panic-looting the pet shops….suppose I could always shove a few walnuts up my arse and try and tempt one of the red squirrels to have a closer look…..trouble would be that the sight of me with my pants down,bent over in the woods, shouting “Come and have a look at my nuts,you little lovelies” would probably attract The Gays too.
Caught between a rock and a hard place.
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caught between a cock and a hard on, in the case of the Gays
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Morning Dick.
You’re dead right about the Gays immunity to Corbyn-19. I was taking tea yesterday with our Gay couple next door (you couldn’t wish for better neighbours) and can confirm they were totally Coronavirus free, thus proving your theory beyond any doubt.
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Do you attend their Chemsex parties ?
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No. Haven’t been to a party since the late 1970s.
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Was that a Chemsex party ?
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Plenty of chem, but no sex as I recall. Almost certainly would have had a wank after I got home to the Betamax and bed. Happy days.
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Talking of hamsters this little link takes me back to the 90’s as one of the original viral emails that went around along with the students that hijacked airport announcements with names that sounded like something else ( can’t find a link for that though)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cTrOb8zyrZk
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Fear not Freddie… Ann Widdecombe has matters in hand:
https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/jun/02/ann-widdecombe-science-answer-being-gay
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People need to remember the most deadly virus is *AIDs* spread from monkey to gay to gay to monkey.
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We have Michael Jackson and Bubbles to thank for that. 😡
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All this coming from a tasty bowl of batshit soup !
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I also notice how celebs are hogging media headlines saying they “might” have C19, or they “fear” having C19, or they’re taking “precautions” against C19, or how “I recovered” from C19 etc
Big fucking deal! Who cares what you twats think! You’re only doing it to ramp up a bit more attention. And can you imagine the likes of David Beckham and that Stick insect he calls a wife, queueing outside Lidl in order to stockpile on baked beans (Lidl’s own brand) and bog roll?
As for the Millennials and Gen Zs. They’ll survive C19 because their social media will tell them what to do!
But if there was another IT virus that well and truly fucked up social media sites in particular (harks back to the days of MyDoom, Melissa and of course good old Storm Worm!), they wouldn’t be able to access any social media at all. Resulting in them topping themselves by the thousands, with unwanted phones scattered across the streets!
Needy Cunts
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If “home working” takes off, how long before telecoms networks overload?
I’m going to be an angry old caaaaant if deprived of ISAC.
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Attention seeking cunts the lot of them. Oh look at me I have Coronavirus, says ex Bond star Olga Kurylenko and actor Idris Elba.
You do? Well done. Now shut the fuck up, fuck off and die!
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Well I’ve already started taking sensible precautions.
I’ve got a bucket of cold piss behind the door ready to chuck over any selfie-wielding Do-Gooder that turns up at my door.
“Release the hounds”
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I expect that word of you and your likely response to these warm hearted youngsters who care so much about the world that we old cunts have destroyed has got around the social media pages. You will not be disturbed.
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The whole fucking thing is pathetic.
Spineless womble keyboard warriors abound!
Oven them.
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Idris ‘Umbongo’ Elba has announced he has tested positive.
He has only made this announcement so he can self isolate, play on his tyre swing and fling his own excrement around for 12 weeks.
Why does he think anyone gives two toots on the terrapin’s Rodger?
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Or even the terrapin’s todger.
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Get the old folk some food and drink in, some DVDs and some jigsaw puzzles.
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Nice sentiments Spoons!
I was thinking raid them first when werthers originals are not on the shelves!
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It’s obvious all the slebs will be getting it. Then they can go on chat shows and tell you about their terrible ordeal, how they struggled bravely against the odds but came through it in the end. Followed by the inevitable book just in time for Christmas.
Lying bastard cunts.
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Remake of Death in Venice, PLEASE…for Dame Emma Ratbag, who looks a bit like the gerbil up the arse.
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You simply must be self isolating if you wished to be noticed . A newly elected 23 (!) old MP in Nottingham announced last week that she was self isolating. She did find time criticise the response of HMG to the situation. Yes, 23 years old ,not a doctor or scientist of any description but an expert in all things. The response to her utterings of the locals was not as positive as I imagine she had hoped it would be. Still, in the time she has on her hands now she may decide to grow up a bit.
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No way Im self isolating for 3week without earning!
I get it? Business as usual.
I infect you?
Shouldnt of invaded my personal space.
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Piers Morgan has lost the plot. He wants everyone to stop home and watch his deranged rantings all day.
Just fuck off and self isolate you loudmouth cunt.
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That’s not enough. We need to stop paying rent, mortgages and bills. Then we can all get evicted and live on the streets, fighting over bog rolls and pot noodles.
I’m not sure how far people want to push this. Right to the end of civilization, it seems.
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Take to the streets I say – armed with bananas and courgettes – we can take on anyone – there’s more of us than them – and the welsh can have pointy sticks – come on, over the hill lads …………
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They had one on the Beeb. She plastered her offer of help with the shopping or just a phone call etc. She was posting the offers of help through doors. I thought it was a lovely idea…
…until she plastered her kindness all over Facebook and told the BBC.
Maybe I’m being a grumpy twat, sorry. But I’m just immediately suspicious when acts of kindness are plastered by the do-gooder all over the internet/on the telly.
Reminds me of Smashy and Nicey, “Do a lot of work for charidee but don’t like to talk about it mate.”
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I’m fed up with these ‘experts’ who seem to believe that everybody can simply stay at home for 4 months. Because we all know that all people have months of food stored up, nothing is ever going to spoil and, even if you need something, supermarkets have 000’s of delivery slot for online shopping. I have yet hear 1 person tell us how we’re supposed to survive when we all know that the above scenarios are utter bollocks.
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That’s politicians covering their arses. If you snuff it it’s your fault for sticking your nose out of the door for five minutes. You should have listened to your betters. You can put a big bet on the number of dead rich cunts being zero. You probably won’t be around to collect your winnings though.
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Supermarkets should be trying to prioritise deliveries for the over 70s and those in high risk groups. Perhaps a scan of us with date of birth and/or a letter from a GP?
System would almost certainly be abused en-masse by a certain section is society though. Clue? The ones abusing postal voting.
Threaten 10 years in prison for falsifying info and give it a go.
Limit deliveries to one a week per household (not customer). And limit certain items to sensible levels.
It can be done but Boris needs to pull his finger out. Quickly before you get full blown riots in Sainsbury’s and looting in Aldi. Perhaps a few ‘tut tut we’d better by 5 packs of cous cous, Rupert’ in Waitrose
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‘scan of a document’ ffs
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‘scan of a doc’ (can’t put the full word die to moderation)
Arse
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Don’t be so fucking negative you cunts.
Jimmy’s friend Esther Rancid is coming to the rescue. Rejoice.
Also, Hollywood stars are sharing their tips on survival. We are truly blessed.
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Esther ? I thought that she was long dead. Thanks for ruining my day.
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Esther fucking Ratbag…
I also thought she’d carked, but turned up on a “trailer” last night (sadly NOT an undertaker’s trailer). She really does look exhumed, poor dear…
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That nauseatingly sickly adulterous bitch had me removed from a cafe once.
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Was it for pointing and laughing at her teeth?
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My wife is supposed to have a GP appointment this morning. They rang earlier to tell her to stay at home and the GP would ring her instead. She’s supposed to have a blood test and presumably they’re going to take that by email.
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My GP has a self injection system and a drone for delivering body fluids. Coupled with a video link, they don’t have to see any spotty,
snotty, disease ridden patients at all.
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I have a great system for getting blood from myself, it’s called DIY.
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The GP rang twice. On her mobile. Which neither of us heard ring. Despite the fact we have told them at least FOUR TIMES to ring on the landline. The receptionist told her she needs to improve the reception on her mobile. Perhaps she wants us to build a new mast in our garden. She then asked for the landline number that they’d rang us on not 30 minutes earlier to tell us the GP would ring us later. the The GP then rang back on the landline and the whole ‘consultation’ was a waste of fucking time and my wife is no clearer about what’s wrong with her than before.
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Just a final thought on this. After telling her not to go to the surgery for the appointment, she was told to go to the surgery and pick up a prescription which she then had to go to Asda pharmacy to fulfil. So much for avoiding mixing with the public. And these people are supposedly at the front line of healthcare.
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A very welcome cunting, S-M. As an antisocial old cunt most of whose life has been spent in social isolation (as it is now called; used to be ‘living on your own’) I can only welcome the prospect of soft-featured upspeaking bores giving my lair a wide berth, and thank you for your small cuntribution to discouraging the cunts.
The proposed measures cannot possibly work, in any case, and it will be all change again next week. I’m afraid Boris’s delusion that he is Churchill Mk.2 has kicked in, but Churchill understood what his advisors were telling him, and Boris doesn’t.
Seems likely that I’ll be sent home shortly which will give me the chance of enjoying the spring and supplying my neighbours with fresh pigeon, sniped from the bathroom window. I may not even charge for this, but I shall not make a song and dance about my selfless devotion to the needs of my despicable neighbours.
And it looks as if I’ll continue to get paid for doing fuck-all, which can’t be bad.
Ho hum. If everything stays open just long enough to get some seed potatoes and other items for the garden, everything will be tickety, I think.
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Millennials are about to get a eye opener about reality. Some of them think this will only impact boomers and that they will be unaffected.
The cunts are going to be gutted when the magic unicorn doesn’t show up and make the world fluffy.
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Interesting how most of western Europe is closing its borders. Talk about horses, stable doors and bolts.
Am surprised there isn’t uproar from the usual suspects regarding this appalling act of racism, ha!
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Am sure the Telegraph website had the words”civil liberties” in a headline yesterday.
So how long before Chuckyerbalti et al. crawl out from under their stones to start dragging Boris to the Supreme Cunt over public health policy…? You can guarantee that in no way would such work be done on a “pro bono” basis…
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Some celebricunts don’t want the attention the virus brings and just want a quiet life.
As the lead in the WHO, Roger Daltrey is absolutely pissed off with the media continually knocking on his door and asking for updates on Covid-19.
He got that exasperated with a Grauniad reporter that he turned round and swore at him saying, “I’m fed up of you fuckin’ s – s – snowflakes. Why don’t you all f – f – fuckin’ f – f – fade away?
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F – f – fuck off Bertie! 🦜
This joke is worse than the virus!
It keeps mutating into a different form.
Regards Percy Blunt
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On the BBC ‘News’ website- ‘How are TV Soaps Reacting to Coronavirus?’ Fuck me, I wish I was dead.
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Perhaps the Neverenders and Corrie cast could be boiled down into liquid soap; there’s bound to be a shortage…
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BREAKING NEWS……..
The UK still has more fucking experts than Covid-19 Cases!!!!
I don’t need any do gooders, as long as the government keep fuel, power, water, and food supplies flowing the rest of matters little.
CUNTS!
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Great cunting Sgt Major.
Some dozy bint was on the news last night advising everyone to “connect” with the elderly via WhatsApp. What a cunt. Try doing that with my 95 year old mother (Wartime trained nurse, ex hospital Matron). She doesn’t have a smrtphone, you dopey cunt.
If one of these twats called she’d tell them to fuck off and leave her alone (she still has all her marbles and is tough as old boots).
What planet does this generation live on? They are clearly in a parallel universe.
Stupid cunts.
And I don’t have twatphone either, so you cunts can fuck off and leave me alone, too.
Big Al
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I saw a soy-boy millennial panic-buying in the supermarket on Sunday. He had the typical appearance of one of these pathetic weeds: the trendy glasses and the feeble-looking beard that looks like pubes glued to his face.
In his basket were three blocks of lactose-free cheese and a dozen cartons of soy milk. He hadn’t even taken the cartons of dairy-free jism from the box that they were in on the shelf.
I bet he wasn’t buying them for his lonely elderly neighbours.
Selfish, millennial soy-boy cunt.
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One death in Scotland from this virus. 5000 tested,170 were positive. That’s about 3%, same as everywhere.
More will die from booze,drugs and the annual cold / flu.
If you’re not already ill this virus is not a danger.
That is all .
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An average of 5 people a day in this country die in a road accident. Funny I haven’t heard this talked about all fucking day, every fucking day a fortnight.
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35 thousand people die of sepsis in this country every year, no one gives a shit. Until thousands of previously healthy people are snuffing it from this, I won’t give a shit about this
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Before I looked at this, I noticed that I had been added to a Covid19 family group on whats app by the MRS.
I notice that she is getting into this with a vengeance, she is socially isolating, no kisses ect despite the fact we sleep in the same bed (why I am not sure because there is no benefit to it) and I have started self isolating in the bathroom to bang one out every so often.
I notice that Serbia has banned the over 65’s from going out, but being a poor country there is no financial penalty they are just shooting them on sight.
https://www.vecernji.hr/vijesti/ana-brnabic-umirovljenici-ne-slusaju-upute-moguce-uvodenje-policijskog-sata-1386226
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Our postman is working from home today. The cunt.
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I am being good to myself, by rolling my spiffs using IZAL medicated toilet paper. Sanitizing my lungs, feeling good, and not giving a shit.
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I remember wiping my arse on IZAL – my great aunt seemed to have an almost religious faith in it (or a bitch of a sense of humour)…
Smear, smear, smear, rip, fingers up crack.
I am glad you have found a good use for it, WS !
4
Incidentally, since we’re treating this like the Great Plague and London is once again the leading plague spot, the solution is obvious: burn London to the ground. Though finding an architect the equal of Wren for the reconstruction will certainly be a challenge.
This comes to you from Komodo Katastrophe Konsultants LLP.
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I just hope we don’t go into fucking lockdown.
As much of a miserable, solitary home bird cunt I am, I do like to get out to Poundland at least once a week to browse random shit and laugh at the cunt chavs in there.
It’s the little things that make life beautiful!!
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Terry Christian will be happy this virus targets the elderly.
Thing is, the silly cunt is knocking 60 himself (he still thinks he’s 25 and ‘edgy’). Wouldn’t it be karma at its finest if… (can’t bring myself to say it, even though he is a cunt, sorry).
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The only way that cunt would be edgy is in a box with the lid nailed down. I live in hope.
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You may be too sensitive for this site. Might I suggest a weekend with our friend from Northumbria.
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Haha! I think I know who you mean. Very funny chap who lives in a tower?
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