Bad News

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Good news is no news, the old saying goes. On the other hand, BAD news is always news, and bloody hell, as ever, there’s plenty of it about. Naturally, the meeja just loves to pile on the gloom and doom to depress us all.

Coronavirus is on the rampage, an epidemic that’s about to acquire superstar, pandemic status. As well as the cost in human misery, the effects on the global economy are predicted to be dire. Over in Brussels, EU plutocrats want to play the cunt in trade negotiations, and this could mean that we’ll run out of everything as a consequence. The planet’s on fire, so we’re told repeatedly by creepy truant Grunta Thunderbox and her cult following. The Middle East certainly is on fire, pushing yet more hordes of migrants ( not to mention a load of pure chancers) in Europe’s direction. To add to the fun, yet more storms threaten to batter the living daylights out of us, with the the Met Office in its element, predicting the equivalent of a month’s rainfall in a day. The Markles are back in the UK, spreading their own unique brand of irritation and annoyance, and the Villa look odds on for the drop; yes, there’s news that goes from the sublime to the ridiculous, and none of it good. Read awl abaht it!

It just seems to go on and on…the stories peppered with alarmist trigger words such as ‘DISASTER’, ‘CATASTROPHE’, ‘CHAOS’, ‘HORROR’ and the like. Never mind though, as according to NASA, there’s a huge, fuck off asteroid heading straight for us come the end of April. Apparently it’s a planet killer, so if it strikes, it’ll be Goodnight Vienna. We can all bend over, put our heads between our knees and kiss our arses goodbye. It’ll be the end of all our troubles. Yet at the same time, we’re told to keep calm and carry on. Don’t panic! Don’t panic! Don’t hoard tins of beans and bog roll. You end up not knowing what to believe.

I’m sick of hearing this shit. Isn’t there some good news out there for the meeja to report on, instead of the relentless barrage of paranoia-inducing negativity they subject us to? Well fuck that. I’ve got my book in one hand, and a very large glass of malt in the other (just a touch of soda), and I’m off to bed to snuggle up to the wife. I fully expect to wake up after a good night’s sleep, to face the first day of the rest of my life, as will the overwhelming majority of us. It’s normal. I’d call that good news, but don’t expect to read about it in ‘The Mail’ or ‘The Express’. They’re just desperately waiting for an announcement about a new royal baby being on the way. That’s THEIR idea about what constitutes some good news to the rest of us. Give us a fucking break.

Nominated by Ron Knee

165 thoughts on “Bad News”

  1. Oh Ron! That really brightened up my day! It’s the first good laugh I’ve had in ages.
    You have a God given way with words. Keep them coming, as they’ll be as essential as bog roll when I start my self-isolation on Monday.

    • Good nom RK – we are in the grip of the bad news brokers – keep the people permanently a little afraid and it’s amazing what they will put up with.
      Orwell wrote some sort of book about this apparently.

      • Think its “Orwell’s bumper book of gags and Jokes”?
        Dont quote me though might be wrong.

      • ITV Wales at 6 News was a dismal cunt, telling us to be positive; he looked as if he was about to have to read out the names of 6 million dead in the Holocaust.

        I used to say that ITV News was better, and generally I still think it is, but currently, as you say, “Woman in Eyres Monsall drops biscuit into tea – catastrophe !!! Our reporter is standing 10 yards from Ethel Weems’ front window, with a furry mike on a long stick”
        Meanwhile, I am farting a lot.

    • Thanks Prof!
      No joke tho, I’m sick of these cunts spreading doom and despondency. Just had a look at The Express and The Mail websites; Christ on a bike. People need information presented in a sober fashion. What we don’t need is scaremongering shit like; ‘London chaos’, ‘into the abyss’, ‘Italian says “you’ve no idea of the horror coming” ‘ etc ad nausem.
      Never mind tho. The Express has got a picture of Her Maj with the caption ‘Queen keeps smiling through’ to reassure us all. Well she can afford to; she’s just been put into isolation in the Sandringham bunker. No worries about ventilators and food supplies for her!

      • I’m just waiting for them to wheel out Vera Lynn for a sing song!
        🎵 Keep smiling through
        Just like you always do
        ‘Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away 🎵

      • Vera is with us – 103 tomorrow,and she issued a statement yesterday about the Dunkirk spirit – if I can find it I will add a link.

        Good news?: The Eurovision Song Bore has been cancelled and Kweer Starmer’s leadership campaign is all but forgotten.

      • Nice article, until Daily Mard cut me off (cos I installed Adblocker), thus depriving me of adverts for Alston’s Rubber Corsets, and Ball & Socket Trusses…

      • Lol!
        Don’t forget ‘there’ll be bog rolls over the white cliffs of Dover…’

      • Too right Ron, people are screaming out for a glimmer of hope, yet all these sensationalist cunts have painted themselves into a corner by going massive on the doom and gloom in the calm early stages, and have ramped it up way past eleven now, not to make them look like the fucking mass panic buying catalyst that they are. Cunts. I can’t remember which insurance company that used it, but remember the slogan ‘we won’t make a drama out of a crisis’? Well these cunts have made a crisis out of a drama.

  4. Most people that get this Flu, ere sorry Pandemic get very mild to fuck all symptoms. But SLY and BBC won’t tell you that. In most cases it’s like seasonal Flu which kills a load of old and people with underlying problems anyway . It’s the corrupt WHO and the fucking media that have blown this way out of proportion. The Mass Hysteria is fucking mind boggling . We are being subjected to a culture of fear. If nothing had been said about it, it would have passed like seasonal Flu and hardly anyone would have noticed.
    This has set a precedent. Each year from now on we will only have to get a mention of Flu from the media and the whole fucking fiasco will start all over again.

    • Somebody posted yesterday that once the intensive care beds run out the mortality rises to about a 10% mortality rate among the known infected.

      • Are you advising people to get in early?
        The cunts who are stockpiling have probably already booked their beds!

      • An increase in overall mortality rates results from NHS resources being diverted away from other emergenices to treat COVID 19 patients.

  5. Good sold cunting Ron. Even in the midst of the Corona virus the media’s real colours are still flying high. Hit one of the tabloids sites and between the doom and gloom you’ll find fake news articles declaring how the whole nation is dying to get hold of a dress like the one Holly Willybe was wearing to the shitter yesterday afternoon and how it’s available from M&S for £17.99.

    Funniest sight today was Carole Cuntwood still trying to big up her part (Weather Gran) in the midst of the biggest crises in living memory. Careful Carole you must be borderline susceptible.

  7. If you’re blood type O you’re less likely to catch the Chinese virus.
    There’s a bit of good news. Very common blood group.

    • My son, wife and I strangely are all blood type A negative.

      One of the very few things that I have in common with Mrs Stroker.

      The others being our dislike of workshy scroungers, the UK’s soft touch to criminals, bad manners, our dear shouty European friends from the East. And dancing. We both detest dancing.

      • I’m A negative too. A negative cunt some might say.

        I’ll get me coat.

        BTW here’s that feeble piece of piss Turdo running off to grab his coat during a press briefing the fanny:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c672-ztadk

        You’re supposed to fuck off after getting your coat!

      • No idea what my blood group is. How do you find out?

        look in your left arm pit it should be tattooed there

      • Just googled it and either a sample is tested or when you give blood – fuck that, they’re asking for an armful!

      • “It may be just a smear to you mate but it’s life and death to some poor cunt!”

      • o+ and not tattooed under any arm pit, that was the SS who did that, Admin secret? a bit of sonenkinder going on?

      • Soft touch to criminals? Ha! I copped 60 hours community service for NOT breaking the law. Fuck the law and the so-called ‘justice’ system!

    • Just seen my first mask wearers!
      That made me laugh!😁
      Young couple in their 20s swanning round Aldi in dust masks,hehee!
      Gave em my Johnny Rotten snear.
      Nobody sneared like Johnny.👍👍

      • Loved Public Image Ltd…. That Metal Box was an ace album… It’s a shame that the real Pistols, Lydon, Matlock, Jones and Cook didn’t develop as a band without that cunt McLaren and that total twat, Vicious…

      • Glad the pistols did just the one album an exploded, what they did deliver still stands up doesnt it Norman?
        Yeah Metal box👍👍👍👍

      • I was out earlier and every Chinese cunt I saw was wearing a mask. Where are they getting them from? I can’t get one anywhere. I just got this irrational urge to punch every one of the fuckers in the face.

      • E-bay Ron! I’ve just ordered a couple to stop the grandchildren slobbering over me but I don’t think I’d wear them much.
        They’re actually quite cheap.

      • I saw one too, she was the only fucker in the supermarket wearing one. Perhaps she was keeping her infectious bat breath to herself, as the mask works both ways. Still boiled my piss though.
        I watched a press conference earlier from Trump and his virus team. He was answering questions from the gutter press, about his calling it Chinese flu being racist, when some pro Trump reporter stuck up for him, calling the other reporters traitors for pushing the Chinese narrative, even Russia’s bullshit, and ended up with this logic bomb- she asked if it was racist to refer to Chinese food as Chinese food? He also said about the fact that China had suppressed the news of the outbreak, and refused help from the West, which meant valuable time wasted in combating the spread. He also said about his enemies in the fake news press calling him racist for wanting to halt people going to the USA from China at the beginning of the pandemic, and that they would have been in a better place if they had. For a massive cunt, it was hard to argue with him. Perhaps after the dust has settled, the West will bring back its manufacturing jobs from China, and they can go fuck themselves.

  9. Asteroid? My fucking Newton Heath arse…

    And fuck the Daily Express… They’re still sniffing a pair of Lady Di’s old knickers….

    • I would be too if I could get hold of a pair. Have to make do with the wife’s. She gets mad, but only cos she knows I’d be sniffing a few others if I got the chance.

      • Use it as a mask Ron and you needn’t take your face out of it?
        😂

      • Or if you got a pair of Flabbott’s or Thornpiggy’s you could make an entire hazmat suit out of it.

      • Apparently, contractors are still using them as a temporary roof over the O2 Arena!

      • I don’t think it takes much in that old sod’s case! Mind you, you’ve got to find something to pass the time these days when you’re stuck in the house all the time.
        You can only watch so many masturbating milfs on xhamster before you want a bit of action yourself.

      • I’ve put a note up on my bedroom door at no. 28 Rillington Place:
        “Am self-abusing.
        Fuck off and leave me in peace for seven days.”

  10. Good news is, all this corona and asteroid talk filling the news means theres less brexit in it. Every day was brexit this brexit that, now its corona this asteroid that and in other news a little of brexit.

  11. The good news is daffodils are looking rather nice. My Mrs tits are even better and im on for a sure thing as its my birthday . Happy days.

  12. Prince William has just made an appeal for donations to the National Emergencies Trust. You’ll be putting a couple of mill in yourself Baldy?

      • Sadly yes. We’re all in this together apparently; help one another, that sort of stuff…

    • Some breaking news from Her Majesty the Queen. She is urging the nation to work as one to fight the virus.

      Well at last something uplifting to focus on, well done ma’am.
      The Queen said: “We are all being advised to change our normal routines and regular patterns of life for the greater good of the communities we live in and, in particular, to protect the most vulnerable within them.”

      She added: “Many of us will need to find new ways of staying in touch with each other and making sure that loved ones are safe. I am certain we are up to that challenge. You can be assured that my family and I stand ready to play our part.”

      See, it’s not all bad news. We can relax in the knowledge that The Croak of Edinburgh has been flown to Windsor Castle so his femleh can keep an eye on him and that he will be getting extra visits from his private physician in case his servants have breathed any corona virus germs on him. This will ensure that he attains the impressive age of 99 and can attend his birthday banquet on 10th June.😉

      It’s so comforting to know, that humans are basically the same everywhere really. We all share the same feelings of fear and hope!

      • They are getting a mortgage holiday on their many palaces ? Extra flunkeys to iron bog roll ?
        Phil will be paying his X-Hamster subs on a 0% Platinum card…

  13. Yes, an excellent nom RK. Don’t get me started on that scruffy, needing a good scrub, cunt Robert Peston… Starts every statement with a Weeeelllllll we COULD see 400k cases, MAYBE 40k dead, PERHAPS even more. 90% conjecture and 10% absolute cuntitude. What a turd. I hope he gets it.

    • Aye up Withering.
      My goat is being well and truly got by every bastard news channel digging their own ‘expert’ out of the woodwork to pontificate on the covid-19 situation. Every talking head has got a different view with regards to what should be done and when; often these views are at odds with the strategy laid down by the Chief Scientific Officer and Chief Medical Officer. All they’re doing is causing confusion, uncertainty and fear.

    • Peston is using the word ‘Look …’ (said in italics) a lot now as well to preface sentences.

      Speaking of looks, he had a very queer looking long-shaped bald patch on top on his head last night too, rather spoiling his 1950s head boy hair style.

      Wankstain.

  14. Yipee! Interest rates have been cut to 0.01%. What a brilliant wheeze! 🤠

    I’m gonna borrow loadsa money and spaff it up the supermarkets.

    Err… wait a minute… the shelves are empty.

    Well at least my mortgage rate will be cut, yes? Oh, just a sec… it’s fixed for the next 450 years.

    Maybe I’ll buy an airline instead.

    So much for stimulating the economy. ☹️

    I wonder how my savings are doing…

    Get fucked.

    • It’s quite feasible that we could soon move on to negative interest rates where the bank pays you interest to borrow. This is done to encourage people to borrow and stimulate the economy rather than stash money away.
      Evening Ruff One.

      • Evening Bertie.

        Stimulate the economy how? Apart from patronising the Filipino nail bar there’s fuck all else out there to blow my life savings on right now.

        This country is headed for economic Armageddon. © RTC 2020.

        What’s happened to Sir Nigel? He hasn’t been on his radio show for days…

      • Nige has the virus? I’m blaming you now that I’m hooked on LBC or should I say the Covid-19 channel! I don’t like Ian Dale though.

      • Dale I can stomach. Except when he’s being polite to cunts like Yasmin Alibi Brown, he should take a heavy frying pan to that cunt’s face.

      • I second that emotion! That vile cunt is on my list of top twenty faces I’d most like to punch repeatedly.

      • How did you know that? She’s not been meeting you in the gents round the back of the Rose & Crown again has she?

    • Tesco’s had a few loaves of their cheap ‘n’ nasty basics sliced white left. You won’t need bog roll for about three months if you eat that stuff.
      I need rum.

    • And if you could send your bank details, card number and PIN, please! I’ve discovered £200 million in an unknown account. I’m willing to share this with you. Obviously, I’m going to need £2,000 up front for admin costs etc! Yours in good faith

      Umboko Mningi Bogbrush

  17. Just been panic buying – managed to get 5 panics!
    I think the lesson I learned from this is “put trousers on before shopping”!
    Stupid grown up rules ☹

    • Changed times Mr F.
      I remember the good old days, when it was good manners to cough to hide a fart. Now it’s the done thing to fart to hide a cough.

  18. On the subject of news, I went to the Doctors to get my test results.
    The Doctor said “I’ve got some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?”
    I said “Fuck it Doc, let’s have the bad news first”
    The Doctor said “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but you have a rare form of blood cancer and you’ve only got 3 month left to live!”
    I said “Well what’s the good news?”
    The Doctor said “I’m shagging the receptionist!”

    • If my GP admitted to shagging a receptionist, I’d change practice; no-one wants a GP who is totally devoid of a central nervous system…

  19. It these cunt’s would stop reminding us that shelves are empty and people are panic buying things might calm down a bit.
    The cunts.

  20. There was some good news – the deaths in Scotland due to chinky bat flu have DOUBLED – the bad news it’s only three more. Actually it appears the virus has run it’s course in China. They have ZERO new cases and the only ones now are the cunts that have brought it in with them from abroad.

  21. The only good news I want to hear is that some politician or sleb has snuffed it from the batshit plague. That would make me smile. Blair, Markle or Greta Thundercunt would be a bonus.

  22. Mint cunting, Ronald.

    Since my tin foil hat blew off in the last storm, I’ve been pondering why local councils have done fuck all about potholes in our roads, for the last 3 years – I reckon they’ve been saving up, because if that huge fuck-off asteroid twats into us, it’s gonna make one fucker of a pothole….

  23. well I will tell you something to make you smile, I hire out porta loos amungst other things and they have become a target for toilet paper and hand sanitizer thieves.
    I have had a few calls from angry builders asking for replacements.
    My favorite was the customer who used these https://youtu.be/7A9Iz9nw3ZE as a stop gap, (only once) because despite being squeaky clean, they burn like fuck on your ring piece (so do not do it yourself).
    There you go smiling already I bet.

  24. We need to rename it Kung Flu!
    Well, the Chinese have wanted to destroy the western economy for a long time, and now they are achieving it – I have noticed a trend on the share/asset purchase side of things – Chinese companies using Government money to buy everything they can get their little yellow hands on as our economies fail.
    Greedy conniving devious little b*stards.

  25. There’s always a silver lining. As the world grinds to a halt and bodies begin to pile up in the streets, we’ll be able to comfort ourselves with this thought: when you’re dead, you don’t have to wipe your arse.

  27. Just seen a video of a huge crowd of cunts rushing the doors of an Asda in Wembley at 6 am. See how many proper Brits you can spot?

  28. All we can do now like the people in Italy in lockdown is sing patriotic songs to each other to build solidarity. To that end I suggest Miserable fling open his windows tonight and give a full throated rendition of ‘There’ll Always Be an England’. Next Mr Fiddler behind one of those arrowslit windows of the Towers bellowing out -‘Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves…'(the hounds in harmony below Awhooo! Awhoo!). Next RT and instead of that dreary Stockhausen fella a rousing chorus of ‘I Vow To Thee My Country..’. Lastly Bertie and of course ‘Jerusalem’ ‘And did those feet in ancient times…’ Percy squawking along as best he can.

    • Sad news Miles. Percy has sûccumbed to the virus and has gone into lockdown. Can’t get any fuckin’ cuttlefish from the supermarket for love nor money to cheer him up. It just happens to be one of those things that people are hoarding.

      • Dog bless you both, Bertie.
        I keep a cuttlefish bone for emergencies. I shall teleport it to you immediately.

    • Be happy to do so Miles.
      Saw that on news.
      The beautiful isle ringing with the manly voices of ISACers raised!
      From the welsh valleys to the scottish highlands
      From Cornish fishing vessels to the Manchester backstreets,
      A chorus raised!
      We are not afraid!
      Chinaman take your virus an your prawn crackers and depart!
      This sacred land
      This land fit for heroes
      This Mighty throne of gods chosen people
      We are ISAC hear us sing!!
      ☺

      • Very patriotic Miserable, the spirit of the Blitz, Crecy, Agincourt and Rourke’s Drift to name a few. We didn’t civilize half the world from behind the sofa.

      • Aye Miserable, just wait until this is all over and the Chinese feel our mighty wrath by boycotting soy sauce and silk pyjamas, that’ll show em’.

      • Always boycotted anything chinese LL.
        Cheap shite.
        Never liked them.
        Sly.secretive.
        Judi Dench spreads coronavirus.

      • Judi Dench as M:
        “Ah herro mista Bond. Your mission is to seek out and acquire the Corbyn anti virus and bling it back here immediately. Foh England, James. Foh Queen and country.
        May dog bress yoh.”

      • Hehee cheers admin!👍
        Good old Alf, never realised as a young punk rocker id actually turn into him!😁

  29. Oh Ron,Ron,Ron. Soda in the whiskey its not that bad yet, blame thee rinky dinks for the kung flu, dispise the. Markles, space conkers obviously isnt good, but no need to ruin your whiskey, thats what i call a drinking problem and anyway it effects the anesthetic property of a fine single malt and in the near future your going to need as much as you can get to dis….able the central nervous system….it helps me endure a world full of cunts

  30. In light of recent events Tesco’s are replacing, – ‘Tesco….Every Little Helps.’

    With…

    ‘Tesco….There’s Fuck All On The Shelves’….

    • Sounds about right JR, greedy selfish b*stards – no bread where I live for 3 days, toilet paper I don’t care about – I wipe my a*se on the neighbours washing!
      Off now, neighbour wants a word about summat, waving some washing about and looking angry! 🏃‍♂️

      • No bread Foxy?
        Mrs Antoinette reccomends cake as a substitute.
        Hey catch Pie cunt with me and we’ll share this pie hes boasting about!
        You dropkick him thai style an I’ll drop a washing machine on his nut.
        Love a pie, trolls with baked goods,easily parted.

    • Today I went to Lidl, it was about 10:30am. Clearly I am an idiot who got there too late as there was not a single carton of eggs left, none at all. Now either they didn’t get a delivery or a minute past opening time they got stripped bare of them all. I mean 10:30 isn’t late; so do I now have to wait outside camped in a tent for opening time like those massive cunts wanting to be the first to get a new cunty iphone? Just for eggs? For fuck fucking fucks sake I thought, maybe I should keep chickens.

      I carried on….but coming the other way down the aisle was a bloke shouting “what the fuck is wrong with this country, I cant find any fucking eggs anywhere”. From the next aisle some other bloke shouted “fucking go vegan then”. Cunts the both of them!

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