“Hello. This is IsAC’s political correspondent Ron Knee speaking. Today I’m joined by Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, columnist and political commentator, and self-styled feminist, anti-racist, Muslim, and er… ‘little brown person’. Yes. Good afternoon”.

“Afternoon. I won’t say ‘good’. Nothing is good in vile post-Brexit Britain”.

“Ah, right. I’ll start with a little background. You fled your native Uganda at a time of great unrest and the rise of the despotic Idi Amin, and came to Britain. Since then you’ve tended, if I may say so, to be less than complimentary about your adopted country”.

“Well, Britain is racist. Structurally racist. Institutionally racist *whinge*. As I wrote in ‘The New European’ in 2018, the UK is no country for coloured immigrants”.

“I see. Can you actually substantiate this claim? You seem to have done alright”.

“I’m right *sour pucker*. I say that Britain is racist at every conceivable opportunity, so it must be right. I mean, just look at who’s been sent to interview me. Someone who’s male, pale and stale”.

“But surely that outlook is in itself racist. Then you have in your time called upon ‘middle class white men’ to disappear, and referred to white working class people as ‘idle scroungers’. Aren’t YOU in turn being racist?”.

“Absolutely not. Only white people can be racist. I’m a little brown person”.

“I’m glad you cleared that up for us. So what issues concern you most then?”.

“Well racist Britain obviously. And Islamophobic, misogynist, sexist Britain. And of course Brexit. I’ve written and spoken at length about what an insular, small-minded, xenophobic and right wing place this country has become as a result of Brexit”.

“Hang on. I’d suggest that Brexit wasn’t a vote against foreigners as such. It was a revolt against the stranglehold of a bloated, unaccountable plutocracy. People were also deeply concerned about the impact of large scale immigration on their way of life, and upon public services. Such population increases are simply unsustainable”.

” An inherently racist outlook. And as I said in a post-election interview in December, the people have endorsed an ‘elective dictatorship’ to carry out this disgraceful withdrawal from the EU”.

“Pardon? The Conservatives have been given a huge majority to carry Brexit through. They govern not by ‘elective dictatorship’ but by popular mandate”.

“Yes but *whine* it wasn’t the result that I wanted. That means it’s not fair!!”.

“Okay, let’s summarise. You came here for a new life, and were accepted into one of the most tolerant, open and democratic societies in the world. Britain has given you sanctuary, opportunity and prosperity. Yet you never shut up about how bigoted and prejudiced we all are, and how unjust everything is. Aren’t you, as your critics claim, just a perpetually moaning, ungrateful, race-baiting hypocrite? And incidentally, why are you still here anyway?”.

“*hissy* I’m a little brown victim person and you’re bullying me! You want to drive me out, send me back to where I came from. But I won’t be driven out, I won’t!”.

“I’m not trying to drive you out. I’m merely referring to an article you wrote before the election, in which you said you’d leave Britain the minute Boris Johnson became PM”.

“I, er, *boo hoo hoo* little brown person *boo hoo hoo*…”.

“*sigh* This is Ron Knee, for ISAC, returning you to the studio”
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Nominated by Ron Knee