Midlife Crisis Cunts

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I think a well overdue cunting is required for stupid fuckers in the middle of a midlife crisis.

You know the type, and I’m sure everyone does. He’s the man of 35-45 years old who one day decides to go out and buy a Harley Davidson or a Porsche, and then drives it like he was 17 again. The compound I work on has a firm of architects and one of these cunts is in the middle of a Porsche midlife crisis. This involves buying an as bright as possible [please look at me] baby Porsche, fitting an attention -seeking loud exhaust, and then driving down a 200 metre stretch of narrow road with cars parked down both sides twice a day, like it’s the fucking Mulsanne Straight at Le Mans, even today when it was icy.

Everyone on the site is waiting for the inevitable road smash. I’m almost looking forward to it, so I can go out and film the cunt being cut out of the car, and then chin him just before he gets loaded onto the ambulance. Get a life and act your age, you cunt.

Nominated by Fuglyucker

62 thoughts on “Midlife Crisis Cunts”

  1. There are worse things. Imagine being a rich cunt, aged 35, with no experience of real life, outside of watching Corrie and Eastbenders, and falling for some gold digging American whore who turns you into a soft as shit Andrex puppy. It’s unlikely I know but it could happen.

    • 53 , have a new Focus RS , can’t see a issue other than slow wankers in my way. As my old fella told me it’s not the speed that kills you son, it’s the sudden stop.
      So wankers driving slowly in the wrong lane indicator on usually a peaceful fuck off

  2. I was staying at a large hotel in t’North over the weekend. I followed a middle aged man into the carpark and, nearby my car, he got into an extraordinary looking SUV. I thought “that must be some fancy electric thing”. Then he started it , and it produced a noise like an F1 car that Ecclestone would be proud of.

    I had to look up what this sad cunt was driving – Lamborghini Urus. £159k and 189 mph to make you look a right cunt. Bargain.

    • Saw some daft cunt driving one of those Rolls Royce SUVs last week – fucking dreadful. If I had that sort of cash, I’d buy a vintage Bentley and a Mondeo estate for everyday. That’s probably why I will never have that sort of cash!

    • 159K sad twat, its probably on some sort of lease deal, what the dozy cunt dosnt realise yet is it will depreciate like a fucking stock market crash, we have some faggot/ mid life crisis car salesman works around the corner, he,s got one[ not his, he drives it around till its sold and then probably alters the lileage back], the same silly twat has a lambroghini skate board with a shiny blue wrap on it, he can hardly get in and out of it but its funny as fuck, for on mid life crisis this guy, i bet he,s got a Harley as well and a trophy wife who,s shagging her tennis coach…

  3. Last week I was overtaken on a mini roundabout (yes you read that correctly) by one of these cunts in a Mercedes AMG.

    When we had stopped I gave the cunt a wanker gesture and on that he got out and threatened to knock me out. Now I shouldn’t rise to this shit but I too got out, strolled up to him, told him to go ahead and try. Little fucking skidmark, shit himself when he realised I was 6’2″ and built like a brick shithouse.

    Thing was, among all the midlife crisis wankery that this cunt was obviously suffering, he struggled to enunciate his words clearly. With that I called him a ‘fucking ape’ a couple of times and got back in the car.

    A good job well done as this cunt is in no doubt that he is a cunt and a sub primate with the IQ of a jar of pickles.

    Good cunting!

    • You’re not a cunt FF, be proud you’ve still got it. I wouldn’t be seen in anything other than Levis. Don’t know why but always have since I was in my teens. Good fit, birds love it. Top man.

      • Thank you Rob.
        My dear old mum bought me my first pair of Levi’s on my 14th Birthday. I’ve never Worn any other brand since.
        In those days you could get them in the army surplus store or Millets ,Not an overpriced Fuckin Levi’s store.

      • Got a pair on now as I’m off work today. Get all mine online through the post and save an absolute fortune. Nearly fell over when I saw how much they were in a dept store last month. I can’t help it if I’m still the same size leg and waist as I was 28 years ago.

    • MeToo Fenton. Wear them 365 days of the year. Got 12 pairs in the wardrobe, they should see me out and into the black wheelie bin.

      • Theirs nothing Homo erotic about my Arse in a pair of jeans Freddie. It looks like someone’s poured custard into them these days. My arse is collapsing towards the back of my knees and a nice tight round the arse pair of jeans acts like a bra.

    • Good form – I get ordered to wear a belt to look “decent” – so I don’t!
      Then I get shouted at, so I do! Levis are fine, but fall to bits as soon as they start to wear ☹
      Mid – life crisis? I bought a new hat, wild Man me!
      And a final thanks from every Human in the UK to Streatham Police for accurate shooting – well done there!

  6. I love cars and always have. Maybe I’m seen as a mid-life crisis cunt, but at least I know how to pull every car I own to bits and reassemble them. My old dad was a flight mechanic in the RAAF, and I grew up at a time when father’s taught their sons how to fix things – and not grizzle like a cunt! Any rate I’ve a couple of sports cars 80s to 90s period [’89 Mazda MX5 NA & ’97 BMW Z3], and I just bought a Holden ute 2012 V6 Thunder Jet black with orange mags [obviously I’m lairising cunt an’ all]
    At 62yo I don’t give a rat’s arse. Also, didn’t fucking Levis get expensive, eh?

  7. During my mid-life crisis I bought a 1961 E-Type and an Aston Martin DB5.

    I still play with them on the carpet occasionally when the wife’s out.

  8. I have some sympathy for those young men suffering a mid-life crisis, as my mid life crisis was nearly 40 years ago now, when I had a strong desire to buy a souped up Cortina in bright leaf green. Sadly my son and his extravagent mother took up most of my wages, so I never got the chance, but to those who have the opportunity – grab it with both hands, life is for the living and as I said in a rude message to Gaylord Adonis recently – you are a long time dead (by the look of him). In this age of atomic uncertainty we must grab our happiness where ever we find it.

    • Agree WC if it makes you happy do it,
      Its normally Harley Davidson or sports cars isnt it?
      If you can afford to indulge yourself go for it, quiet like getting older but do miss having hair.
      Forgotten what it feels like to comb my hair.

  9. I’ve got a lot on this week and need my car but it’s just failed the MOT on exhaust emissions.
    Absolutely fuming….

  10. I foolishly went paint balling, yes we shot the fuck out of the kids but afterwards I had a number of mobility issues . (some bitch tried to shoot me in the bollocks)

      • No I shot her in the face a couple of times, actually more than a couple of times, she did not seem to understand the concept of not looking over obstacles and then got arsey about the amount of head shots I scored on her (They do not count in paintball).
        I should have shot her in the tits, but old habits are hard to break.

  12. I’m in my 50s, and up until about 15 years ago (when I got married by coincidence) I quickly realised that my biking days were coming to a rapid end.

    In my 20s and 30s I used to ride a whole range of bikes (mostly Japanese) from quaint little AR125s and Superdream 250s; to nutjob bikes like LC350s, GPz 600/900s, ZZR600/900s, CBR600/900s, VFR800 and one or two others whos names escape me.

    But they were all great fun, incredibly fast and an absolutely pleasure to ride. The only downside were the fuckwits in other vehicles who couldn’t see you when pulling out of a fucking junction. And as a consequence the missus put a stop to all that two-wheeled orgy!

    However, about a year ago I was visiting a friend who had a number of bikes in his lock up. And he tempted me to ride a 2015 Suzuki Hayabusa – 1300cc, 200 ponies, 0-60 in just under 3 seconds, and top speed of just under 200mph.

    I got on it, and fired it up, but the riding position was far too much for my ageing bones, and the acceleration after a mere blip of the throttle almost threw me backwards to the ground on my arse.

    I eventually got the hang of it, but because I was in a built-up area I really couldn’t open her up; and as a consequence it was a real effort trying to tame the 270kg bitch.

    After about 20 minutes I gave up, and quickly realised that riding superbikes like that at my age were well and truly over. I looked like a right poser and twat at the same time!

    Never again.

    • Get yourself a Vstrom, mate – no shame in that. Or something rortier and put flat bars on it. Concede to age what is unavoidably its due and keep on buggering on, I say. (septuagenarian, SV1000S. The flat bars make it as tractable as a scooter in traffic, too.)

      • At the age of 56 I can still kickstart a Honda XL500 single. My mate can still boot up his Yam XT500 and he’s 66 this year.
        Both bikes will probably outlive us though… 😆

  13. It’s the lack of imagination which irritates me. Boring cunt decides to a) get a sports car which he’ll be paying crippling instalments on until he dies b) have an affair, his sudden cash splurging making him attractive to certain types or c) spend an obscene amount on some gay bike with equally gay accessories, especially those fucking Alien hats.
    All discarded when he eventually grows the fuck up.

  14. I’m with General S on this. I wish I was young enough to have a mid-life crisis. I’m having a ‘later life’ crisis, drinking too much wine, watching too much porn and trying to keep the missus happy.
    You jammy young fuckers don’t know you’re born.

    • To anyone who is feeling hopelessly middle aged on this Monday morning, perhaps I can help with a few words of comfort:

      Middle age is that time of life when you get more for your money than you did 30 years ago……….

      …..on a weighing machine.

      And whatever your age, you are still young enough to be Margaret Beckett’s toyboy.

  15. My midlife crisis involved returning to bikes, which I had ridden since 17 and given up for a few years due to the hideous situations I had found myself in due to being a really shit rider. Which I realised on travelling the – now vigorously updated – learner route. Boy, had I been a cunt! Still riding, and never owned a car.

    Re Harleys, from my own failings I cannot really cunt someone who, as the chequered flag of his/her existence is seen waving in the distance, can afford to indulge him (or her -) self with a new and noisy steed in the mistaken belief that it will impress anyone whose opinion he/she values…ok, the feisty redhead on the Ducati impressed me, but I doubt she values my opinion. But. Big but-

    But I have no hesitation whatever in cunting all Harley freaks everywhere for their lack of basic engineering knowledge and slavish devotion to UNF threads. Not to mention their gullibility in being suckered into buying an inferior product by a bunch of retro marketeers. If you want to be a proper ridiculous old twat at least get a decent bike which does corners and doesn’t sound like an overloaded DC3 trying to get off the runway. It’s not big, it’s not clever, it’s cunt.

    • I was going to have a mid-life crisis twenty years ago but I couldn’t afford it. I keep buying lottery tickets so you never know. But now it would be an end-of-life crisis wouldn’t it? Ah well.

      • You’re never too o-ho-hold
        To rock and ro-ho-holl
        If you’re too young to die!

        Good luck with the lottery.

      • I worked at a Harley dealership for a (thankfully short) period of time.
        Both the paint and chrome succumb quickly to our unique climate if the bike is used all year round.
        And whatever genius thought of mounting the voltage regulator just behind the front wheel where it gets all the road spray and mud deserves some kind of engineering Darwin award…

    • Have never ridden a Harley. I don’t think their suited for our piddly little A roads and motorways; and I really don’t understand all the adulation for such an average looking bike.

      It might look good on the open Highways of America (Pete Fonda in Easy Rider), but doesn’t have quite the same street cred tootling down Clapham High Street on a wet Monday morning (but then again I guess Harley riders are mostly fair-weather numpties anyway)

  16. I forget which one is which Ant or Dec. Which was the one whom crashed his car drunk driving?
    I don’t know how old he is. Is he old enough for midlife crisis?

  17. I want a trike, but fuck me the prices they want for them!!! Would it make me look a cunt, acceptible or gay, no fucking chance. Unfortunately Mrs CuntyMort says NO.
    FUCK.

    • She’s thinking of the Hell’s Angel – style thing built out of checker plate with a VW engine, straight-thru cans and the ignition adjusted for maximum backfire. Change the mental image to a tweed cap – driven sensible motor vehicle with a proper passenger seat, and you have something like this –

      https://www.popularmechanics.com/cars/g999/11-thrilling-three-wheeled-kit-cars/?slide=5

      What a delight it would be to pootle round your favourite country roads of a balmy summer’s day with your better half beside you! Shouldn’t be a hard sell at all, and no need to mention that that Guzzi lump will deliver reasonable velocities when required.

      • Thanks for that Komodo, unfortunately I’m too large and too elderly to fit in one of those. Mind you Mrs CuntyMort appeared to moisten.

  18. Fuck Off.

    The chicks are all frothing at the gash since I started wearing a wig (chest, head and ball-sack),gold medallion,unbuttoned-shirt,leather trousers and unlaced gym-shoes when I cruise into the pub carpark on my pimped-out quad-bike…..not too sure if they’re frothing with excitement or have just pissed themselves laughing…but who cares?…just proves that I’ve still got “it”.

    You lot are just doddery old Squares.

    • I could see your social attire as being reminiscent of sixties superstar detective Jason King DF – I think you would cut quite a swathe!
      I still seek a Ducati 600SS, just have to sell the good lady first!

  19. I can see why this cunting is deserved but I must disagree with it (do you remember when we could have a discussion). I’ve owned three fast Audis over the years since my thirties. I am now 50 and drive a Nissan Juke as it’s all I can afford. I am a still a petrolhead but I drive a crap car. Regarding mid-life crises, I have several tatts, the first of which I got when I was 33.

  20. My midlife crisis hit late…last year at 48 years old.

    Nothing as interesting and cliched as a sports car, but a third ear piercing. First one I got on my 16th birthday (when my Dad would finally allow me to get them pierced) the second piercing I got done at 18 during a college lunch break (just because I could really and to say “look, now I am of age and can do what I fucking well like with my lugholes”, little cow that I was) and then last year I had an epiphany that a third earring would be nice to ‘rebel it up’ a bit, now that I am approaching the big 5-0.

    Stupid really, I know. Especially as it has given me nothing but the shits since I did it, despite keeping the fucking holes clean. Dunno what happened with that decision…..so I am claiming ‘midlife crisis’. I didn’t want a tattoo as I can think of nothing worse than some faded and wrinkly old bit of scrawl on my increasingly saggy body into my dotage, so the ears it was.

    IF ONLY I HAD THE MONEY to be as extravagant as comforting myself with a fast car . Looks like it is my trusty Nissan Micra for the duration…….

    • Er….ummm…I hadn’t really envisaged you as having three ears, Nurse. I may have to rethink my plans for a whirlwind romance. Sorry.

  21. Hey you cunts, I am in my 60’s and own and ride the quickest production bike in the world, own a 550hp Porsche and the wife said if she didn’t know better people would think I had a small cock. So fucking lay off me, I don’t have a small cock!

    Please send pictures via the “contact us” link to substantiate this claim

  22. You,ok never guess that stupid cunt with the white Porsche that’s all noise and no balls must have read this post, I hadn’t heard then cunt for 2 days, he has realised what a pathetic cunt he looked, isan works on cunts, grow a cock and grow up wanker….

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