House Names

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A top of the range, high-end cunting for “house names”.

I’m a locksmith, and obviously get called out to attend homes that need gaining entry to, or the door won’t lock etc. Usually, after being given the address (house number and street/road) I arrive at the address as promptly as I can. That is, until I receive a call from some cunt saying “ it’s Shangri-La” on London road. London road for example is probably numbered into high hundreds.

My response is, “what number are you? Or next to?”
Customer: “oh, I don’t know, it’s just Shangri-La”.
Me: “So you expect me to drive the entire length of your road, looking both left and right, until I find you?”
Customer: “Oh, it’s a blue door”.

What the fuck are these people thinking? Absolute cunts.

Nominated by Cuntington Smythe

78 thoughts on “House Names”

  1. Good cunting CS! This has always annoyed me as well, cunts who name their gaffs “dunroamin” and similar bollocks in the vain hope it will afford them a personality. I’d be willing to bet they are the same cunts who gladly pay thousands for “personalised” number plates for their cars, which to an observer are just a random jumble of letters and numbers (like every other fucking plate in the country) but in their minds clearly spell “Tristram’s Jag”. If you read the 5 as an S. And put extra plate screws in as dots. And ask the garage to move the a and the m closer together. And squint. Cunts!!!

    • Don’t get me fucking started on number plates that have been fucked around with to spell some cunt’s name.

      They mark you out at a complete and utter cunt and you can eat my shit and beg for another bowl if you have one of these anal discharge markers on your car.

      Just to be sure here, if you’ve fucked with your number plate I hope you enjoy the fine when you get stopped, I also hope you’re uninsured and pissed at the same time to rid you from the road.

      • Yep. Wankers without exception. Often seen nowadays on some dopey hairdresser’s land rover, butchered to say “5A ND7A” or similar cunterousness

    • I hate this too!
      Its pretentious as fuck, unfortunately a lot of my work is for posh cunts in cheshire, who do this,
      Makes it a nightmare to find!
      If your thinking of naming your house may i suggest. ‘casa del mong’?

    • A common licence plate series in Sao Paulo begins with FUK while Rio typically has BUM. Not kiďding.

  2. When I was younger I used to work in a Cinema/Theatre Box Office. This was before the internet when people booked tickets on the phone. We used to have to take their address when they paid with a card and they’d begin, `Treetops, Ploppy Lane’ and I’d say `ermm, what’s the number?’ `No number’ they’d reply. It used to grind my fucking gears. Snooty cunts. Apparently by law you HAVE to have a number, these turds thought they were a cut above.

    Hoo-ee, what cunts.

    • How did you deal with the hoardes who wanted to book shite?

      “Hello, could I book four tickets for Frozen, please.”

  3. Excellent CS!
    I’ve never undrstood why some dozy cunts give twee names to their houses.
    Okay, some people live in remote hamlets, and may live in a cottage that’s never been known as anything other than ‘Riverside Cottage’ or something.
    But most people live in towns and cities where their house has a location defined by house number and street, but persist with this affectation. I walk a lot for exercise, and have spotted a few twattish names in the process, such as ‘The Nook’, ‘The Haven’, fucking ‘Chateau Noir’ (a 2b/room bungalow!), ‘Mon Repose’, and believe it or not, the classic ‘Juzwetwo’. I’m still searching for the Holy Grail of cuntish names, the legendary ‘Dunroamin’, but I know it’s out there somewhere.

  4. I can relate to this in so many ways, number one hate people who do not have visible house names or number (Because they know where their house is) and people who take their house names with them.
    In this particular case a house called “Red roof” !
    Logic dictates on this rather long terraced road it would be one of the ones with a fucking Red roof! did it fuck!, after a good 20 mins going up and down the fucking road I found it and guess what, they had just moved in and taken their old house name with them.
    cunts!

  5. Now that the Remoaner fight has been lost, I can picture Lords Adonis and Mandy retiring to a little pink-washed cottage called “Dunmincing”. It would be a bit sad to give a street name and number.

  6. I,of course,wouldn’t be seen dead in a house that had a number rather than a name.

    yours sincerely,

    Richard de Pfeffil Foxchaser-Fiddler.
    Fiddler Towers.
    The more salubrious area than yours.

    • I thought your place was called ‘Fuck Off ‘ Dick.
      As that’s what the big sign says at the front of the place.
      I know someone who has their double barrelled name on a plaque, above the front door of their semi !!
      Delusions of grandeur or what ?
      Are you ever delusional Dick ?

      • Delusions of grandeur? I’ve half a mind to send my valet to your house in my horse-drawn carriage. He’ll slap you around the chops with a pair of my calfskin gloves and challenge you to a duel using my antique pistols…I’d challenge you myself but I am,of course, a crack-shot with all firearms and it would be unfair on you….plus, if by some miracle I was hurt,the nation would probably go into mourning….Princess Diana’s funeral’ll look like a village pauper’s do compared to the hysterical grief that’ll be unleashed when I cark.

        Afternoon,Jack.

      • Good afternoon Dick. I’m afraid antique duelling pistols just don’t cut the mustard when pitted against a pump action Mossberg.

        I take it your valet is expendable ?

        I’m afraid I’m quite The Cad. Any nonsense with calf skin gloves will result in a terrible savaging from the hound. Then I’d have to deliver the coup de gras with my lead loaded Holly cudgel.

        The horse should fill my large chest freezers with lots of juicy steaks.

        I’ll break the carriage up for firewood.

  7. I used to temp for Transco, which dealt with the gas pipeline around the UK. I was in the emergency call centre and it was astounding how quickly the snooty fucks ‘remembered’ the house number when you told them the system didn’t accept house names, and you could only send a team out to deal with the gas leak once the call, including full address, was logged.

    • Long time ago I used to work for a private gas company Mog! Part of Calor. If I remember rightly Transco boys used to cop loads of shit because all they could do was turn off the supply, people expected them to get stuck in with the tools and fix their ancient boilers!!

      • Yup, almost all they would do was ‘make safe’, mostly by just shutting off the supply. Then some cunt would turn it on again because he was cold and the resulting explosion would be in next day’s local paper. Dealing with the underlying problem was not part of their remit.

  8. What’s worse is when they think they’ve come up with some clever combo word name such as Dunnrovin.There is actually a bungalow around the corner from me called ‘Questover’ What an absolute CUNT.

  9. My house has a name and I don’t like it.
    Mentioned this a few years ago on here about when I tried to change it. The council were not impressed, claiming it was untrue and inappropriate.

    North Korean Embassy
    Building 2….

  10. “Smilinthru” was one past which to walk rather fast on the other side of the road. The probability being that the occupant would emerge and tell you all about the hideous life events thru which they were smilin.

    Also “Old Stocks” – presumably referring to shares in the Darien Project rather than an alternative to the pillory – which was universally known as “Old Socks” by its neighbours.

    My current abode has a number, but a previous occupant attached his mistaken idea of an appropriate name, with illustration, so firmly to the wall that I can’t be arsed trying to get it off. Don’t judge me…

  12. Walking my dog down a country lane near me, a fucking great 18 wheeler pulled up, i thought how the fuck did you get this far up the lane you cunt, anyhow he wound down his window and asked me if i new where ‘woodlands’ is ! i said no mate but there’s a fucking great woodland right next to ya ya cunt!! (fucking satnav drivers).

  13. I bought a house in 1978 called “Passing Wind”.

    Had a nice oak nameplate to the right of the front door.

    Naturally my then fiancé couldn’t wait to remove it.

    CUNT.

    • One of my favourite bits of graffiti involved a street sign in Leicester, shown some years ago in an article on rascism in The Independent, I think it was.
      The street in question was called Urban Grove, and some wag had sprayed a T in front of the U.

  15. There’s one near me called”DarkKeysFuckOff”
    Lovely old couple of cunts.
    Rule Brittania!

  16. My dear departed Dad once said if he ever owned a house he would name it after himself and my mum (also dear departed). His name was Arthur and her name was Olive so he would combine the two names and call it Arthole.

  17. I recall that unibrowed bluenose fanny, Noel Gallagher naming his flash harry cuntpile of a mansion Supernova Heights…

    What a fucking cunt he really is…

    • Should have called it “Bolan Lennon Towers” seeing as he robbed everything he ever wrote from one or both of them

  18. I don’t know but I can imagine an ancestor returning to Northumberland from the Naloleoic wars unsure of where he was and asking someone and-
    ‘He told me and, on the instant an immense silence followed, empty at first, but gradually, as my outraged sense regained authority, full of a multitude of sweet and natural and long-forgotten sounds – for he had spoken a name that was so familiar to me, a conjuror’s name of such ancient power, that, at its mere sound, the phantoms of those haunted late years began to take flight’

    ‘Fiddler’s Towers’

    • Not yet Ron but Catweazle’s countryside retreat is called ‘Wishing Well Cottage’.

    • There’s a Rivendell in Cookham Dean in Berkshire. I used to live near there and ran past it regularly. It’s been there years, so I think the owner was a fan of the books rather than the films!

  21. My house doesn’t have a number, and it’s absolutely huge. All the local tradesmen know where I live, and they usually tip their hat when I’m in the village. Even in Bristol, people recognise Daddy, and every so often they share their milkshakes with him.

    The only milkshakes I’m interested come out of the one-eyed milkman, and end up spurting over the raven black hair of some nasty coked-up Natascha. The local girls ate quite good, and they love gagging… particularly the ugly munters from Chew Magna.

  22. My house has no number. We live on a small cul-de-sac of houses in a private lane, built in the middle of the local common in the 1960s/1970s. A pikey-free oasis.

      • Unfortunately, Miles, this flakey island has tough laws preventing us from upsetting the ‘travelling’ fraternity with trifling things like pejoratives.

        Fuck them all.

  23. This, believe it or not, is a true story. Towards the end of his career the footballer Luther Blisset signed for AFC Bournemouth and bought a bungalow near Wimborne in Dorset. It was called ‘Far Corfe’ because if you looked closely with a the James Webb Space Telescope you could just about see the ruins of Corfe Castle in the distance.

  25. I used to know a policeman in Brighton who has long since retired. Although not his house name, he did have a very nice extension, with a plaque at its entrance informing you that you were now entering the “Arthur Scargill Suite”. So named as it had been completely paid for courtesy of overtime earned working on the miners’ strike!

  26. When I was a kid, we moved into a house which the previous owners had cuntishly called ‘Gafli’
    We removed that shite and became humble number 32.

  27. Side topic-see above.
    Fuck-you white Range Rover with plates QE11 just passed me earlier.
    He’d even painted a golden coronet on his bonnet.
    The whole ensemble must’ve cost a fortune but will be worthless when Brenda carks it in the next few years!
    Stupid cunt

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