The Meaning of Christmas

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The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2019 p.c. edition…

  1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
  2. And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”
  3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”
  4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”
  5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”
  6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
  7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”
  8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”
  9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali” 
  10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
  11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
  12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”
  13. And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
  14. And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents
  15. And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”
  16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
  17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…

Nominated by Dioclese

64 thoughts on “The Meaning of Christmas”

  1. Woke up this morning, Coughing fit and put my lower back out.
    Merry Christmas, nice bit of seasonal ibrufine to keep me going.

    P.S master piece

    • wrong, Its 5pm just got out of bed, I drugged myself up this morning, went down the old peoples home, had a slap up Christmas lunch of Belsen size proportions unfortunately prepared by Typhoid Mary.
      So apart from pain killers I have been hobbling to the bog to spray paint the basin and then try and wipe my arse, Which is surprisingly hard to do when any movement is agony.

    • I poured myself a gin and lemonade about 10 minutes ago put it down somewhere and now I can’t find it!

    • Merry Christmas fellow cunters from the glorious north!
      Goin back indoors now, ive been stood in garden with my sled for 2hrs but its obviously not going to snow .
      Gutted.
      Oh well, eat,drink an be merry!👍👍

      • Morning Miserable, turkey is in the oven, pigs in their blankets and bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Plenty of time to overindulge, drink too much and disgrace myself.

      • Merry xmas LL!
        If guests stay to long just get yer dick out!
        Soon be dashing off😀

    • Merry Christmas Lord Creampuff, I hope you enjoyed your present of ‘The Ultimate Guide to Mushroom Curry Fusion’ cookbook. The staff and I clubbed together and got a great bargain at the local Scope.

      • Merry Christmas LL and a little less of the “Lord” please.

        As you well know, like the smellysock Sir Keir Starmer, I am a “man of the people”, and therefore prefer to keep the “Lord” bit under my hat when in the sight and sound of plebs such as the majority posting here on ISAC.

        As for the cookbook… of course I am deeply moved by your kind generosity, although I note that mention of Lady Creampuff’s favourite psilocybin mushrooms are not only thin on the ground but entirely absent, thus rendering the tome totally unfit for purpose.

        But it’s the thought that counts, one supposes. You can throw the book on the fire when next I deem fit for it to be lit, instead of a precious piece of coal.

        Now that Christmas is over (for you LL) perhaps you could get back to work immediately – you can start by fulfilling the obscure request of that Cuntarian chappie (see below) who apparently requires “one of them bats” from me or summat.

      • A merry Christmas to you too Cuntan!

        Your request (fuck knows what it’s all abaaat!) has been duly noted and will be fulfilled by my good man Liberal Liquidator. For further details please see above.

      • Sorry Ruff, as a Roger Mellie fan I thought you might know that obscure reference (or “deep cut” as pretentious cunts nowadays call them) – for some reason always remembered that, it’s from an old strip where Rog does a charity golf day with Jimmy Tarbuck and Bruce Forsyth while pissed and knowing absolutely fuck all about the game

      • Cheers Cuntan, I just couldn’t place it, spent 20 minutes doing the washing up from last night (I find it therapeutic), racking what’s left of my dementia ridden brains trying to make the connection!

  7. The true meaning of Christmas has just been explained. Thanks I had always thought it was just the celebration of the birth of my imaginary friend.

    Happy Christmas one and all.

  9. This being my first IsAC Christmas, I was intrigued to find out if the site was open for business on Christmas Day. I thought to myself “nah, what sad, lonely cunts would want to go there on a day when there was much merriment and feasting to be had?”
    Then I spotted them – 12 cunters cunting and thought to myself – if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

    A very Merry Christmas to Cunters and Admin alike.

    Fuck off

    • I’m only here until those selfish bastards open the Pub. at 12 until 2…short opening hours because they’ve got all the family visiting and want the afternoon to themselves,indeed. My belly-pork won’t be ready until 6 so they might discover that I’ll be joining them for a light snack….invited or not,I’m always dressed for dinner. I hope they’ve got me a present to unwrap…if not I’ll just tear a few of the kiddies’ parcels open and explain to them that my tax-money paid for their gifts.

      Cracking nom.,Dio.

  10. Seconded Bertie! Thanks to all the witty cunters and the long-suffering Admin boys and gals, this place has become my spiritual home and daily dose of much-needed reality since abandoning the far-too-depressing mainstream news.

    Dog bless us; Dog bless us, every one!

  11. A lovely Christmas story there Dio, thank you.

    Incidentally, a Happy Christmas to all of you at home!

  12. Merry Xmas cunts!!
    I hope your all over doing it
    Moderation is for cowards and Gaylords
    But not necessarily in that order ……..

  14. Brilliant Dio. This will no doubt be a classic to be shown on Al- Beeb next year (and the next year and the year after that)
    The royalties will fund your pension for many years to come.

  15. Happy Xmas and all that bollocks…
    BBC officially banned in Norman household.and Mrs N’s parents are not coming today… So that’ll do me….

    Hope everyone has got their tipple of choice and a nice bird….

  16. Merry Yule fellow Cunters.
    Take the chance to re-charge your batteries, as there will be a new year if cuntery ahead.

  19. News just in, Elton John has opened an early lead in the Christmas Cunt 2019 race.

    “ Forget the Queen’s speech, Elton John has gone and released his very own Christmas message – all about how successful he is.
    And we’re not feeling bad about ourselves at all after listening to what the Rocketman had to say.
    Taking to Instagram, the 72-year-old gushed over himself and his achievements this year, following an incredible 12 months.”

    Elton is always a cunt and he’s spreading his Christmas cuntitude with his usual generosity. Which cunt is able to out cunt Reg today?

    The race is on.

      • The Queen represents the nation dutifully 365 days a year and Elton represents deviant talentless cunts equally dutifully.

    • Sixdog, I believe Stormzy is delivering an alternative Christmas message today too, by reading a passage from the bible.

      • Yes, I was lying here bloated on the couch when I heard the continuity announcer say, “Now on BBC1,Stormz…”
        CLICK!
        Thats as far as she got before my World Cup-standard dive for the remote.

  20. Mother in law gone to Cornwall to her son. Just daughter and son in law coming. Rioja Reserva opened. Tonic and lemon ready for the Bombay Sapphire.

    I gotta feeling
    Today is gonna be a good day

    Enjoy Xmas you miserable fucking misfits.

    • Sounds ungrateful but feel bit let down with my presents this year.
      Shower gels deodorants, beard oils etc
      Like my presents have been replaced with Liberaces or summat? The family cunts.
      No tools, no fishing or outdoor gear, bet whatever Mary anne bandit opens my real presents will be equally confused?
      Family gift givers?
      Your all a bunch of bastards
      Love fragrant northern cunt

  22. As there’s fuck all on Christmas telly but loads of old crap, I have just copied ‘House of Cards’ onto a memory stick to watch whilst imbibing some rocket fuel from the still in the garden shed.

    This is of course the original series not the American shit. Is Christmas a cunt? Well, “You might very well think that. I couldn’t possibly comment”

    • You won’t be glued to the box for the ‘Dr Who’ and ‘Gavin & ‘Stacey’ so-called ‘specials’ then Dio? For shame sir, after BBCunts have gone to all that trouble!

      • Thanks to Dio, now I know what actually happened. Never did believe all that crap they taught us at sunday school.
        Ah, the joys of christmas, all the children happily playing with their new toys. The squealing little twats. At least there’s a whole year before we have to go through it all again. Might be dead before then.

  23. Merry Christmas fellow cunts.
    The Becks is out and flowing. I’ll be tucked away in the kitchen doing dinner with my music and a no entry sign on my door ( for Krav and mince pie guy and any other burglars).
    The Merlot starts in about 2 hours and after that I’ll be shit faced.
    Have a good one.

  24. Merry Christmas you cunts, a first class Christmas sermon , may the cunting continue in 2020, fuck me I sound like a total cunt with all this goodwill.

  25. I gave up the msm a year or so ago for boiling of piss and blood pressure wonkiness reasons. I refer to this site alone for my news of the world going on somewhere out there.
    I am a truly a changed man as witnessed by the wifes comments of ‘where on earth did you get that idea/statistic and assocciated fooltommery’. I now know everything a fellow needs to know. Thank you dear boys and girls for putting me on the slopery slip of what passes for reality in a truly mad world.
    Excelent nom Dio,truly enlightening.
    Ps mother in law not here,i love her more than the wife….heh heh.

  26. Typical once a year twats in the local last night. Talking loudly, standing at the bar so no one can get served and basically getting on my fucking tits. Fuck off you cunts.

  27. What with it coming up to 2020 and all maybe we should do a Cunt of the Decade in addition to the usual COTY. I have a few candidates.

  28. Merry Christmas fellow islanders. Woke up this morning and snorted fifteen Nytols…smoked at least half a vegan cigarette, three Calms, and inshallah.. not one cunt was encountered….. apart from my cunt of a cat, he’s an old cunt tabby with the finest set of walrusesque fuck off whiskers women cream their knickers to even look at….. a trusted and very loyal drinking companion, he is usually in the pub before me… but he’s still a cunt. Not one drink out of the tight old fury fuck face…
    In the interests of animal welfare, no animals were harmed , it’s just I had no one else to cunt… aaaaah, bliss.

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