Christmas (26)

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It’s not here yet, or shouldn’t be, but festive cheer is in the air…is it fuck.

I enjoyed a drizzling Saturday of 0.005% vol mulled wine at Winchester Cathedral Christmas market where I was kettled in a small square and forced to walk clockwise past sheds of shit (hand crafted and bespoke shit, I will have you know) with the odd festive temper flare up caused by the crush and demands of spouses. All in all it was arse. Coming home, I noticed that the family who celebrated Halloween a month in advance have erected a small Christmas tree on their front patch of mud. It has also been electrified to stop my dog pissing on it (cunts).

Why? Surely extending a one day holiday to over a month destroys the joy (or misery, whichever way you look at it).

I know for a fact that my Jolly Christmas is going to involve a slap up meal at an old people’s home with a number of people who have no idea who I am, or who they are, or what the whole thing is about. Then, just to spice things up, I will go over and visit my Mrs’s extended family and chat with the men (our only thing in common being the fact we have bollocks)

Oh shit. I will probably have a couple of old ladies with parrot-like tongues try and snog me too.

I am so looking forward to the coming shit fest and the disappointment of gifts that I neither want, or need (or can store) Oh yes, and buying presents. I have to buy for two teenagers…What the fuck can I get them? I am thinking butterfly knives or crossbows, but their parents and the Mrs will veto any such present.

Nominated by lord benny

59 thoughts on “Christmas (26)”

    • Christmas is a load of shit and we hope that Jeremy Corbyn becomes our leader so that the communist party can take over and they’ll ban it.

  2. I actually love Christmas but it just goes on too long. Two months. That’s a sixth of the year. A sixth of our life devoted to festive frivolities.

    • Agree – I really enjoy it myself but it does seem to start ridiculously early each year. Second half of November isn’t too bad imo but anytime before that is a bit silly.

  3. You have my sympathy LB.
    Went to Winchester Christmas fair some years back. It was shite then.
    Even the pubs were jam packed.
    Never again.

    • Hasn’t there been a theme in recent years of all those ticketed Christmas fairs being absolute fucking rip-offs, often with some celeb’s name attached?

      I have a vague memory of foppish cunt and hiding-in-plain-sight ravenous-shirtlifter Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen being behind some relatively recent scamming shitfest. I recall it was billed as the authentic Lapland experience, complete with the wholesome magic of Christmas vibe and a euphoric, Scandinavian Northern Lights ambience – only for reality to actually bite luckless punters in the form of a waterlogged field in the middle of nowhere during a mild December, with plastic santas and reindeers so cheap that even the ‘Made in Taiwan’ labels we spelled incrorrectly.

    • Well he doesnt have mine!
      I love Christmas!!
      Time to eat, drink, make merry,
      Time for family an friends!
      Any one saying otherwise is a communist.
      Stop fuckin sulking an join in,
      Im the one at the bar in a santa hat an his cock out!
      Say hello the drinks are on me🌲⛄

  6. When I was a kid we were so poor that all we got at Christmas was a haircut on Christmas morning and later in the afternoon we’d sit down and have turkey with all the trimmings….

  7. I actually have started to enjoy Christmas/Boxing Day. Go out for a couple of hours to do the jobs in the morning, large lump of pork cooked slowly in the aga,plenty of drink and no fucking guests…what could be better?
    Boxing Day is grand….meet up for a cooked breakfast before out on the hills for a full day’s shooting then see the day out with an informal dinner and good company at the Estate owner’s home. Hope it’s a decent day,the birds don’t fly as well if it’s dreek..spoils the sport,don’t ya know,what,what….Oh yes,I’m getting into Christmas mode already.

    • Thought this one hadn’t gone through so posted an updated version below.

  8. Visited the local retail park yesterday (Sunday), which hosts are the usual stores like B&Q, B&M, Morrisons, Pets R Us, Asda, Halfords etc

    I wish I hadn’t of bothered because the massive carpark was full to choking (and this is at lunchtime); cars couldn’t get in or out due to shit parking, shit double parking, cunts dumping their trolleys in front of/back of parking bays; day-dreaming cunts just strolling down the carpark blissfully unaware that cars are tying to reverse out with hitting the twat!

    And that’s just the fucking carpark!

    Manage to find a parking space, and then more or less get pushed into B&Q like a tidal wave of bodies. Place was fucking packed with cunts looking for prezzies; the tills were queued all the way down the fucking aisles; not helped by fucking kids screaming their fucking heads off!

    So fuck B&Q

    Next, Halfords – see B&Q above
    Next, Asda – see B&Q above
    Next, Asda petrol station – ditto
    Next, fuck them all for a game of soldiers, we’re going home!

    There’ s still 20 odd days to the Big Day, but you would think it was the end of the world judging by the mass hysteria in the shops.

    Fortunately I bought the bulk of my presents, decorations, booze and food way back in September! I know a lot of people complain about shops selling Christmassy stuff so early but I can see why! Just get it done there and then, and forget about it! And then watch all the last-minute cunts go into meltdown as the clock ticks down

    Ho ho, fucking ho!

  9. I’m starting to enjoy Christmas/Boxing Day.

    Christmas Day is a couple of hours outside in the morning doing the jobs then a large lump of pork slowly cooked in the Aga with plenty of good quality drink…none of yer cheap shitty Tesco-value beer for me. Best of all,no guests so no mithering or yammering.
    Boxing Day is grand. Meet up for a cooked breakfast before a full day’s shooting then back to the Estate owner’s home for a convivial evening in good company. Hope it’s a decent day for the shoot,the birds don’t fly as well if it’s dreek…rather spoils the sport,don’t ya know,what,what….Oh yes,I’m already getting into Christmas mode.

    Fuck Off.

    • I shall definitely have to oil my way into your social circle, Fiddler. That is undoubtedly the way to do Christmas. Still and all, the wood pigeons are leaving the fields for the gardens now and I have high hopes of killing a brace or two on Boxing Day.

      • You’d be more than welcome,K.

        It always makes me laugh when some townie equates a plump woody with the flying rats that they see in cities. A more natural,organic,sustainable food than a fresh wood pigeon you couldn’t hope to find. For such “clever” animal-lovers they appear to know surprisingly little about the subject…a nice juicy roast pigeon might be better brain-food for them than some veggie shite served alongside a portion of chip-on-the-shoulder.

        Good Hunting.

        .

      • Many thanks. And the very same to you. There’s nothing to beat a shot-free slightly underhung pheasant roasted au naturel, as the devil on my shoulder informs me, and …hmmm…I seem to be out of curtain wire.

      • Handy when they come with the hanging-noose already attached…..

  10. Looking forward to the Queen’s Bollocks on Christmas Day!

    I keep hoping she will throw away her nicey, nicey, happy clappy scripted version; and just come out with a raw unedited, uncensored version of her very own.

    Just imagine her opening salvo

    “Afternoon you miserable fucking plebs! Have you finished gorging your fat faces on that £2.99 chicken fillet from Aldi yet?

    Anyway, I just wanna keep this short because I need a dump, and have also promised Old Phil his annual blowjob in an unlit back street somewhere down the Edgeware Road.

    All I want to say is that Airmiles & Slagbag are a fucking embarrassment to me and the Royal family as a whole. I’ve had words with them both and if they’re not too careful I will invite them to drive through the same Parisian tunnel as that other oilkish tart that soiled the family name back in 97!

    So that’s you’re lot. Now fuck off!”

    • Oh an by the facking way cunts!i had fack all to do with that fucking slut diana getting whacked and if my delusional fucking family carrys on well the the limepits already dug/shame avout diana the last thing that went thru head was 10 ton of concrete

  11. I found an on line site that sells pre filled Christmas stockings! £20 worth of shite without having to walk round and choose it.
    I bought one of the godsons a comprehensive book on modern weapons so its educational and stops him asking stupid questions.
    Then to top it all I bought a mobile device cage, yes a little prison that sits on the table where you can lock up the kids mobile devices (that’s for their Dad)

  12. am thinking of sending some suicide vests to writers of The Guardian.

    They might be fake, they might be real, but there are some sanctimonious cunts at that rag that seem to think the police should have easily identified the two when killing that terrorist.

    Well let’s see if those cunts can!

    Happy Christmas (shit, am not allowed to say that in front of a Guardian cunt)

  13. Teenagers, get them fuck all. They need nothing except telling they need nothing the idle feckless spotty entitled whinning fuckers.

    Hope this helps.

    PS: You could wrap your hand in glittery paper and give them a festive punch in the face, just to highlight that Christmas isn’t always a happy time.

  14. The build-up to Christmas is indeed quite the cunt – this year however I have, for once, planned ahead and I am quite enjoying it, amazingly.

    The period I really enjoy though is that odd Yuletide wilderness between 27th December and New Year’s Eve. I am fortunate in that I don’t work those days in my job, and I quite look forward to this brief oasis of tranquility as there are still enough alcohol and scoffs left over to make several gin and vodka chocolate smoothies, a relaxed, post-family-fuck-off atmosphere and those lovely, bracing Winter mornings to go for walks or runs, then come back to the heated house for a hot shower followed by an enormous Yuletide wank in the recliner.

    No fucker to bother you, nothing to do and plenty to eat, drink and fap over. Some of my best times in recent years have been in that little slot between the twin cunts of Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve. Can’t wait for it again this festive season.

  15. We had a woman give us a box of biscuits on Friday for ‘The job we do and it’s Christmas’. Warmed the cockles of our hearts. And we stuffed the lot before our break! Christmaa music on in the Blueber! Patients love it. Shame I’m fucking working Christmas Day. On single time…

    • Afternoon DCI. We know the NHS is cash strapped but you seem to get the short end of the deal all the time. Has your union never been able to obtain more favourable pay over Public Holidays?

  16. I would love Priti Patel to fill my christmas stocking!

    I would definitely slide up her chimney and give her a sackful of the white stuff!

  17. Well said m’lud. There’s a shop up the road to me that sells shite all year – cushions, fake flowers, that sort of shite. They had their “grand Christmas opening” on the 18th of fucking OCTOBER. two whole cunting months plus a few extra weeks. As you say, by time the single day comes round, I’ll be so fatigued of it all. And as for those puke making Christmas ads – well, just fuck off and leave me alone. Cunts.

  19. What The Fulminating Fuck Is “CHRISTINGLE” ???

    and what the fuck was wrong with “Christmas”…apart from everything that’s wrong with Christmas. Enquiring minds would like to know.

    • Colour me enlightened. Baptised and confirmed C of E, I gave up shortly after I failed to speak in tongues surrounded by pentecostal fire when the bish laid his hands on (in a Christian way, you understand). Went to a nonconformist school so saw the other side of the coin, but their church organ was crap compared to St. Wotsits, so remained prejudiced. But until around five years ago I had never heard of a candle stuck in a citrus fruit having any significance wrt mankind’s redemption etc.

      There’s something I’m still missing, I think, although on the whole appreciating the complex enormity of the universe and its bafflingly engineered if violent progress towards infinite entropy, does not IMO require an anthropic deity or a candle in a clementine to achieve. Waste of an easy peeler, if you ask me.

      • On questions of belief it is fruitless to argue, as Wittgenstein would have said if he’d thought of it.

        Some of my local parishes advertise ‘Christingle services’ and I’d assumed that this was some twee cunt trying to rebrand Christmas. But these are, if I believe you, peri-Christmas services in which the fruit bowl plays a central part. The Baco foil is apparently optional, and something of an anachronism.

        Although the orange thing itself doesn’t date back to the dawn of Christianity, but to a German Moravian bishop in 1747. Popularised in the UK – or at least England – in 1968. File under pretty spurious.

      • Some Christmases, I would make cristingles with family.
        The orange is the world, the red ribbon tied around it is the blood of Jesus, the candle is the light of the lord. We’d put cocktail sticks in with haribo attached to them which are the gifts.

  20. Christmas? CHRISTMAS??? OH FUCKOFF!! I’ll tell you what fucks me right off is when some lame brained cunt, probably the one that cuts my hair asking ‘Doing anything special for Christmas this year?’ Why? What the absolute fuck has it got to do with you?? And another thing, cunts blocking the aisle in just about every shop with a trolley filled with enough grub to feed the whole town in one sitting! Siege mentality, or what? Fucking cunts, the lot of them!

  21. Just went out to the local shop, passed a number of houses with the lights and baubles, what ever happened to the twelve days of christmas

  22. Avoid the Christmas shopping hordes of Cunts by not buying owt.
    Send the Mrs out to get much luxury alcohol.
    That’s how baby Jesus would want it.

    • Bloody hell. Thought he was singing ‘must be seder-chlor* . Pure sacrilege, like every other Christmas ditty I can think of.

      *Kosher disinfectant for Passover

  24. Can’t completely agree with this cunting.
    I like Christmas, but just don’t want it starting from 1st October every year.

    This year I shall be having a Christmas ham and will be sure to have loads of roasties.
    It appears the scaremongering abaaahht pigs in blankets was nothing more than that.
    I also fancy something warming to drink, perhaps I’ll treat myself to some brandy.

    My Christmas wish this year will be to have Hannah Tointon dressed in a sexy Christmas outfit, so I can enjoy unwrapping her at midnight on Christmas eve.

  25. A lot of you sour fuckers on father Christmas naughty list!
    Not me!
    Ive been a positively little angel this year!!
    Youll be sorry when you dont get any presents!
    Ill be rich beyond my wildest dreams!!!!

  27. I did some sums with the lad to test the foundations of the Santa myth, and we calculated that he has to visit 30,000 homes per second. The task at each house is: Fly the reindeer, park em, climb the roof, down the chimney, fill all the stockings, drink the beer, eat the mince pies, say ho ho ho, back up the chimney, get off the roof, unchain the sleigh, ring the jingle bells, abuse Donner and Blitzen, then off to the next. Thirty thousand fucking times per second for 24hours.

    • I wonder what would happen if santa got done for drunk sleighing by the air plod?

      Imagine all those millions of unhappy kids with empty stockings in the morning, ha!

  28. Christmas stopped being good in the early 90s. My mum doing the Park Hamper, the Terry’s Chocolate Orange war between me and my brother, playing the latest Dizzy game on the Amstrad, stuffing lunch, watching a load of shit full-screen films on ITV and not realising that the folks were slowly getting pissed. That was the life.

    The one regret I have about being a poof is that I never will have children of my own to bring them up without materialism on all these made-up occasions.

    • Hmmm. If you bring them up without materialism, they will either rebel and turn into social media influencers, or buy the whole package and be unable to support you in the manner to which you would like to be accustomed.

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