British TV Crime Drama

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I’d like to nominate the cliche ridden British TV crime drama. Stock characters :

1) Tough, no nonsense, female head of the squad.
2) Wimpy stay-at-home husband of above. Looks after the kids, as top cop is too busy furthering her career by brown-nosing the commander and shitting on everyone else.
3)Veteran detective, white, male, alcoholic, divorced. Disliked by female boss, who sees him as a dinosaur, misogynist etc…(even though he gets the job done).
4) Ex wife of veteran detective, now with a new husband (a smarmy, arrogant git). She plays no real part in the story, but is included for whatever reason the producer can think of.
5) Rebellious teenage daughter of veteran detective, possibly involved with an anarchist group, or an older man who is just using her for his own nefarious purposes.
6) Drug addict son of veteran detective, in hock to drug dealers or loan shark. Either that or he’s suffering from mental problems.
7) Two smart arse newly promoted young detectives, one male, one female. Probably both ethnic minority. One or both will have a white spouse or partner (most likely one will be a same-sex partnership, almost a certainty if BBC, although ITV aren’t too far behind).
8) Smart arse young WPC who does all the hard work on her own, in the background – the engine who keeps everything going.
9) Geeky IT expert who fancies number 8 above.
10) At least one gay character – could be anyone, has to be included somewhere in the storyline.

All of the above thrown into a tedious eight part series, encompassing a load of red herrings, tedious sub plots about relationships and family situations, of no relevance to the main story, which will usually be the disappearance of a teenage girl and its effect on a community, seen from a load of different viewpoints.

Take out all the shite and it could be pared down to two episodes at the most. But it would still be crap. Thank heavens for ITV4. I can watch Sweeney and The Professionals till the cows come home.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

92 thoughts on “British TV Crime Drama”

  1. You forgot to add gratuitous repulsive gore shown at every opportunity. Otherwise, an excellent summary of every boring shite UK police procedural shown on what passes for tv these days. The only decent crime drama in recent years was Life on Mars, but only because DCI Cunt, whom we were meant to despise, was so magnificent.

  2. Well cunted and deservedly so. Sick of shit progs with right on woke fucking messages. Please end those shitfests Emmerdale and the Ghastyly Corrers.!

  3. Not all bad, bring back Gene Hunt and give him his own cop show set in Brixton. A truly great Briton, proper whiter than a ginger bird’s arse and he knew how to kick the fuck out of a lefty cunt just for breathing. Fuck it I’d vote for him as PM

  4. I quite liked series 1 of that show with Idris Elba. Luther. But as the series continued I lost interest. Series 2 he sounds American probably because he was filming stuff for a film in america in between. “Add-ress”

    The same with Prison Break. American I know. It started off good but it was annoying and confusing after series 1. I’ll leave that for a separate nomination.

    • I liked Prison Break too Spoons, well written characters, clever and inventive, downhill after they boke out and then just a messy cycle of shootouts, kidnappings and bizarre plot deviations.

    • Funny, was talking about Gene Hunt yesterday with lad who works for me,
      Ioved the character, was filmed mostly in Stockport so all the places in the show we knew.
      Pulling up on building site, irish workers stood about Gene pulls up gets out of car ”
      Top of morning to yer lads!”
      Hehee
      Great character, great show.Great soundtrack.

      @Spoons!
      How you feeling mate?
      Hope your up and running round soon!
      Remember the Green cross code!

      • Morning MNC. I’m feeling much better thankyou. Moving still hurts but I have a pair of crutches. I’ve been outdoors a bit.
        I’ve noticed recently I mutter under my breath when I see cars going past. I sound a bit like Muttley from Wacky Races, “Rassa frassa forking cars”.

      • Good to hear Spoons. I can’t help but note you put me (and most everyone else) to shame in your avoidance of the cunty language, not like the foul-mouthed bastard I am! Kudos

      • Yes Cuntan, your a right foul mouth fucker, you ought to take a leaf out of Spoons an mine book!
        Naughty cunt!😀

    • Elba has been granted citizenship of Sierra Leone recently.
      Let’s hope he starts a trend and fucks off there.
      The Cunt.

      • reckons he’s gone there to “fertilize it” ? hope that is code for getting buried in a makeshift pit with 6 rounds in his head

    • Agree Luther (series 1-3) was good, certainly by modern standards.

      Dexter was the best U.S series I’ve seen in recent years. Excellent.

      • “The Wire” remains my favourite TV crime/drama show.

        Definitely no PC bullshit in that show at all – not bad for 2002-2008

        I think that show also started Idris Elba as a drug kingpin, with an American accent. Pretty decent performance too.

      • Dexter was indeed very good Creampuff also The Shield from early 2000’s. Anyone remember The Knock from mid 90’s?

      • The Shield was very good, and is up there alongside The Wire, Breaking Bad and The Sopranos.

        I have heard of The Knock, but never got round to watching it.

      • Loved The Sopranos and most mob films in general including Goodfellas. Sopranos ending caused a bit of controversy amongst the die-hards but I guess didn’t want something too cliched.

      • The Wire remains unsurpassed for me, probably won’t ever be bettered either because it couldn’t be made today; the writers and some of the cast knew the life they were describing (especially David Simon), nowadays it would be just a bunch of luvvies in a Hollywood echo chamber ticking off the inclusivity boxes. As you say Idris Elba was brilliant as Stringer Bell, before he disappeared up his own bottom; even luvvy Dominic West as McNulty was great. My fave was Michael K Williams as Omar, even though he was a ginger beer it wasn’t forced into the show at every opportunity

  5. Loved the Professionals first time around. Still a great hour’s worth of entertainment 40 years later. Today’s shite can’t hold a candle to it.

    • The sweeney was popular in our house too, my dad loved it.
      Lad i work with does great impression of John Thaws Regan.
      Cant think of any British cops shows at all, always a bird as main character now.
      Saw something other day on talking pictures channel ‘Hazel’ remember that?
      Written by Terry Venables!!

    • It was always The Sweeney, for me.

      John Thaw as brilliant as Regan – hard drinking, hard womanising, tough, no nonsense cop who would gladly kick the shit out of any scumbag regardless of colour

      Great quotes too:

      “get your trousers on, you’re nicked my son!”

      “SHUT IT!”

      • How many shows do you think you’ll still remember the theme tunes to forty or so years later? Not fucking many I bet, the Sweeney intro (and the slow introspective version at the end) were brilliant. The Wire’s was good as well, interesting to have the same song for each series but done in a different way by a different singer (think uber-mental Tom Waits did one??)

      • “We’re the Sweeney, son, and we haven’t had any dinner “. Classic.

        I still get my daily fix on good old ITV4 although Carter’s endless Cockney rhyming slang hasn’t aged well. But always one complete in itself episode and not endless humourless 8 part serials all filmed at night.

        Best part of the Sweeney are appearances from sundry top-rate character actors who subsequently became more famous…..and invariably some of the filthiest big-titted, half-dressed, scrubbers (gangsters moll or barmaids) we’d all like to while away an afternoon with.

      • John Thaw brilliant as Morse, too.
        Also Jack Shepherd as Wycliffe, keeping Cornwall’s coastline coon-free, very ably abetted by Juicy Lucy Lane (and her cane)…

  6. Rarely bother with TV these days purely because it become infested with sjw/woke shite.

    But having said I do feel a little uncomfortable watching the old classics where racism & homophobia is all too present, which at the time you never really bothered about because the storylines were so good (especially The Sweeney)

    Nowadays the reverse is true – good stories are buried behind woke, after woke after woke. I wouldn’t mind quite so much if a woman was the tough cop, or a gay guy was good at his job; or the black woman made for a good detective etc. But its purely down to the heavy-handing writing that really pisses me off, as if we can’t quite work it out for ourselves they have to enforce the writing by saying “He’s gay but he is brilliant at his job” or “She’s had to fight discrimination and sexism to get to the top!”

    It’s basically positive discrimination gone overboard, and I am guessing the new generation of young writers, producers and directors can’t wait for us old cunts to die so as to free the country of sexist, racist, misogynist, homophobic old dinosaurs once and for all.

  9. Morning Jack,
    You finished work for Christmas?
    Ive a small job on monday then thats me done!

    Remember mcCloud?
    That was a good detective show!
    Dennis Weaver riding his horse through the busy traffic.
    Obviously nowadays hed be black probably riding a disability scooter.

    • Well there was Ironside, so I guess that ticked a woke box, albeit 40 odd years too early.

      Oh and there was Frank Cannon – a rather large (fat fucker in other words), detective that was good at his job. so that’s another Woke Tick.

      • Another early woke police series from the 80’s was Juliet Bravo. Anyone remember that?

      • Yes, alongside Cagney & Lacey, and Prime Suspect; the latter of which wasn’t too bad even though it starred celeb luvie Helen Mirren

      • Indeed I do Reverend! The winsome original and gorgeous Stephanie Turner, funnily enough also George Carter’s wife and shockingly murdered by mistake.

      • Good call on Ironside ticking a ‘woke’ box all those years ago. I loved his support act as well; the black dude, the WASP detective, and the bird with sprayed on hair who never wore the same outfit twice.
        Did you know that Ironside is now even more ‘woke’? It’s been remade, and he’s still in a wheelchair, only now he’s a black guy…

      • I think you can find it (or bits of it) on Ytube if you’re interested or need a laugh. They’ve also ‘re-imagined’ Magnum. He’s regenerated Doctor style as a Latino.

    • Hello MNC. I have one job outstanding, but it doesn’t matter whether it gets done before or after Christmas. I’m heading into my quiet time anyway, at this time of year.
      It’ll be a couple of months before all hell breaks loose again.
      Time to take stock, service and repair, plot and scheme !
      I remember Mc.Cloud well.
      Out and about this weekend MNC ?

      • Certainly mate!
        My annnual lads Christmas drink!
        We’ve all grown up together an known each other from toddlers.
        All characters, all can drink.
        Break out the egg flip landlord!!!😀

  10. Give me Columbo any day…full of real stars, clever and no forced PC bullshit.

    Just one more thing mam……fuck off.

    • Spanky, I love Columbo. He gives the impression to the baddies he’s a doddery fool. I imagine the the baddies rubbing their hands together. “I think we got away with it”
      Then pow! “Oh uh just one more thing”
      Genius! 🙂

  11. I really am finding this difficult to read. All this gendered language: He,she,wpc,etc.

    When are you cunts going to STOP commuting these acts of violence by using these patriarchal misogynist terms.

    What an absolute bunch of cunts you are.

    Good morning.

    PS: To the morbidly obese couple in screen 2 at Cineworld last night seeing Star Wars:
    Slim fast is available without a prescription you fucking land whales….

  12. ” We’re the Sweeney son, and we haven’t had any dinner, so if you don’t want a kicking you’d better tell us where those photographs are ”
    Proper policing.
    Get To Fuck.

  13. My all time favourite detective is Sipowicz who was described as being ‘ A racist, alcoholic misogynist with a heart of gold’ .

    • Loved Andy. He was how you’d imagine a proper NY cop might actually look. The missus cried buckets when Bobby Simone carked it.
      NYPD Blue is another in line for a re-boot, and there’s even talk of a couple of the original cast coming back, although sadly, Dennis Franz has apparently declined, on the basis that he thinks he’s done all he can with his character.

  14. No need to be a brilliant detective anyway. Its always the white, middle aged hetro bloke what done it.

  16. So you guys won’t be watching ‘Hate Crime’?

    Your loss, I spent hours, well nearly an hour on that script. Eight episodes all constructed around the heroic trans detective DCI Wanda Crack, our hero/heroine investigates a new vicious hate crime each week.

    This isn’t about gore this is reality, hours spent on face book, having to view horrendous graffiti on bus stops, investigation of the gender specific men’s section in the local supermarket, the hate criminals never stop, the final episode is a triumph of rainbow policing over hate.

    Watch ‘Call me Susan’ on BBC 1, education for all the family.

  17. I haven’t watched The Bill in ages. Do they still walk along with the camera pointing at their shoes during the end credits?

    • Finished years ago Spoons. Was good in its day, turned into a soap with coppers by the end

      • That’s a shame. I loved it with those characters Tosh and Burnside and Polly etc.

        The Thin Blue Line. Yes it was a comedy but it’s hilarious.
        That fella with the moustache.
        “Raymond, my arse is on the line and I don’t want a cock-up!” 😀

      • I remember the bloke who played Reg Hollis, Jeff Stewart got in bother back in the day for his liking for bondage and fetish stuff!! Bit of a leather daddy by all accounts

      • That was tragic, Cuntan. The missus ended up referring to it as ‘BillEnders’, it got that bad.

  18. I’m surprised that in all this cliché cunting, nobody’s gotten round to mentioning judges in Yank cop and legal dramas.
    Playing ‘Spot the Rainbow Coalition Judge’ has been one of my pastimes in recent years. My favourite ‘judge’ is the stunning 20 year old black female from Harvard Law School; there seems to be a lot of them about. The only white male judge I can remember in yonks was about 90, thrown in as a token to show that ancients can still cut it even when 30 years past retirement age.
    I await with eager anticipation for the last taboo to be broken. I demand a tranny judge now!!

  19. The BBC is a cunt. Its full of wretched libtard bastards who have been brainwashed at university to despise British society ,and as they work for an influential organisation they just can’t pass up the opportunity to inject their venom into us via the TV screen. Well they can go and fuck themselves in the cunt. No more licence fees from me . Fack em.

  20. Spot on. You’ve missed the LBGT character – probably a snitch (or snatch?), who ends up severely beaten up for some reason.

  21. Jack Carter to two blaggers he’s about to nick, “Here they are, Handsome and Gristle”.
    By the way my Dad used to call the Professionals ‘Bogie and Boil’, Cagney and Lacey were ‘Cack and Lag’ although not a crime show, Doctor Quinn was ‘Doctor Quim’.

    • In her prime, she was hot. And Frank Sinatra had his pick of the world’s beauties so he’d know.
      Deadpool candidate now.

  24. Say what you like, you knew where you were with my Belgian friend AirCool Poirot and Miss Marple…
    Wouldn’t mind betting Jane has had B&WC’s tongue up her arse, crafty old bat! Sloe Gin enema, anyone?

  25. Loved Murder In Suburbia.

    Two believable, humorous, female lead characters, gave me the horn, especially Lisa Faulkner… great scripts and original storylines… PC free for the most part.

    I’ll get my coat. Again.

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